Okay, I just reread the first two chapters, so let's see what I can do with
this.


Christopher Angel wrote:

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Mirai Muyo!
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3 - Girls, Girls, Girls...

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    (snip)

"Hououji Fuu, Ryuuzaki Umi, Shidou Hikaru.  The recently-renamed Girl's
Combat Club, and in our class.  You should know this, stupid, you dated Umi
once," the short, pudgy teen helpfully supplied, and then chuckled.  "I SO
prefered their old name.  'F-cubed' just had a ring to it."

    In chapter two, the Rayearth girls were just deciding to form the club and
were discussing names during Phys Ed.  They never actually adopted the F-cubed
name; Ryoko told them what it meant.  Basically, the club is just being formed,
the name "GCC" is the first one they've agreed on, and it all happened within
the last hour in story time.  There is NO WAY Kuroguma or Kanshiki could know
about this, much less be treating it as past history!

    (snip)

"Ryoko-chan," Hikaru said seriously, "you have to be your own person too.
Why would Tenchi-kun get mad at you for going out with some friends?"

*Because I'm a space pirate with the power to blow up the planet several
times over?  Because he's the only friend I have who's even close to me in
maturity?* Ryoko answered silently.  "But he's...," she began, and was cut
off as she heard Tenchi calling her.

    Other than Sasami, he's the only friend she has, period.  Levels of maturity
don't enter into the picture... although with the way she's often acted in the
series, that may be an insult to Tenchi!

    (snip)

    (snip)

Ryoko felt her temper rise.  "Teeenchiiii," she whined, "I PROMISED.  Why
won't you trust me?"

Catching himself before he snapped the obvious answer, Tenchi considered
that.  *She did promise,* he allowed.  He recalled the conversation they had
that morning and felt a bit disgusted with himself.  *Here she is, making
friends, and I'm being a jerk and making it difficult for her.*  Tenchi
sighed, and decided to stop his resistance.  "Do you have any money?" he
said resignedly.  He blinked as Ryoko reached into her bag and pulled out
the small purse Washu had given her.  "Fine," he sighed, shaking his head.
"Just stay out of trouble, please?"

    Tenchi's line "she did promise" seems out of place.  It sounds like the sort
of thing a person who had been there and witnessed the conversation would say.
Since he was not part of the girls' conversation, would he really say that?

    (snip)

"Hai, I really did!" she replied enthusastically, and then reeled as a
sudden spell of dizziness hit her.  She looked around in a bewildered
fashion, and then stormed over to Washu, picked her mother up by the shirt
and growled into her face, "What did you DO to me?"

    If all Washuu did was give Ryoko a sedative, why this time bomb reaction to
it?  Wouldn't it just wear off slowly, leaving Ryoko wondering why, on
reflection, she'd been so calm all day?  To be quite frank, a "sudden spell of
dizziness" that goes away just as suddenly sounds like a cop-out, not a genuine
plot revelation.

    (snip)

The door slid open, revealing a beaming Sasami, who mimed talking into a
microphone as she announced  "And now we present, for your viewing
pleasure," she made a sweeping wave at the door, "Ayeka!"

Tenchi gaped at the door as Ayeka made her appearance, and a sinking feeling
pervaded his soul when he saw the school uniform.  *Kuso.  This is not
good.*  He stood, a mite unshaky on his feet and walked over to look closer
at Ayeka.  He glared at her for a good thrity seconds, as the princess
smiled at him and waited demurely while he inspected her.  "Why?"

"Nani?" Sasami demanded.  "What's wrong Tenchi-niichan?"

"Give me one good reason," he insisted, "why you did this.  Why do you want
to come to school?"

"Because someone has to keep an eye on that bakemono and protect you from
her!" Ayeka shouted.  "The only reason she's gone to school is so that she
can work her ways on you!"

"Ryoko and I had very little to do with each other," Tenchi responded
evenly.  "She spent her day with her new friends."  He turned and went back
to his desk, shaking his head.  "Please, Ayeka.  I just wanted a nice, calm,
senior year in school, without all the insanity that happens around here.
Ryoko seems to want the same thing, and I'm giving her the benefit of the
doubt until she proves me wrong.  I can't stop you, Ayeka, but I'm asking
you: PLEASE don't make trouble."  He picked up his pencil and began working
on his homework.  "I've got to finish these problems. Goodnight, Ayeka,
Sasami.  Please close the door on your way out."

Stunned, Ayeka just stood there, and Sasami had to physically drag her out
of the room.  "Tenchi-niichan, you meanie!" Sasami yelled as she slammed his
door shut so hard it nearly left the tracks.

    Something about this scene bothers me.  It isn't Ayeka; this is a perfect
take on her trying to counter what she views as a plot by Ryoko.  I think it may
be Sasami.  Sasami's personality usually seems more mature than Ayeka's.  She is
given to practical jokes now and then, but once she came to care for Tenchi
herself, she stopped directing them at him.  It just seems to me that she would
be more hesitant about helping Ayeka with this.  She's being too inconsiderate
of Tenchi's feelings.  How to put it... she's acting like a typical nine year
old girl, not like the nine year old girl with 700 years experience she really
is.  (I always get confused about the actual age she is, BTW.)

    Also, Tenchi does seem awfully cold in ordering them out of his room.  It
wouldn't be too much of a stretch to read that last line as a polite form of
"get out and don't let the door hit you in the ass as you leave".  I find it
kind of hard to imagine Tenchi saying something that unfeeling to Sasami so
deliberately.  He might act something like that way to Ayeka, if he were
frustrated, but as much as he loves all of the girls, would he brush any of them
off so cruelly without more provocation?  Even if you sort of let on that it was
an act in the next paragraph?

    Well, that's about all I was able to find to nitpick.  Hope this helps!

Ja ne,
LarryF