[snip]
"Good point." Nabiki squinted at the next address on
her handwritten list. "Does that first number look like
a '1' or a '2' to you?"
Ranma eyeballed the scribbles. "Beats me."
"Well... it looks more like a '2' to me." She typed
299.43.37.23 into the URL field. The status bar read,
*TCP/YP gateway active. Contacting uplink...*
TCP/YP? Is this the Transmission Control Protocol/Yggdrasil
Protocol? Also, would not Nabiki know that the maximum number
in any part of the dotted quad is 255? I can see Ranma making
this mistake but not Nabiki.
Now, if you are saying that this is YP and not IP, did Nabiki just
stumble upon one of the "links" to heaven; such as being able to
dial heaven on a phone? If not, did Kami-sama allow the link for a
reason?
[snip]
"YES!! I am a GENIUS!" Skuld, Norn Goddess of the
Future and debugger extraordinaire, hopped around in
glee. "That was the last one. Yay! I can go home, now.
All of a sudden I get the impression that there should be a couple
of mini Skuld-chans on her shoulders cheering with her! :-)
[snip]
She gathered a few of the loose cables off the floor
and walked to the damaged panels. Skuld smiled when she
saw that although the chewed-through cable ends were
hanging loosely, the damaged connections were in close
enough proximity that she could easily tell which two
ends were supposed to connect - the cables weren't long
There are only two ends and how many cables? You might want to
change this to:
that she could easily tell which ends went together - the cables
weren't
enough to accommodate any other possibilities. She
proceeded to repair the damage.
When she got to the last damaged connection, she had a
problem. The bug had managed to yank one of the cable
ends out of the board. She bent down, picked up an
undamaged cable, and stared at the board. There were
several empty jacks, but there was no clear indication
of where the plug had been. She peered closely at the
numbers embossed in the metal over the empty jack
holes.
"198... 213... 220... 256... 277... 299... 313... GAH!
313? Definitely not IP. Someone set Ranma up big time as
Nabiki's computer software (and any routers) would have to be
changed to support more that the word used for IP addresses.
I'm not getting anywhere. TERMINAL!" A holographic
computer interface materialized in front of the
diminutive goddess. It looked similar to a laptop, but
That feeling is back. :-)
H'm, Skuld and Washu getting together for a little building spree,
would the universe survive?
[snip]
Skuld jumped for joy, "Luckeee!" and stepped over
quickly to put the new cable in place. She pulled the
Watch out Skuld! Quickly gets angry if stepped on. :-)
Adverb first, use: quickly stepped over
remaining damaged line out and plugged one end of the
new cable into the same jack.
[snip]
*Access approval logged: Skuld, Goddess, Category 2,
Class 2, Limited.*
Uh, oh, Skuld is gonna be in BIG trouble when this gets out.
[snip]
The red in-use light for subnet data line 299 glowed.
----------
Ranma locked her hands behind her head and leaned back
in the chair. "What's takin' so long?"
"Patience. Sometimes these unnamed server addresses are
buried deep and you have to wait to get access."
I want to see a traceroute to this system. It should have some
fascinating hops. ^_^
[snip]
"Point. 'Transport Medium'."
"Point. 'Transport Medium'?"
[snip]
"Un! ...'Age'."
"Un! . . . 'Age'?"
[snip]
"Who ARE these people?" Ranma asked.
"They're mythological gods and goddesses. Ah, so! I
Nabiki is doing a bad impersonation of a stereotypical Chinese
bimbo (and I don't mean Shampoo.) I recommend you drop the
"so!" from the sentence.
[snip]
"Errr... Let's look a bit." Nabiki continued to scroll
down. She eventually hit the Norse pantheon. One
selection was titled 'Norns', and it listed three
I thought they were the Nornes?
[snip]
A flash of white washed over the column and a distinct
'CRACK' echoed in the very fabric of the room. Ranma's
clothes disintegrated and swirls of misty white
luminance swirled around her body. They slowly
coalesced, resolving into an intricate robe, earrings,
necklace, and fingerless gloves and toeless foot
coverings. The clothing floated around Ranma as her red
hair suddenly glowed and began to grow. It reached
almost to her feet before it stopped and began to
loosely braid itself into one long rope. A broad and
elaborately configured hair ribbon appeared and crowned
the back of her head.
What happened to the dragon wisker with which Ranma braids his
hair? Even though it is not necessary in female form he still used it.
The top band abruptly rushed in and touched just below
Ranma's left eye, forming a glowing triangle. The
bottom band of light repeated the effect for the right
eye. The remaining band swirled for a few seconds more,
and then rushed in to touch the center of her forehead,
forming an upright infinity symbol. Ranma jerked and
strained even harder at the last contact.
I have not read all of Aa! Megami-sama, however, the parts I have
read all showed the same markings on the forehead as on the
cheeks. Unless there is something very different about Ranma
should he not have the same markings in both places?
[snip]
She slowly drifted down until her toes were only a few
inches from the floor. One leg was slightly pulled up
such that hollow of one foot rested on the instep of
the other.
such that the hollow
After several heartbeats of silence, Nabiki slowly rose
and peered around at the mess. Familiar paths were
traveled in her brain as she began to think about how
Ranma was going to pay for this. That stopped when she
realized Ranma hadn't actually made it to terra firma
but was hovering over the floor. Ranma's clothes still
floated around her. The material was of a shimmering
green with water-blue-within-beige trim.
I know it's pedantic to say this, however, normally one uses
aquamarine instead of water-blue.
[snip]
The singing of crickets and a single bird call washed
through the room, and then two goddesses
simultaneously, "WHAT?!?!"
Simultaneously what? said, cried, screamed, shouted? What did
they do?
"HEY! Not my fault, bag lady!" Skuld was turning purple
as Urd snickered.
Urd's going to let "bag lady" go by without saying anything?
[snip]
"I hope you haven't unpacked, yet, Skuld. Kami-sama
wants you back for the investigation," Belldandy called
from the kitchen.
When did Belldandy get in the kitchen? She was just in the same
room talking with them a moment ago.
[snip]
"WHAT am I DOING?!?! YAAAAAHHH!!!" Fortunately, Ranma
had drifted across the room to Nabiki's bed while she
was otherwise occupied, responding perhaps to new and
unknown instincts. Thus, Nabiki didn't come to harm as
Ranma unceremoniously dumped her out of her arms and
began to buzz around the upper half of the room.
You used "her" twice very close to one another. You may wish to
rewrite. Something like:
Thus, when Ranma unceremoniously dumped Nabiki out of her
arms, and began to buzz around the upper half of the room, she
came to no harm.
Alternatively, you can just drop the "out of her arms" as you stated
in an earlier paragraph that she was in Ranma's arms.
[snip]
A nice fic, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Brian
--
The Fountains Are Dusty In The Graveyard Of Dreams
The Hinges Are Rusty, They Swing With Tiny Screams.