I have to say that I am pleased as punch to have your input, Richard (and
you know how pleased punch can get!)

-----Original Message-----
From: ffml-bounce@fanfic.com [mailto:ffml-bounce@fanfic.com]On Behalf Of
Richard Lawson
Sent: Monday, March 29, 1999 9:21 AM
To: Jeffrey Cornish; Fan Fiction Mailing List
Subject: Re: [FFML] [NUKU NUKU] All Purpose Cultural Arisa, Part 1

     Darkness gave way to a pale orange fireball.

Heh.  One of my writing tips that no one's ever asked for is take make
sure your stories start quickly and "hook" the reader into the rest of
the fic.  This is certainly one way of doing it.  :)

If listening to dozens of stories get ripped apart in the Tai-Pan project
has taught me anything, it's go for the throat!  ;->  I am glad you approve.

Akiko Mishima, President of the mighty Mishima Heavy
Industries corporation paused,

Actually, her name is Akiko Natsume.  She still has her husband's
name.  They are still married.  Unless you're changing the background
story to include a divorce, which is perfectly acceptable.

Ah, one of those items I changed because.  You are, of course, correct.

I will expect results within 72 hours."

Standard practice on this is a bit fuzzy.  Some say all numbers under
a hundred should be spelled out, some say only numbers under twenty.
I myself subscribe to the former school, so just to let you know:  I
think this should be "seventy-two hours".

One of the Tai-Pan's copyeditors, Dave, would have nailed me on this too.
Sloppy.

     Arisa closed the doors and turned to Kyouko, fuming.
"Attacking a robot with superior social skills.  I have never
heard of anything more ridiculous!"

How about attacking a robot with catnip bombs?  ^_^

Well, you see after this Kyusaku creates his greatest invention, er upgrade
ever for Nuku Nuku!

"Hey, Kyouko."  Arisa turned to the blonde, tapping her
on the shoulder with impatience.  "Are you alright?"

all right

I'm just going to clip corners off my artistic licence for these.  Luckily
it has more corners than an anime love polygon. <grin>

Kyouko looked blankly at her partner for a moment, her
thoughts Obviously very distant.

obviously

#%^$#%^ spellcheker <g>

"I'll be right back, Arisa," Kyouko giggled as she re-
entered the office of Akiko Mishima waving the papers
she clutched.

I don't think you need to give her full name again.  I'd just say,
"entered Akiko's office..."

"What?!?

Don't use multiple punctuation marks.  Even "?!" is grammatically
indefensible.  "What!" will get the point across just fine.

"Ha!  I'll be able to afford a new jacket with the bonus
that we. I mean that I will earn from this mission!"

I think it works better as, "with the bonues that we- I mean, that I
will..."

This I will blame on MS Word- it kept replacing things on me, so tried to
workaround it.

'I just don't understand what has got into Kyouko's
head', she thought.

Any reason this is in single quotes?  Early you has her thinking in
double quotes.  I'd stay with double quotes for consistency's sake.

Well, '' are supposed to be thoughts and "" are supposed to be spoken aloud.
I didn't use italics to accomodate those with simpler mail clients.

"Could it be that she is seeing someone?" Arisa asked
aloud in the empty room.

Arisa's doing a lot of out-loud talking.  People rarely do these kind
of monologues for no audience.  I'd change this all to a simple
introspective passage, along the lines of:

Could she be seeing someone?  Arisa thought that over.  Kyouko'd
bought a new dress a few days ago.  And she'd missed _Usagi Yojimbo_
two nights ago.

And so on.

Well, it's the problem that at this point in the story I really don't have
anyone I can have as a foil.  Adding someone means introducing them and
using them later to make it all tidy.

Then again, I'm known for my penchant of writing long, introspective
passages.  And that's not always a good thing.  :)

Everything in moderation, unless it looks really cool. <grin>

They'd watched the American written anime of the
adventures of the wandering samurai rabbit since the
series had premiered a year ago.  Every Tuesday was
their 'Bunny with Dashio' night!

This seems unnecessarily expository.  No need to go into *this* much
detail, IMO.

Well, I just might be planning to use this later, y'know (shotgun on the
mantle--I've put several in here!).  Or I might believe that the reader will
have never heard of Stan Sakai's 'Usagi Yojimbo,' which would be a tragedy.
<grin>

     In a low voice she said "Maybe she has a boyfriend?"

     She slapped the clip into the pistol, holstering it.
"No.  That's impossible.  Neither of us are that lucky."

Hehehehe.  This is quite consistent with how they're portrayed in the
OAV's.  Hard to understand, though; I could think of many fanboys
who'd want to jump all over gun-toting obsessive attractive women like
them.  :)

As Arisa and Kyouko both declared dispondantly in Phase 0V, "We are such
miserable women!" (or something to that effect).  They don't have the self
confidence to attract...er, well maybe it's not about their confidence, is
it?  <grin>

Well, the problem with gun-toting, obsessive, attractive women is that they
tend to like to use thier weapons a bit... indiscrimately.

Ah, but imagine the money one could make auctioning off dates to Priss,
Arisa, Kei and Yuri, etc.  You'd never have anyone coming back for a refund!
<evil grin>

Arisa smiled cruelly.  "I'll show them!  I'll show
them all!!

Again with the multiple puncuation marks.  One exclamation point is
sufficient.

<clipping off another corner>

     "Gomenasai!" yelped the blonde.

Hmm.  Okay, well, this is definitely one of my personal nitpicks, so
feel free to ignore it.  But I think the use of Japanese phrases like
this is completely unnecessary.  It doesn't really add anything to the
story, and you risk alienating your audience by using phrases they are
unfamiliar with.  Granted, anyone who become exposed to anime will
pick up a few common phrases like "gomen nasai".  Still, I think it's
a bad habit to get in to.  Look at it this way: you're "translating"
99% of the dialogue for a Western audience; why not make it 100%?

You're right.  I'm speaking english and writing english in roman characters.
I don't speak Japanese worth beans and I can't write it.  <clip corner>

In Arisa's opinion her plan for what she dubbed
'Operation: Debutante' began as a rousing success.
 She had ample short, medium and long range weapons,
grenades, a pair of claymore mines and the best-selling
Mishima Heavy Industries' "Duct Blind" urban sniper
nest.  With these weapons, a map of the school complex
and a timetable of classes that the Android NK-1124
attended, she began to plan her mission.

Hehehehe.  I liked this paragraph for some reason.  A nice contrast
between the name and the apparent execution of the plan.  :)

Remember, there is no problem that cannot be solved with the proper
application of military technology.

After circling where she would set up on the roof of the
Elementary School she gathered her supplies and left to
find a bus that would take her.

Take her where?

Well, that is rather suprising.  Maybe she's going to the twilight zone.
<clip corner>

     Arisa pushed her sunglasses up to cover her eye's

eyes

Those sunglasses belong to her eyes!  That it!  <clip corner>

"Oh, but it's not a weapon!  It's a, er. Plant stand!"

"But it says 'Danger: Laser'."

Hehehehehehe.

Never let the facts get in the way.

I'm going to measure the distance from her to...

here

     "Some of them have... Hello Kitty???  What in the hell?"

Again, one question mark will suffice.

If I remember, one ! is exciting, two !! is heart palpatations, three !!! is
a coronary.  Likewise one ? is a question, ?? is a brain seizure and ???
indicate that you just had a stroke.  Sorry Arisa!  <clip corner>

Then from behind her she heard a pair of feet dropping to
the roof.  Arisa pivoted around with the Laser cannon until
a smiling girl with crimson hair swung into her sights.

Oopsie.   :)

No plan survives contact with the enemy!

 Nuku Nuku ignored her.  Walking to the edge of the roof,
hand over her Mouth,

mouth

"Well, of course I was holding it.... Whaa???"

Again, only one is necessary.

<clip corner> -- ya' know, I'm lucky this licence has so many corners!

Luckily his self-preservation instincts, honed by two years
of living with his Dad and Nuku Nuku, had kicked in.

This should either be "with his dad" or "with Dad".

"Hold still so I can kill you!"

"Arisa, you sound like Eimi-chan when she comes over to
play!"

Hehehehe.  You've got Nuku Nuku down perfectly.

Thank you.

"How have I gotten myself into this situation?  Lady
Akiko would not approve."

You're wavering back and forth between "Lady Akiko" and "Akiko-sama".
I'd pick one and stay with it.

Good point.

End of Part one.

Well, I like it so far.  You've got an excellent grasp on the
characterization, and the writing is quite good, with the quibbles
noted above.  I think you rely too much on your characters speaking
their thoughts out loud; I'd suggest turning more of that into
introspection.

Hard to get a feel for the plot, which actually gets barely started
here.  I think I like how it's going so far, but I'll need to see more
to be able to judge.

All in all, a very good start.  You have very promising writing
skills, IMO.  I look forward to more of this.

-Richard

Yeah, it does start kind of slow, and I really don't have much of a cliff
hanger ending yet.  Part two is cooking, with various wierd ideas beginning
to gel.

I just wish I was as prolific, and warped, as the rest of the writing group
I hang out with (Miko being one of them).

Okay.  I'm going to take note of these changes and then look at where I can
fit in some