Ey, Jod here (Huh? Who?:))

Just read your story, enjoyed it rather much and thought I'd give some
comments. 

Also, to everyone else on the list. This is my first public C&C, given
because the author explicitly asked for it. So here it is. I know it's a
tad late, but hey. Anyway, hello people.

    Kenji flinched.  He was in high school, and a junior no less.  
Only grade-schoolers and delinquents got a 'Please See Me'.  He 
wanted to scream; his hands were already shaking, ready to ball 
into defiant fists of rage.  But he held himself back a moment to 
collect ammo for his defense. 

****Maybe drop the already in 'already shaking'. 
-Collect ammo.. perhaps collect resolve would sound better.

    "This isn't a bad story," he muttered as he began reading his 
work.  "Maybe a little forced here and there, but..."  He stared 
at his words, and the anger dissipated quickly, only to be 
replaced with disappointment.  Looking again at the three red 
words, he shook his head in reluctant defeat. 
    "I guess the truth isn't kind," he grumbled. 
    "Hey, Kenji," Ichiro snickered from behind.  Kenji again 
shook his head and blinked forcefully.

****You seem to use a lot of 'again'. I would drop it at a few sentences,
his last one for example.

    "Nothing."  Kenji took an objective look at his friend.  The 
face-wide grin showed most of his teeth, and was too deliberate to 
be ignored.

****What exactly is an objective look?

    "Why are you grinning like that?"
    "Oh, just happy, I guess."
    Kenji played along, though less enthusiastically than on 
other days.  "And why are you happy today?"
    "You know, it's a funny thing, that.  Happiness can take so 
many forms."
    "Really?  Which form did it take this time?"

***I rather like this exchange.

    "What did you get?" 
    "As long as it reaches its audience, that's all that counts." 
    "What did you get?" 
    "I think that, in time, this story will be looked upon 
favorably." 
    "That bad, huh?" 

****Alright, this is nice too.

Kenji crumpled over his desk as a dozen sighs of pity chorused 
around him, spreading from the depths of the back all the way to 
the front. 

****The sentence behind the comma, it reads a little.. awkwards. I think
it's the 'depths of the back' that doesn't really work.

    "Don't worry about the note.  Mr. Motojima probably just 
wants to take more time with the serious writer here." 

***Okay.. maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker here, but I do not
fully understand what she wants to say with this sentence.

    The fog lifted.  The scene around him faded from a somber 
gray into a vista more intense than any he had seen before.  Trees 
bloomed, instantly shedding their petaled blossoms.  They floated 
effortlessly across his view, sparkling blues around pink and 
white edges.  The sky was eternally blue, and one glance seemed to 
invite infinite pondering.  Mountains stood like sonnets, orderly, 
yet somehow unique and chaotic within themselves.  Kenji wanted 
desperately to write.

*****Okay, this is a very nice description of the writers block indeed.
Very nice, points for this man. :)

    Kenji blinked awake.  He felt warm, numb, like he was still 
wearing the cloak of an old lucid vision.  He lay there for a 
moment considering the dream, *and* wondering if he really saw his 
muse take a tumble at the end.

***I think the 'and' is out of place there.

     Movement became suddenly difficult for Kenji, but he managed 

to wiggle himself off the bed, and successfully fell face-first to 
the carpeted floor.  As he spat out bits of lint, he peeked up 
over the edge of the bed.

**Funny, this.

    "You're... oh boy."  Kenji gulped for air and sane recourse.  
"You're..."
    "Caravan."

*****Caravan?

    Kenji stood up.  "Well then, what would you suggest, *your* 
great goddess of inspirationness?" 

***you could ditch the 'your' here.

  She took a couple of cautious 

steps, trying to keep her balance as she approached the closet.

****Why does she have trouble walking? Because she's just been 'born'?

    Kenji grinned bashfully.  "Ah yes, the halcyon days of 
youth."

***Halcyon? Wuh, am gonna nead dictionary... :)

    "Yes," Kenji started.  "Yes I do.  But, why do I need your 
help?  Where were you a month ago?  How about a week ago, when I 
had to write that C-minus paper I got back today?  Where were you 
then?"  Kenji's voice rose quickly, his fists balled.  Before he 
knew it, he was standing over Caravan, growling, ready to yell at 
any answer she could give.

***huh? Where did all the anger come from?


Well, that's just the things that came up while reading this. One of the
other things is that Kenji seems to accept her really easily, I mean, he
isn't very curious about her, is he? That strikes me as a bit strange. 

Of course, all comments I wrote are purely subjective and all that, bu'cha
know that.

Other then that, am looking forward to the next part.

See ya!


Jod
chatin@euronet.nl
http://www.euronet.nl/users/chatin/index.htm
ICQ- 12277187