Hi!
    First off, to answer your question, I think the second version is
better.  You seem to have plotted it out more, for one thing.  The narrative
format in the first version doesn't work very well.  It isn't as immediate
or personal.  For this kind of story, it hits harder if you're living it
through the character.  For that reason, I'm going to skip the first part.
This may sound a little harsh in places, but that isn't intentional.
Besides, you asked for it!

Lone Wolf wrote:

  I look and see a sign that I've seen only a few times before.
Furinkan High School. Where I found Ranma, where I fought that
coward who destroyed my life, and where I first saw Akane.

    Does Ryouga really think of Ranma as a coward?  That sounds more like
something Kuno would say.  Ryouga has been with Ranma on too many adventures
not to respect his courage, even with the question of liking him set aside.
Also, he shows up at Furinken often enough that the sign wouldn't be strange
to him.

 Oh Akane. What Gods cursed us both, you to have been ensnared
in a betrothal to Saotome, and I to be unable to speak my love
of you. I look away from the sign and see her. My heart threatens
to explode from the joy. Then I see the tears.

    The first sentence is a little confusing.  First off, it's a question,
so it needs a question mark.  Second, you've set up the commas to integrate
two thoughts.  If you were to read each part separately, you get: "What Gods
cursed us both and I to be unable to speak my love of you?" and "You to have
been ensnared in a betrothal to Saotome?".  That is awkward at best.  I
suggest a bit of rewording, so that it flows more smoothly.  For example:
"What Gods cursed us both? You were ensnared in a betrothal to Saotome, and
I am unable to speak my love for you!"
    Also, if he is lamenting his inability to get anywhere with her, why is
he feeling joyous a heartbeat later?  A trademark of Ryouga is that when
he's depressed, he's REALLY depressed... so much so that he was able to turn
it into a martial art.

  "Akane? What's wrong?"
  "Ranma, why couldn't you at least try to taste it?" she looks at
me as though just realizing that I was here. She sniffles, before
greeting me. "Hi, Ryoga. What did you say?"
  I run from her, anger and disgust for Saotome burning through my
mind. How DARE he! How COULD he! Akane's food is like Manna from
heaven! He will PAY!

    Um, not even Ryouga would think that Akane is a good cook.  He's never
going to say so, but I can't see anyone who's ever tasted it _thinking_ to
him- or herself that the food is good.  He'd be more likely to be pissed
because Ranma dares to disappoint her by not eating it anyway.  Ryouga HAS
forced himself to down the awful stuff for just that reason.  (Of course, so
has Ranma, but poor Ranma has to fend it off a lot more often than Ryouga!)

  Somehow, when ever my anger gets the best of me, my sense of
direction is vastly improved. I see Saotome and run at him screaming,
"HOW DARE YOU SAOTOME!"

    Not true, in the comics.  It never seems to matter how ticked off he is,
just facing in the wrong direction when he starts his feet moving is enough
to get him lost.  He is able to track Ranma by sight, so that part is
correct.

  He dodges my kick, and sidesteps my punch before saying in that
maddening tone of his, "Oh great. What did I do now P-Chan?"
 My anger just shoots up. For a moment, all I see is red. "STOP
CALLING ME P-CHAN!!!" I attack again. Very sloppy, even through
my rage I can tell. Sometimes, I wonder if this is a technique
of Ranma's.

    (snicker).  He's only now figuring THAT out?

  He dodges effortlessly, then repeats his question. "So what blew ya
up this time Ryoga?"
  I swing with my umbrella while shouting, "Akane spent a full day on
that lunch! How dare you not eat it!" At least, I think it was a full
day.

    How does he know that?  You didn't foreshadow it.  As far as I can tell
from the first part of the story, he just got there and met them on the way
to school.  Secondly, if they are on their way to school, why is it being
called lunch?  Wouldn't it be breakfast instead?

  He makes a sick face. "Hey, when something starts quoting
Shakespeare and waving a toothpick at me, I don't eat it, P-Chan."
And of course, I see red again.
  "I SAID STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!" This time, the hallucination is
more pronounced. Ranma seems to be all around, taunting me from every
side. I scream bloody murder and jab at the ground, unconsciously using
the breaking point. Oddly enough, it seems to work. Then a sound that
I have heard often before breaks my rage. I find that I'm in mid-swing
at Saotome, but this stops me like a... well, like nothing has.

    Hallucination?  This is another statement that is not foreshadowed.  In
the earlier description, he's just "seeing red".  Next, WHY would gunfire be
a familiar sound to Ryouga?  There is no reason for that!

   A gunshot. Here, in Japan. In Nermia. In Furinkan High. One thought
immediately grabs my attention. AKANE IS HERE! I take off in what I hope
is the direction I came from, trying to get to Akane, to keep her from
harm.

    I guess this is the time to point out that your placement of the
characters is very vague.  At first, all three are together.  Next, Ryouga
runs off, away from Akane (and presumably from Ranma, because he was with
her).  Next thing we know, Ryouga is seeing Ranma ahead of him, and
charges.  Akane is seems to have somehow gotten ahead of them BOTH, and is
now at the school.  Yeesh, I'm lost even worse than Ryouga!

  Behind me I hear Ranma shout that I'll get lost, but I don't care. If
I can find Akane, and get her to safety, then I can end up in the
Bermuda Triangle again. Just as long as she's safe.

    Oh? Akane would be safe if he took her to the Bermuda Triangle?  I think
I understand what you really meant, but this is easily confused.

  I stop and look at my surroundings. Walls? Students? Teachers? Akane
wasn't... "rrrRAGH!"

    Let's see... he ran to the school, and found himself inside.  Check.  So
why is he yelling?

I punch a locker, leaving a rather large hole
where it used to be. Fine. The gunshots seemed to be coming from
inside the school, anyway. So I just find the shooters, beat them,
and take them to jail.

    Hehee... jail in what prefecture? ^_^

A little voice then pipes up, then Akane will
be proud of you and Ranma will have to admit that you're the better
man for her and... I push it away. Focus. Heroics first, good stuff
later.
  I feel an arm on my shoulder, and hear Ranma's voice.
  "Ryoga," he says, "I know that you're still mad about Akane's lunch,
but this is more important. Some students have guns here and are
shootin' everything they see! I need your help to stop 'em."

    How did Ranma find out?  You should add a line for Ranma, where he says
that he asked, or something.  Remember, he just got there too.

  Visions of that utopia I just saw shatter like glass. I want to
say: no, Ranma. I'll handle this. You go run away. Or even: make
sure Akane is safe, Saotome. And then go run off in search of the bad
guys. But I need his help. Without him to help me, I'll probably get
lost in the bathroom again. Okay, so I adjust my plan slightly. Ranma
will lead me to the shooters, and then I save his life and get Akane.
Yeah. That'll work. Then I remember Kirin.

    _I_ don't remember Kirin.  That reference is too cryptic; explain it
just a little.  Wasn't Kirin the leader of the Seven Lucky Gods?  What about
that adventure applies here?

  I look Ranma in the eye, say, "Fine, Ranma." and think, you'd better
not use me as a springboard again, Ranma...

    Or are you talking about Ranma bouncing off Ryouga's head to get up to
the airship?  Even so, this reference is vague.

  He smiles. Funny how that makes his eyes seem smaller. I turn away
and grab a student. "Where are they?"
  He takes the hint and points down the hall. I set him down and run
after Saotome. How like him to try and take all the credit. Well not
this time!

    Ranma took off?  When?

  As we reach the corner, we turn to see a small girl in a yellow
dress. Ranma kneels down next to her, checks her pulse and closes
her eyes. I clench my fists. How could someone do this! They would
pay!

    You mentioned Miss Hinako getting shot in the first version, but not in
this one.  Please expand this a bit to make it clearer!

  Saotome looks up toward the stairs and runs up to them. The second
I hear the next rounds go off I know why, they're up a floor. I
race after him. Damn you Ranma! You won't keep me from my dreams
this time!

    Yup, I dream of getting my a$$ blown off all the time...

  We run up the stairs as hordes of students come running down them.
I loose sight of Ranma. I eventually push my way up to the third
floor. Damn you Ranma! Where are you? I need you so I can get
Akane!

    That's "lose", not "loose".  "Loose" means "not tight".

  I look up at a door sign. 310. Remember, the stairs are in front
of Room 310. I look around. Now, where is Ranma? Damn! No gunshots
means I can't find the shooters! And if I can't find the shooters...
Suddenly I feel like breaking something. Instead, I run around the
floor trying to find anyone. I end up running into Ranma, some girl
with a Spatula... Ukyou?, and Akane!

    "spatula"
    Also, Ukyou wears a boy's uniform to school.  Ryouga probably wouldn't
immediately identify her as a girl, if he didn't know who she was right off.

  I begin to yell at Ranma for bringing Akane here to, most likely
keep me from succeeding in some way, but then I hear him say, "Akane,
I still think you should go back down. Let Ryoga, Uk-chan and me
handle it."

    I'm still trying to figure out how Akane got to school ahead of them.
Teleportation?

  "No way, Ranma! I'm a martial artist too. I'm not going to stand
on the sidelines while you do all the work. It's my duty to help
others!"
  "Akane, I agree with Ranma," Who said that? Me? How did
that happen? "All the martial arts in the world won't stop a bullet
and I'd hate to-" she cuts me off.

    I don't think he'd be wondering about agreeing with Ranma.  Protecting
Akane is one thing they CAN agree on.

  "No. I'm staying to help and that's final." she looks at us with
that look that says 'I don't care. I'm going to do it.' Even Ranma
isn't dumb enough to argue with THAT look.
  We hear gunshots from a room in the southeast side. Quickly,
we run to it. We hear voices from room 302, and quietly sneak in.
I'm amazed Ukyou can move so quietly with all those spatulas. The
three shooters have seven hostages. One I recognize as Tatwaki
Kuno, who's crazy even for Nermia. Then there's one of Ranma's
friends, some nutcase in a Hawaiian shirt, a girl I've seen Akane
talk to a lot, and three others  I don't recognize.
  Our plan is simple. Get to the gunmen, get their guns away from them
and throw them to the police. We split up, to surround them. Then
one of the gunmen, actually a gunwomen, begins to turn. Akane is nearly
in her sight! A hostage sees this and acts before I can. He finishes
a sentence for them. Quickly all three turn to face him and nearly
jump out of their pants. Ukyou is right behind the hostage.

    How the heck can they surround the bad guys without being seen?  They
are inside a classroom.  Just walking in the door should have been a tip
off!  Hikaru may be a wimp, but he isn't blind.  It would make more sense
for our heroes to try to rush them.

  Almost immediately they begin to fire. Then the gas canisters fly in
and release the blinding gas. This fight would've been over a lot
quicker if the police had waited. I shove a few people out the window
and into the pool below. I don't know if they have guns or not, but
it cleared out the room a bit.

    It would help to have a better description of the charge and of the tear
gas canisters crashing through the windows.

  A new sound is heard. A hissing, like a snake or... a gas pipe!
Four more people are out. I hear gunshots again, and the gas
lights. A great force, like a giant flaming hand punches me out
the window. I sail over the pool and into the tree. It's branches
claw at me as though the thing was alive and wanted me dead.
  Then I hit the ground. Oddly enough, there is no pain...
only... I'm so tired...

    Where is the gas coming from?  Is this supposed to be a chemistry lab?
If so, where is the description?  I think that you only mention that it is
room 302.

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--
 Ja ne,
 LarryF

http://home.earthlink.net/~lwf58