Once upon a time, there was a fanfic author.
He READ a lot more stories than he actually WROTE, though.
So, instead of geting a little work ethic, he got lazy and decided to
take the easy way out, and rag on others works instead.
So he recruited a couple of fictional charchters, snagged a movie
theatre, and grabbed some munchies.
And thus was born.......
LST1/2K: Lunatic Science Theatre 500.
Starring, in no particular order:
Mercutio: The man who can't stop saying "Three miles away, a duck
exploded."
Mackie Stingray: Loserboy-01.
Hikaru Gosunkugi: Loserboy-02.
-Begin LST1/2K-
Mercutio: Don't ask us why we did this; weird things happen in my head
late at night, okay?
Mackie: At least I'm finally back in the MSTing. I enjoyed my sabbatical,
but it's good to be back spewing forth my perversions for all to see.
Hikaru: <muttering> Until Maya comes back and kicks you out......
Mackie: What was that?
Hikaru: Oh look, it's starting.
Great Cthulhu, soruce of cosmic evil, is sitting upon his throne
of pain in sunken R'lyeh and plotting to take over the universe.
Mercutio(Cthulhu): "So.... drowsy. Must.... stay awake...... must.....
dominate.... globe......"
Cthulhu: Hmm... I need a cunning plan
Hikaru(Cthulhu): "I know! I'll inspire an unsuspecting Canadian and his
friends to write a story about me, thus increasing my power and influence
among the puny humans!"
Mackie(Yog-Sothoth): "Perhaps we should reconsider. He might portray us
as sex-crazed soul-munching idiots."
Hikaru(Cthulhu): "Bah. I'm sure that would never happen."
Cthulhu snaps his mighty finger!
Mercutio: Three miles away, a duck exploded.
Cthulhu: I know! I will ressurect a mighty warrior and use nhim
as my servant to take over the universe!
Mackie: Nhim, those RATS!!!!!
Cthulhu is happy. He's going to take over the universe, and
crush humanity beneath his mighty eldritch heel. He laughs
evilly. Suddenly, two Deep One srvants rush in.
Deep One One: Master Cthuhlu! We have found a suitable
candidate!
Hikaru(Cthulhu): "If you brought Gates back here AGAIN, I will give
you such a beating....."
Deep One Two: He is inddeed a mighty warrior!
Cthulhu: That was quick!
OPENING (The 'Dance of the Hours' from Ponchielli's opera 'La
Gioconda'.)
RANMA 1/2 2096
You might be wondering why Alan 'Waters Under Earth' Harnu, David
'DnR' Tai, Mike 'Ill-Met by Starlight' Loader and Chris 'Ranma 2096'
Willmore are writing a sequel to a story by Petes-kun.
Mackie: Yes, that DID rather cross our minds.
Mercutio: Have you been smoking that moose jerkey again, Chris?
Well, it's because we suck. We've looked at the FFML responses and
seen the error of our ways. Our stories go uncommented on, while Pete
and his colleagues rack up the C&C.
Hikaru: And if that ain't one of the signs of the apocalypse...
The time has come for us to learn
from our betters, and so we proudly present a tribute to our
masters.
Hikaru: Which masters? The International Canadian Conspiracy, the
FreeMasons, or the Chilean Flatware Guild?
Here is 'A Warrior Arises, Part 2: A Cthulhu Arises - The
purple-helmeted Revenant of Love!'
Mackie: Run away, RUN AWAY!!!!
***
Skeride is lying asleep in her bed., wearing only a skmipy
negligee.
Hikaru: Ooooooooo, baby.....
Mercutio: <whaps Gos upside the head> Dammit, Gos, she's your
great-grandaughter!!!! I have enough trouble dealing with Mackie!!
Skeride: Oooh... ratiko-san... lower...
Skeride's hand vbegins to creep down beneath the covers.
Skeride: mmmy... yes, Ratiko...
Mackie: Boy, compared to this chick, I'm not so bad.
Suddenly, an apparation of graat Cthulhu appears in Skeride's
bedroom.
Hikaru(drowsy Skeride): "Sicarii? S'that you? didja bring the whips like
I told you to?"
Cthuhlu: wake up, Skeride!
Skeride: {looking up} Ahh!
Cthuhlu: I have an offer for you! Ressurect the mighty warrior
Maverick using your mystic powers, and Ratiko will be yours!
Hikaru(Skeride): <yawns> "No thanks; I'll just tie him to a bed and do'im
six ways from Sunday while he sleeps. That'll work just as well."
Skeride: Wow! Promise?
Cthulhu: Yes! I swear on this Bible!
Skeride thought for a few seconds. On the one hand, Great Cthulhu
was an icky source of pain, evil, insanity, death, carnage, flat tax,
cosmetic salespeople, head cheese, and funky bathroom odor. On the other
hand, he was promising her Ratiko, and the Bible gripped in one
gelatinous psuedopod looked pretty darn holy.
Mackie: This can't be code-approved.
Besides, maybe she could get some from Maverick.
Mercutio: If that line wasn't from Harnums, I'll eat my doublet.
***
Three hours later, Skeride was busily unearth the dead Mav.
"Ick," she said, tossing out a tibia. "He's gone bad."
Hikaru(Herbert West): "Hey! This is MY graveyard to plunder, dammit!"
Still, rotting corpses had never stopped Skeride before, and they
wouldn't know. Whipping out her Steamomatic Delux sewing machine, she
quickly set to work restoring the noble if slightly moldy warrior to his
top form.
Mackie: That's going to take all of five seconds.....
The results were somewhat mixed. Her torso was upside down, and
Mav's head was now attacked to his posterior whilst his legs fit handily
on the stumps of his shoulders. And a colony of mice was living in his
gastroinstestinal tract. But no matter. His heroic stature was
undiminished, and those parts of it that sagged somewhat soon straightened
themselves up.
Mackie: Uggh. Without a doubt the worst double entendre EVER. And that
comes from ME.
Suddenly a pack of wild dogs attacked them.
Hikaru(Skeride): "Don't worry Maverick, I'll save us!!! COME TO ME, MY
JUNGLE FRIENDS!!!!!!"
<a horde of rabid squirrels descends upon the dogs and tears them to pieces>
Skeride: Maverick watchout!
Maverick: Shit! I'm already dead and now these dogs! So he shouts 'SUper
U'sa Lice Fat!' and this big yellow slimy beam shoots out of his hands and
hits the dogs.
Mercutio: Three miles away, a duck exploded.
They yelp. The leader says 'Curse you Maverick! You can't
get aay with is!' but they say it in dog language so he can't understand.
Hikaru: "Lice fat?"
Skeride: Wow, Mav, you're tough.
Mav: Yeah, well, a friend of mine killed a god, and I have to compete with
that. Let's go.
Skeride: Where?
Mackie(Maverick): "We're off to see the Wizard!!"
Mercutio: Maybe he'll give you a brain.
Mav: To your house. I need clothes.
Skeride blushed cause she only noticed now all his clothes had rotted.
Skeride: Oh yeah. Oh! Oh!
Mav: What is it
Skeride: Great Cthulhu told me to give this to you!
Mercutio(Maverick): "If this is more tentacles, I'm not interested....."
The dogs meanwhile were eating up the thick yellow slime but they didn't
know it'd blow them up which was a good think, 'cause it hurt.
Hikaru: Yes, a good think often hurts.
Skeride pulled a big purple helmet out of her bodysuit and gave it to
Maverick.
Mackie: Damn. That must be one roomy bodysuit.
Maverick: What is it?
Skeride: The Purple Helmet.
Hikaru(Skeride): "It's on loan from EVA-01. We have to get it back by
morning, or we lose our deposit."
Maverick: The Purple Helmet? Wow! Ithought it was lost!
Skeride: Great Cthulhu knows all.
Maverick: So what are we going to do tonight?
Mercutio: The same thing we do every night, Pinky....
Skeride: Take over the world.
maverick: Cool. Wanna fuck first?
Skeride: Okay.
Hikaru: <shakes his head> Damnit, how can that crazed nympho be
related to ME? This MUST come from Akari's side of the family.
Maverick and skeride ran off and got a hotel room. On the way,
Maverick used his powers to rearrange himeself so his head wasn't
on his assany more.
In the hotel room, Mav tried on the Purple Helmet.
Mercutio: Three miles away, a duck exploded.
Maverick: I can feel my mind... erk.... touching my brain... must...
resist... ahhh...
Mackie: Good, keep resisting using your mind; you do enough damage
as it is without having the ability to think about it.
Skeride: Oh no! MAAAAAAAAAAVERICK!
Suddenly, an apparation of great Cthulhu apepars!
Cthulhu: wahahahaha! Now your are mine by the power of the Purple
Helmet of Throbbing Pssion!
Skeride: Where's Ratiko?
Mercutio(Reiraku): "As far away as possible from YOU, you stalker psycho
hosebitch...."
Cthuhlu: Hahaha! Foolish mrotal! CTHULHU-UBER CRUSHER BEAM!
Great Cthuhlu firs a giant beam of blue energy from his forehead
at Skeride.
Skeride: Ahh! You lied to me, Great Cthuhlu! Andb you swore on
the Bible!
Maverik blocks the bam with his chest.
Mercutio: The mice can't be happy about that.
Cthuhlu: Arrgghhh! You will obey me!
Maverick: Ahh... no... must not... commit... evil...
Cthulhu: hahaha! You will fight my battles for me!
Hikaru: Alright, DAMN but Cthulhu has bad taste in warriors.....
Skeride: You lied on the Bible! You're going to hell!
Ctuhlu: Maverick, your first task is to shut her up!
Maverick resists for a moent, thn goes limp. With a mighty blow
of his fist, he knocks Skeride out.
Maverick: ahh! What have I done? SENIIIIIIII!
Mercutio: Shut UP, you loser!!!
And then the Bible bounced down and opened and it turned out it was
really the Necronomicon in a fake cover with some really interesting
pictures of naked owmen and goats.
Maverick: Wow. Goats look cute. Oh no! It has to be the helmet!
STEEEEEEEEEEEELLA! I mean, SKERIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Cthulhu: Don't shout like that! You have to be evil!
Mackie(Cthulhu): "And evil people shout _LIKE_THIS_!!!!!!!!
Maverick: Okay. How can I be evil not-so-great one?
Cthulhu: Hey!
Maverick: You can take my body but you never have Maverick's soul!
Mercutio: You can take our lives, but you'll never take OUR FREEDOM!!!! Oh
wait, you just did. Nevermind.
Cthulhu: Yes I do. (Chtulu reaches into Mav and pulls out his soul,
then whistles.) Yog-Sogoth! Snack time!
This big ugly thing with tentacles reaches out of a pentagon and chomps
on the soul. Chomp. Chomp.
'No!' says the wild dog leader in dog language as he rushes into the
hotel. 'That soul is MINE!'
Mercutio(Cthulhu): "Hey, you get to score in a couple paragraphs, so shut up!"
Mav: Super Tourniquette Slap Horse! And this big neighing nurse sits
on the dog and squahes him flat. Yog Sogoth eats the dog's soul and barfs,
because it's nasty.
Maverick: Oh wait! I know how I can be evil!
He forces one of the dogs on the unconscious Skeride.
Hikaru(Cthulhu): "Damn. Wish I'd gotten there first....."
Dog: Yip! Yip!
Mav: Hurray!
Dog: Arf! Arf!
Skeride: Oooh... mmm... Ratiko-chan...
Mercutio(Skeride): "Ratiko-san, when did you get so short and furry?"
The dog jumps off and bites Mav on the ass.
Mercutio: Three miles away, a duck exploded.
"FUCKING SHIT!" says Mav, slicing the dog in half. "GODDAMN
HELL!"
Mackie: Yes, I am fairly certain God intends to damn Hell.
Cthulhu laughs. "Now here are your orders! You will go to the
secret government base in the Paciific, where they're developing
new weapons to destroy me. You will blow everything up, and laugh
in an evil way!"
Hikaru(Maverick): "Should I go 'BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!' or 'OHOHOHOHOHO!'?
I've never been evil before, and I want to get it right....."
"FUCK YEAH@!" says Mav. "No... wait... SKEEERRRRRRRRRRRIDEEEEE!"
"Get outta here, you fucking deadbeat!" says the hotel manager
rnunning in. Yog-Sothoth eats his osul.
"SUPER TELOPORT!"
Mav disappears in a falsh of light.
Cthulhu turns to Yog-Sothoth. "wanna go pick up some chicks?"
Mercutio(Yog-Sothoth): "Sure. I know this nice little strip club Nyarlathotep
runs on the side. We''ll relax, kick back, do some Shuggoth Shooters....."
[Suddenly, a shot rings out! The director is shot dead, and the Dread
Space Pirate Bailesu overruns the set taking control of this story!]
Mackie(Bailesu): "Ha ha! We're appropriating this space for COAEG, and
there's not a damn thing you can do about it!!!"
Bailesu: There is no rest at the gate. Akemi, start the cameras
rolling!
Akemi: [the Maison-Otaku Akemi] They're already rolling. We're on film.
Bailesu: ACK! Everyone hide! Resume filming!
;akdjf;dijq;fidjifj
[The Place: NERV HQ--Mu. The Time: 2025. The Place...oh wait, I said
that.
Mercutio: Hah! It's turned into an Eva fic now! You know what that means; hit
the bricks, Stingray.
Mackie: Buh?!? But why?
Hikaru: Because we promised Ibuki Maya that she could MST all Eva fics.
And quite frankly, because she's way cuter than you. Push the button, Merc.
<Mercutio pushes the console button on the side of his chair. Mackie's
ejection chair launches him clear of the fic. Three miles away, a duck
exploded.
Enter Maya, stage right.>
Maya: Boy, I thought he'd never leave. <sits down and pops open a soda>
We see Ikari Gendo standing on the command bridge, looking ominous.
He's good at that. Ritsuko is trying to get his pants off, but he
casually backhands her, and she collapses. He still looks ominous
though.]
Maya: Sir, Maverick approaching!
Gendo: OPEN FIRE! ALL WEPONS! DISPATCH WAR ROCKET AJAX TO >
BRING BACK HIS BODYD!
Maya: "Yes, General Gala!"
Maya: Do you mean the Evas sir?
Mercutio(Gendo): "No, dammit!! I said War Rocket Ajax, and by gar, i MEANT
War Rocket Ajax!!!!"
Gendo: Damn straight!
{The Tune from Shaft starts to play, with Maya and Ritsuko doing the
background vocals and Fuyuutsuki as the lead vocal}
Mercutio(Fuyutsuki): "Who's the black soulless bastard that's a sex machine
to all the scientist chicks he meets?"
Maya: "Shut yo' mouth!"
Mercutio: "But I'm talkin' bout Gendo!"
Hikaru: "I can dig it."
[Cut to where Asuka, Shinji, and Rei are having an orgy. No, it's a card
game. No...they're asleep]
Mercutio: The card game and orgy tired them out.
Misato: [runs in] Maverick is coming!
Asuka: [leaps to her feet] Finally, a real man! I will fight by his
side since that bastard Kaji dumped me!
Misato: No, you have to fight him.
Hikaru: Remember, fight to the pain.
Shinji: [crumples up in a ball] No...someone save me.
Rei: Maverick will die.
Misato: To the BATCAVE!
Mercutio(Batman): "Damnit!!! First those freakin' Knight Sabers, now this!
Does
EVERYBODY have to come to the Batcave?"
Asuka: What?
Misato: Go get in your EVAs, you bunch of dysfunctional MANIACS! You all
suck! We should fire you and replace you with the Sailor Senshi! At
least they look cute in a skirt!
Shinji: You didn't say that when we were in bed last night.
Hikaru(Shinji): <sniffles> "And I even wore the cullottes too..... dammit,
Misato,
what does it take to please you?"
Misato: NOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHERS, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE NGST >
RIDDEN SLOOT!
Asuka: Sloot?
Maya: Ngst?
Misto kisks them all intot he next scene ina fit of anstg.
WERJEIsjfkjslkjdfk29340398
[WE see EVA01 scramble. We see EVOA2 scramble. We see eggs scramble. >
We see EVA007 scramble]
Misato: See the purple headed thing?
Mercutio(Shinji): "I thought I asked you to stop calling me that!"
Shinji: I willnotrunawayfrombarneyiwaillnotruwkndnw!
Asuka: I think Shinji's spring is winding down.
Rei: die, Maverick, die.
MAVER(ICK: I AM THE PUIRP:LE-HATTED WARRIOR OF LOOVE! I WILL >
DESTROY OU ALL BECAUSE I AM THE MOST EVIL ONE THAT BE!!!!
Asuka: It's Dr. Thinker! AAAAA!!!!
Maya: No, I'm pretty sure that Dr. Thinker is a lot less coherent than even
that.
And I've been in Hideaki Anno anime, so I KNOW incoherency.
Shinji: I will not run away. I will not run...ack!
[Maverick shoots right through Unit01, which explodes]
Asuka: Oh, man, he killed Shinji!
Maya: Oh my God, they killed Shinji!
Mercutio: You bastards!!!
[Unit00 closes to grapple with Maverick, who is greatly outclassed in
size]
Maverick: No choice...must use...ADAMANTIUM CLAWS! [sprouts 50 foot long
claws from his wrists, and carves his way through 00 to the Entry Plug.
He slashes it open, then DRINKS all the LCL]
Hikaru(Maverick): <smacks lips> "Damn, but that's good Tang!!!"
Rei: you cannot hope to defeat me.
Maverick: Now that your EVA is plum out of whacky juice, I ain't got to!
Bye now!
Then maverick goes to 02 and seduces Asuka. They make live while 'Requiem
for Methusalah' plays in the background. Then...
Gendo: FIRE THE WAVE MOTION GUN!
Maya: "Jawohl, mein fuhrer! I mean, yes sir!"
[NERV=MU splits open and a cannon the size of New York City pops out. And
then Mavericks old girlfriend shows up!]
Sine: MAVERICK! You're ALIVE!
Maverick: No, I"m dead and I'm EVIL! HA HA!
Mercutio: Maverick; Dead and Loving It.
Gendo: HA! HA! HA!
Maverick: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Gendo: You win. Your evil cackle is too much for me.
Gendo dies of shame.
Mercutio: And there was much rejoicing!
Maya: Yay!
Sine: WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GIRL?!?!?
Maverick: DOn't they teach you ANYTHING in high school anymore? It's -
Just then Sine fires the cannon herself. It hits the EVA02 and fries
Asuka but Maverick is saved by his purple passion helmet.
Mercutio: And three miles away, a duck exploded.
Maverick: HA! HA! I am INVICIBLE!
Ranma, Akane, Kim, Skeride, Thanatos, Rei, Usai, Lina Inverse, Yoko, Golgo
13, Rick, Lisa and Minmei stand on the sidelines and cheer him on. GO
MAVERICK! GO MAVERICK! GO MAVERICK!
Remaining EVAS: DIE, MAVERICK!
Hikaru: WHAT remaining Evas?
Mav: But I'm already dead!
But then the purple-helmeted revenant of lvoe thrusts his passionate head
into the giant biomechas. He goes in and out of them like an eldtrich
piston and when he's done the cast of EVangelion is deader than at the end
of the series.
Maya: At least I score before the end; you gotta give me that.
Then Chtulu appears with Yog Sothoth at his side. They have lots of
chicks, but they're the clucking kind.
Mercutio(Cthulhu): "Behold my master plan!!! Using this breeding stock, I
shall create the awesomely, evillly evil MILLENIUM CHICKEN, and thus,
DESTROY THE WORLD!!!!!"
Chtulu: That was an evil thing to do!
Yog Sothoth: BRUUUUU! SOUL! I NEED SOUL!
He goes off to a local music club and devours a lot of the performers.
Hikaru(Billy Joel): "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"
Sine: Maverick! You're supposed to be good, not evil!
Maverick picks up a passing wombat.
Maverick: Ipso Facto Fire Declaration! The wombat bursts into flame and
runs away. Burn baby burn! I'm evil!
Cthulhu: He's evil!
Ranma, Akane, Kim, Skeride, Thanatos, Rei, Usai, Lina Inverse, Yoko, Golgo
13, Rick, Lisa and Minmei: He's evil!
Charred corpse of Asuka come to life again: But he's the best in the sack!
Mercutio: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. Just when you thought Asuka couldn't get
any worse......
Cthulhu: Isn't she supposed to be dead?
Asuka: I am, but I had to come back for more. Maverick, you're the
greatest! Let us be zombie lovers forever!
Maya(Asuka): "We can get a studio apartment in Raccoon City, and live
happily ever after!"
Sine: The hussy!
Skeride appears again.
Skeride: He's mine!
Maya(Sine): "Back off, squirrel chick!!! You've got Fido, Maverick belongs
to ME!!!!"
Cthulhu: Not her again. Darn her! Darn her to HECK!
Sine: Take ME, Mav! I'm fresh!
SKeride: Take me, Mav! I'm darned to HECK!
Cthulhu: You can't have him! Maverick is MINE! I chose him to be MY lover
for eternity!
Mercutio: <retches uncontrollably>
Hikaru: <retches controllably>
Maya: <blushes like nobodies business>
Maverick: What?!? He is a little surprised.
Chtulhu: Yes! I want you, Maverick, and I will use my power over the
helmet to make you give me what I need!
Charred Asuka: No waY! Stop that! Mavrick, fight him!
Maya(Asuka): "Don't make me withhold affection!"
Maverick: AAAAARGH! PURPLE... HELMET... EATING... BRAIN!
Mercuito: Oh, BIG loss there.
Maverick struggles and tears his clothes off while dhe does it. Cthlu and
Asuka start drooling. Sine blushes. Most of the people chering on the
sidelines nosebleed.
Sine: QUICK, MAVERICK! WHILE HE'S DISTRACTED! USE YOUR ULTIMATE > ATACK!
Asuka: But it'll KILL HIM!
Hikaru: That would be the point there, yes.
Sine: He's already dead! So are you!
Cthulhu: Your pulsating pectorals are the sexiest I've ever seen! Bond
with me NOW! Give it to me, Maverick! I need you!
Mercutio: So, Cthulhu's the Overfiend now?
Maverick: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
He tars off his jockstrap.
Hikaru: AHHH!!!! I'M BLIND!!!! I'M BLIND!!!!!!!
Cthulhu: COME TO POPPA!
Maverick: ULTIMATE FATLITY ETCHNIQUE!
Mercutio: Three miles away, a duck exploded.
Seni looked scared and sad as Maverick grew brighter.
Asuka is awed. She doesn't know hat's going on. Neither do most of the
writers at this point.
Asuka: What IS that thing. He's glowing. And getting... straighter.
Mercutio: And yet ANOTHER thing we don't need to see.....
Seni: Rick and him learned it at the technique master school. It uses your
own life-force to power the blast.
Asuka: Life-force?
Seni nods.
Asuka: But he's DEAD!
Maya(Asuka): "So? This story hasn't depended on logic before, why should it
start now?"
Maverick then became engulfed in a ball of ki that looked like a sunrise.
Three EVAS and Cthulhu were engulfed with him. As the blast grew to it�s
full potential.
Asuka: How can he have life energy if he's dead?
But then they see bow because bits of energy flow out of them towards the
bacll.
Hikaru: Bacll?
Seni: That's not life energy!
Charred Asuka zombie: That's LUST energy!
Chtuhlu: OOOOOOOOOOOOOH! ECTOPLASMIC ORGY!
Random EVA: MUUUUUU!
Maya: Muu? Where the HELL did that come from?
Mav: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Yog Sothoth: I ant in on it, too!
Mercutio: May Rei have mercy on us all........
But then it was too much because not even Suermav could take that amount
of pleasure. Cthulhu, the EVAS and Maverick started to disintegrate into
nothing. The blast then collapsed revealing a barren hill devoid of life,
in the center was Maverick�s sword sticking out of Maverick's corpse still
intact.
Hikaru: Wait.... he had a sword?
Sine: No! No! No!
Skeride: YES! YES! YES! They're better when they'red dead. Thank goodness
all the good parts are still working!
Sine: BUt he's DED! DEAD! DEAD!
Byrnt to bits Asuka corpse zombie: I'm first! I'm first!
END
Mercutio: Well. That. Was. Interesting.
Maya: That's ONE adjective, I suppose.
Hikaru: <shudders> If you'll excuse me, I have to go give my eyeballs a
good scrubbing.
Maya: Yes, good idea. I'll come too; I feel all dirty, and not in the good
way.
Mercutio: Three miles away, a duck exploded.
-End LST1/2K-