HI,
very nice read. ^_^	
The one change IMO that would help is the addition  of
a control device of 
 some sort for Ranma-genie. As it stands now it seems
that anyone can make a wish
and if they are near Ranma-genie it comes true.
Thinking back to some 
of the original Arabian Nights stories,  part of the
tension came from who
had control of the lamp or ring. (The genie of the
lamp was the 
more powerful as I recall) I think that something of
this sort would add to the tension.
I think that you are writing the cursed pool as the
�containment' device and that
makes perfect sense. And the story overall is
charming. A nice story that I have
saved to my HD. However for some reason this lack of a
�lamp' or �ring'
is unsettling. Of course you may have already
addressed that in later chapers.
OR this may be a precursor for later plot development.
I can see possibilites
for chaos if people make careless wishes too close to
�Ranma-genie'.

"Tendou Akane, I wish you would date with me!" ^_^
I suppose it's my fondness for the �classics' that
makes me long for 
a magic lamp or ring. Perhaps an �engagement' ring for
Akane??? 
This give a device that can be lost or stolen (a la
the �Charlotte Cup')

In any event it is a marvelous story and I look
forward to the remaining chapters.

BTW I find it interesting that the Genie stories seem
fixated on the TV show "I dream of Genie" No one seems
to be using some of the old descriptions of Djin as
hideously destructive, short tempered creatures.
Remind you of someone? <BG> Oh well, I may finish that
one someday. (I was actually thinking of another
legendary creature (gaelic) but it could easily be a
Djin)

Some comments follow##

--- Gary Kleppe <kleppe@execpc.com> wrote:

	Here's part 1 of a new series. This has not been
pre-read;
please C&C generously, preferably to the FFML.


Prologue

	Once upon a time, a vast kingdom existed. Its lands
stretched
over enormous distances, bounded by desert and
mountains and ocean. An
old and wise monarch ruled with justice and
fairness, and was beloved by
all the people, or so say the legends.

	The djinn, or genies, were the bane of the kingdom.
They flitted
about from place to place, causing terrible chaos
and mischief with
their magics. So great was their power that none
could stand against it.

	The monarch of the land saw what the djinn were
doing, and knew
that they had to be stopped. One by one, the genies
were captured and
imprisoned so that they could cause no further harm
and disruption to
mankind.

	However, one djinn managed to escape every trap set
for it.
Magic lamps, bottles, rings -- none of them could
hold this genie. The
monarch assembled the finest scholars who could be
found and asked what
could be done, how the kingdom could be rid of this
troublesome spirit.
They had no answer.

	In desperation, the monarch traveled to the
mountains, where the
most knowledgeable sage in the kingdom was said to
live. The monarch
found the sage and asked what could be tried to
contain the djinn that
the most powerful devices in the land had failed to
hold.

	"Well," said the sage, "there might just be ONE
thing...."

##<BG> VERY NICE ending line.

##Nice set up, but just a trifle long IMO. It might be
better if shorter. 

                            I DREAM OF RANMA

             Ranma 1/2 Alternate Universe Manga
Fanfiction
                             by Gary Kleppe

                               Episode 1:
                  When You Wish Upon a Martial
Artist


	Once upon a much later time, a kingdom of sorts
existed called
the Tendo Dojo. Its ruler was not really all that
wise, but had a good
heart and generally meant well. He had three
daughters, the youngest of
whom was named Akane.

##Cute

	"I'm Akane." She smiled at the smaller girl. "You
want to be
friends?"

	The other girl -- Ranma, she'd said her name was --
nodded, with
gratitude in her eyes. She stood, and followed Akane
into the practice
hall. The air was humid and sticky following an
early rain shower, and
Akane's gi clung to her body as she walked.

	It'd been a weird morning. They'd been expecting a
boy and his
father, not a girl and a panda. Everyone had acted
disappointed, and
Ranma had seemed upset about it. Akane hoped a
little combat would take
her mind off it and make her feel better.

	Akane paused for a moment to stare at Ranma's odd
clothing. The
basic outfit was something akin to a two-piece
bikini. A vest partially
overlaid the top, and a pair of loose-fitting,
semitransparent pants
covered the bottom. Shiny bracelets adorned her
wrists and ankles. It
certainly wasn't what Akane had expected from
someone who practiced
fighting. Then again, she'd seen and heard of some
pretty weird styles;
a school of Martial Arts Belly-dancing wouldn't be
that hard to believe.

##OK, I like it in spite of myself.(it's the costume)
I'm not sure why Ranma is still in 'Genie' costume.
Just thinking about Genma. I'm not sure why he
wouldn't keep it too himself. He doesn't seem the type
to share. I'd think he would keep it a secret and the
Genie part would come out by accident.

	"You do karate, don't you?" Akane asked.

	"A little."

	The door slid open, and they stepped onto the
slatted wooden
floor of the dojo. "Then let's have a little match,
okay?"

	"Huh?"

	"Just for fun." Akane took up a combat stance, feet
widely
apart. "Don't worry. I won't hurt you. I'm not the
greatest martial
artist in the world, no matter how much I wish I
were." 

##Again, I am probably too influenced by the
manga/anime. However this seems a little awkward, even
allowing for that.  IMO it makes more sense to have
Akane fighting/Ranma dodging and Akane "I wish I could
hit you" or  "I wish I could show you that I'm a
martial artist, as good as you are." 

Ranma seemed to

pale a bit at those last words. Strange, Akane
thought; wasn't there any
way to build up this girl's confidence? Oh well, it
was something she
would have to work on.

##I like the concept but it seems a little
undeveloped. Perhaps more from the first meeting to
show Ranma's lack of confidence or unease. 

	Ranma bowed slightly, and stood with her legs
together and her
hands behind her back. She obviously wasn't going to
make the first
move. Akane charged forward, her fists tightly
clenched. Ranma waited
for her approach.

	Akane lashed out with a fist, and time seemed to go
into slow
motion. Her senses flared into an alertness at a
level she'd never
before experienced. She was aware of every minute
motion, even every
drop of sweat on Ranma's body. The muted thumping of
Ranma's heartbeat
quickened as her eyes tilted slightly upwards. She
was about to try to
leap over Akane's strike. That was as obvious to
Akane as if there had
been a six-foot sign announcing it.

	The fist's direction adjusted slightly, it struck
Ranma's chest
in exactly the right spot. She went limp as she
crashed into the wooden
wall, then slumped to the ground like a child going
down a slide.

	Akane stared at her opponent, who was gasping for
breath. *How
the hell did I do that?* Not only had she easily hit
the fastest
opponent she'd ever faced,

##How does she know Ranma's fast? This is their first
fight. The first blow in fact.

 but she'd known exactly

where and how to hit
so that Ranma would be unable to keep fighting, but
wouldn't sustain any
lasting injury.

	Akane reached out a hand, and helped Ranma to her
feet. "Sorry
about that." Why did she have to waste such a great
strike fighting
Ranma -- who she had been trying to cheer up? Why
couldn't it happen
against Kuno, or one of the other blowhards at
school? The ones who
*deserved* this kind of beating?

##Nice.

 "I'm not usually

that good. Really."

##Again, this seems unnatural. The apology is fine and
expected. I'm not sure about the 'I'm not usually that
good." Perhaps a "Wow. I've never been able to do that
before. I wonder where that came from." sort of
reaction, to show her amazement. You've already set
that up with her internal dialogue. A verbalization
would be a natural extension. 

	"Yeah." Ranma nodded. "Believe me, I understand."
The girls
exchanged awkward smiles and nervous laughter.

	"I'm really sorry." Akane was making a fool out of
herself,
practically falling over herself to apologize, but
she didn't know what
else to say.

##I don't see that it's foolish to apologize, esp.
when you've just knocked a guest arse over teakettle. 

	"Don't worry about it. It wasn't your fault. It
was...." Ranma's
gaze seemed to lose focus for a moment, then
returned. "It wasn't your
fault."

	"You know, I've always wanted to do that well
against some of
the adolescent idiots at our school. I'm sorry I had
to waste a pounding

=== message truncated ===
##Hmmm. Well, the e-mail cut's off the reply at this
point.
I will just add that while the "I wish I had a big
mallet" is cute the "Now that he had coming" line
seems out of place. At that point Ranma and Akane 
each seem to be holding their own in their argument.
I'm not sure Ranma deserved
to be hammered(at this point). The entire scene seemed
forced. Again, this may be my personal prejudice. I
think the entire story is wonderful and does not need
this. OTOH I have no objection to Ranma getting
clobbered. I'd just like a different set-up. One more
in keeping with the rest of the story. In fact I
thought there was a perfect set-up when Akane said she
wished Ranma would learn what a jerk he was. (I'm
quoting from memory so I may be off a little.) THIS
(IMO) seems a perfect opportunity for Ranma to be
hoist with his own petard. He get's exactly what he
deserves and it avoids the hammer and the �Now that he
had coming to him' Plus, it stays with the overall
magic wishes theme.

I like this very much. This is the sort of story I
consider a 'good read', irrespective of minor points.
I'm looking forward to the rest.
^_^


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