//God, I HATE being stared at.\\ Ranma thought as he lay there
soaking in the hot water. People constantly stared at him on the way home.
He couldn't blame them, really. He probably looked as bad as he smelled. He
made a quick mental note to never jump in the back of a garbage truck again.
When he arrived, he encountered no one, and according to the clock, he had
been gone only an hour. That meant he had plenty of time to search Ryoga's
pack. 

        He had initially rescued the pack out of some sentimental reason.
Probably the thought that this was an integral part of Ryoga's life, and he
couldn't allow it to be thrown away. As he walked home with it, however, it
occurred to him that maybe he could find answers in there. After all, the
damned thing went EVERYWHERE with him (and it weighed a ton, too), so there
had to be some kind of clue as to why Ryoga killed himself inside.  Feeling
reasonably clean at last (he wouldn't feel totally clean until he'd had
seven or eight more baths), he rose from the hot water and toweled off.

        Moments later, Ranma sat on the floor of his and Akane's room (he
had finally gotten used to thinking of it that way) with Ryoga's pack lying
in front of him. He hesitated in reaching for the flap. This was a piece of
Ryoga's life. A BIG piece at that. Who knew what he'd find? Did he even want
to look? 

        //Why am I hesitating?\\ Ranma gathered his courage and opened the flap.

        Ranma didn't see anything interesting at first. A shirt, pants,
about 74 bandannas, and a pair of underwear. Ranma removed the articles of
clothing (the last with a handy pencil) in search of something he could use.
He pulled out a slip of paper, folded twice over. After he unfolded it,
Ranma saw it was the paper voucher for a free trip to China, the prize of
the Anything-Goes Martial Arts Obstacle Course Race.

        Next, he found a half-picture bearing the face of Akari Unryuu.
Ranma remembered tossing the two halves of this picture off the side of a
cliff. Ryoga had saved this one, which was an encouraging sign. He had
worked his ass off to set those two up. She knew about his curse, and
accepted him for it. Besides, she REALLY loved pigs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
        "What are we going to tell her, Ranma?"

        "I don't know, Akane. She has to know, but I don't know how to break
it to her. Jeez, I'm no good at this stuff."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        He put the picture aside on the floor, and returned to his
inspection of the bag. He found a letter from Akari in there. It was written
in her impeccably neat handwriting, with a cute little P-chan drawn in a
heart in the bottom corner. He put the letter aside, partly because it was
an invasion of Akari's privacy, and partly because he was sure it wouldn't
give him any insights. Also, he really didn't want to read a sappy love letter.

        He found another small stack of photos, a stray bandanna, and a
condom. Ranma wondered just what in hell a shy guy like RYOGA was doing with
a CONDOM...unless...maybe...

        //Naaahhhh... Probably didn't even know it was in there.\\ Ranma
decided not to persue the matter any further than that. 

        Beneath a few mangas, he found a thick, unlabled black book.
Wondering just what he'd stumbled upon, he opened the book, and his eyes
encountered margin-to-margin hirigana. The penmanship was so neat, he almost
didn't think of it as Ryoga's. A few minutes of reading confirmed that it
was, indeed, Ryoga Hibiki's handwriting (The words "Damn you Ranma!" were a
dead giveaway). A moment's more of reading told him that it was Ryoga's journal.

        //Well, well, well. Ain't this my lucky day.\\ Uncomfortable as it
was, he began reading in depth.

He read the first entry:

        ||He ran out on the fight. Damn him, the coward ran out! This only
proves further what I've known all along...Ranma Saotome is an honorless
coward.||

        //Hey!\\ thought Ranma. //I waited three days for you, ya jerk!\\
Ranma read on a few pages:

        ||I'm starting to wonder if this was such a good idea. Really, just
what are my chances of finding him here? I can hardly find my ass with two
hands, a map, and a search party, so just how am I going to find Ranma in
China? Given my sense of direction, the chances of me even finding Japan
again are slim to none. And I followed him over what? Bread? Sitting out
here in the wilds of China, huddled against the cold, I realize that I
should have let it drop. While Ranma may have no honor, a Bread Feud and
skipping out on a duel aren't good grounds for a globe-trotting manhunt.||

        Ranma read on, and came to a passage in particular that disturbed
him. On reading it,  he knew immediately when he had written it.

        ||Damn Ranma's honorless hide! To think that I was about to let this
whole thing drop! It wasn't enough to make a fool of me every day, to take
my dignity, but he also took my manhood! The feeling of changing was the
most horrible torment I have ever suffered at his hands! Thanks to him, I am
now cursed to become a pig whenever I get splashed with cold water! Now I
have something to pay him back for, and pay him back I will...
        
        In spades.||

        Ranma stopped reading for a moment  and squeezed his eyes shut
against the pain and guilt. Ryoga may have followed him to China and in turn
Jusenkyou, but Ranma was the one who knocked him into the Spring of Drowned
Pig. No matter how he looked at it, he shouldered at least half the blame
for that. Though he would never admit it to anyone, he felt terribly guilty
about Ryoga's curse, which is part of the reason why he kept it from Akane.
Many of the entries after Jusenkyou were just rants against Ranma. 

        ||It happened again today. A random splash of cold water hit me,
turning me into that God-forsaken pig body. Nobody knows what it's like...to
be afraid of the rain, puddles, hell cold water in general. Also, nobody
knows what it's like to become a walking meal. Finding hot water in that
form is a tall order, moreso with my sense of direction. Anyway, back to the
subject. I was wandering around some city or another as a pig, when I felt
myself snatched off the ground. I struggled as best I could, but in my
current form, that wasn't very good. I don't know where I was, all I could
see were a kitchen and several Chinese chefs. I knew then just what was in
store. Everything after that is blurry, and I'm still not sure how I
escaped, but I'll always remember the terror of being practically helpless
as some fat chef prepares to make me his next meal. 
        
        This isn't the first time that's ever happened to me. More like the
sixth time. Each time is more terrifying that the last. My worst fear has
become to die as a pig. I could be hit by a car, killed by a wild animal, or
eaten by another person. The last is the most horrible, I can't even stand
to think about it. 

        At least I don't lose my pack. For some reason, I'm always able to
find it no matter what. I still don't know how...||

        It took all of Ranma's strength to keep from crying at this. He
remembered when his pop had mistaken Ryoga for a walking snack, but he had
no idea that it had happened again. Ranma was beginning to realize that
maybe there was more to Ryoga than just the hothead he had known for so long.

        ||Ranma is the only thing that keeps me going. My need to exact my
revenge is all that matters. The only way I'll find peace is to kill him for
what he's done to me. Directions be damned, I'll find him! I finally found a
way back to Japan. Within days, this will all be over...||

        The next entry that caught Ranma's eye was of the more introspective
sort...

        ||It's hard, chasing after Saotome all the time. My sense of
direction keeps getting in the way. Not once have I caught up with him since
Jusenkyou, and I'm getting tired. Tired of chasing that honorless bastard,
tired of being cursed, and tired of being lost all the time. Most of all,
though, I'm tired of being alone. 

        All my life, people have used my sense of direction to ostracize me.
The teasing stopped soon after they learned just how strong us Hibikis are,
but the mean looks and cold silences never did. I've never had a date in my
whole life because I couldn't find my way anywhere, I haven't seen my
parents in almost a year, and I can only stand foraging for food for so long
at a time. 

        It does get terribly lonely out here. Just me, nature, my thoughts,
the gods, and me. Absolutely no one to talk to. Hell, that's my lot in life.
Nobody can love me, some guy without a sense of direction. What kind of life
could I give her, huh? I haven't been to school in nearly a year. I'll
probably never graduate because I can't even find the school on any two
consecutive days a week. Even if I could find a job, I wouldn't keep it
long. Part of earning a living is showing up for work every day, and I
couldn't do it. 

        Even if I won't ever find love, I can at least find justice when I
finally catch up to Ranma Saotome...||

        Ranma checked the date on this entry. It was just days before they
finally met.

        ||Finally! I finally caught up with that sonofabitch, Saotome!
Things are finally looking up! Tonight, I'll have him for sure! The only
downside is that he didn't recognize me.||

        //I gotta admit, you surprised the hell outta me that night,
P-chan,\\ thought Ranma as he remembered the first time he saw Ryoga's curse
take effect.

        ||Last night didn't work out quite as I'd planned, but turned out
better than I'd hoped. I met someone. During the fight with Ranma, I got
changed into a pig. At that point, I knew the fight was his. Then a girl
came out of the house, bashed him on the head, and picked me up. She told me
I was cute! She kissed me! Oh happy day!! I even spent the night in her
room! She gave me the name P-chan! This is the first time anyone has shown
me real affection.

        I found out, much to my dismay, that she's engaged to Saotome. I
feel sorry for this Akane. She deserves much better than him.||

         Ranma spent the better part of an hour reading through Ryoga's love
for Akane, hatred of him, and of how her face kept him going on his long
journeys. One entry in particular there threatened to shatter his control:

        ||Damn him! He had to ruin my best chance at happiness to date!
Checkers had puppies, and I managed to get Akane to come over to my house to
see them. Oh, how happy I was when she showed up. Everything would have been
perfect if not for my wretched sense of direction, and that bastard Ranma. 

        Oh, what he did. He knew I hardly ever saw my family, and used that
to his advantage to ruin my date with Akane. In my parlor marched a small
girl with twin pigtails, and she immediately glomped me, calling me "Big
Brother!" And, stupid me, I fell for it!

        When "Yoiko," Akane, and I went for a walk, I was sorely heartbroken
when she disappeared. I was convinced she was my sister, and I actually
cried for that bastard!

        To make a long story short, Ranma ruined my date with Akane. I never
knew just how sadistic he could be. I once thought that maybe Ranma steps on
the emotions of others because he didn't realized he was doing it. Now I
know better. He actively seeks to make Akane miserable, and he goes far out
of his way to do the same to me. I will make him pay for this.||

        Ranma was shocked at this revelation. He knew that Ryoga was royally
pissed off after the whole "Yoiko" incident, but he had no clue that Ryoga
felt much more besides that. He didn't know that Ryoga considered him a
sadistic bastard hell-bent on ruining his life.

He read about Ryoga's victories...

        ||At last! Finally, a way to rid myself of this curse! I won that
damned Martial Arts Obstacle Course Race, and the prize was a free trip to
China! All I have to do now is find the airport!

        I  can now be a whole man, and I can finally let Akane know how I
feel about her. No more P-chan, and no more Ranma. My worst fear can at last
be put to rest. I'll no longer worry about dying as a pathetic little
piglet. I'll no longer fear being served up on a plate.||

        Ranma also came across an entry dated just after their trip to
Nekonlon, China:

        ||I must admit, I do have a certain respect for Ranma as a martial
artist. He may not be much of a human being, much less a real man, but where
the Art is concerned, he is one of the best I have ever seen. I was truly
impressed with how he overcame Kirin and the other Lucky Gods Martial
Artists. He is a skilled warrior, at least.\\

        This was practically the only incidence of praise Ranma found in the
journal.

        //You were pretty good yourself.\\ Ryoga was the only other martial
artist in Nerima, save Cologne and Happosai, who could give him a good fight.

        All the entries concerning Akane made Ranma jealous. He really
didn't like for someone to talk about his wife that way. 

        //Where the hell is Akari?\\ After another thirty minutes, he
finally found her.

        ||Akari...she's a nice girl, she really is, but she deserves someone
other than me. Besides, my heart belongs to Akane, now and forever. 

        I wonder if she truly loves me, though. Is it because I defeated
Katsunishiki? Is it because of my curse? Or maybe...

        No. I love Akane, and no other. While Akari did accept my curse (she
really does love pigs), she deserves better.

        I do, however, wonder why I didn't save Akane's picture. Also, why
do I keep the half with Akari's face? Why do I keep the letters she wrote me?

        Is it possible that I feel more strongly about Akari than I first
thought?||

        //I wish, Ryoga. I wish.\\ thought Ranma when he remembered how
Ryoga kept trying to steal Akane away from him. Ranma noticed that he was
coming close to the end of the book, and he was still no closer to an
answer. //C'mon, you damn pig. Whyd'ja do it? Why didn't you go to Akari?\\
For twenty pages, nothing was revealed. Then came an interesting insight:

        ||I tried to love Akari, I really did. I did all I could to fall in
love with her...
        
        I don't know what it is. She's the sweetest girl I have ever laid
eyes upon. She accepted my curse with no problems (she even thinks it's
cute). She loves me with every fiber of her being, so why the hell can't I
return it?

        Who am I kidding? I know why I can't love Akari. She's not Akane.
Whenever I'm with Akari..on a date...tending her pigs...I think of Akane.
What sealed it was that time in her room. I felt as though I was betraying
Akane.

        I told Akari this, and she understood. She said she would wait for
me forever. I tried to tell her to find someone else, but deep down, I know
she won't. I hated to hurt her, but I couldn't lead her on any longer.
Especially now that she's considering a more long-term relationship. She
even mentioned children!||

        //So THAT'S what the rubber was for...\\ There were more entries
that chronicled some of his travels, but one caught his eye, and chilled him
to the very core of his being:

        ||It's finally happened. I've finally failed. All my victories are
nothing next to this failure. 

        Ranma and Akane are now wed.

        It would be easier if she had been forced. At least that way, I
could do something. Today, though, today I found I could do nothing. She
admitted her love for Ranma right in front of me. Not as P-chan, but as
myself, Ryoga Hibiki. Nor was she coerced. Ranma said it, as did she shortly
after. Try as I might, I could not find the slightest hint that she had been
forced.

        He won.

        The bastard had taken everything from me...My dignity with the bread
feud and many times since, my humanity at Jusenkyou, and now my only love.
Damn him. Damn him to the lowest shit-packed pits of hell! What's worse, he
wasn't satisfied with showing off that he'd won, he had to rub it in! He
even had the gall to say he wants to make peace! That he doesn't want bad
blood between us any more.

        Ranma, however, is not entirely at fault. Most of it is mine. It was
my sense of direction, among other failings, that kept Akane and I apart. I
was unable to tell her how I felt because I was hardly ever there as a
human. When I was there as a human, I could never bring myself to tell her.
Now it's too late...

        Enough. I am a man, moreso than him, and I will carry on. Despite
the fact that Ranma said he would not expose me as P-chan, I feel it would
be best if I never go back to the dojo, especially in that cursed body. He
may not have done it before, but now, he just may reconsider. Given his
father's track record with the truth, I find it quite likely. I guess I
should resign myself to a lonely life.||

        Ranma turned the page.

        //What the hell?\\ The next page was blank, as was the next and the
next. All the pages after that entry were blank. Ranma stared at the blank
pages in shock. Where the hell were the answers he was looking for? What was
all THIS shit? Frustrated, Ranma threw the Journal across the room, where it
bounced off the wall and came to rest on the floor. Ranma quickly stood up,
his legs protesting vehemently after remaining in the same position for so
long. Ranma looked in the large mirror above Akane's vanity and was shocked
to see his eyes red and puffy, tear tracks down his cheeks.  //Guys don't
cry, damnit!\\ he scolded himself. He looked out the window, into the late
afternoon sun. The digital clock on the nightstand read 3:45 p.m. Akane
would have been on the train home for about fifteen minutes. That mean Ranma
had at least another hour and a half. //Just enough time.\\

        Ranma hated to lose, and this was no exception. He had just one more
chance to find answers.

============================================================================
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