Jed Bidwell <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net> wrote:

<SNIP>

	Once upon a time, a vast kingdom existed. Its lands stretched

       Are you sure you want to begin it on that note?

Um... any reason I shouldn't?

	It'd been a weird morning. They'd been expecting a boy and his

       You may want to stretch that out to "It had". As it stands now the
sentence sounds a bit funny.

Will consider.

       Martial Arts Belly-Dancing? BWAHAHAHAHA! That's just TOO weird, even
for Ranma...

Well, they've had ice-skating, cheerleading, calligraphy, take-out food
delivery, tea ceremony....

	"Just for fun." Akane took up a combat stance, feet widely

       You may want to change the end of the sentence to: "...,feet spread
wide.".

Sounds good.

quickened as her eyes tilted slightly upwards. She was about to try to
leap over Akane's strike. That was as obvious to Akane as if there had
been a six-foot sign announcing it.

       Akane's a telepath? 

Not quite. :)

<SNIP>

	"I'm really sorry." Akane was making a fool out of herself,
practically falling over herself to apologize, but she didn't know what
else to say.

       You've got "herself" twice in that sentence.

Ah. Will take one of 'em out.

	"How could you take Ranma to such a place?" Kasumi scolded. "A
parent ought to be more responsible!"

       This may be just a minor thing, but I don't think Kasumi would scold
Genma like that.

She did it in the canon; volume 1, part 2. It's also an important
precursor to something she does at the beginning of the next part of
this fic. :)

<SNIP>

second time that day, Ranma landed with a splash in the pond.

       Second time? When was the first?

You're to assume this happened between where Akane yells "Daaaad!" and
when Genma says "That's the story." There's an implied scene where Genma
demonstrates the curses that I didn't think was worth showing.

	"Forget it." Ranma waved a hand dismissively. "No offense, Mr.
Tendo, but I ain't gettin' married to nobody."

       Uh... when was the news broken to Ranma?

In some earlier scene that I didn't show.

       All in all, this is a rather interesting fic. It's well written, and
the jokes are right funny. The image of Girl Ranma dressed in that genie
getup is still one I'm laughing at.

I drew a picture of him in it that'll be on my web site at some point.

On that note, you could make Ranma's
disgust at her costume a bit more evident. Self-consciously covering herself
without even realizing it or something like that.

Good idea.

       Well, that's my two cents worth. Waiting for the next chapter!

Thanks for the feedback!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html