At 12:14 AM 5/15/99 -0500, Ranma Al'Thor wrote:

On Thu, 13 May 1999, Matthew Lewis wrote:

    The sun was going down, the moon out, and the beautiful sunset at
Furinkan high school marred only by a group of students... and a few of
their friends (although I use the term loosely-- both students and
friends, now that I think of it).
    Ranma was busily running, not for some training, but because he did
not want Kodachi to catch him, who did her usual ribbon and leotard

What evil force has now destroyed the pragraph breaks?

I generally use paragraph breaks around dialogue. If a paragraph has
any dialogue in it, then there is a break in between. At odd times I'll
include another break, if shifting the centre of view or what-have-you,
but otherwise they get linked together. A habit I'm generally consistent
with. (but on the upside, they do get indented!) ^_^
	By linking paragraphs together without a line break in between
them, I preserve a continuity, and by putting a break in between them
I denote some kind of difference, whether it be dialogue, or a minor
change of locale or time, or some other change. So yes it is intentional
and yes there is some form of reasoning, and perhaps? perhaps even some
kind of logic which can be followed (nah, that'd be too much to ask from
me ^_^ ). Ah well, there is a pattern to it, at any rate.

[Snip large chunk.  Until Ranma finds Ifurita, the story read too much
like a summary; I think it needs a little more fleshing out.]

Truth in that. I have that habit-- too terse at times and a tendency to
summarise to get to where I want to write....

having a corkscrew-like design along the end third of its length.
    The woman with her pale, pale hair and similar complexion opened
her eyes, her sad, sad eyes which as soon as they focused on Ranma
broke out into rapturous joy. Her clothes were finely made, though
somewhat tattered from age. The pale blue stockings ended around her
ankles in small tears. A veil was pulled back, revealing her
heart-shaped face. Stern black coat with tails and silver trim was open
in the front, showing her shirt and a generous amount of cleavage of
which even Shampoo could be proud of the amount.

Why would Shampoo be proud that Ifurita has generous cleavage?

D'oheth! Should be, "proud to have that amount."

    Ryouga appeared from the rustling bush, bearing two stone tablets
with ten commandme-- scratch that. He emerged from the bushes mad,

Heh.

I like to let my narrators have a little bit of fun... ^_^ Some of them
get a lot more parts than others-- it depends on tone, amongst other
things....

    "Well, I dunno, actually. I mean, there's me, my dad, Shampoo,
Mousse, Pantyhose, Rouge (as Ashura), y--" Ranma said, only to be cut
off by Ryouga.

Heh.

When you think about it, there's quite a few Jusenkyo victims floating
around, eh? 

    "Surely," Gallus said, turning towards Rune Venus, "you can make an
exception for you betrothed? After all, we are getting married soon,
are we not, love?"

for your betrothed

...and the fingers slip yet again.... :/

    Ukyo sighed. Mousse didn't need glasses anymore, and in fact had
the best sight out of all of them now. This did not go over too well

Why?  Is this due to their transition to this world?  Or some other event?

I should, I suppose put that in, that yes, it is in fact due to the 
transition to El Hazard which gives him this ability (the others will
figure out theirs as well, and yes, they will be different than the
ones given the Earthers in the El Hazard OVAs). 
	I think I didn't put it in because I figured it unecessary to
do so for my reader's sake. I have (a reasonable expectation, I like
to think) that my readers have at least some knowledge of the series
I use or am using-- why bother reading, otherwise? Hence I get away
with minimal physical descriptions on many of the characters and
the settings, except for some particular reason (a character paying
special attention to said details, to establish mood, et cetera).
By excluding a detailed description of everything, I enhance the
importance of what I do physically describe.
	Still, I should lengthen this bit out with some more conversation,
such as them speculating why Mousse's sight has suddenly improved....

with Shampoo, whom before at least was able to share Mousse's obsession
with her when he mistook someone else for her. Not so now.

share Mousse's obsession?  I don't quite understand what you mean.

Very bad way for me to put it. Inelegant, as well as being vague and
imprecise. Meant to say that she was able to share being the object
of Mousse's obsession, because he would mistake other people for her
and allow her some breathing room. Definite need to redo that.

    The real genesis for the story was Ranma impersonating Fatora (as
Makoto does), and well-- Ura. Right. 'nuff said. ^^

That should be fun.

Oh yes, as well as Shampoo's power, which, for those in the know about
both El Hazard and Ranma 1/2 should be fairly obvious, I think.... :)

A fun start, although the opening segment before he finds Ifurita needs a
little work, I think; it felt rushed.

I am more surprised when I don't get people saying 'it felt rushed' than
when I do.... Usually when I do a second draft it ends up longer, and
not just because there are scenes added....

Matthew Lewis is:
	Matt on IRC
	Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
	maybeso@ican.net
	a casualty of causality
	experimenting with a webpage at:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/9345/index.html
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My mind is like a vacuum-- nature abhors it.
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