"Ryan Mathews" <mathews1@ix.netcom.com> wrote:

Well, I @#$%ed up the ending.  This isn't the first time I've been overcome
with excitement as I've seen the end of a lengthy 'fic approaching, and as 
a
result completely missed an important part of the plot.  For those of you
wondering "What happened to Washu's baby?", this is now answered.  Search 
for
the word "teleported" to go straight to the new text.  (I've also 
spell-checked
it, which I'd forgotten to do.)

Ryan, I've noticed that when you spend a long time writing a
story, it seems like you can't maintain the same momentum you had
when you started off.  As a result, your endings sometimes feel
a little rushed.  "The Game Eternal" and "Reunions" looked that way
to me, and so does "Mother's Day" to some extent.  I think you've
violated the "show, don't tell" rule a few times here, in the way
Washu tries to stabilize Ryoko's condition, the discussion about
asking the Juraians for help, Mihoshi's perfect landing, and the
new scene you've added about the baby.  But then, you *have* been
working on this story so long that I can't blame you at all for
doing this.

        "Queen Misaki and Queen Funaho wanted to come back with us," 
Tenchi
wrapped up, "but they had to stay and explain everything to the Emperor."

This has been bugging me a bit since the early chapters, but I
haven't brought it up until now: if the Emperor is on a tour of
the outer colonies, shouldn't Misaki accompany him, considering
that she's the commander of the Emperor's bodyguard (as implied by
Funaho and Yosho's conversation in OAV 13?)

Nevertheless, "Mother's Day" certainly ranks as a major
accomplishment in Tenchi fanfic, and your development of Jurai and
Ryoko's relationship with Tenchi and Washu is especially noteworthy.
Congratulations on finishing the story!

--
Julian Fong  |  fong_jh@hotmail.com  |  http://jhfong.dragonfire.net/
   00001000111110000100010000000011111111100001000100001111100010000
"I will chide no breather in the world but myself, against whom I know
most faults." - William Shakespeare, _As You Like It_, Act 3, Scene 2




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