"Ah, can you believe that?"

Makoto turned away from the hypnotic flash of the television screen.
Minako was sitting in front of Ami's computer, "surfing the 'net."
Right now she was making disapproving noises under her breath.
Makoto got up the nerve to ask, "What?"

"Mako-chan, you're not manic-depressive, are you?"

"You tell me."

"Sailor V says, 'Nope!'"

Makoto turned back to the television.  "I'm glad we have that
settled."


Sanji no Yousei Productions presents
Meta
A meta-self-insertion Sailor Moon fanfic by Craig Putnam
Disclaimers, copyrights, and apologies follow the text


Some time after Queen Beryl's ashes were scattered across the Arctic,
and before the world of technology came to a violent end, the five
schoolgirls sometimes known as the Inner Senshi decided to have a
small sleepover party.

Oddly enough, or perhaps not so oddly, the girls chose Ami's house
for the occasion.  Usagi's house was out of the question:  her family
was too inquisitive.  Minako's was ruled out for the same reason.
Rei's "family" (referred to as "those men") was simply intrusive.
And Makoto -- despite enjoying a little housework every now and then
-- had no desire to clean up after her friends again.

That left Ami, whose mother was away learning new and improved ways
to put people back together.

It is a proven fact that when two or more teenagers are together when
the clock strikes eleven-thirty, they will suddenly and
simultaneously start laughing at anything remotely funny.  Mizuno
Ami, high school student and sometime Senshi of Mercury, entered her
room to the sight of Minako and Makoto rolling on the floor laughing.
She watched the two for a moment, amusement making her mouth twitch
slightly.  "Okay," she said, "what's so funny?"

Minako took a deep breath.  "Sun Princess:Sun Crystal Enchantment
Power! Make Up!" she yelled.  At this, Makoto laughed even harder.

"*What?*"

Between giggles and hiccups, they explained.  Minako had found a
website full of fiction dedicated to, and featuring, the Senshi.
"Most of it's Sailor V stuff," Makoto noted with a frown, "but there
are a few that feature all of us."

"Hey, Ami-chan!" Minako broke in, "I got an idea.  Let's write our
own Senshi stories!"

Ami was intrigued.  "A biography?" she asked.

"Nonono!  A fiction story!"

The blue-haired girl thought about it for a moment.  Usagi and Rei
were downstairs playing a Milton-Bradley game.  Last time she'd
checked, Rei was sweating and Usagi's locket was glowing.  They were
probably cheating, and she'd just as probably have to throw away the
dice when they were done (the dice's probability being questionable),
so she smiled warmly and said, "Okay!"

Makoto sat up, holding her side.  "You type, Ami-chan, and we'll
dictate."  Ami sat before the keyboard and pulled up an editor.  "All
right, this story is called,"

       Makoto Saves the Day

"Hey," broke in Minako, "you can't use your real name!  Besides, it
should really be called,"

       Sailor V Saves the Day

Makoto frowned.  "You already have a bunch of stories.  What we need
is a story featuring all of us.  How about,"

       Sailor J Leads the Senshi to Victory

"Sailor J?  Doesn't work.  How about,"

       The Senshi Kick Some Energy-Sucking Monster's Butt

"That's what all of those stories are about, except the one where the
Senshi kill Sailor Moon and have a party...  Okay, Ami-chan, what do
we have so far?"

       Sailor Mercury Outsmarts the Enemy

"Ami-chan," Minako said, trying her best to sound threatening, "do
you want to help us with this or not?"

"Of course I do," Ami replied.  "How about,"

       The Real Senshi
       by the Sailor Senshi

"That's good," Makoto said.  "That's really good!  Now, the story
begins..."

       It was a beatiful morning.  The sky was blue and the cherry
       trees were blooming.  Suddenly, it started raining.

"Hold it," Minako said.  "I thought you said the sky was blue."

"It's part of the plot, girl.  Just listen:"

       People started scurrying indoors to escape the wetness.  Inside
       their secret base, Sailor Mars called the Senshi to a meeting.
       "I sense a great evil," she said.

"Gag me with a chopstick, Mako-chan!  That is so unoriginal!  Here,
listen:"

       From their secret base, which was on the Moon, the Senshi could
       see stormclouds gathering over Japan.  Since Sailor Moon had a
       tummyache from eating too much chocolate, Sailor Venus was in
       charge.  "Sailor Mercury," she ordered, "Scan using your
       computer-thingy.  Find out what's happening."

       "Do it yourself," Sailor Mercury said.

"Wait a minute!" Minako cried,  "I didn't tell you to write that!"

"I'm sorry," Ami said.  "I could have sworn that you...  oh well,
I'll just erase that sentence.  Please continue."

       Sailor Mercury took out her computer-thingy and scanned.  "I'm
       getting readings of evil energy!  It looks like an attack from
       the Dark Kingdom!"

       "I thought we destroyed them already!" said Sailor Jupiter.

"I thought we destroyed them already," said Makoto.

"Umm...  oh, yeah."

"I have an idea," Ami interrupted.

       An annoying titter echoed through the chamber.  "Come down and
       play, Sailors!"

       Sailor Mars raised her head.  "I know that voice," she growled.
       "Zoicite!"

"Oh, please!" Minako said with a mock sigh.  "Do you know how many
resurrected bad guys are in these fics?"

Ami seemed unfazed.  "How many?"

"A full HALF of them!"

"Hmm.  You see the fics as full half, I see them as empty half," Ami
replied cruelly.

As Minako parsed Ami's sentence, Makoto dictated.

       "That's right, girls!  I'm back, and I'm gonna get revenge on
       you for killing my Kunzi-chan!"

"KUNZI-CHAN?" Minako asked.  "That's the sort of thing that
Usagi-chan calls...  Eew."

Makoto shrugged.  "I wasn't the one who was hot for Haruka-san."

"Ooh, you...  my turn."

       Zoicite disappeared in a shower of cherry blossoms.  "All
       right, team!" Sailor V called out, "let's go to Earth and kick
       her butt!"

       "Might I point out," Mercury interceded, "that we know nothing
       of the enemy's location, or their strength?"

"Might I point out," Ami interceded, "that we know..."

"Yeah, yeah."  Minako waved dismissively.

"She's right, Mina-chan.  We need to let the reader know what's going
on."

Minako plopped onto the ground and did her best to look thoughtful.
"Well, how about we have a scene from the bad guy's headquarters..."

       In the Dark Kingdom base on the ocean floor,

"What?"

"Be quiet, I'm the dictator!"

       ...the ocean floor, Zoicite appeared in a poof of cherry
       blossoms.  "Oh-hohohohooo!  I will have my revenge!  Zipitite!
       Nitelite!"

       Two really ugly monsters showed up.  "Yes, General?"

"Yes, Mina-chan?" Ami said after a moment of silence.

"Um...  I think I have writer's cramp."

"*Block*," Makoto corrected.  "Writer's *block*."

"That too."

"Well, then, I guess it's my turn!"

       "I want you two to stir up some trouble for the Sailor Senshi!
       Go to Tokyo.  One of you start draining people, the other hide
       and wait for the Senshi to come, then attack them from behind!"

       They bowed and said, "Yes, General."

"What?"

"Mako-chan," Ami said.  "That's a pretty good plan!  I wonder why
that never happened to us?"

"Oh."

"Well, keep going."

       Zipitite and Nitelite appeared in Tokyo.

       "Okay," said Zipitite.  "I'll go drain some people, and you
       wait."

       "Okay," said Nitelite.

"Not!" Minako broke in.  "That is *not* how it would happen!  Try
this..."

       "Okay," said Zipitite.  "I'll go drain some people, and you
       wait in that dumpster."

       "Hey!" said Nitelite.  "I wanna drain people.  You go wait in a
       dumpster!"

       "No way!" yelled Zipitite.  "I called first!  And I sat in the
       dumpster last time!"

"Mina-chaaan!  Bad guys don't act like that!"

Ami broke in, trying to head off further debate.  "I say we keep it."

"Fine," Makoto pouted.  "But I'm going next."

      In the Senshi's secret base, Sailor Venus's obnoxious white
      cat...

"Hey wait a min-"

       ...cat entered the war room.  "There's trouble in Tokyo," he
       said.  The Senshi nodded.

       "Okay," said Sailor Moon.  "Let's teleport down there!"

       The cat plopped down and went to sleep.

"I'm warning you, Mako-chan-"

       The Senshi formed a circle and teleported to Tokyo, where two
       monsters were fighting in a park, which they wouldn't do.

Minako placed her hand firmly over Makoto's mouth.  "No more from
you, bud.  And that wasn't a nice thing to say about Artemis."

"Geez, Mina-chan, it was a joke.  Besides, Ami won't actually type
that in.  Right, Ami-chan?"

Ami shrugged, then straightened as Minako took over the story.

       "Hold it right there!" said Sailor Moon.  "For love and
       justice, I am the sailor-suited pretty senshi Sailor Moon, and
       in the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!"  The rest of the
       Senshi struck poses, except Sailor Jupiter, who was making
       googley eyes at a guy.

"Hah, hah," Makoto didn't laugh.  "How about we let Ami have a go at
it."

Minako nodded, and Ami started typing while she spoke.

       The monsters ignored her.  They continued to rampage, tearing
       up trees, turf, and concrete as they scuffled.
       
       "Well," said Sailor Moon, "we'll just have to cool them down.
       Sailor Mercury, if you please?"
       
       Mercury nodded and yelled, "Mercury Black Ice Wipeout!"  The
       exertion was too great; she collapsed into Sailor Moon's arms
       and lay still.

"Umm."  There seemed to be an itch at the back of Makoto's neck.  She
rubbed it self-conscously.

"Right," Minako added.  "Why don't I..."

"Yeah," Makoto jumped in.  "Why don't you..."

       Sailor Venus watched as the monsters slipped and fell on the
       ice.  "Come on, Mars!" she called, since Sailor Jupiter was
       making googley eyes at a girl.

"Okay, that's-"

       Venus called, "Venus Broken Heartache!" and shot broken-heart
       shaped shurinken at one of the monsters.  It turned into dust.
       Mars yelled, "Mars Overcooked Marshmallow!" and a flaming gooey
       white ball toasted the other monster.

       Sailor Venus's fans cheered.

"Yeah," muttered Makoto.  "All two of them."

Minako huffed, "Bigger than your cheering section."

"Hah!  AMI's fan base is bigger than yours!"

"Hush!"

Ami looked up.  "What was that?  My fan base?  My adoring fans?
Adolescent males drooling at the very thought of Sailor Mercury?"

Her friends nodded numbly.

"Let's not disappoint them."

       Back at the Senshi's secret base, Sailor Moon laid her
       barely-conscious friend on the table.  "Oh, Mercury," she
       sobbed, "why did you have to be so brave?"  She held one small,
       pale hand as Mercury's pulse weakened and her heartbeat slowed.
       The blue uniform faded, revealing silken skin that glistened
       with a light sheen of sweat.  Her pert bre

"STOP!"

"Is something wrong, Mina-chan?"

"No...  Yes!  Does your mother know you read that kind of stuff?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Hmph."  Minako cursed.  "My turn."

       Mercury died, and everybody felt sad except Jupiter who was
       making googley eyes at a cactus.

       "Oh, well," said Sailor Venus.  "I guess we need a new Sailor
       Mercury.  And I know just the person!"

"But you can't just-"

"Quiet, Mercury, you're dead."

       "There's this girl," Sailor Venus was saying before the
       extremely dead and therefore irreverent

"Irrelevent."

       ...irrelevant Mercury interrupted.  "she's really nice and
       brave and has the heart of a warrior, and she's been attacked
       so many times that we should make her an honorary

"No."

Minako blinked.  "What?"

Makoto crossed her arms.  "No.  No, no, no.  We've had this
discussion, and Usagi said no.  So, no."

"But it's just a story!"

"No."

"Okaaay, fine.  *You* tell the story, then."

"Fine."

       The Senshi stuffed Sailor Venus's cat into her mouth to shut
       her up.  Sailor Jupiter, who was not making and never did make
       googley eyes at *anything,* said, "Let's just find this Ziocite

"What's wrong, Ami-chan?"

Ami had stopped typing.  "It's getting late, guys.  Can we finish
this later?"

"Nah," Minako said.  "Just post it."

"But it's not done."

Makoto spoke in a lecturing tone.  "Ami-chan," she said.  "If people
actually finished their stories before posting them, no one would
ever post *anything*!"

Ami nodded, understanding.  "This newsgroup?"  Minako "Uhuh"'d, and
Ami did a few quick keystrokes.  "It's away," she said.  A keystroke
later, the screen faded, and she stood up.  "It should be safe to go
downstairs now."

Makoto looked her closely.  "Is there something down there we should
know about?"

"Just a dice game.  You should have seen them..."

The girls filed out of the room, Minako flicking off the light and
shutting the door behind her.


The End.


Disclaimars and copyrights

This is a work of fan fiction (although work is hardly an accurate
term).  Sailor Moon etc. was created by Naoko Takeuchi, and is
licsensed by Kodansha, DiC, etc.  No profit is intended, just a
humble contribution to an already huge body of fan fiction.

Apologies

To anyone reading this:  gomen nasai.  As a rule, I only write at
three o'clock in the morning.  If you have any comments or flames,
please feel free to send them to chputnam@vitrex.net or
popeinnocent@hotmail.com.

To the writers of the fics I referred to herein:  no apologies.

Apologies for the formatting, if I messed it up.  The formatting
program I'm writing is still a little naive, and it can't do
indented paragraphs (yet).

One of these days I'll spell-check this thing.

I'm going to bed now.  'Night.


-- Craig Putnam
Sailor Singularity

I am the Black Rose, the dead star with a heavy heart
that consumes all it surveys.
I am Singularity.