WoLF  : A Ryouga fic?
Andrew: I liked it. Although it's only part 1, I can see quite a bit of
        room for expansion here. After 20 years, Ryouga reappears on the
        scene... but is actually 2 years younger than before he amscrayed.
WoLF  : Really? Sounds interesting. Shall we C&C?
Andrew: We shall.

               Ryoga's Tale: Lost Time

       In his mind there were two dialogues going on at the same time,
overlapping each other at different paces.  One had a soft, hazy tone
like a warm feeling or thought, while the other was a steady, precise
voice that talked at a completely even pace.

This paragraph seems to wander. Let's tighten it up a bit, like this:

       In his mind, there were two separate dialogues occurring at the same
time, overlapping each other at a different pace. One of them had a soft a
hazy tone like a warm feeling or sensation, while they other was steady and
precise, droning on at a completely even pace.

    While even tone voice overlapped saying,   "...point forty seven.

No need to say overlapped again. It was made fairly clear just above.

Approximately five foot eleven and one hundred eighty five point three
pounds in standard measurements."

Just to know, after twenty years, haven't they wised up and gone metric?
Besides, point three is metric based. Using sixteenths would be more
appropriate if they aren't using metric.

    "He is the eighth prototype and the only one to make it to stage
six."
    "And do you, Akane Tendo, take Ranma Saotome to have and to hold in
sickness and in health..." the authoritative voice began.
    "...currently capable of delivering 500 kilograms of force per
square inch.  In other words, a punch by him would put a hole in foot
thick titanium ... to say the least..."
    "...till death do you part?"
    "...while his body can withstand pressure up to three tons.  That's
more than a cannonball could deliver."
    "I do."  A soft female voice responded.
    "All in all, he's nearly a perfect physical specimen..."
    "If there is no objections, by the power invested in me, I now
pronounce you husband and wife..." the authoritative voice said.
    "NNNOOOOO!!!!"  A loud yell erupts from the figure on the bed.
Although his hands and feet are completely restrained by the bed,  all
of the people watching him move back several  feet.

I like this entire scene. The intermixing of both trains of thought is well
done. I have no doubt about which voice is being used. The emotional
intensity builds well. You can almost feel where this is going.

    In a moment, everyone becomes very glad they did that as an intense
light pours from his hands and destroys the restraints.  Even with the
special glass in front of them, they seemed about to panic.  The steady

You'll notice here a classical case of changing verb tenses. As most
veteran authors/C&Cers will tell you, changing tenses mid-stream is
distracting.

The typical rule (as I understand it) is:
Use present form for first person POV narrations.
Use past form for non first person.

In the above snippet, present tense is used in one sentence, then past in
the next. 

If you want to use present tense, make sure to use it throughout the story.

the visitors.  Of course, the professor that led them well knew that the
glass was the normal type, nothing more than an oversized window pane,
really.

Although amusing, this doesn't make much sense... unless they are
absolutely sure that there will be no danger.

Although they couldn't expect it, a full shishi hokoudan in that little
room would be disastrous for anyone in the blast radius. Can you say shrapnel?
I bet you wish you could?

    On the bed, the young man pushed up on his elbows and slid himself
into a sitting position.  He didn't seem to be at all surprised that the
man knew he was awake.  Of course, he shouldn't, since he's done this
four times already.  He took a few moments to tie a bandana under his
dark brown hair before responding.  "Yes, with any hope this will be my
last performance before going back to my home."

Hmmm... why the show? Doesn't this qualify as munging the numbers?

    "...and go to Nerima, I know."  The older man finished for him.  He
shook the sparse gray hair on his head.  "I really think you're making a
mistake.  That part of your life is over, there's nothing there for you
anymore."

Effectively true... but wanting to rebuild somewhere familiar is logical.
But the scientist knows that Ryouga wants to go to Nerima, wouldn't Ryouga
(and the scientist) be referring to it as "home" now.

By using an advance type of cryogenic treatment, they were able to keep
him unconscious and unaging for two decades while performed their

                                                 they

various treatments on him.  It was only a week ago that they finally

    The young man gave a reticent smile, "Heh, there's little chance of
me staying here as some kind of guinea pig.  I'm sure you'll do fine,
you're a good scientist.  I have to find out what happened to all of my

This sounds very strange coming from Ryouga. Such a patronizing tone
doesn't suit him.

a heart attack.  Not only are you back after twenty years, but you
actually look younger than when you left.  Not only has your body been

                                 they last saw you.

left implies that he took off on purpose, which both of them know is not
the case.

altered to be younger, about 16 years old, but it's been enhanced to be
stronger and faster than before ... which was beyond anything we've seen
as it was.  Add that to you're twenty years of cryo-infused learning and
they'll be faced with a completely new man."

WoLF   : Hmmm... a new man that Ranma will have absolutely no chance of 
         defeating. So the question is, who is Ryouga going to fight that 
         he needs THIS much power?
Andrew : I'm looking forward to seeing that answer to this.
         On a down side, none of the other heros will be able to take much of
         a part in the story. They'd be torn to shreds.

mental changes that were complicated.  Somehow, the doctors programmed
his mind with the information they thought could be necessary for the
perfect soldier.  Of course, the way they said it, the information would
only become available as needed.

WoLF  : I am looking forward to seeing this manifest... and what it is 
        exactly.

    "I hope so.  I hate to think that one of the side affects is
personality changes.  Most people wouldn't want to change that way."

Strange: You'd think that the scientist was for the dead-calm killer with
no regrets and no hesitations.

Of course, maybe this is the battle programming so that he can lead a
(somewhat) normal life when not in the field.

WoLF   : I just had a horrible thought. What if Gosunkugi received the 
         treatment?
Andrew : Ew... he'd stay ultra wimp, but in trouble, the combat program 
         would take over and he'd kick butt. That's gross.

    "Um, excuse me?"  His head turned back to view the shapely
attendant.  A few years ago, the sight of such a short dress would have
made him pass out, but somehow living in America made him a bit more
comfortable.

WoLF: I don't agree with this statement. So far, all hints have implied
      that he has only recently come out of cryogenic stasis. And the 
      little time he's been awake, has been in a sequestered environment.
      Unless he's received another form of control program (or the other 
      programming has helped him), this makes little sense.

Andrew: Hmmm... I didn't see that the first time around.

    He knew she did it on purpose, but for some reason he couldn't be
mad.  "This must be how Moose feels," he whispered under his breath.  He

Andrew: Why did Ryouga say this? Do women play with him for his attention?

poked with his ineffective fork at the cardboard meal for a few minutes,
and then decided just to eat it.  After all, he could eat Akane's
cooking so he could handle anything.

Andrew: Twenty year later and he still remembers her cooking. I suppose 
        he's been scarred for life.

    This was his first time on an airplane.  The scientist managed to
book him a seat on a plane that would land near Nerima.  They were even
nice enough to get him one that was fairly close to the bathroom.  Since
they were a multi-billion dollar organization, they must not have spared
any expense to get him the aisle seat in the back section of the plane.
For a moment, he felt sorry for the people who couldn't afford as much
and had to sit towards the front.  They'd be the first one to die in a
crash.

WoLF  : My goodness... is Ryouga naive or what. 
Andrew: <snickers> You said it.

    It seemed to be only moments until the plane landed.  Then again,
anything would seem short when you're use to taking days to find home.
Still, the travel time was short even for what he knew.  When he
disappeared, plane trips across the world took more than eight hours.
This one was a little over an hour.  Things had changed in the world.

Andrew: First time I read this, I was sure that the scientists had tricked 
        him and not sent him home. Of course, cheating Ryouga... especially 
        now would be quite dangerous.

Standing there in a dark coat and tie was a man holding a sign.  It had
been so long since he read Japanese, he didn't recognize his own name.

WoLF  : This makes sense.

    The man nodded vigorously.  He was a young man, about fifteen, with
dark hair and blue eyes.  For some reason, he looked a bit timid.  "Hi,
I'm Kousen.  I was hired to take you to anyplace you wanna go.  I've
lived in Nerima all of my life, so I know the way."

Andrew: <mimicking Ryouga's voice> I'm Ryouga, I've lived here all my life,
        I still have no idea how to get anywhere.

had remained the same.  While technology had increased pretty quickly in
most of the world, Nerima still kept pretty much the same level of
technology it did before.  There was some advancement in the city

WoLF  : You use the word technology twice in this sentence. Try a synonym... 
        or simply talk around the word. The repetition is distracting.

I would write it like this:
While technology had increased pretty quickly throughout most of the world,
Nerima seemed to have stayed at the same level that he remembered it.

    If he had known, he would have kept his mouth shut.  Ryoga's eyes
went wide for a moment, and they he screamed out loud enough for
everybody to hear.  "I AM NOT GETTING OFF THIS BUS UNTIL YOU GET ME AN
UMBRELLA!  AND I CAME TOO FAR FOR ANY BUS TO LEAVE NERIMA WITH ME ON
IT!  SO THIS BUS ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?"

Andrew: Hmmm... looks like the curse is still intact. I'm surprised that 
        it wasn't discovered by the scientists. Guess no one made any 
        mistakes with water in his presence.

WoLF  : Either that or they do know... and are following him surreptitiously
        to learn more about it. Of course, the scientist seemed honest 
        enough to simply ask.

    Calm now, Ryoga opened up the umbrella as he stepped off the bus.
"Thank you.  I really can't get ... these clothes wet.  They aren't
mine."  Kousen just nodded as they walked on.

Andrew: Oh come one Ryouga. You can do a little better than that.

    "Well, there is the Jade Moon if you want chinese food.  And
Kounji's Okonomiyaki is good too!  Which one would you like?"
    Ryoga was disappointed that neither place was familiar, but he was
still hungry.  Taking a small coin from his pocket, he decided to let
chance decide.  With a small flip, fate decided he'd dine on
Okonomiyaki.  "Kounji's sound's fine.  Actually, okonomiyaki reminds me
of somebody I know."

WoLF  : This is well done. To my knowledge, Ryouga never knew Ukyou's 
        maiden name. As well, her restaurant was always called Uc-chan's.
        BUT!!! If she's married, wouldn't it be called by her husband's
        last name instead of hers?

        I admit that I'm not that familiar with Japanese conventions in
        such matters... but considering the level of male dominance in 
        Japanese society, I have to at least question it.

Andrew: Maybe she married an Ukyou fanboy that wanted her to keep the 
        name for the fame of being married to the renowned Ukyou Kuonji?
WoLF  : <Growls>
Andrew: <steps back> It was just an idea.
WoLF  : Yeah... stupid one.

There, in the corner of the restaurant, amidst a small pile of dropped
dishes, stood Ukyo.

WoLF  : I would replace the word "dropped" with "shattered." Not only is it
        more correct, it doesn't sound as silly and avoids using the word
        "drop" twice in a row.

himself as she must have.  There he stood, not a day older (in fact, he
was younger) in clothes that looked nothing like what he use to wear.

Andrew: I think that after twenty years, she wouldn't realize that he looks
        younger. You may want to split the looking younger bit to later
        in the conversation, where she'll say, "let me take a look at you."
        At this point, she can ask him if her eyes are playing tricks on her
        or does he appear to be younger than when he left.

WoLF  : Try to avoid heavy description... especially if you can get the 
        characters to bring it out as part of the story.

    He decided to try talking first.  "Hello, Ukyo.  I've been lost a
long time.  I was really hoping I'd meet one of you first ... before
letting all of you know what happened.  It really is me, Ryoga, but to
me it's only been a few months."

Andrew: Good. Ryouga should be flustered... no matter how much preparing
        he might have done on the plane. There's nothing like the real
        thing to throw you off track. This dialogue reflects that well.

back here.  I just wish I hadn't missed those twenty years."

Andrew: This doesn't sound natural. Try:
        "To bad it cost me twenty years of my life."
        Or something like that.

I'm not as angry as I use to be, and I'm a bit smarter too.  I guess I
don't even match what I know about me anymore."

WoLF  : Interesting piece of introspection. I'm curious to see just how far
        he's deviated from himself... and how much it will bother him.
Andrew: Why?
WoLF  : What if part of the conditioning was a killer instinct. Can you 
        imagine him killing... then realizing that he's done it.
        Could make for some interesting drama.
Andrew: Yeah... I see where you're going with that.

    Ukyo smiled a bit.  She seemed more comfortable talking to him
now.  "Still, it's good to have you back and alive.  I'm sure everybody
will think so too!"

Andrew: Drop the word "alive." By this point, they've been talking for an 
        hour, it is totally obvious now.

    Ryoga paused for a moment.  "So ... how is everybody?"  He didn't
want to just say it, but he was especially interested in what happened
to Akane and Akari.

Andrew: This is good.

    Ukyo actually looked down for a moment.  He must have caught her
off guard.  "Well, Ranma is alright ... he married Akane.  And, um,
Moose and Shampoo live here now.  Kuno is doing well after marrying
Nabiki.  So, I guess everybody is alright."

Andrew: <BARF>... <fills the bucket>

WoLF  : I think he's kinda grossed out that everyone got everyone else in 
        the series. Mousse and Shampoo, KUNO and NABIKI? 

Andrew: ... sorry about that. I can handle the characters being married,
        but make up some strangers or something... or just don't talk about
        it...

WoLF  : ... unless it is important to the story for these couples to be there.

Andrew: <urp> Otherwise, don't mention it. These pairings have been done 
        to death.

    He realized that she didn't miss somebody by accident.  "Akari, how
is she?"
    Ukyo paused for a while before answering.  "She, uh, she ended up
marrying Pansuo Taro and she ... died three years later."

Andrew: <Reaches for the bucket again>

    Ryoga was actually happy that things turned out alright for Ukyo.
She was one of the few people he felt close to.  "I was thinking about
seeing Ranma..."

Andrew: All things considered, I would think that he would be happy that 
        things turned out well for a lot of his friends.

    Ukyo didn't seem surprised.  "That's a good idea.  I'm pretty sure
he would want to see you."  For a minute, she looked like she wasn't
going to say anything else, but she decided to say more.  "He never got
over you disappearing.  He actually searched for two years before
deciding you were dead."

WoLF  : I believe that Ranma would do this. At first, he would think that
        Ryouga had gone lost as usual... but after a while, he would worry.
        For all of Ranma's faults... he does care about the people in his 
        life.

    She looked at him with a smile.  "Why don't you stay at my house?
I have an extra room that you can use, plus my children can help you get
settled.  You can get home cooked meals, plus you won't have to worry

WoLF: <raises an eyebrow> This is a bit abrupt. This is quite a bit of
      responsibility she's taking on. Of course, having a ghost from the 
      past show up like this would most likely get these kinds of offers.
      I can live with it.

about getting lost.  Besides, you realize that you have to go to school
now, right?"

Andrew: How is this going to work? 
WoLF  : I have no idea. I hope this doesn't turn into "another day in the 
        life of Ryouga... or something as typical "

Author's Note:
.
.
.
       Anyway, for those of you reading this, any comments are
welcome.  I realize that I left a lot of questions unanswered so if you
really want to ruin the surprises, you can ask me and I'll tell you the
answers.  Finally, if any of you want to give me any ideas you think I
should incorporate in the series, I'll definitely give them a whole
hearted shot.

Andrew: I think you have a viable story concept on your hands. It's 
        different enough not to simply be mixed in with every other fic
        that's out there.
WoLF  : But there are questions that are left unanswered.
        The most important question to me is: "Do YOU know where this 
        story is going?"

Andrew: Yeah. If you don't, the story will meander into a typical day 
        of Ryouga trying to deal with everyday problems (just like any
        other Ranma fic)
WoLF  : Except that Ryouga now has fantastically upgrade strength, speed
        and something else that even he isn't aware of. 

        This could lead to a stinky fic where Ryouga kicks everyone's butt
        on a continual basis.

Andrew: Or it could lead to Ryouga being faced with awesome and complex 
        challenges where he has to not only protect himself... but help
        his friends too... or get them to help him.

WoLF  : you can go a lot of directions with older, stronger more mature 
        characters. I hope you explore them.

See ya

  ___________
 / Here lies:\  Save the Whales -> Harpoon a Honda
|   Andrew    | 
|             | The light at the end of the tunnel may be an 
|   I think   | oncoming dragon.
| he's hungry | 
|             | What UNIVERSE is this, please?