Richard walked slowly towards the debriefing area, stroking his cheek.
This wasn't going to be fun.

"Lawson!"

Richard turned wearily, realizing that the non-fun part was going to
be starting sooner than he'd hoped.  He watched as Roy stormed up to
him.  He half-expected Roy to hit him or grab him, but Roy merely
loomed over him, glowering.

"I guess we're going to talk now," Richard said mildly.

"Damn straight."  Roy was almost grinding his teeth as he spoke.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

"Disabling the alien ships.  Preventing them from destroying the other
Veritechs or the SDF-1."

Roy shook his head.  "Those were not your orders.  You are here to
destroy the Enemy.  Destroy, not disable."

Richard cocked his head.  "There was no need.  I had a way to take
them out.  I did."

"It's not your place to question the *need*."  Roy practically
snarled.  "Those ships will be back.  Fully repaired and ready to kill
some of *my* pilots because you saw no need."

Richard snorted derisively.  "Roy, there are one hundred thousand
capital ships out there.  Millions of ostriches.  What difference are
the fifty or so that I disabled going to make?"

Roy didn't answer right away, just continued to glare at Richard.
Richard looked right back at him, waiting.

Finally Roy spoke up.  "Tell me, with this fancy ship of yours, in the
time it took you to disable those ships, how many could you have
destroyed?"

Richard shrugged.  "Probably more."

"And would less or our pilots have died if you'd destroyed more of the
Enemy ships?"

Richard swallowed heavily, feeling the weight of other eyes on him as
the pilots looked on.  "If the aliens come to understand that we don't
want to kill them, that all we want is to be left in peace, perhaps
even more lives can be saved."

Roy's voice, which had been loud and angry, grew softer and even
angrier.  "And who are you to decide that?  Who are you to say that
you're saving more lives than you're killing?"

That was enough.  Richard took a step forward, looking up at Roy,
their noses pointed at each other and separated by about six inches.
"I don't know if you saw, Roy, but I did everything I could to save as
many people as possible.  I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't stumbled
onto this universe that a lot more of 'your' pilots would be dead
right now.  So don't you DARE say that I'm killing people.  Ask these
people" - he gestured at the gathered pilots - "how many of them I
killed and how many of them I saved."

Richard bit down on more words he wanted to spew, instead contenting
himself with glaring angrily at Roy.  Roy glared back, not the least
bit mollified.

He did, however, take a step back.  "Richard, I'm going to let you off
this time.  Because you're right, you did save a lot of people.  But
I'm not sure I like your attitude, and I'm not at all certain that
it's not going to end up biting you in the ass.  And all of us as
well."

Richard lowered his head slightly to break eye contact.  Roy walked
off with quick, sure strides, leaving the other pilots muttering as
they began to break up.

Drawing a breath, Richard prepared to join them in heading towards the
briefing room.  He was stopped by the sight of Rick standing there
looking at him strangely.  Richard raised his eyebrows.  "What's
wrong, Rick?"

Rick sounded very uncertain.  "That part about not killing.  Are you
sure you're right about it?"

That made Richard stop and think.  "No, I'm not sure that what I'm
doing will make any difference.  I like to think it will, because my
actions have made a difference in other universes.  But I just think
it's always right not to kill people when you don't have to."

Rick bit his lip.  "When do you have to?  When is it right?"

Richard blinked, coming to the conclusion that this was not a
philosophical discussion.  "What happened?"

The teenager winced and looked down.  "I... during the battle, I
entered the alien capital ship."

"Jeez."  Richard remembered the torrid action around the big ship,
ending with the Daedalus ramming it and making it explode.  "What did
you see?"

"There was... this alien.  He was big.  As big as my Veritech.  We saw
each other.  He froze.  He had no weapons, no ship, nothing.  I had my
gun.  He was terrified.  I mean, just terrified.  I sat there and...
and I raised my gun and..."

Richard reached out to grab Rick's shoulder.  "And you couldn't fire."

"Not that it mattered."  A look of pain crossed Rick's features.  "I
saw him consumed by fire when the ship blew up.  I got clear, but..."
He looked to where Roy had moved off.  "I can't help wondering...
whether I'll be a good pilot.  It was... my mission to... destroy the
Enemy.  And I just couldn't do it.  I mean, it was no different from
shooting an ostrich."

"It *was* different."  Richard waited until Rick was looking him in
the eye.  "In one of the universes I went to, all the people took a
vow.  It went like this:  Do not hurt where holding is enough.  Do not
wound where hurting is enough.  Do not maim where wounding is enough.
And kill not where maiming is enough.  The greatest warrior is the one
who does not need to kill."

Rick looked at Richard, his eyes flicking back and forth between
Richard's.

Richard released Rick's shoulder.  "Think about it for a bit.  We'll
talk later.  Right now we need to get to the debriefing."

Rick nodded.  Richard turned and saw that there were still several
pilots hovering nearby, listening.  Richard nodded internally,
deciding that it was good that they had heard that.

It was time, perhaps, that they began examining why this war was being
fought in the first place.

---

Richard rubbed his eyes.  "I'm very tired."

"It's only 1500."  Colonel Maistroff smiled in a way that was not
quite a sneer.

"So I've been at this for what?  Three, four hours?"  Richard stared
blearily at Vanessa.  "Make him stop."

She glanced up at him, then back down at her keyboard.  She was still
typing into the briefing room's terminal.

"We'll stop when I'm satisfied."  Colonel Maistroff leaned forward.
"Why did you disobey Lieutenant Fokker's orders."

"Because there was no need.  I could disable the Battlepods almost as
easily as I could destroy them."  Not quite true, he thought to
himself, but good enough for this situation.  "I disabled them because
I thought that would do more good than killing them."

"I see."  Maistroff pushed back his hat.  "It's not that you couldn't
kill your fellow Zentraedi, is it?"

Richard frowned.  "Zentraedi?  Is that their name?"

Colonel Maistroff narrowed his eyes.  Richard realized, belatedly,
that the man had set a trap.  Just as well Richard didn't know that
name.  "Oh come now, Mr. Lawson, don't play the innocent with me.
Your mission is to infiltrate us, but you couldn't bring yourself to
kill more of your kind."

"Dammit!"  Richard slapped the table, hard, very angry.  "No, that's
not it at all.  If-"  He snapped his mouth shut.  At that moment, more
than anything he wanted to get up, get into Jetfire, and leave this
universe behind.  What stopped him was the knowledge that the feeling
would very likely pass in a minute or so.

But damn, he was tired of the mistrust.

Richard opened his mouth and tried again.  "I didn't want to kill
them.  I think this war can be fought with as little killing as
possible.  I did what I did because I'm able to.  Take that as you
will.  Or tell me to go away.  Either way I'm sick of answering your
questions."

Maistroff sat back and stared at him for a long time.  Richard was too
tired to engage him in any silly eye-to-eye combat, and simply stared
at the wall and let his eyes drift out of focus, his thoughts drifting
to inconsequentials.  Teela spending a quiet moment with the
Sorceress, the two of them, mother and daughter, sharing a rare moment
of familiar contact.  Cheetara and Tigra, racing together, Cheetara
always staying ahead but letting Tigra get tantalizingly close.  Hunk
and Pidge poking at Richard's ship, installing the new drive, Lance
taking it out for a test spin.  Sitting inside Goldbug as he
reminisced about Skyfire, one of the most powerful and most peaceful
of the Autobots.

All pleasant memories, and they helped to restore his equilibrium.

Finally Maistroff waved his hands.  "Get out of here."

Richard responded with alacrity, glad this whole thing was done.
Vanessa typed in something very quickly, the sprang up to join him.

She walked beside him as he stormed away.  "I think you did very well.
I believe you."

Richard smiled at her.  "Thanks, Vanessa."  The smile faded.  "Is that
their name?  Zen- Zentraedi?"

She thinned her lips.  "That's the first I've heard of that name, but
I don't have the security clearance that the Colonel has."

"Zentraedi."  Richard tried the word in his mind.  "Certainly sounds
better than 'Enemy', don't you think?"

She looked away.  "It's not my place to comment."

"You keep saying that."  He considered her thoughtfully.  "When *will*
it be your place?  When *do* you get to speak your mind?"

Vanessa looked back at him.  "I... I wish I could... say more things
to you.  I... took some oaths, and..."

"And you're not about to break them."  Richard nodded.  "I understand.
It just... must be hard.  Swallowing your opinions like that."

She sighed.  "Harder than I thought it would be.  Especially here and
now."  She indicated a corridor.  "I have to report to the Captain.
If you'll excuse me."

They parted, and Richard wandered back to his room.  A lot he still
needed to sort out.

There was a call waiting for him when he got there.  A message from
Claudia, inviting him to meet her at the White Dragon for dinner.
Richard smiled, appreciative of the gesture and looking forward to her
company.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

A slight figure of a woman appeared out of nowhere.  Richard started.
"Minmei!"

"Hello, Richard."  She smiled slightly.  "I'm not here for you.  Not
yet, anyway."

"Er... you're not."

"No, just wanted to talk to Bast."  She leaned forward, past Richard,
until she was leaning out of the monitor.  "Bast, Bast, Bast.  Don't
you know that Win98 is inherently superior to your petty little OS?
Just give in.  The pain will be over soon."

Richard looked past her.  "Hey, who is that?"

"Oh, no one."  She leaned back in until she was back in the text.
"Just an obstinate little man.  You won't meet him for a few decades."

"Er, what?"

"I'm going to go recompile myself.  I'll see you in about a year."

"A year?  What are you-"

"Ja ne."  She disappeared in a Blue Screen of Death.

Richard blinked a few times.

"Damn."  Her voice sounded from beyond the BSD.  "Can you reboot me,
Richard?"

"Reboot?"  Richard looked around.  "How?"

"I wasn't talking to *you*.  Oh, thanks."  The BSD disappeared.

Richard frowned at the corridor for a few seconds, then shrugged and
remembered that Claudia was waiting for him.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

The White Dragon wasn't quite crowded in the early evening, but it was
still busy.  Richard spied Claudia easily - she wasn't hard to spot -
and saw Roy sitting next to her.  Richard walked up to them, wondering
if this was such a good idea.  "Hi, Claudia.  Hi, Roy."

Roy's face darkened.  "Lawson.  What are you doing here?"

"I invited him," Claudia said smoothly.  "Please sit, Richard."

He did, putting himself across from the couple.  Roy glared at him,
then at Claudia.  "Is this your idea of a good time?"

"Now, Roy, we spend so much time alone together, it's nice to have
company once in a while."

Roy didn't look convinced.  "You set us up."

Claudia seemed unruffled.  "I invited two people I know to dinner so
that they can talk and put any silly and potentially morale-damaging
disagreements behind them."

Roy scowled.  "Who's speaking now?  Claudia or Lieutenant Commander
Grant?"

"Both," she snapped.  "Now are you going to drink that beer or am I
going to have to pour it down your throat?"

Roy rolled his eyes, then picked up his mug and took a sip.

Minmei's aunt came over and Richard placed an order.  Claudia talked
to him of inconsequential things while Roy practiced glowering.

The food arrived and they began to eat.  Richard took a bite, chewed,
then swallowed.  "Colonel Maistroff raked me over the coals today."

"As he damn well should have," Roy barked.  "What kind of game are you
trying to play, anyway."

Richard shook his head.  "No game.  I just don't want to kill anyone."

"Don't hide behind that flimsy rationalization.  For a lot of those
ostriches, all you did was make them easy targets for my men.  You
killed them just as surely as if you'd vaped them yourself."

Richard winced and looked down at his food.  "No argument there.  I
make no claim about my hands being free of blood."

"Then dammit, stop this disabling nonsense.  I have the feeling that
you could take them out with one shot, not four."

"Yes, I could."  Richard raised his eyes to lock them on Roy's.  "But
I won't.  The aliens don't need to be destroyed, just driven off.  I
believe it is in our long-term interest to try to keep this conflict
as... as blood-free as possible.  Because if we start to escalate it,
so will they - and they can do a lot more damage than we can."

"Richard-"  Roy bit off what he was going to say, then viciously
stabbed some of his food.

Richard waited a second, flicking his eyes over to Claudia who was
watching them with a calm, detached look.  No help there, he decided.
"What is it, Roy?"

"It won't work, Richard."  His voice was much quieter now.  "What
you're thinking about... it just won't do any good."

Richard thought that over for a while.  "You were one of the first
ones in here.  Along with Captain Gloval."

Roy didn't respond except to continue eating.

Richard looked at Claudia again, then back at Roy.  "What did you see?
What did you find that convinced you that we need to kill the
Zentraedi?"

"Don't say that name in here," he snapped.  "Don't ask those
questions.  I can't answer, not to you, not now, and hopefully not
ever."

Richard looked steadily at Roy for a moment, then played with his
food, trying to think of something to say.

"Look, Richard, I know where you're coming from."  Roy's voice sounded
slightly more conciliatory.  "I hate war and killing, too.  But this
is necessary.  And none of my men have ships like yours.  If they try
to be merciful, they'll end up getting themselves killed."

Richard sighed and nodded.

"So do me this favor."  Roy pushed his food aside.  "Stop this talk
about not killing.  Now is not the time.  Just keep doing what you're
doing and let us keep doing what we're doing and we won't give each
other any grief."

"Sounds fair, Roy."  Richard offered his hand, and Roy took it.  They
shook firmly.

"I'm so glad when you men move from the posturing end of the
testosterone spectrum to the bonding end."  Claudia's voice was serene
amusement.  "It makes you almost tolerable."

"I'll give you tolerable," Roy said in a mock snarl.  He rose to his
feet, pulling Claudia roughly to hers.  "Nice dinner, Lawson.  See you
tomorrow.  Or the day after.  Just don't come knocking on my door in
the meantime."

Claudia twisted her arm from Roy's grasp, grabbed his wrist, and
twisted his hand behind his back.  "Thank you for the company,
Richard," she said with a dazzling smile.  Claudia pushed Roy in front
of her as they left the restaurant, Roy making vague threats about
various kinds of punishment she was in for.

Richard chuckled and went back to his dinner, paying it more
attention.  This was working out a little better now, thanks to
Claudia.  When he was done he poured himself a cup of tea and sat
back, thinking on the war, preparing himself for the next conflict.

"Hi, Richard!"

He looked up and brightened.  Minmei was standing next to his table, a
big grin on her face.  "Hi yourself.  Haven't seen you in a bit."

"Oh, I've been busy doing lots of stuff.  Auntie said you stopped by
before and wanted to speak to me."

Oops, he'd forgotten about that.  "Uh, I was wondering about those
singing lessons.  Do you think you could teach me?"

Her eyes widened.  "Oh!  Well, I could try, I've never taught anyone
before but singing's not that hard, can you do this?"  She sang a
quick series of notes, up and down.  A scale, Richard supposed.

He took a sip of tea, set the cup down, and tried to emulate her.

Minmei just looked at him for a second.  Then she shook herself.
"Okay!  Well, come with me."  She pulled on his arm and he stood up.
She led him up some stairs, down a hallway, and to a door with her
name on it.  "We'll do it in here."

Richard suppressed a smile at the surely-unintended double entendre of
Minmei's words.  Somehow with Minmei any overtly sexual innuendo
seemed so out of place.  "Right, where do we begin?"

She sat positioned him in front of a full-length mirror.  They began.

---

A knock on his door woke Richard up the next morning.  He stared
blearily at it, then at time.  He cursed softly and scrambled into his
clothes.  "Just a second!"

When he was reasonably presentable he opened the door.  Vanessa stood
there, looking him up and down.  "Late night?"

"Not really.  Just an... interesting day yesterday.  Wanna come in?"

Vanessa thought that over for a second.  "Okay."

She came in and sat on the bed.  Richard stood and peered in the tiny
mirror, rubbing his Adam's Apple.

Vanessa eyed him curiously.  "What are you doing?"

"Do you know singing's not just singing?  It's breathing and posture
and scales and phrasing and warm-ups and taking care of your voice all
sorts of things."

"Oh?"  Vanessa sounded like she was trying to sound interested.
"Taking lessons?"

"Yes."  Richard looked into his own eyes to see if they looked guilty
or lecherous.  Deciding that they didn't, he looked at Vanessa.  "And
it's not as easy as I thought it would be."

"Few things are easy."  Vanessa held up her handheld computer and
looked at what it displayed.  "Okay, on the record, you are rebuked
for disobeying Lieutenant Commander Fokker's order.  One more display
like that and you will be asked to leave the SDF-1."  She looked at
him.  "Clear?"

Richard nodded.  "Clear."

She nodded as well, then looked back at her display.  "You've been
pulled out of Red Squadron.  Henceforth you will be attached no
squadron - you will be an independent operative.  Under the control of
the bridge, of course."

"Hmph.  Meaning you, I suppose."

"I'll be relaying your orders, yes.  You should still respond to
General Quarters and scrambles just as any pilot would."  She looked a
little grim and a little guilty as she read the next part from the
computer.  "Finally, you will cease spreading what Colonel Maistroff
has termed sedition."

Sedition.  Richard felt himself growing angry at the accusation.  He
felt quite inclined to argue the point, then realized that there
really was no need; he'd already agreed to much the same thing with
Roy, just with different terminology.  "All right."

Vanessa looked relieved at his quick acceptance.  "Good.  That's it
for the record."

Richard nodded.  "And off the record?"

Vanessa sighed.  "Off the record, what you did out there was simply
amazing.  There's no question you saved a lot of lives.  But not
everyone trusts you."

Richard thinned his lips.  "Because I only disabled those Battlepods."

"Yes.  Captain Gloval agreed with a lot of Colonel Maistroff's
reservations.  You're going to be watched very closely, Richard.
People still aren't sure what to make of you.  And it's obvious you
could hurt us a lot if we let you."

"Yes, I suppose it is."  Richard sat down next to her on the bed.
"So, Ensign Leeds, are you in a position to say whether or not *you*
trust me?"

Vanessa looked flushed.  "Yes."

"Yes?"  Richard grinned.  "Yes, you're in a position to say, or yes,
you trust me?"

"I trust you."  Her voice was curiously breathless.

"Great."  He put his arms around her shoulders and squeezed.  "That
means a lot to me."

Vanessa started shivering slightly.  Richard was about to ask her if
she was feeling well when the klaxon went off.

"Oh hell."  He shot to his feet.  "Am I on duty right now?"

"Yes."  Vanessa had her hand pressed to the middle of her chest.
"Go."

Richard sprang for the door and ran towards the hangar deck.  Time to
test his convictions again.

---

Richard sat in Jetfire, his eyes closed.  The third wave of the attack
had been repelled.  Now they were waiting on the fourth.

He didn't have to see the Veritechs in a loose formation off the
SDF-1's starboard to know they were there.  In the past few weeks all
of the Zentraedi attacks had come from there.  The alien fleet loomed,
a hundred thousand strong, like a dark shadow trying to eclipse the
SDF-1.  The SDF-1 wanted to make best speed for Earth but kept having
to adjust course to account for the alien fleet's movement and the
unrelenting attacks.

Richard was tired.  Very, very tired.  The Veritechs had been fighting
for eight solid hours now, with some of them making brief forays back
onto the SDF-1 to reload depleted ammunition.  Richard had been in
space the whole time, needing no refueling and not wanting to leave
the battle for a second.

Captain Gloval's decision to make him an independent fighter had
worked rather well.  Richard flitted from squadron to squadron during
the battle, helping out where the fighting was most intense, shielding
damaged Veritechs and disabling the attacking craft's guns.  Vanessa
relayed very few orders, only telling him when any one particular
fighter was in trouble.  He'd then race over to it and try to help.

They were still losing Veritechs, though.  And pilots.  Richard always
managed to feel a terrible pang of guilt whenever that happened,
wondering if he could have saved them if only he were to be more
aggressive.

"Bear down, pilots."  Roy's voice floated across the comm channel.
"Figure about ten minutes to intercept."

His eyes still closed, Richard reached out to hit the acknowledge
button.  He dropped his hand to his side and forced himself to think
of other things.

Like, for example, Minmei.

He smiled.  Her birthday was coming up, and she'd begun organizing a
party.  All during his singing lessons with her, she'd chatter about
what she was going to wear or what kind of food she was going to serve
or who she was going to invite.  She'd hinted about birthday
presents - subtle things like, "So what are you going to give me?" -
and generally burbled enthusiastically about the whole event.  It was
coming soon and he had to try and figure what to give her.

If he should give her anything.

His smile dimmed.  He was incredibly attracted to her, but she was so
*young*.  The upcoming birthday would only be her sixteenth.  There
were mores involved here, and he wasn't sure where his fit in.  Or
hers.

He shook his head, then cleared his throat and began a series of
scales.  Minmei always stressed the need to practice and practice.  He
tried a few middle C scales, then practiced with an E-sharp.

"Good God!"  That was Brent's voice on the comm channel.  "Someone's
strangling a cat!"

"Put the poor thing out of its misery."  Hank's voice was droll.  "And
ours."

Richard's eyes flew open.  He looked down at his console to see that
he'd accidentally activated the general broadcast channel.  "Sorry,
guys."

"*You're* sorry?"  Brent's image rolled its eyes.  "I'm the one that
needs a new set of ear drums."

"Now, now, gentleman."  Roy's calm voice overrode the channel.  "Leave
him alone.  The ostriches hear *this* and their brains will explode."

Laughter erupted across the channel.  Richard chuckled as well.

"Pilots!"  Lisa's angry visage suddenly appeared on the console.
"Stop that right now!  You're in the middle of a war, don't forget."

The laughter abruptly ceased as Lisa's image disappeared.  Richard
frowned.  Yes, it was a war, but that didn't mean that this wasn't
necessary.  There was a lot of tension in the air, and the laughter
had been a way of releasing it.  Lisa had overreacted, and now the
pilots hated her a little more.

It wasn't a good situation.

The beginnings of an idea were interrupted by the arrival of the alien
ships.  Richard grimaced and dove Jetfire towards them.  The war began
again.

---

The next part is tricky.  Got to balance some events, timewise.  Will
get into it after I get back from Otakon.  :)

-Richard