Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic

By: Dreiser


EPISODE FIVE: Roasted Virgins.

SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where 
the shadows of Arisugawa Juri, Kaoru Miki, and Kiryuu Touga are 
seen inside of it. Miki is crouched in the corner shivering and talking to 
himself. Juri and Touga sit across from him playing cards.

TOUGA: (Looks at Juri suspiciously.) Ace of spades.
JURI: (Solemnly.) Go fish.
TOUGA: (Snorts and narrows his eyes.) So you say... I bet you have 
an Ace of spades and you're just lying.
JURI: You're getting paranoid again Touga.
TOUGA: I am?
JURI: (Nods while she studies her cards.) You are.
TOUGA: I apologize. I shall go fish. (He picks a card out of the huge 
pile sitting between them. Out of the corner of his eyes he looks at the 
shivering Miki.) Do you think we should give him some more prozac? 
He's still moving.
JURI: If we give him anymore he'll think he's a carrot.
TOUGA: Glace?
JURI: (Looks up.) What did you say?
TOUGA: Nothing of importance. Just an innocuous reference to 
another Anime character whose show cannot match our own clear 
superiority to all Anime series that exist.
JURI: Ah. (She studies her cards again.) But as I was saying Miki 
should be fine soon as he gets over his odd dependence on his 
stopwatch that he's seems to have misplaced.
TOUGA: He left it up on the roof where we normally have our 
meetings. The poor lad thought we'd be there in a few minutes and 
instead we've been here-- (He pauses and looks thoughtful.) How 
long have we been here?
JURI: (Stops studying her cards and blinks.) You know I'm really not 
sure. What I think is strangest is how we've gone on for who knows 
how long without going to the bathroom. (Muses.) In fact I'm not sure 
if I've ever gone to the bathroom. Isn't that a bit odd?
TOUGA: I wouldn't know. I've never gone to the bathroom either. I 
don't believe I've even seen one on campus.

(Juri and Touga lock their gazes as the copyrighted Twilight Zone 
music plays. They look around in mystification of where the music is 
coming from and it abruptly stops playing.)

JURI: (Laughs with false bravado.) That's silly Touga! There must be 
a bathroom somewhere on campus.
TOUGA: (Laughs also.) Yes, of course there is!

(They continue to laugh nervously for several moments until the 
elevator grows silent and they break eye contact.)

JURI: (Studying her cards.) Do you have any Jacks?
TOUGA: (Smiles triumphantly.) Go fish.
JURI: (Matches the smile.) Touche.
TOUGA: We're not French, we're Japanese.
JURI: (Erupts.) I know that!

SCENE: The basement of the Kiryuu Mansion. The walls are covered 
with various pictures of Kiryuu Touga. His diabolically evil sister, 
Kiryuu Nanami, stands in front of a huge ritual bonfire wearing a thick 
red cloak. The hood obscures her features and kneeling in front of her 
in subservience are several zombie students from Ohtori Academy 
also wearing red cloaks.

NANAMI: (Looks up.) Diabolically evil? Really now! That's hardly 
the words of an impartial author! (Shakes her head.) Oh well, time to 
get to business. (Her snotty voice somehow sounds ominous.) Bring 
the ritual bonfire sacrifice before me!

(Her three cronies: Sonoda Keiko, Wakiya Aiko, and Oose Yuuko 
walk down the crickety stairs to the basement dressed in the 
aforementioned red cloaks. They carry the bound and gagged form of 
Tenjou Utena who struggles futilely against the elastic wrap she's tied 
up with.)

NANAMI: (Laughs fiendishly.) And now Tenjou Utena you will pay 
for making my brother disappear by serving as the ritual bonfire 
sacrifice for the Cult of Touga! (She lifts up the hood to her cloak and 
steps into the light of a precariously swinging light bulb.) I'll use your 
powers as the Champion of the duels to discover the location of my 
beloved big brother!
UTENA: (Angry as she continues to struggle.) Mzhojph!!
NANAMI: So you keep saying but I'm afraid there's no escape! Not 
even your love slave Anthy can save you now!

SCENE: The East Hall dorms. Himemiya Anthy is lying on the bottom 
bunk bed completely surrounded by a mass of used kleenexes. Chu 
Chu sits on the floor eating Utena's Biology book.

ANTHY: (Stuffy voice.) Damn muh alergies! (Sneezes into yet 
another kleenex before throwing it into the pile.) I wunder where 
Utena-sama iz... she p'mised to git me sum more pills fer muh stoopid 
alergies. (She sneezes again.) 

SCENE: The basement of the Kiryuu Mansion. Kiryuu Nanami 
stands in front of the ritual bonfire and laughs madly. Her cronies and 
zombie followers sweatdrop as they observe.

KEIKO: Uhm... Miss Nanami?
NANAMI: (Stops laughing.) Yes? What is it?
KEIKO: (Squirms under Utena's weight.) Can't we sacrifice her now? 
It's getting sort of hard to keep holding her up.
YUUKO: (Pipes up.) Yeah! She's heavy!
AIKO: (Chimes in.) My arms have gone numb!
NANAMI: (Sighs.) So much for drama. (Waves dismissively towards 
the ritual bonfire.) All right. Toss her in.

(The three cronies are about to throw Utena into the ritual bonfire 
when a zombie student interrupts hesitantly.)

ZOMBIE STUDENT: Uhm... don't ritual sacrifices have to be 
virgins? Are we sure she's a virgin?
UTENA: (Grins widely.) Iolmoiusopziop!!
NANAMI: (Makes a face.) We didn't need to know that much about 
Akio and Anthy! (She sighs and leans over to pick up a the big 
instructional book of ritual sacrifices.) It says here that virgins are so 
rare these days that any natural born female will do.
ZOMBIE STUDENT: (Mulls over this.) Oh. My bad.
NANAMI: (Sets the book down.) That's all right. (Back in dramatic 
mode.) Now! Let us sacrifice her to the almighty ritual bonfire for the 
sake of big brother!

(The three cronies are about to throw Utena into the ritual bonfire 
when another zombie student interrupts.)

ZOMBIE STUDENT #2: When this is done can we use the ritual 
bonfire to roast yams?
ZOMBIE STUDENT: Yeah! That's a great idea!
ZOMBIE STUDENT #2: I'm hungry! Capturing her and wrapping 
her in elastic wrap was hard work! I think we deserve some roasted 
yams for that!
ZOMBIE STUDENT #139: (Chants.) Roasted yams!

(Soon all the zombie students are chanting roasted yams in perfect 
synchronization.)

NANAMI: (Rages.) Enough about roasted yams! If you shut up and 
be good zombies MAYBE I'll let you cook some! But only once 
we've sacrificed her to the ritual bonfire!!
ZOMBIE STUDENT #2: Sweet. We're getting roasted yams.
NANAMI: I said enough!! (The zombie students quiet down and 
Nanami sighs then looks to her cronies.) Just throw her in already. 
This is taking way too long.

(The three cronies are once again about to throw Utena into the ritual 
bonfire when suddenly she squirms out of their grip to fall on the floor 
with a loud thud.)

NANAMI: Tricky aren't you? (Walks over to Utena and kneels 
beside her.) Why are you resisting? This is all for the greater good of 
big brother! We must have him returned or we all are lost! Lost!!
YUUKO: Yeah and if Touga doesn't come back the clause in our 
contract says we all have to start worshipping Saionji. 

(Everyone in the group shudders, including Utena.)

NANAMI: I told you that name is blasphemy! It is never to be 
spoken in the house of Kiryuu Touga!
KEIKO: Does the basement count?
NANAMI: (Rages.) Of course the basement counts! (She turns back 
to Utena only to find she's gone and in her place is a pile of elastic 
wrap.) She's escaped! After her my mindless zombie followers!!

(The zombie students run up the crickety stairs in a rush but their 
weight is too much for the structure and causes the stairs to collapse. 
Nanami and her cronies observe this and sweatdrop.)

NANAMI: (Throws a spoiled fit and cries.) How could she gnaw 
through the elastic wrap again?! Why do my ritual bonfire sacrifices to 
big brother always turn out this way?! (She suddenly stops crying to 
face her cronies and pick up the elastic wrap. After a moment she lifts 
her gaze.) No wonder she escaped! This is the cheap general brand 
that goes for a thousand yen at the store! I told you to buy Saran 
Wrap you fools!
KEIKO: (Begins.) It wasn't my fault...
YUUKO: (Continues.) She wanted...
AIKO: (Finishes.) To save money!
NANAMI: (Scowls.) You're all to blame! Now go and help my 
zombie followers fix the stairs! (The three cronies nod then run 
towards the zombie students who are forming a human ladder to 
escape from the basement. Nanami doesn't notice their slow escape.) 
Curse your tomboy ways Tenjou Utena! One day I'll find an elastic 
wrap that you can't possibly gnaw through and then I'll sacrifice you to 
the glory of big brother! (She wails and falls to her knees.) Oh where 
for art thou big brother?! Return to me soon on love's light wings or 
something like that!

(Nanami continues her soliloquy as the last of the zombie students 
help her cronies out of the basement and the scene fades to black.)

To be continued...

All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical 
out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I 
shall continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because 
sometimes I just don't feel like making the effort to write things in 
story format and sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words 
don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. And yes, this was 
partially inspired by DDFA's Waiting For Minako series.

Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com

Thrilling trailer line: What will happen next week?! Will Juri, Miki, and 
Touga still be trapped in the elevator?! How far can Miki descend 
into madness without his stopwatch?! Who will be the victor in the 
game of Go Fish?! And why does Nanami like to tie up her ritual 
bonfire sacrifices with Saran Wrap?! Stay tuned!