Stephen Ratliff wrote:

Part 10: Sunday Morning.

        He was just finishing his breakfast when he heard the front gate creaking
open.  Soun had spent quite some time making sure that gate made a noise.
He met his old friend Genma in the hall.

    It might help to pad this out a little.  Since this is early in the morning, it's
likely that Genma would ring the doorbell or announce himself somehow.

    The layout of the Tendo home is roughly L-shaped, and the dining table is in the
family room at the base of the L, with shoji doors that open into the hall and then to
the garden and Koi pond.  Either Genma would come into the house by the front door and
walk down the hall, or he'd walk around the house to the side yard and go to the
garden entrance.

    The front door is at the end of the long part of the L-shape, and the bath is at
the end of the short part.

    Also, the TV is in the family room too, so Soun would have to eat breakfast in the
kitchen to avoid disturbing Ranma and Akane.  The kitchen is halfway up the long part
of the L, on the right hand side if you are facing into the house from the front
door.  Soun would have a hard time hearing the gate from there, and it's nowhere near
the garden entrance.

        "Where is Ranma?" Genma asked.
        "He's sleeping in front of the television with Akane," Soun said.  "And
you aren't waking them up."
        "Why not?  Ranma needs to practice," Genma said, trying to get by.
        "Because my daughter needs her sleep," Soun said.  "Now how about a nice
game of Go until they wake up?"

        Ranma awoke to find Akane sleeping in his lap.  She looked so peaceful as
he pulled the arm that wasn't supporting her out from under the blanket.

    As a veteran girlfriend-holder, I can say with some authority that this would be
extremely painful.  He'd have woken up after an hour or so because of the loss of
circulation in his legs and the arm her weight was on.  This also contradicts what you
wrote in chapter 9:

    "This is subtitled, not dubbed, isn't it?" he asked, taking seat beside her.
    "Yes," Akane said, snuggling up against him.  "Just boxers?"
    "You said to put on what I wore to bed," Ranma said, placing his arm around her.
    By the end of the movie, both Ranma and Akane were asleep.  Soun discovered both
of them, and placed a blanket over them.

    At no point does she sit in his lap in this scene.

He brushed a couple of her dark strands of hair away from her face.  She
was so cute.  Her eyes began to open.
        Akane's first view that morning was of Ranma's face.  It was a handsome
face, and she felt she could get use to waking up to it.  She felt Ranma's
strong arm around her back, holding her up against him.  She felt his hand
caressing her hip.  "Good Morning," she said sleepily.

    Or is he just flexing the fingers to get some feeling back in them?  ^_^

        "Morning, Akane," Ranma said, then kissed her gently on the lips.
        "I guess you didn't get to try out the bed last night," Akane said.
        "Is that bed something special?" Ranma said.
        "It was my parents bed," Akane said, nuzzling up against him.   "Before my
mom got sick your room was where my parents slept.

    "Before my mom got sick, your room was where my parents slept."

        Ranma stood on the other side of the pond waiting for his father's attack.
 Would it by high or low?  Would he try a deliberate miss?

    "feint"

 Perhaps he's
just standing there waiting for me to attack?  Genma launched an attack.

    That's a bad transition from Ranma's impressions to Genma's action.  Either break
it into a different paragraph, or use words to separate the two ideas.
For example: "Perhaps he's waiting for me to make a move?  Yow!  He attacked!"

        "Nabiki, stop looking at him like that," Akane said.
        "Why not, you do," Nabiki said.
        Akane blushed.  "That's different, he's mine."

    "Why not?  You are."  Nabiki said.

        Soun was sitting at the table with the financial books spread out before
him, when Nabiki entered the room.

    "... with the household financial records..."

        "Nabiki, Ranma is your sister's future husband," Soun said.  "It would not
be proper to house him as anything other than a guest of the family."

    How about "... proper to treat him as anything other than a member of the family."
?

        "I know," Nabiki said.  "When do you want to start teaching again?"
        "How about next Monday?" Soun said.
        "It will take longer than that to recruit students," Nabiki said.

"Monday, two weeks, and how many classes?"

        "Start with one, then increase every month by one until I'm up to six,"
Soun said.  "It's how I started out."
        "Very well, I'll set out the ads," Nabiki said.

    My, that's optimistic.  Do they have a waiting list or something?  I find it a
little hard to believe that students are just going to fall out of the woodwork that
quickly.  We are probably talking about 10 to 20 students per class, so (LarryF takes
off shoes for higher math function) we are looking at up to 120 students.  Even over
the course of 6 months, that's an awful lot of paying customers to be so certain of.

        Nodoka Saotome found Akane in her room studying.  As she reached Akane's
open door, Akane looked up and shut her book.

    When did Nodoka show up?  She went home with Genma, didn't she?

        "Yes, Mrs.  Saotome?" Akane said.  "Kasumi said you had something you
wanted talk to me about."
        "Did she tell you what?" Nodoka asked.  "And please call me Auntie.  After
all, we're almost family."
        "Just that it had to do with my periods and that she had a hard time
talking about it, Auntie," Akane said.
        "It does," Nodoka began
        [If someone would like to help me with this scene or write it, contact me]

    Can't help you here!  I'm the wrong gender, too.



--
 Ja ne,
 LarryF

 http://home.earthlink.net/~lwf58
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