What, so soon? I hope you're on a roll!
All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.
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Pastpresent
by Susan Doenime
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Pastpresent 4 - Heirlooms
He shrugged again. "It was just an old hunk of metal
anyway. Didn't mean anything."
{NICE scene. Very clear character sketches. I'm particularly
intrigued by the beginnings (?) of the anti-materialist streak in
Genma that will lead him to be a penniless petty thief. One
of his remaining virtues in the manga, it struck me, was that
he clearly had the skill to be a much more successful thief, but
somehow only stole as much as he absolutely needed to.}
Nodoka has seen the Kasigi tsuba, steel with jade inlay. It was
Nodoka had seen
a masterpiece. It even had Goto Ichijo's unmistakable signature
mark on it; invaluable for those who appreciated such things.
The pawn shop probably had no idea what they had gotten;
the price the Kasigi's had received for it was undoubtably far
Kasigis {and} undoubtedly
below the actual value of it. It would probably either be bought
by some ignorant type who didn't even know what it was, or by
some rich collector who'd toss it in with a dozen others, or...
Nodoka's eyes widened. Then she smiled.
Or by Genma's future wife.
{The tiny spark that spawns a whole chapter of hijinks...}
She would go in, pluck down the money, buy the thing, and
plunk down {? It might be an idiom I'm unfamiliar with...}
then give it to Genma as a present.
Wincing, she went inside, throwing on her jacket. She did
know one way to find out, but it was going to ruin her day.
{Absolutely it will. An Author is in control, after all. :) }
"Oh? Good, good... yes, money for the guns, for the guns
and planes and tanks to kill the gaijins with..." Mrs Kasigi
{Isn't the plural of "gaijin" "gaijin"? Not sure...}
Enough of that, she told herself. How on earth was she
going to get 25,000 yen? She had maybe 1000 at hand...
Ask her grandfather? He'd probably give her it, but... she
{suggest} give it to her
She could take out a loan... but she couldn't think of a
single bank that would give money to an 18-year-old without
the parents' endorsement. And the interest would be
horrendous.
{I'm finding touches like this essential. I realize it's a failure
of my own imagination, but I'm having trouble keeping it in mind
that Nodoka, Genma, and Soun are teenagers; I keep visualizing them
as they are in the manga. Phrases like "18-year-old" yank me back
to your version of reality, so if it's not too much trouble, I would
ask that you insert as many of them as you comfortably can, please.}
Nodoka smiled pleasantly, mentally cringing a bit. If Soun
learned that he was financing a present for Genma, he'd
undoubtably refuse. At the same time, she couldn't bring
undoubtedly {? I went to the big dictionary this time; it had
"undoubtable" but not "undoubtably"... perhaps your dictionary
differs from mine?}
herself to lie to someone who was about to do her a big favor...
{Nasty moral conundrum. Applause.}
"Please?" she said, batting her eyes slightly. "I would
"It would
mean so much to..."
Nodoka glanced about as he left, fairly impressed despite
herself. The Tendo residence was huge; more of a mansion than
a house. She got the impression that the family fortune might
either decline or rise under Soun's management. On the bright
side, he was a fairly spartan sort of fellow, caring little for
worldly goods that couldn't be eaten. On the other hand, that
very same disdain made him about as financially acute as a
rock. The cunning, market oriented genes that had caused the
Tendo family to rise in power had obviously skipped Soun's
generation.
{I wonder what happened... I guess it declined.}
He was also perhaps a bit too generous for his own good.
Soun was a nice guy, but a nice guy with one hell of an
overemotional streak.
{heh.}
After a few minutes, he returned, a carefully wrapped
carefully-wrapped
packet of money in one hand. "Here you go, Nodoka-san. 25,000."
Nodoka nodded weakly.
{Criminy. She skimmed so close to a lie that the paint rubbed off.}
No doubt it was, as the shop owner had told her, already
in the hands of some fence. Who would doubtlessly sell it, but
{I think just "doubtless" works here.}
who would also undoubtably not put out a 'HEY! BUY YOUR
undoubtedly {I'm feeling less confident with each iteration, but
I prevail in the name of consistency. :) }
STOLEN KASIGI FAMILY TSUBA HERE!' ad out in the newspaper.
{Hey, you never know... :) }
"No," she said aloud. "That's a terrible idea, Nodoka, and
one that you want nothing to do with."
{By the time you start saying things like that to yourself, it's
already too late. :) }
"Oh, hello Saotome-san!"
hello,
perfectly natural for Kiri. For Misuto, it was all Nodoka could
do not to burst out laughing. Maybe she wasn't as much of a
threat as Nodoka had feared.
{No, she's more. Heheh.}
"It's a card game," Nodoka told her. "You bet money on it."
Which pretty much explained what Kiri was going there. Nodoka
{suggest} what Kiri was doing there {or} why Kiri was going there
She frowned, trying to decide what to do next. Kiri would
probably arrive home in the morning and sleep until afternoon,
which mean that Nodoka wouldn't be able to continue her hunt
which meant that
until evening tomorrow - which left an entire day for the tsuba
to get further and further away.
{Whimsical image of a tsuba getting up on little legs and
scuttling away...}
"Happy to help, Nodoka-san." Another puff of smoke, this
one shaped like a dragon, drifted upwards to circle around the
light. Nodoka watched in fascination as it devoured the
previous smoke rings, growing in size and settling down to a
slow orbit of the bulb. "Oh, and if you see Kasigi-sama, tell
him I said hello."
"I will," Nodoka lied. Shooting another glance at the
dragon - which almost looked as though it was licking its lips
- she left.
{I like this scene a lot. It just works. Between the cleanly
sketched detail, the hidden tension between Nodoka and Misuto,
the hole in the roof, and the smoke, it played out on the screen
in my head perfectly.}
As it was, one poor idiot did try to mug her, walking out
of the shadows and showing her that he had a knife. Nodoka
proceeded to demonstrate that she had an unsharpened metal
sword, and two Dan rankings that said she could use it. She
took the man's wallet as punishment for accosting her, and left
his unconscious body under a burned-out trolley.
{"That's not a knife. THIS is a knife." :) Say, have you ever
seen "Toyama no Kinsan"? Comedy-drama featuring a magistrate who
goes around in disguise to infiltrate crooks, then beats them up
with a sword turned backwards and/or a silk ribbon? I think it's
the show playing on the TV in the Nekohanten in the "Smiling 3-year
Revenge story in v34...}
The bay was dominated by a seaplane, one that appeared
to be almost well maintained. The propeller engines were both
spinning, the blades missing - instead, belts were attached to
{"propeller engines"? Not incorrect, but odd terminology; suggest}
The engines were both spinning, the propeller blades missing -
All the same, a quick circuit of the hanger determined
hangar
"Should I bring him down to talk to you? He hasn't had to
chain me to the bed in a week, so he's probably in a good
mood..."
{My, what an imagination she has. I foresee interesting times for
Genma. :) }
The bright lights of the hanger quickly faded, and rusting
hangar
"We did," the young man in the fedora said, gesturing to a
crumpled form in the far corner. "Yukio tried to cheat. Sure,
join in, Miss...?"
"Nezumi Nodoka," she told him, sitting down.
{"Nezumi"?! Hah! The Mouse that Roared!}
collection of royals beats yours. I think I've found my funding
for the Rabaul Expedition." He started the rake in the pot, then
started to rake
"I'd guessed," Nodoka said hurriedly. "Look, if you'll just
tell me who robbed the Nogami Pawn Co. last night, I'll give
you the money back tomorrow. And tell you who upstairs is
calling you Subeta Kiri."
"Damnit, I thought I'd put a stop to that," Kiri snarled.
"Thanks, but I could use the money now."
"What's the rush?"
{Something funny here: who said "What's the rush?" From context,
it's Kiri, but if so, you may have an extra paragraph break,
or a missing line from Nodoka, or perhaps something's out of order...}
Nodoka shook her sleeve. Ten playing cards fell out. "I
want to get out of here before they realize what I did to the
deck."
Kiri gaped at her. "You were CHEATING? YOU?"
"Grandfather taught me how. You get a lot of dexterity
being a martial artist," Nodoka explained impatiently. "The
information?"
{heh. Too bad Akane missed that instruction. :) }
Nodoka gave a sigh of relief, and then noticed to her
irritation that the person she was using for cover was starting
to work a hand under her shirt.
Two punches later, she stumbled out of the cockpit,
straightened her clothing, and left the hangar by the exit
opposite the one Kiri and company had taken.
{This scene, as well as the poker scene and the bar scene, are
wonderfully reminiscent of comedy movies and sitcoms of the
period. Applause.}
Cautiously making her way off the Hagetaka, she glumly
began to make her way northward. Now she just had to find
this Rogato, buy back the tsuba, and get the hell out of Ant
Town.
{"just"? A less optimistic, or more realistic, person would
have given up by now. Nodoka's optimistic AND stubborn. Gee,
I wonder where Ranma got it? :) }
Nodoka eyed then nervously, trying not to show it. "I'm
them
hear to see Rogato."
here
"I really don't like it when people cheat at cards," Inji
said calmly. "I suspect Kiritsubo might have been trying to
suspected {?}
cover for you, so I slipped away from her and Bono at the first
opportunity."
"Sorry," Nodoka replied. "I needed the information from
Kiri. If you'd like your money back, I can..."
He smiled thinly. "It's not the money, Miss Nodoka. It's
the principle of the thing." His hand vanished inside the leather
jacket for a split second, emerging with a long, glittering
object. "This is a Huzipochian tine fork. They used them to
skewer and cook meat with. It's a very nice piece, 7th century,
with nice silver inlay and a bit of quartz in the hilt." He began
to stroll forward, the long, twin-bladed stilleto weaving in
stiletto
and out of his hand.
{um... in and out of his hand? Doesn't that hurt? For some reason,
this phrase does not produce a plausible image... probably my fault.}
A shadow loomed behind Inji, and her eyes widened.
{Nice period-piece gag here, too.}
Clucking, the old woman shook her head. "They're here for
him, aren't they. Happosai."
{Aaa! She said his name! The Evil Wakes!}
I hadn't met Kuonji Inji, at that point in time. I
would, soon enough.
{Uh oh.}
If you wish to see the tsuba... well, you probably
have already. Your mother has it.
{Hmm. I'll have to see if there's a good picture.}
Poor Nodoka. I have not, as I said, repaid her very
well for her love.
{At least he knows that.}
In between the funny bits, I found this a very touching story. The
characters and scenes flow with a sort of inevitability, as water
flows downhill. It's a pleasure to read, and I hope to read more
of it soon.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Network Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/ updated 1998Jun04
CSUS hired me to build their network, not to speak for the university.