Gary Kleppe wrote:

Kent Hyam <rodney.hyam@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote:

     Ryoga's brow furrowed in confusion.  "But then she'd know."
     "No.  Remember the water proof soap."  When Ryoga nodded at the

'waterproof' is usually written as one word.

     "Yes.  It's easier to avoid hot water, but I need the added
safety.  There's no way I can let Mom find out about my curse, now.  I
should probably tell Kasumi about this.  She looked a little upset."
     "So what are you going to do?  Spend the rest of your life as a
girl?"
     "I'm, um, I'm considering it.  The only other choice I've got is
looking for a cure."

This attitude seems too defeatist for Ranma. Besides, the obvious
solution is to get Nodoka to leave. If that doesn't work, 'Ranko' could
eventually leave and turn back into a man somewhere else.

     "So, head for Jusenkyo.  I'll go with you myself.

Need an ending quote mark.

     "It's not that easy," Ranma said angrily.  "It wouldn't be much of
a curse if the cure was only a hundred yards away."
     "But, it's got to work.  If there isn't a curse at Jusenkyo...,"

'curse' should be 'cure.'

Ryoga protested.
     "You have no idea where to look," Ranma finished for him.  "Why do
you think I never went back there.  If I had some Jusenkyo water here
I'd try it, but I couldn't stand going all the way to China just to have
my only hope crushed."

Besides, getting there is rather problematic in itself.

     "You could still look for a cure.  There has to be one somewhere."

     "Does there?  Besides, it would take to long.  Without money, just

too long, and there's an extra skipped line above.

     "There's one more thing we need to talk about.  If I am a girl
permanently, what about us?"
     "What are you saying, Ranma?"
     "I meant what I told Ukyo.  There's just something about two girls
together that seems wrong to me."

Again, Ranma's giving up too easily. Besides, inside he'd still think of
himself as a guy, so I really can't believe that he'd be seriously
considering that kind of relationship with Ryoga.

In retrospect this scene is a lot darker than I intended.  It's not really
far out of character, but it's almost as inapproriate for the fic as Ranma
considering suicide.  I'll have to find another way to set things up.

     Ryoga looked at Ranma.  She was wearing a set of girl's pajamas,
probably borrowed from Akane, since they were somewhat decent.  It was,
Ryoga reflected getting hard to remember that Ranma was really a guy.

reflected, getting

    Ukyo hated to admit it, but she needed help and there was only one
person she could trust to supply it.  "Akane, can I talk to you."

you?"

    "You're wrong.  Shampoo will prove that Ranma is ten times the man
you are, Mousse."  Saying this she embraced Ukyo and gave her a lengthy
kiss.   Releasing Ukyo, Shampoo took a step backwards.  "There, you
see," she said to Mousse.

I didn't get this at first, but it's a clever idea of Shamps, to get
Mousse to attack Ukyo.

      "Well, what's done is done.  I have to say that things would be a
lot less complicated if she hadn't defeated you in combat."
      "Spatula girl not beat Shampoo.  She just lucky."
      "You know the law doesn't accept excuses," Cologne said
disapprovingly.  "You nominated her for acceptance into the tribe, and
because she defeated you I have no choice but to allow it."

Am I forgetting something? When did any of this happen?

I'm assuming that when an amazon givexs someone the kiss of marriage, that
person becomes a member of the tribe.  If no other laws apply this would have
to be approved by an elder.  I know there's no evidence that Cologne has any
kind of special authority, but playing around with the laws is fun.

     Ranma awoke slowly in the morning.  Gradually she became aware of
something warm clutched in her arms.  opening her eyes she saw a

Capitalize Opening.

    Carefully checking to make sure no one was in sight, Ranma entered
the furo and dunked P-chan in the warm water.   "All right, Ryoga.  How
did you get splashed inside the house."

house?"

    "Well can't he train some other time?"

"Well, can't

    "The duel is tomorrow."
    "Really?  You should have told me sooner."
    "She was probably just embarrassed Auntie Saotome.  According to

embarrassed, Auntie

Overall, not sure what to say. I like the concept of this series. It has
some funny moments, but there's room for a good deal more comedy. I
still think Ranma is being uncharacteristically defeatist.

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html