Spoliers below, snippage throughout.

Ch 14 - Gathering of Forces

	"What have you learned, Grand-daughter," the aged matriarch of
the Joketsuzoku whispered, so as not to be overheard by Mousse.

"What have you learned, Grand-daughter?" whispered the aged matriarch...
or
"What have you learned, Grand-daughter?"  The aged matriarch...

	The youth, who was currently washing tables in the front of the
restaurant, was a moron in her opinion but his near blindness had made
his hearing a little too accurate for her comfort.

was a moron in her opinion, but

[...]

	Shampoo nodded, laying a finger to her chin. "If Airen get
koochie-koo, then Shampoo think Airen no grumpy. He even grump at
spatula girl. He no be with her. Something funny with Airen and pervert
girl's sister, though. They argue. Airen win argue. Greedy girl run
away home. Pervert girl sick or crying like little boy for Airen at
home, too. Shampoo think something wrong with greedy girl and pervert
girl. Maybe nice-nice older sister, too."

Five Airens in this paragraph sounds really repetitive.
The sentence structure is too simple, even for Shampoo.

[...]

	Cologne shook her head and chuckled out loud. Venereal Disease?

Disease does not need to be capitalized.

[...]

	After cutting out of afternoon class, Ranma had commanded Ukyou
to stay at Uc-chan's with the doors locked. She wasn't happy,
especially in the presence of Ranma's new companion, but obeyed her
fiancee.

fiance.  Only one e for male fiances.

[...]

	To make matters worse, Kodachi had appeared live on Channel 2
just after Ranma left. She was offering a one million yen reward for
the capture of the murderer who had mutilated a St. Heberke student at
lunchtime.

Hebereke

[...]

	"Are we going to go to help him?" the kunoichi asked seriously.
"If there are murderers about, then it is public duty to try to stop
them.

it is our public duty (?)

[...]

	"So, you're sticking around this time?" Ranma asked, hanging from
the tree branch by his knees..

His brain needs all the extra oxygen he can get from the blood pooling
to his head.  ;)

[...]

	"Well, it's like ya dissapear every time I go to pound one of the
creeps."

disappear

"Say, do you know a white marshmallow creature?
About this high?  Red gem in it's forehead?"

[...]

	"Is a vampire a creature who merely drinks blood? Is it a
creature with fantastic powers? What about the raveners... do they not
glory in blood?"

This actually brings up a good point.  Nodoka, Kasumi, Nabiki, and now
Akane really *aren't* vampires, seeing as they don't have any of their
weaknesses.  Heck, they aren't even undead.

They're just people that have special powers and like to drink blood.

	"But they don't *drink* it," Ranma answered bitterly. "Bad as
they are, they're not parasites!"

I've gotten the impression that the "vampires" only need to feed on
blood after using their powers.  Otherwise, they only appear to drink
because they want to get horny...  (Nodoka, Nabiki)

Doesn't do much for the parasite argument.

[...]

	Ranma shook his head angrily as he righted himself. "Uc- chan...
and Konatsu, I think. I told her to stay put, damnit!"

Extra space in Uc-chan.

[...]

	"Can you tell if Ranma is anywhere near, Kasumi?" Nodoka asked.

	Kasumi merely shook her head.

"Does that mean he's not near, or you can't tell, dear?
I'm not in the mood to get killed by a misunderstanding."

[...]

	"Stupid Spatula girl get in way, too," Shampoo whispered to
herself as she saw the chef and the cross dressing ninja pass beneath
her. This simply wouldn't do. If she were allowed too close to Airen's
mother then there was no tel--

cross-dressing

[...]

	Ukyou turned around in shock. Ranma's mother, Kasumi, Nabiki and
a blonde woman she had never seen before bursted out of the trees.

burst out of the trees

[...]

	"You're a virgin, right?" Nabiki asked as Ukyou readied her
battle spatula.

	Ukyou nodded, taking a few practice swings in the monster's

I can't see Ukyo answering this question so easily.
Seems to be a spatula offense to ask something that personal.

[...]

	"Damnitt, Ukyou! I told you to stay put!"	Ranma scolded as he
picked up another branch and drove it through the monster at waist
level.

Dammit.  Or Damn it.

[...]

	Ukyou came to in a rush. A police blanket was wrapped around her.
Sirens wailed miserably in the distance, and she was surrounded in
flashing light and the static of a dozen walkie- talkies working at
once. Overlaying everything was the rotten-egg- sewage smell that
seemed to cling to her.

Extra space in walkie-talkies

[...]

	"Are you awake, Miss?" a voice asked from behind her.

I guess without the bindings, now one's going to mistake her for a boy.  :)

[...]

Too gory? Too violent? Too icky?

I don't think it went too far.  However...


I wasn't terribly interested in this part.  I want to see how Ranma is
dealing with things, and we didn't get to see much of his thoughts at all.
This was a particularly glaring omission when he was talking to his mother.
I don't thing there was anything wrong with the scene, but there was no
mention of Ranma's or Nodoka's moods.  Was he angry?  Bitter?  Emotionless?

What were Nodoka's feelings?  Previously she's been upset when he said
that everything was her fault.  Yet there seemed to be no remorse in
her actions.  Well, not the ravener killing part.  No remorse that he
seemed to hate her, and would barely speak to her.  Or was she happy
she could at least see him?  The day before he said he was never coming
back.

Presumably this will be addressed in the next part.  I assume Ranma's
not with Ukyo because he's resolving some issues...

The virgin conversation with Ukyo got me thinking.  Maybe a bad idea. ^_^;;;
I just couldn't get the image out of my mind of Ranma (ahem) making sure
that his fiancees wouldn't have to worry about ravener attacks...

Then I wondered, would he purposefully stay celibate, so he could continue
to use his girl-body as bait?

Awaiting Akane's return,



Doug
----
[blearily]: "What kind of drugs did you *give* me?  I dreamt that I
turned into a vampire, beat up Ranma, he left me, and I grew wings!"

"Uh, Akane..."

----
Douglas MacDougall     Art and fiction available at my homepage:
dougmacd@thecia.net    http://www.thecia.net/~dougmacd/fanworks/