On Tue, 1 Jun 1999, Gary Kleppe wrote:

                            HEARTS AND MINDS
                               PART THREE

	Righto.  A bit late, maybe (punctuality has never been a strong
point of mine), but have a few comments...
 

	The door clattered shut behind him. Saying nothing, he stepped
over to the bed and leaned his face toward hers. She closed her eyes,
tilted her head, and their lips met. When she pulled back and opened her
eyes, Ranma was male.

	I have to admit to being a little dissapointed at that.  The curse
is such an integral part of Ranma 1/2 that I always hate seeing it being
dealt out of the storyline.  but I assume this is going to figure into the
plot in some way (other than just removing the disadvantage of changing
form during a fight), so it's a minor gripe...
 

be solved just like that... it still seemed unreal. At least this meant
that her idea about the Jusenkyo evil spirit had to be wrong. A powerful
entity like that wouldn't just let Ranma be cured by Kasumi.
	Or would it? Maybe the spirit of Jusenkyo was protecting the

[. . .]

	Akane steadied herself. It was a frightening thought, but she
really had no reason to believe it. There was no dark god of Jusenkyo or
anything like that. Probably. But what if there was? Kasumi with one of
those curses... that was unthinkable. She needed to be kept away from
the springs, because of what might happen to her. No matter what,
Akane had to make sure her sister didn't go there.

	Only problem I have with this sequence is that it reads like a
heavy-handed piece of foreshadowing.  I don't know if it is or not, but
it's a rather intense bit of thinking which, considering Akane's past
dealings with the pools and her little knowledge of them, may not really
be justified.
 

	He stared at her for a moment, as if trying to see through her.
Then he sighed. "I really hoped you could have helped us avoid taking
more unpleasant measures. On to other matters. Are you familiar with an
item called Linghunbao?"

	That whazzit?  Is this an item of your creation, or was it
mentioned in the manga (of which I've read very little)?
 

	"Dude, it's a partner game," Ranma replied. "If you get killed,
chances are so do I."

	Cute sequence, nice ending line.  
 

	Ryoga opened up a book and started to read. The bus door thumped
closed, and the vehicle pulled out onto the road. As Ranma stared at the
scenery, a foul, stale odor assaulted his nose. He looked to see that
many of the locals had started smoking cigarettes. The smell was
unpleasant, but he could endure it for the next few hours.

	Why the sudden attention to that detail?  It's not bad, but it
does sort of just pop up...
 

	"Forget it, old man! I ain't doin' this junk no more!"

	Nice to see Genma occasionaly treated as something other than a
buffoon.  Who'd a thought wisdom could come from a panda?
  

	"You scared, Pop?" Ranma eyed his father with a look that
approached contempt. "Don't worry. We'll find you a nice hole to hide in
until this is all over."

	That's pretty sharp, coming from Ranma.  I don't fully remember
the preludes, but did they have a falling out?  Sure, Ranma doesn't have
much respect for Genma, but that sounds rather bitter...
 

	Nabiki strolled up to the village entrance. Two guards stood on
duty. "Halt!" one of them called out at her.
	"Evening, boys." She did her best to exude the kind of sleazy
confidence that streetwise people had, in spite of the two AK-47s
pointed in her direction. "How's guard duty tonight?"

[. . .] 

	The new arrival was a little older than the guards, with a few
more decorations on his uniform. "Carry on with guard duty, private." He
glanced at the photos. "I'll handle this situation. Personally."

	I've got a problem with this scenario - not that the soldier's
might so easily break rank like that, but that they might not be somewhat
suspicious when a female Japanese pimp strolls out of nowhere and offers
up a couple of prostitutes.  It is a rather remote Chinese village, after
all.
	Also, if once they knock the officer out, it's that easy to sneak
him out -- wouldn't it have been just as easy to get in without the whole
prostitute charade?

	Yes, Batachikhan hated them for making him leave his home. By
rights, he was supposed to be there looking after Tikhtamysh. And Alagh
had just had his tenth birthday, without Daddy there, all because of the
damn 'Amazons.' So if he wanted to have a little pleasure with a local
girl once, that was his business. It was a lot less than they owed him.

	I like the fact that you offer up at least a little humanity to
the invading army -- show that they've got families and such waiting for
them, that they're not complete monsters.  Of course, this guy kinda
shoots his credibility out the window (no guilt over cheating on a likely
wife?).
  

	She turned and and walked away. Ranma stood as rage built inside
him. He wanted to smash something. But he wasn't sure who he ought to be
angry at.

	Obviously, this is an issue you want to address in teh series.  I
hope you come back to it again, soon -- here, it feels like it's dealt
with a bit quickly.

***

Well, that's pretty much all the comments I have to offer up at tyhe
moment.  Still worried about the size of the ensemble cast -- with so many
people, some characters are bound to get the shaft, while those you -do-
focus on risk not getting the full attention they perhaps deserve.  But if
you can pull it off -- great!
Later!
-Mike Noakes

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