Gary Kleppe wrote:
I DREAM OF RANMA
Ranma 1/2 Manga Fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
Episode 3:
On the Horns of a Dilemma
"Oh, thank you, Mrs. Saotome!" Ranma gave a smile and a bubbly
laugh, though inwardly he wanted to scream. Until two days ago, he
hadn't even known that he *had* a mother. Not that he'd believed Pop's
story about him having been cloned; but he'd always figured that his mom
was dead or something.
"Not that he'd believed Pop's story about him having been cloned"? That
line's a little hard to swallow. I don't know why he'd ever believe
something like that, especially knowing his father's tendency towards
lying. Yet the way it's phrased, it sounds like Ranma considered it
seriously at one point.
And now here he was, together with his mother. But thanks to
some stupid promise Pop had made, he couldn't tell her that he was her
son. He had to pretend to be 'Ranko' so that she didn't kill him for
being unmanly. Maybe she wasn't really serious about making him honor
that agreement. But if he took a chance and was wrong, he wouldn't live
to take any other chances. So he had to keep up the act. For so many
years he'd had no idea what it was like to have a mother; now, he was so
close, and yet so far.
This paragraph is very choppy. You begin several sentences with the
words "but", "and", and "so", a practice that is usually thought of as bad
grammar. Most of these lines are so short that you could just use a comma
or semicolon instead of a period, and they'd work just fine. I'd also
suggest dropping the "and" in the first line, using "now" as the first
word. Here are some possibilities:
"Now here he was, together with his mother; but thanks to that stupid
promise..."
"Maybe she wasn't really serious about making him honor that agreement, but
if he was wrong, he wouldn't live long enough for a second chance. That's
why he was forced to keep up the act."
Akane handed her copy of the menu to the waitress. "I'll have
the beefbowl."
"Figures a tomboy like you would order something like that,
Akane," Ranma teased.
What's gender specific about gyudon? I know I'm not the only person to
notice this, but it is a valid point. Without a cultural reference, it
makes no sense for Ranma to insult Akane about this.
Akane waved a fist at him menacingly. The waitress turned to
Ranma. "And for you, ma'am?"
"I'll have the same thing. Make it a double order."
His mother pointed to something on the menu. "I'll have this
noodle dish, please."
Oh, come on! "This noodle dish"? Just say ramen, udon, or yakisoba (or
even chow mein; they could also serve Chinese food). We'll get the point.
"Yes, we did," Akane said. "I think... um... he likes the same
foods that Ranko likes."
"Yes, we have," as in "yes, we've eaten with Ranma".
"Did I tell you that I haven't seen him since he was a baby?
That it's been more than ten years?"
"Yes, you did," Ranma said. Several times, actually.
"Yes, you have,"
"I'm so sorry." Pulling out a handkerchief, she wiped a single
tear from her eye. "It seems as if I can't stop asking about Ranma. It's
just that... I miss him so much. Oh, how I wish my manly son were here!"
Using the word "manly" sounds stilted. It would be more natural to just
say " Oh, how I wish my son were here!". Since you don't capitalize on the
"manly" reference in this scene, there's no reason to include it.
"Er... you see, Mrs. Saotome...." Ranma fumbled for something to
say. "I wear special contact lenses. When I lose one of them, it's
*other people* who can't see *me* very well." Akane rolled her eyes.
Okay, so it wasn't a very good excuse; but it was the best he could
think of.
Ouch. For me, this joke fell flatter than last week's soda. It's way
too goofy an excuse; Nodoka would have to be a moron for it to work even for
a moment. I just can't suspend my disbelief.
"Oh dear." Ranma's mother pointed to his shoulder. There was a
big, sticky stain on the front of his shirt where Akane had poured the
soda. "Oh dear. Ranko, please let me buy you a new outfit after lunch."
She's a mother. She'd try getting it out with club soda first. (Great
stuff, club soda. A waiter spilled barbecue sauce on my shirt once, and
club soda got it right out, then and there.)
Ranma felt sickened. His mother was going to dress him up in
girl's clothes. Worse yet, Akane would see him that way. Then she'd
probably make fun of him for the rest of his life.
Actually, Akane's playing the game too, so she's setting him up. SHE'S
the one recommending the shop, after all. You should play up the sadistic
humor possibilities Akane would be seeing in this.
"Ranko, it isn't proper for a young lady to brawl." Ranma's
mother turned to Akane. "Do you have time to come with us?" she asked.
"You said that you wanted to visit the library after lunch."
"Brawl" doesn't sound right. How about "hit boys" or "get into fights"?
He followed his mother out of the changing stall. She handed
some money to the clerk, and got a paper receipt in return.
As opposed to metal, plastic or stone receipts?
"Why?" he repeated. The hat wobbled back and forth a bit on his
female body's small head.
That would only happen if it was sized for a man. This is a women's
apparel store, remember? If anything, Ranma might have a problem getting it
on over the horns! *Riiiip!*
*I'm dead,* Ranma thought as he stared at his image in the
bathroom mirror. The horns on his head marked him as a dead man. Woman.
Whatever. As soon as his mother saw them, she'd kill him for being an
oni. He wanted to scream. Couldn't he *ever* catch a break?
"Catch a break"? I'd have said "Why can't I ever seem to get a break?"
He turned around and saw a pair of girls standing behind him.
They looked to be about twelve years old. "Omigod!" The one in a Sailor
Moon t-shirt pointed at him. "Look at her head!"
"Are you dressed up for a play or something?" the other said.
She had on a sleeveless, pink dress.
"Hey, you wanna see a neat trick?" Ranma said to the girls. "I
can make these things disappear."
The one in the dress rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. All you have to do is say, 'I wish you didn't have
horns.'"
The T-shirt-wearing girl giggled. "I wish I didn't have horns."
"No! Say that you wish *I* didn't have horns!"
"You wish I didn't have horns." Both girls laughed.
"ARG!" Ranma took a breath to avoid blowing up. He had to keep
his cool if this was goign to work.
<typo> "going"
"Let me try it," the other girl said. "I wish you... were
horny." A storm of giggles erupted.
I agree with the other reviews you got. You really didn't play this as
well as you could have. This should have REALLY got him into trouble. For
one thing, how does he handle an irresistible desire to make out with every
reasonably attractive woman he sees, when he is in a woman's body? How does
he deal with the physical reactions he experiences as a turned-on woman?
While the heavy cloth of the dress he's wearing might disguise the symptoms,
HE will still be embarrassed as hell about how it feels! He should be
extremely self-conscious from here on!
Reaching into his kendo gi, he pulled out a cellular phone and
dialed a number.
Kuno does NOT wear a gi. The kendo uniform (or dogi) consists of a
cotton top called a keikogi and pleated skirt-like trousers are called
hakama. It's a simplification of the everyday clothing worn by samurai back
in the good old days.
"Greetings," he said into the phone. "I seek information of a
particular nature."
"peculiar nature"
"According to the information I have uncovered, it seems the
comely Ranko is possessed by a spirit known as an oni.
That sounds like he never heard of them before. Japanese children grow
up with stories about oni like we do with ghost and zombie stories.
"... it seems the comely Ranko has been possessed by the spirit of an oni."
Worse yet, he'd had to look away from all of the female sales
clerks, because of the thoughts that stupid wish kept putting in his
head. He tried keeping his mind on other things, but that didn't help.
Even running through martial arts attacks in his mind only made him
think of ways they could be adapted for other purposes.
This is way too mild a reaction. He should be darn near uncontrollable;
even if he had partial control of how the wishes were granted, his own
hormones would be working in concert with the wish against him... he IS a
teenager, after all.
For a moment Ranma stopped to think. His usual response to Kuno
was to boot him down the street and walk away. But Kuno was acting
different now. Instead of making advances on his 'pig-tailed girl,' he
was getting violent. This was a totally different situation.
Ranma booted Kuno down the street and walked away.
I see the joke, but it doesn't work here very well. This situation does
call for something extra from Ranma. For one thing, he should view this as
a way of working out his frustrations, both emotional and physical. By
rights, Kuno should have gotten the snot kicked out of him. For Ranma to
just punt him out of the way so calmly, when his day is going so badly, does
seem OOC.
He bounded up the stairs, arriving at the top just as Nabiki
came out of her room. Her t-shirt and shorts hugged her shapely body
tightly; it took all of Ranma's will-power not to stare.
Underplaying the wish again. Ranma should be wiping drool off his chin,
not controlling himself so tightly.
"Don't mind if I do, thank you," she said. "Sailor Ranma!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You... you didn't even get it right. The 'dumplings' are
supposed to be further back."
Usage note: "Farther back". Farther is used when distance is involved,
further is used in comparisons:
"How much farther do we have to go?"
"There will be no further behavior of this kind."
"Why'd you change your hair, Ranma? You wouldn't be hiding
something, would you?"
"Of course not! I just...." Ranma stepped past her towards his
room's door, not bothering to finish what would be a lame excuse. He
knew that he was never going to hear the end of this now. *Cute little
Sailor Ranma. The toughest martial artist ever to wear a dress in
Japan.* Whatever. At the moment, all he wanted was to change his clothes
and undo all the wishes that had been inflicted on him.
Why hasn't Nabiki said a thing about the dress? Her only comments are
about the hairstyle.
"Forget it." He didn't know what her game was, but she had
obviously thought it out in detail. The only safe thing for him to do
was not to play. "I'll just go use hot water."
"Let me know if you change your mind," she said, sounding not
the least bit disappointed. "The offer's always open!"
Is Ranma smarter this time around? That's a bum deal by any standards,
and it's a little hard to understand his going for it later, even given the
circumstances.
In his bedroom, Ranma quickly fixed his hair back to normal,
then took off his dress and hung it in the back of his closet. Throwing
on one of his regular outfits, he headed quickly over to the bathroom,
where he stripped naked. Without bothering to rinse with cold water
first, he dove straight for the tub, not wanting to know what perverted
thoughts that girl's wish would make him have about his own female body.
Still underplayed. He has a remarkable amount of control, yet this is
supposed to be a curse. In all this time since the "horny" wish was made,
it hasn't even inconvenienced him. If you're going to keep this idea in the
story, it needs a LOT of work.
"Ask Ranma about the new hairdo he had a little while ago,
Akane," Nabiki called from her room. "He wouldn't tell me why he was
wearing it. I think he might've been on the horns of a dilemma this
afternoon."
"Whaddaya mean by that?!" It sounded like she knew. But how
could she?
That IS too much. Kuno never mentioned Ranma's name on the phone, so
there's not much reason for Nabiki to be associating the call with Ranma's
appearance. It would have been more likely that she would see Ranma in a
nice dress and a new hairstyle, and been drawn up short by that alone. It
should have been such a shock that she'd never think of the phone call until
much later. The only way she could reasonably make the connection is if she
teased Ranma by grabbing one of the odango and realized that they aren't
supposed to have a hard, pointed core.
"All right, already," she said as she opened the door to her
bedroom. "I wish you were back the way you were earlier." Ranma glanced
to the side and saw his usual pigtail. "There. Happy now?"
Earlier is too undefined. Akane's intent was to change him back to his
appearance before she wished to see the hairstyle. The period where he
looked like that and had the horns was VERY brief. It was in the store, and
he went to the bathroom and changed his hairstyle within an estimate of 15
minutes or so.
Also, if he had changed back to the appearance when he had the horns,
then he would have also wound up back in the blue dress. Since Akane's wish
was only to see the odango hairstyle, it shouldn't have affected anything
else, horns included. The wish was "Awww, I bet it was adorable," she
teased. "I wish I could see what it looked like." Since the horns weren't
visible, the wish wouldn't return them.
That's a very longwinded way of saying that the scene is weak, and needs
more work! ^_^
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I was going to cook tonight's rice in
that."
Kasumi uses a rice cooker, not a pot.
--
Ja ne,
LarryF
http://home.earthlink.net/~lwf58
ICQ #: 42081372