----- Original Message -----
From: Warr <warr@pobox.alaska.net>
To: <pluck@ihug.co.nz>
Cc: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Sunday, 28 March 1999 17:05
Subject: C&C [Draft] Dew on the grass

Hello hello,

I havn't C&C'd anything in a while, so forgive my rusty attempts at it.

First off, thanks for replying so quickly!  Wow.  I was really impressed.
I've never had a fanfic in any genre read that quickly before.  :)

Ranko was just an innocent bystander in this - so was Ranma, for that
matter, but she was still furious at him for going at hitting that rock
with his stupid head.

going at hitting that rock?  maybe remove 'for going at' ?

Well, I figured from Akane's perspective, it was all Ranma's fault,
ergo he hit the rock, the rock didn't hit him.  The rock was just an
innocent bystander.  :)

Tired as he was,
he still appreciated the warmth of the air and the sunlight after an
intensely cold fortnight of training in the mountains.  Sunlight and the
songs of birds seemed like strangers to him after the many cold nights
of meditation and training he had been through.

He's been training, yes?  I would think he would hear birds while on the
mountains unless he was above the treeline.  And, maybe it's just me,
but I'd say 'birdsong' instead of 'songs of birds.'  *shrug*

Hmm.  You're right there.  I'll change that around.

Even in her
befuddled state, Ranko was able to grasp the irony of her current
state - unable to wake, with her mind struggling to do a mile
at all.

How about, "a mile a minute"  I've never heard of 'a mile at all'

I wasn't sure about this bit either.  I'll give it some more thought.

Part of her was scared of facing the students there, the
other part of her was scared of being late.

I'm not positive but I think that comma should be a semicolon.

I'm not sure.  I think you're right, but I've never been great
at identifying where I should put those semicolons.

Ranma wouldn't get this.. pity.

Ellipses generally use three periods.  I think I would phrase it
a little differently.  Ranma wouldn't have understood.  Pity.

Erk.. this was misinterpreted.  I meant it to mean that Ranma
wouldn't get the same sort of pity that Ranko was getting,
he'd sort his problems out on his own; not that he wouldn't
understand it.   And 2-period ellipses are a habit I've picked
up from IRCing too much.  They happen all over in my fic,
despite my best efforts to put 3 periods in.  I'll do a global
search and find 'em all.

He'd attacked Ran.. Ranko.  An innocent, defenceless girl.

defenseless  Course, you're using British spelling, so *shrug*

Us crazy Brits. :)

"I SHOULD have known, Ranko," spat Ryouga, fist shaking with anger,
"and I didn't.  I know you can never truly forgive me for what
I did, but I'm going to try and earn your trust."

"That's why," he continued, "I vow that I will watch over you,

Don't need the quote's after 'your trust.'  Same speaker and all.
One of them funky rules.

Oops!  I always forget that one.  Thanks for pointing it out.

Ranko held her arms out, but P-chan struggled back towards her
chest.  She giggled a little.

"He likes my chest better than yours."  ^_-

If she was Ranma at that point it wouldn't surprise me at all to hear
her say that.  And then get hit with the ol' mallet to the head.  :)

He  felt a sense of happiness, of belonging, as he stepped forward off
the pillow.  Maybe she could protect him, too.

Extra space between 'He felt'

Whoops.  Wonky keyboard.  Fixed.

He was curled up in Ranko's arms, her still-smiling
face resting atop his head as the two slumbered together, both appearing
equally happy in the warmth of their embrace.

Akane needs to find out that Ryoga is P-Chan now that she is starting to
feel a little sympathetic for Ranko.  <G>  "How dare you?!  Not only did
you take advantage of me, but poor Ranko too!"

Ryouga just can't win, can he?  :)

Slowly, his muslces relaxed as he remembered.  Ranko.  He blushed and
bowed his head.

muscles

Whoops.  There's that wonky keyboard striking again.

"I, uh.. I slept well," she stammered, "and so did P-chan.  I think he
curled
up in the first place he could find, it really took it out of him to be

out

in the storm last night." she finished, weakly.

Word-wrap knocked 'curled' into its own line or something.

Damn!  I thought I'd caught all of those.

"I, uh," she started, beginning to blush, "I did enjoy it, though.

"Can you do it in your human form tonight?"

Heh heh.. I'll leave that to the lemon writers.  :)

<No point in rushing when there's a beautiful sunset to enjoy,> she
thought to herself.  She couldn't help but smile at the noise of Ryouga
following her, walking along the fence that ran alongside the street.

How late do classes get out?  I've never seen Ryouga walking on a fence
before, seems to be Ranma's trait.

Yup, it is Ranma's habit to do that.  I was going for a parallel there.
Ranma/Akane and Ryouga/Ranko.

I just thought of something.  Where is Ranko sleeping?  Maybe I missed
it earlier but she seems to have a bedroom to herself. She's not hurt
anymore so I don't think she'd be in Akane's room but sharing the room
with Genma.

You're not supposed to notice that.  :)  I dunno.  It was one of those
things I couldn't figure out how to explain so just kept quiet about and
hoped nobody noticed.  Doesn't look like it worked, eh?

"I wish I'd told you," she replied, "while I still had a human
voice.  I'll tell you as soon as I do again."

And if we're going for angst, Ranma will be the one to emerge when
the neko-ken goes into remission.  Course, Ryouga has to find the
Tendo's place before anything can happen.

I didn't detail his search for the Tendo household. I didn't want
to make the fic 500k long...

I'm waiting for Ranma to wake up.  Maybe he'll remember what all
went on, which will probably disgust him, but then he and Ryouga,
and possibly everyone, will have better relationships all around
for it.

Perceptive, ain't ya?  How'd you guess?

Ranma sat, arms folded, as Kasumi cut at his hair.  He'd just
gotten over wearing that stupid dress when he noticed himself
in the mirror.  What had happened to his hair?

Since this is before the Dragon Hair episode, shouldn't the male
Ranma's hair be growing like crazy?  He isn't wearing his usual
braid, is he?

The hair issue is a pain.  I'd only had the hair difference originally
so Ryouga wouldn't notice the distinctive pig-tail when he first
talks to Ranko.  I haven't actually seen the Dragon Hair episode
so I don't know much about Ranma's hair in general.

 > First off, I liked the title.  It caught my eye and it fits the story

quite well.    You portrayed Ryouga and Ranko extremely well.
Ryouga's inner monologue especially struck me as right on target.

I wasn't sure about the title when I wrote it, but it does seem to fit.
It's there for two reasons, really.  One being that dew on grass is
mentioned a few times in the story, the second being that dew
makes the grass that much more pretty and appealing, but sooner
or later it has to disappear and you're stuck with the plain old
grass left, but the grass has grown just a little with the help of the
dew.

As for the mindsets of Ranko and Ryouga, I tried to keep them
reasonably close to the show.  Ranko was more of a clean slate
than Ryouga, because her character wasn't really explored at
length.  Ryouga I'm not sure about.  I like his character in the
story, but it's not really all that similar to his character on the
show.  I think I got it reasonably close, though, and if I did it
differently the story wouldn't really work.

Look forward to reading more from you.

I look forward to writing more.  :)

Thanks again for your comments, they were greatly appreciated.