Subject: [FFML][FIC][RANMA/Response]Not a Private Bet
#1: Fiancee Wars(Prologue

Hiroshi: Just when you think you've 
seen the ultimate in subject line
clutter....

Daisuke: ...someone decides he needs to 
tell people what his post ISN'T. Yeah.

Rowan: You do realize that that's 
actually the name of this series?

Bard: Who are these two weirdos??

Guardian: You're a D-hopper and you don't 
know about Daisuke and Hiroshi??

Bard: Who and who???

Rowan: Those two are supposedly 
Ranma's friends and also serve as 
one liner bystanders. 

Bard: Huh?

Shadow: Let me try. Those two are hentais 
with little screen time that bug Ranma.

Bard: OH! That Hiroshi and Daisuke.

{The others just sigh}

Rowan: It's going to be one of those days....

Hiroshi: Why are we even reading this?

Guardian: That reminds me. Why are we doing this?

Shadow: Shade said it's our mess so we get 
to clean it up.

Bard: Let's skip ahead a bit.

Why settle for just simple C&C when you can stir the pot a little?

Daisuke: Because simple C&C might be useful to the authors?

Rowan: Ah, the sarcasm is starting early.

Guardian: What part of Spoof doesn't he understand?

Shadow: Feeling a tad bitter?

Guardian: Don't you start.

Rowan: Time to move on.

Prologue: A Fanfic Menace

Hiroshi: This mailing list contains known members of the international

fanfictionist conspiracy!! I have NAMES!

{The four stare at this for a moment}

Shadow: Needs to switch to decaf.

Our heroes were relaxing for a moment from 
the Private Bet and enjoying some well deserved
refreshments. There had been good entries, bad entries, 
and some entries that just made roll their eyes in disbelief.

Daisuke: Like we care.

Gary: Let's skip a bit....

Rowan & Guardian: Ouch, talk about harsh.

[snip a whole bunch of goofiness]

Bard: You do realize that if you take the goofiness out of 
one of Shade's fics that there won't be much left.

�OH MY GODDESS! They�re out of character!!!�

Gary: See, that's a valid kind of criticism.
Maybe this isn't going to be so bad.

Daisuke: Well, it WOULD be valid if he'd 
given us any details to go on.
WHO does he think is out of character?
Where? And what does he think they WOULD have done?

Rowan: You really should be careful what you ask for.

Shadow: Yeah, you might just get it.

Gary: Um... maybe that's coming up.

Hiroshi: Well, for one, I think Kodachi's wish was OOC. 
She should have said, "I wish to become Hiroshi 
Chapatsu's love slave!"

Bard: That's about as likely as Sayuri and 
Yuka finding that duo attractive. Except I'd bet 
on the Love Slave happening first.

Shadow: Cold.....I like it.

[Hiroshi gets whapped as we snip more goofiness]

Rowan: So exactly what are you doing then?

�We�ve got an illegal violation of continuity 
regulation 23B subclause 11 paragraph 5 regarding 
crossdimensional alignment.�

Shade grimaced. Otaku SI�s always left 
a bad taste in his mouth.

�So in other words someone�s screwed around 
with the characters personalities and basically
made a mess of things with help from my eternal 
opponents, the KOTTF.�

�Bingo.� 

�Hey!! I�m a member of the KOTTF!!�
A voice squeeked out from the back of the crowd.

*BLAM*

*HISSSS**THUNK*

{All}: {Chuckle at the instant replay}

Guardian: The Rangers of the Crossover 
Fiancees strike again.

Gary: Oh, my. What a mature response. 
This person has certainly managed
to convince me of the rightness of 
his position, yes he has.

Guardian: Your sarcasm's dripping onto the floor. 
Besides anyone that uses H & D has no right to 
knock someone else's maturity.

Shadow: {Raises an eyebrow} Compared to some 
of the stuff we've seen that was pretty tame.

Rowan: Glass houses and stones.

Hiroshi: Hey, don't knock it. Violence is cool.
Maybe if we just shot people who disagreed with 
us instead of trying to peacefully work out
our differences, we'd get some chicks once in a while.

{Shadow Guardian Rowan}: YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING???!!!

Bard: Yeah! Chicks!!!

{Others}: Shut up.

Rowan: Moving on.

�Anyone else here an Akane fan?�

Gary: ME!!! Over here! Yo! Hey! Me! Me! Me!

Daisuke: Me too!

Hiroshi: Me three!

Shadow: Well all right then.....

Rowan: Shadow. Drop it.

Shadow: Damn. {Tosses his energy pistol to the ground}

Rowan: The rest of it too, remember what Shade said.

{Shadow shoots Rowan a dirty look but complies}

{Several dozen throwing knives, a pair 
of scimitars, and a couple of holdout 
blasters join the pile}

Rowan: ALL of it.

Shadow: Geeze, picky picky...

{Fifteen minutes later: A large mound of 
assorted agents of destruction piles up}
{Shadow tosses in his cloak and roses}

Shadow: Happy now?

Guardian: You can have them back after we're done.

They watched as Akane got to look into Ranma�s heart and soul.
Then they saw her still beat the crap out of him anyway.

�What a....� The Guardian was having trouble coming up 
with an adaquate discription for this black haired and equally 
black hearted.......

�Living waste of resources.� Shadow scowled as the 
Tendo bimbo made a painful farewell between Ukyo 
and Ranma even more heartbreaking.

Gary: And blah blah blah. You ever gonna tell us what you think was
wrong with our fic, or is this post just an excuse for childish
character insults?

Guardian: Why you...do we have to spell 
it out in words of one syllable or less??!!

Rowan: Down Boy.

Shadow: Hmmm....I wasn't aware personal observations 
were not seen as just that, observations. 

Bard: Let's see...this fic basically does nothing 
really. We have Akane being portrayed as the 
innocent victim of everything, wishes that had 
the potential for a better story going wrong in 
such a way to only suit the authors' personal biases.
Lots of character bashing of Shampoo and Ukyo, Ranma 
gets put through Hell, Blatent SI character that 
just pisses us off, and now we're going to take 
this screwed up lame fic and inject a strong dose 
of insanity in it. If they've got to be out of 
character, give a good reason for it.

Rowan: You've been drinking again.

Bard: DAMN RIGHT!!

��The Bitter End� proved that one. Not to mention the 
little details such as that if Ranma married Shampoo in the 
second timeline they�d all be better off, Akane would finally 
have to grow up and Ukyo would have her heart�s desire at last.�

Gary: Bitter End didn't prove anything. It's a fic, 
not canon, and its conclusion is based on some 
HIGHLY questionable assumptions, not to
mention blatant double standards.

Bard: Okay I admit, this one WAS my fault.
Of course you're one to talk about double standards.
What I meant was that The Bitter End is an excellent 
example of what COULD happen if Ranma and the violent 
tomboy ever were to get *Shudder* hitched. Of course 
we could also discuss the HIGHLY questionable assumptions 
that the KOTTF have regarding culinary skill and that 
lack of trust and self control.

Daisuke: Of course, to be fair, the very same 
thing could be said about this chapter of HD.

Rowan: Of course.

Hiroshi: That's true. The stuff about Ranma's destiny 
*was* pretty far out. Still, if I were to choose between 
this chapter and BE -- not a choice I'd like to make, 
mind you -- I'd say this is a little closer to
the spirit of Takahashi. She did call Ranma and Akane 
"the only true couple in the series."

{Assorted coughing}

Guardian: Point here, Takahashi-sama's Ranma 1/2
had one universal thing that always held true. 
Nothing EVER goes according to plan & if it was 
funny then it would get worse. This fic was nowhere 
near even the toilet of the spirit of the Great One.
As for the only true couple....Have you ever noticed that 
ALL of her romantic match-ups hold the seeds for Heartbreak?

Hiroshi: We certainly don't begrudge you 
the right to make negative criticism.

Shadow: No, but you're making a good effort anyway.

Daisuke: On the contrary, we welcome it. 
Some of the most useful feedback an author 
can get is to find out why someone disliked his or
her work.

Bard: Hey Guardian! Your sword's singing!

Guardian: Ah....I see.

Hiroshi: But you've given us very 
little to go on here. You've told us
very little about *why* you disliked this so much.

Rowan: They do realize that this is 
       a Altiverse Fic, not a true C&C?

Gary: Right. If I may make a suggestion,
drop all the goofing around with your 
own characters; it's not that amusing, frankly.

{ALL}: WE BEG TO DIFFER!!!

Tell us what you didn't like about our story,
and why, and we promise we'll listen.
Who knows, we might even agree with you.

Shadow: Shall we give it to him?

{Others}: YES!!



[Chapter 1: Akane Tendo]

[ See how Shampoo likes being a cat all the time,
or Ukyou being a real man. 
Akane giggled, shaking her head. 
She would never do that.  She wasn't
the vindictive sort; she didn't really 
want to hurt anyone, just to
sort of get them out of the way.]

Rowan: We're getting mixed signals here. 
Her thoughts are contradicting themselves, 
not mention that Akane IS vengeful and 
spiteful too even in canon. Even placing 
this after volume 38 isn't doing much to 
get us to accept this kinder smarter 
Akane pod person.

[ There was something wrong with changing 
people's minds, though.  It was too
underhanded, too much like Shampoo's potions.]

Bard: Standard fanfic cliche, and Akane is not averse to
using underhanded methods herself from time to time.
I can see if you're showing us part of her hypocritical 
side but putting it as the real her isn't cutting it.

[She could make herself a great warrior, and finally 
show Ranma what was what.  She could cook a great meal 
and shove it in his face.  But no; she wanted
to do something huge, something significant, not 
just to change a tiny corner of her life.]

Guardian: This is just wrong. Akane just 
does not have this kind of insight. She WOULD make 
an impulsive wish. Her emotions control her, not 
the other way around.

[Chapter 2: Ryoga Hibiki]

[Akane's toxic waste.]

Shadow: Okay. Even we use this cliche, but still....

["Look," Ryoga said as he unclenched his fist. 
"I can understand how you feel. Really. But Akane 
and Akari aren't going to love you.
That's just how it is. Find someone else, for your own sake."]

Rowan: The mythical "noble" Ryoga. Frankly this is
just not happening short of extreme Divine Intervention.
By all rights Ryoga should have either 
A) wished to be cured of his Jusenkyo curse
or B) Wished to be better then Ranma

[Chapter 3: Hikaru Gosunkugi]

[Asmodeus had arrived.]

Bard: For your information Asmodeus is a Devil not a demon.
There is a BIG difference between the two. Demons are evil 
embodied in Chaos and Devils are Evil embodied in order.
Also the appearence is just lame, having it just pop 
in like that without a decent explantion does nothing 
for the plot. Having another magic-user challanging Gosunkugi, 
now that's more believable.

[....She lay a single red rose 
on his grave and walked away.]

Guardian: Ugh....the stale melodrama is 
as flat as day old rootbeer.
The battle reads like a grade school 
tv action show. Also too much focus on Akane, 
I find it hard to believe that Ranma didn't 
do anything during or after the funeral. 
It's just not him.

[Chapter 4: Mousse]

Shadow: Frankly, this chapter just sucked. Mousse is WAY 
OOC here, the guardian angel bit was a copout. Mousse is
not a cold type of person, he tends to be more along the 
lines of raging volcano, he has passion. The one here is 
a corpse and that's BEFORE he dies.

["Hear me out Saotome.  This isn't just 
any ordinary case of post-pubescent 
infatuation with a canonized figure," 
Mousse said evenly. "Hunh?" Ranma intoned.
Mousse thought Ranma looked near pain as
he processed the previous statement.]

Rowan: Can we say Shampoo hater writing here? Also 
note the appearence of cliche "Moron Jock" Ranma 
at this point. The quality starts spiraling down 
from this point on. Ranma is NOT this bad.

[Chapter 5: Shampoo]

Guardian: I'm sorry, but this is just unfair. If 
nothing else this chapter alone demands 
our twist to this tale. If you're going 
to pick on Shampoo then we're going to pick on Akane.
Except that we're going to do a better job of it.

Bard: The Unclean plot device stinks, Cologne 
DOES have morals. Using her as a villain goes against 
just about everything that took place in the previous 20 
or so volumes.

[Chapter 6: Ranma Saotome
Sacrifices Must Be Made]

[Ranma sighed.  
There was only one choice to make- he was just delaying
what he wanted.  "I choose to marry Akane- as much as 
I've fought against it, she's the one I love... more 
than life itself- more than my own comfort
or peace of mind.  Akane must be protected.  
And if it takes losing Ukyou and hurting 
others... well, sacrifices must be made."]

Shadow: Who are you and what have you done with the real Ranma?
BAD enough that the SI character appears here but this.....
This goes against everything Ranma Saotome stands for.
Sacrificing Ukyo just like that? He is NOT GENMA!
I'm sorry but this is just a poor excuse to match 
up Akane & Ranma together by totally rewriting their characters.

[Five days later, 
a certain device arrived from Herb's kingdom, on loan
(terms negotiated by Nabiki) to Akane Tendou for the 
necessary amount of time.  The next day, Shampoo was 
locked as a cat by the Musk Dynasty's form
locking bucket.  Shampoo was captured and locked away, 
and not released back to Cologne until ALL the evidence 
against Ranma's ancestors was destroyed, and Cologne 
signed an agreement to leave Japan with Shampoo,
never to return.  Then, after getting Ranma a legal 
divorce (thus ensuring that Shampoo's wish would remain 
fulfilled in that she HAD been legally married to her, 
which a simple annulment would not do) the cat was returned to
her.]

Rowan: Vindictive little author aren't we? Once again we see
universe being rewritten to please the KOTTF. Why not just 
inject liquid nitrogen into Ranma's veins while you're at it?

[Chapter 7: Nabiki Tendo]

 Akane suddenly screamed as Ranma turned the mindlink on, showing her
exactly how her food tasted.

["Baka!  You planned this!" shouted Akane.
 She hammered Ranma into the floor,
yelling "And don't you dare show me how 
_this_ feels!" as her blow struck home.]

Bard: Now why did he want to marry her again? Here we 
have him sacrifice everything for her and yet Akane 
STILL treats him like dirt and takes his affection for granted.
Even Love has its limits. 

[Akane understood that Ranma did have feelings from
long ago towards Ukyou, and that they weren't like 
his feelings towards her. It really was completely 
innocent.  She felt faintly disappointed at that,
since she had no reason to get jealous.  But no matter 
what it is now, thought Akane, it could always become 
something else in the future.]

Bard: See! There's love but no Happiness for Ranma!!
She STILL doesn't trust him!!!

["Ran-chan..." said Ukyou, and hugged him, crying.

"Ah, er, you don't have to..."

<< Get her off of you. >> commanded Akane.

<< It's not what it looks like!  You _know_ that,
 you're in my mind! >>

<< She's trying to separate us.  It's better if 
you don't let it go any farther.  
You said you're sorry.  You can come back now. >> ]

Shadow: It's Akane the (word that starts with "B"
and rhymes with itch). It's moments like this that 
made us create the Private Bet.

["And *that's* for wanting to eat her food." 
said Akane as she hit Ranma again.

"No, I didn't!"

"I could tell!  I was in your mind.  
I _know_ you think Ukyou's food is the
best you've ever tasted.  You can't lie any more, Ranma...."]

Guardian: The injustice of this galls me to the core.

[Ukyou slid the doors of the dojo open.
 Ranma was sitting in the corner on
a mat, with several bruises on him. 
 Akane was holding a table above her head,
and as Ukyou watched she swung it at Ranma, 
so hard that pieces broke off each
time she hit him.  By now the table was 
barely a tabletop with one leg and
three corners.

"I worked hard to knit those gloves!  
Even if they do have twelve fingers,
that's no reason to throw them out!" 
cried Akane as she walloped Ranma on the
head with the table, adding a lump.  
Ranma didn't even try to defend himself.

"Akane, I wasn't going to throw them out!"

"Yes, you were!  I saw it in your mind!  You thought 
they were ugly and a monstrosity and that you were 
going to put them in the trash and pretend to lose 
them.  If I hadn't asked you to show me what you 
were thinking, you would have done it and I would 
have never known!"

"Ran-chan!" yelled Ukyou.  "What...  what's going on?"

Ranma looked at Ukyou.  "Ucchan, please...  *ow*  Leave us alone."  Another lump grew on his head as Akane hit him again with the table.

"No!  Come on with me, Ranma. 
You don't have to let her push you around like
that."

Akane finally noticed Ukyou. 
"I can't believe you're still trying to get
close to Ranma.  Don't you understand?  It's destiny.
You can't stop it. That's why I didn't want Ranma 
visiting you any more.  He has to sacrifice you to 
make our relationship work.  Now leave us alone."

Ukyou walked closer, and tugged at Ranma's sleeve. 
But Ranma stayed in place."No, Ucchan, I can't come. 
I love Akane and I can't disappoint her by coming
with *ow* you."]

Rowan: Can we say Bitter End? Any shred of sympathy for Akane 
has died a quick and painful death. She deserves everything 
that's coming to her.

Shadow: Skipping ahead a bit. While some exceptions can be made for 
having so many authors writing this monster it still is badly 
plotted out. Its more like primetime cable then Anime.
       
[He strangely felt like a mouse being eyed by 
three hungry cats as the three girls turned and
looked at him.  Akane's thoughts had decidedly turned naughty.]

Rowan: If there's one thing we hate even 
worse then SI fics it's Fics that use the Disney style
Happily ever after to magically wipe out all the pain 
and suffering that had gone on before. 

Bard: The less said of Kodachi's wish the better.

*$*$*$*

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
>From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-Robert Frost

"a politician is an arse upon
which everyone has sat except a man"

-E.E. Cummings
 

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