Liath Shadow <ShadowChan@cybergal.com> wrote:

"Turn it off" I said.  I've seen enough.

off," (punctuation)

"You can no more turn it off then turn yourself off" my ungrateful student
replied.

off,"

Searching through my panties and scrolls, I happened to come across a
scroll that I have never seen before.  It caught my eye, just barely.

that I had never seen (past tense)

Well, actually it catches my hand.  I was reaching for the golden silk

it caught my

panties just underneath it when it...jumped into my hand.

Not that this doesn't happen on occasion...

didn't

but it kind of surprises me when

surprised

I see a rune on the sealing wax.

saw

A rune that starts glowing as soon as I touch it.

started, touched

Surprised, I broke the seal on the scroll, and open it.  Halfway through, I

opened

know what it is.  I hurried to collect everyone.

knew

And so on. You need to use a consistent tense throughout.

*** next day ***

Cologne, Shampoo, Ranma, Akane, Genma, and I all arrive at the top of the
hill described by the scroll.

Try to work scene context into the descriptions, rather than stating
them offhand. In this case it's easy: On the next day, Cologne,
Shampoo,...

"Are you sure today is the day, Happi?"

I nod, nearly cackling in glee, "yes, oh yes...today, here, it's all ready..."

"Yes, (capitalization)

Why'd Happy bother to bring the others? I'd think if he knew how to get
a wish, he wouldn't bother sharing it.

"State your wish, in accordance to the rules"   he states.

rules," and I'd use a different verb than 'stated' to avoid repetition.

Each of us steps up to him, and tells him our wish.  some he lets others
hear.  some he doesn't.

'Some' should be capitalized both times.

Cologne steps up.  I can't hear her wish.  at times I wish that I had taken
more of an interest in lip reading.

'At' should be capitalized. But there are better things to do with lips,
eh, Happy? :)

Shampoo steps up next.  hers I can hear very clearly indeed.  "Shampoo wish

Capitalize 'Hers'.

Ranma loved Shampoo as much as Shampoo loves Ranma."  I see a couple
shudders at that.

Geez, she can't be stupid enough to phrase it that way, can she?

Akane steps up, and again, I can't hear what is wished for.  The dragon-god
listens intently, and nods at what she asked for.  the first sign of him
recognizing a wish that I've seen so far.

Either capitalize 'the' in 'The first sign' or combine that part into
the previous sentence.

Genma steps up, and says, "I wish that I did not have to live through my
masters training."  Again the dragon nods.  Nothing is changing yet, so
something seems fishy...

That's another stupidly-worded one, though in his case it's believable.

Ranma stands up, and wishes, "I wish that I had the free choice to marry
who I wanted."  A smile of happiness, and one frown.

trained me in techniques that I haven't even seen my other father use.

brought me to people...martial artists...that taught me in still more
techniques.

I...I want this other father.

YAY! Nothing like Happy as a parent to make you appreciate Genma. With
all the anti-Genma fics these days, it's good to se something like this.

I didn't point out any capitalization errors in this part, as I wasn't
sure whether they were intentional. Check for 'em.

Also, switching between different first person narrators can be very
confusing for your readers. It's not a problem so far, but be careful
that the reader can always tell who's narrating.

I want to be loved.

*****

walking home with Kasumi, I remember the visions from my dreams.  Not much

Capitalize 'Walking'

This part was a little on the shoddy side, I know.  please C&C to your
hearts content. (although flames I prefer to be sent privately, instead of
to the list)

Well, no flames here so far. :) Normally, I don't care for fics where
Ranma is hyper-angsty; they usually make me want to slap him around and
tell him to stop being such a wuss. But I liked this one, maybe because
the extreme changes in his life made the angst believable.

I'll be interested to see where you go with this. Will Ranma find a way
to branch over into the "real" world, or will he only get visions of it.
I'd like to know more about Kasumi as the story unfolds -- what her
motivations are for helping Ranma.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html