Okay, as with Vincent's C&C, any specific suggestions not addressed are
assumed to be totally correct, and thus being incorporated into the
final version.

--- Gary Kleppe <kleppe@execpc.com> wrote:

Freemage <freemage@yahoo.com> wrote:

    Ranma sighed.  "Okay, Akane.  If I explain to you
rationally why you have to let me do this on my own, will you
do it?"

    She smiled sweetly.  "Not a chance."

    "Aaarrrgghhh!!"

Nice scene. Very good handling of Akane.

Definitely a favorite of just about all the replies I've gotten.

    "You've never done it.  Not once.  All those times, and you
never once told me the engagement was over.  I broke it every
other week, but you just stuck it out, waited for the storms to
pass.

Actually, she's only broken it a couple of times.

True... but I'm allowing for a certain level of hyperbole.  Still, I
may alter it somewhat....  Possibly, "I called it off several times,
but...". (It would be reasonable to assume that at least some of the
time in the "gutters" of the OS resemble the time shown.)

 But if you really think I can't hack being part of your
life, then we'd be better off not engaged at all, right?  So if
you can do that, then I'll leave.  Otherwise," she paused, eyes
flashing, as prayers raced through her head with astounding
speed, "there's no way in Hell I'm going anywhere."

Isn't this one of your own pet peeves? You can't pause a line of
dialog.
The part about her pausing and the prayers racing should be a
seperate
sentence.

Ouch.  I'm putting that one up with the comma-splice Vincent caught....

   Ranma looked over the bar, impressed.  The thugs they had
been "speaking" with were being much more cooperative than the
when the duo had first entered--at least, those few who were
still conscious were, that is.

more cooperative then the what? Missing a noun, or the "the"
shouldn't
be there.

The "the" snuck in.  Curiously, this is the only redundant fix between
your and Vincent's C&C....

   "Hello?  Nerima PD?  Yes, I'd like to make an anonymous
report.  You see, there are these two horrible thugs trashing a
bar--the Happy Honeybee."

"Yes, they're martial artists. I-- hello? Hello??"

*Snicker*

BTW, there shouldn't be an ending quote in the paragraph above, as
the
same speaker continues in the beginning of the next paragraph.

Hmmm... I'll have to check the story.  I think I was trying to imply
that the person at the other end had said something we couldn't hear. 

   "Yes?" replied the girl behind the desk.  She was clad in the
usual Catholic school-girl outfit, and chewing gum in a bored
fashion.

Somehow I'd reword this... at first glance I thought she was clad in
chewing gum.

*Blinks* No, Gary... *points up* See?  It says "LIME".... ^_^  Your
point, however, is a good one.  I'll correct it.

   "Why, it's been... let's see, three years now, hasn't it,
Ai?"  The young girl, who had returned to the receptionist's
desk outside of Nabiki's notice, nodded vigorously.  "I must
admit, when you first contacted us, I thought your request
for--how was it you phrased it?  Oh yes, 'professional
distance', was a little odd, but we've had other shy donors, and
I was not about to turn down any source of funds."

Nice twist on Nabby's character. Very creative idea.

   At several points, Nabiki had to deflect questions as 'Emem'
tried to find out why and how such a young girl was providing so
much cash to their group, but the nun realized her reticence
fairly quickly and chose to respect it, at least as far as
Nabiki could tell.

But there's a story there, and you'll tell us eventually, right? :)

Oh, there's a story here alright.  I mean, Nabs follows the blackmail
payments to a... Catholic charity?   *Chuckle* Maybe this means the
Illuminati are a cover for the Knights Templar after all....

   Nabiki allowed herself a moment of satisfaction as the
sergeant led in Ranma and Akane, both looking very sheepish.  A
playful grin on her face, she drawled, "Well, well, imagine
running into you two here.  I can't wait to here this one."

hear

Oh, I guess you and Vincent both caught this one, too....

Hot Damn!!  It's out, it's done.  Lara, you can put away those sharp
knives, now.... ~_^

Now let's see--this means I'm supposed to start working on Chapter

23,

right?

Yep! We've still got a few knives left!

*Cringes* Yipe!  Uh, yessir!  Working very diligently, sir! ^_~

Anyway, it was a good read. A bit low on descriptions, but maybe
that's
intentional to give it a mysterious sort of feel. Hope it won't take
as
long for the next one. :)

Definitely not--I'm looking at one or two weeks, max.

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html

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