On Tue, 18 May 1999, A-kun McCrillis wrote:

============================
	Anime Death Tournament
	Round 2 - The Battles Continue
	Outcomes by ????? and C-chan
	Typing by A-kun
	Plot by..... um, say, who IS doing the plot? ........................
============================

That's a very good question...

The Essential Anime Death Tournament Interviews....

With correspondent, Bastion Fitsroy

"With our correspondent," I think.

Interview #1

-----------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Outside competitor entrance of the arena. Bastion is in formal 
summer attire, (his best pair of jean-shorts and Hawaiian shirt), and while 
waiting anxiously, he makes idle chit-chat with the camera man.]

Bastion: Man, I hate doing these "Previously Recorded" stuff because I can't 
make any witty reply to whatever A-Kun says. And you know he can't resist 
the oppr-

Camera Man: It's recording...

Bastion: <raises eyebrows> Ah, thank you A-Kun. This is special 
correspondent, Bastion, here outside waiting for some of the combatants in 
the Death Match Tournament to enter. Well, <looks at watch> it's been a few 
hours and no one has shown up <mumbling> Those no good son of-

[An unusually skinny man with neat short brown hair and large baby blue eyes 
emerges on the scene accompanied by a seemingly bored orange-haired female 
companion.]

Bastion: Offfaaaaa-hello there. <smiles facetiously> Would you be so kind as 
to introduce yourself to the audiences at home watching this on DVB view.

Skyler: <adjusts his glasses> Nice to meet you kind sir, and yes it would be 
my pleasure. My name is Skyler Sands. I am 16, and I attend Ohtori Academy. 
I also happen to be an otaku trapped in the world of Utena under mysterious 
circumstances.

His regular adventures can be found in "Ma Vie et Roses", available at 
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990 , for those of you wondering 
who the heck he is.

 > 

Bastion: Sooooo, you're an SI?

Skyler: <face sours> Of sorts, yes.

Bastion: <scratches head> Alright, now for what the audience really wants, 
some T&A-

Skyler: You mean Q&A?

Bastion: <pause> Yeeeah. <shifts eyes back and forth> So, how does a 'self 
insert' as yourself prepare for battle?

Skyler: Practice, prayer and making sure my health insurance is paid up.

Bastion: You'll find their table next to the priest saying last rites, just 
right of the sign up booth.

Skyler: Ah, thank you.

Bastion: Next question, being an SI, what super-duper powers do you have? 
<excited> Fire breath? Magical staffs? Ungodly amounts of Chi, Ki, Cha, Cho, 
or whatever it is to call upon?

Skyler: Uh, <pulls a crossbow from the holster on his back> Just this 
crossbow.

Bastion: Uh-huh. Next question! If you were a fruit what would you be?

Skyler: <noticeably angry> I am not a--er, oh `if I were?' Red apple.

Juri: <muttering> Fruitcake, more like.

Bastion: <notices Skyler's companion> Ello, ello, ello, would you mind 
introducing your escort to me ... and, ah, the audience? Is she available?

Skyler: This is Arisugawa Juuri, Captain of Ohtori Academy's Fencing Club. 
As for the latter <sweatdrops>; perhaps you should ask her yourself.

Juri: <fixes Bastion with her steely gaze as she would a butterfly to a 
board> ....

[Bastion and Skyler exchange glances as Juri continues her gaze.]

Bastion: <winking at Skyler and whispering between his teeth> She wants 
me...

Skyler: Ah, I see, Ah...

Bastion: <regaining 'professional' composure> Being you're an SI in Utena, 
is it true, ya know, that Utena is. . . . . a true pink-head?

Skyler: <blushing violently> A gentleman doesn't answer that sort of 
question.

Bastion: <winks> Ah, I see. Don't kiss and tell eh? <nudge,nudge>.

Juri: *Ahem* May we continue with this farce you call an interview?

Bastion: <smiles stupidly> Why of course <bows courteously, Juri rolls her 
eyes>. Anyone on the line up you have your eye on?

Skyler: I'm really pumped about meeting the anime characters. This is the 
sort of thing I wanted when I wished for an anime life! Well, except for the 
being beaten to a pulp part.

Bastion: <shrugs> It's a small price to pay for meeting the people you 
adore. I heard a rumor you and Skuld are an item, is there any truth to that 
myth?

Skyler: I haven't even been lucky enough to meet her yet. And I think Thor 
would get upset if I claimed an untrue relationship with the young lady. I 
don't want Thor mad at me.

Juri: <muttering> There are no such things as thunder gods. I will find a 
rational explanation.

Bastion: <humming the theme to 1776, before realizing he's being stared at> 
Oh, sorry, um, who's your pick to win the tourney, besides yourself? My 
money's on Duke, baby!

Skyler: I kind of like Ryouga, if he can find the ring.

Bastion: Ya know, half the proceeds from the Tourney are funding the many 
satellites tracking system looking for him. <taps chin> Hmmmm, seeing that 

"satellite tracking systems", I think...

your fight record is, <looks downcast at crossbow>, well, less impressive 
than many of the other contenders. Why, might I ask, are you participating 
in this Tourney?

Skyler: <sighs> The Student Council had an Old Maid game. I lost. Juri came 
in just above me.

Juri: I'd have done better if Saionji would show up to the meetings.

Bastion: <off in his own world> I won't mind Juri coming above me...<drool>

[An anonymous hand flies across Bastion's face]

Whack!

Bastion: <pause> Oooowwwww......

[The camera turns to Juri, who has a demure smile on her face.]

Juri: Okay, you stay here. I'll go up to the next floor with Utena, and 
we'll see about that.

[Bastion stops rubbing his sore face and looks up, his face frozen with 
utter shock. Juri struts pass him with an air of victory, quickly followed 

"struts past"

by Skyler who apologetically shrugs and enters the arena.]

Bastion: <dazed> Man................ that was harsh.............. really 
harsh. <looks toward camera> Um, this is Bastion reporting, back to you, 
A-kun. <mumbling> Geez, just how many of these anime girls are lesbians?

Depends who you ask....

Kitty: Thanks, Mr. Bastion. I wike yoo. <eyes flutter and throws
open her arms for an embrace>.

Bastion: <backs away, frightful> Umm, we're outta time! I'd like to
thank the ever wonderful and benevolent Hello Kitty for this interview.

	I'd just like to say I loved this bit too....

Kitty: *Bbbbbbbbuuuuurrrrpppppp!* <covers mouth> He, he.
Excuse me.

Bastion: Uhhh, <forced smile> this Bastion reporting, back to
you C-chan and ?????! <muttering> Whom I'm hoping aren't
lesbians too....

[Cut to C-chan and ?????.]

The man is just begging for it, isn't he?

-----------------------------------------------------

	******	******	******	******	******

	?????'s right eye began twitching.
	"I... am... going... to..." ????? began.
	"He got you this phone number from Juri." C-chan said, covering up for the 
idiotic interviewer.
	"WHOO-HOO!  Thanks, Bastion!  And now, Skyler Sands versus Gourry Gabriev!  
The swordsmen duel!" ????? said.
	The camera stayed focused on ????? and C-chan.
	"Cut to the ring, darn it!" C-chan told the camera-person.
	????? pulled out a phone and began dialing...

Sadly, since Juri is at ringside, all ????? is getting is whoever answers 
the phone at the dorm while the sempais are away....

Keiichiko:  Yeah, that's right, they stuck me here without any food 
*again*...And when I try to call out all I get is a recording, "The 
Goddess Relief Office is happy to take your call, but all operators are 
busy..."
 > > 	 ******	 ******	 ******	 ******	 ****** > 

	One might've expected Skyler Sands to have an impressive entrance.  Then 
again, his fans knew better.  As Eriko Tamura's "Please Smile for Me" song 

Skyler:  I have fans?


This is the main idol singer's theme from "Legendary Idol Eriko".  Think 
saccharine and soft.

played on the speakers, Skyler Sands entered via the blue doors and walked 
casually down the ring with Juri Arisugawa following closely behind.  Juri 
looked rather bored.  Skyler entered the ring and adjusted his crossbow.  He 
drew his fencing sword and got ready for the duel.
	"Karma Chameleon" by the Culture Club began playing as Gourry Gabriev, 
Sylphiel and Lina Inverse walked down to the ring.  Gourry leapt into the 
ring and Skyler began sweating at the sheer size of Gourry.

eek.

	Skyler put his sword away and drew his crossbow.  It was his only chance at 
victory.  He prayed he could win.  Meanwhile, behind him, Juri was reading a 
rather large philosophy tome.
	"FIGHT!" Vincent yelled before helping Cid and Barrett teach Shao Khan a 
lesson or tweleve.  Robo had actually made a sign proclaiming rather 

"twelve"

prominently, "I don't care what happens to Shao Khan or anyone else.  I 
don't get paid enough to do that!"
	Skyler lifted his crossbow and fired.  Gourry dodged the crossbow shot and 
charged.  However, the quarrel wasn't going to be stopped by merely missing. 
  It bounced off of the barriers that protected the crowd.  It bounced 
around the arena fifteen times before heading back to the ring to seemingly 
kill Skyler who was about to become two Skylers as Gourry was about to chop 
him in half.  Then, Juri said something that would change everything, 
"Duck."
	Skyler heard Juri and ducked down just in time to feel the quarrel russle 

"rustle" or "muss", probably.

his hair and hit Gourry in the stomach.  Gourry dropped his sword and he 
stumbled backwards.  Skyler, seeing his chance grabbed his foil and stabbed 
Gourry through the chest.  Gourry collapsed backwards,  stunned that someone 
like Skyler had beaten him.
	[Then again,] Gourry thought, [that old green monkey who lived in that 
swamp told me that size doesn't matter.]
	Skyler knelt down and thanked the gods that be that he had won.

Just the one actually...

Skyler: (to Juri) For some reason I had a scene from "The Empire Strikes 
Back" running through my head.  Must be all this Phantom Menace hype.
 > 

	******	******	******	******	******

	Up in the tower, C-chan and ????? were staring wide-eyed at the scene.  
Gourry Gabriev, swordsman extraordinaire, had been beaten by Skyler Sands.
	"Was it his shoes?  His escort?  His luck?!" C-chan.
	"It's GOTTA be the crossbow." ????? said.
	"Heeeey!  On the butt of the crossbow, the words 'Nike' are written in 
German!" C-chan said, looking through a pair of binoculars.

Skyler:  Um, no, that's "Made in Japan."

	"Well, we'll be back again in the future for Round 3, but again, don't hold 
your breath." ????? said.
	"Yeah, these things are hard to write, no da." C-chan commented.

Quite understood.


SKJAM!