Well, here's the final version of Pagliacci.
I think I've gotten most of the bugs out, and it's
headed off to RAAC sometime this weekend. (Provided
I can scrape up the courage to send it.)
I hope you all enjoy this little take on
Gosunkugi, who, it seems, is finally getting his
fair share of attention from fanfic writers. With
my story, and Jed Bidwell's "Gosunkugi - The Amazing
Spiderman!" fic, Gos is getting the air time he
rightly deserves.
Best wishes, and I hope you all enjoy.
C&C is welcome anytime, as are flames.
Later, all!
Ed Becerra
***************************************************************
Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2
Chapter 1
***************************************************************
Gosunkugi Hikaru wasn't a martial artist. He wasn't much of a
physical specimen at all, in fact. A loud shout was all that was really
needed to knock him flat on his rear. And he was just as blind to the
facts of life in Nerima as anyone else involved in the chaos that
surrounded Saotome Ranma.
But he did have one small gift. It wasn't much, and he didn't
quite know how to make use of it properly. Still, it was his.
He knew how to research. He studied things with an obsession
that even Ranma and Kuno might have respected if they weren't entirely
devoted to martial arts. And now that gift was about to change his
life.
* * *
His hands shook as he opened the package his mother had just
brought to his room. Covered with stamps from America, it was quite
colorful. He'd recently spoken with Tendou Nabiki, agreeing to use his
skills in photography to catch Ranma and Akane in real life poses,
giving her the film in lieu of cash to repay his debts to her. He'd
also begun developing some of Nabiki's films for her, his labor going
to pay off what he owed her. (It had to be admitted, Hikaru cost her
nothing, and Nabiki saved the price of a regular photo developing
shop.) The result was, for once, that he'd had enough money to purchase
the contents of this package from a strange old man living in America.
He frowned, as the cancellation mark on the stamps seemed to
squirm and writhe, causing his eyes to tear. It wasn't easy to read.
He checked the return address.
Miskatonic University,
Arkham, Massachusetts
USA.
It was the right place, and he tore the brown paper wrapping,
discarding it hastily. He lifted the books out, and gently set them on
his bed.
Gos wasn't stupid. He'd recognized the address, and knew of the
loathsome legends that surrounded that university, and the near-by
town of Arkham. Desperate as he was to win Akane's love (or at least
her body), he wasn't quite foolish enough to risk the dangers involved
with the people and the THINGS that were said to call that place home.
What he HAD bought and paid for, at a VERY high price, was all
that the justly famous (and justly INFAMOUS) library of the occult
at Miskatonic University had on the subject of the cursed Valley of
Jyusenkyo and its Pools of Sorrow.
As he stacked the books on his futon before sorting them, a small
envelope, taped to a fan-folded piece of paper, fell at his feet.
Stooping, he opened it.
"Gosunkugi-san,
Given the list of titles you requested, and from what
I could read between the lines of your letter, I
suspect that you may find the map attached to this
letter to be of great interest.
This is a map of the Cursed Springs of Jyusenkyo.
It lists all of the cursed springs, and their exact
locations. Moreover, it is said to be a magical map.
It's nature is that whomsoever possesses it can
find any of the Springs that they choose, and it will
magically update itself every time some new
person or creature drowns in one of the pools.
Normally, the nature of the curse on the valley tends
to prevent a person from choosing a spring in order
to use it in a selfish manner. The curses choose YOU,
you see. But this map is said to be able to resist
the power of the valley to that extent. The owner
will not be totally immune to the power of the curse,
however. Remember that, and use it wisely.
Dexter Ward Smythe."
Shuddering, Hikaru started to set the map aside when his fingers
slipped and both the letter and the map fell to the floor. The creases
of the old map sprang open and Gosunkugi grumbled as he tried to fold
it back up. Then a line of text caught his eye.
"The spring of what?" He shook his head in disbelief and set the
map aside on the shelf with the rest of his books and scrolls on the
occult.
It stayed there, untouched, for several weeks.
* * *
It was needless to say that Gosunkugi Hikaru was not a happy man.
Such a statement would be the height of redundancy. One could, however,
decide that Gos was slightly more unhappy than usual.
His latest scheme to drive Ranma away and win the heart of the
fair Akane had failed almost as badly as the Russian economy. The spell
he'd tried to cast to attract every stray cat in Tokyo to Ranma,
thereby throwing him into the Neko-ken permanently, hadn't worked as
planned.
To his astonishment, the spell HAD worked, attracting cats from
every direction. Unfortunately, they hadn't been attracted to Ranma.
Hikaru hadn't QUITE gotten it right, and the cats were attracted
to the spellCASTER, not the spell victim.
He was suddenly buried alive in a pile of lively and extremely
affectionate cats, unable to move, while Ranma ran away screaming,
"C-c-c-caaaats!"
After nearly half an hour, he finally managed to extract himself
from the mewing, purring heap of furry feline adoration. He limped
home, covered in cat dander, trying to avoid stepping on or stumbling
over the few remaining cats that still stubbornly trailed him, loudly
proclaiming their love.
Finally arriving safely (if not alone) at home, he took the Scroll
of Feline Attraction outside and carefully burned it. Then he stirred
the ashes, making certain it was completely destroyed. The ashes were
carried back into the house and flushed down the toilet.
*I am NOT taking another chance with cats. Never again,* he
thought, futilely brushing at the cat fur still clinging to his pants.
Changing clothes, he sat on his futon and thought. In the past
three weeks, he'd tried four schemes (counting the cat scroll spell
that had gone awry)to separate Ranma and Akane, and/or attract Akane
to win her love. This had resulted in: one beating from Tatewaki
Kuno who had somehow managed to realize that Hikaru was trying to win
Akane's hand; one thrashing from Ryouga who'd realized that Gosunkugi
had tried to use a spell on Akane; one malleting from several of the
girls at school when they caught him trying to obtain a thread of
Akane's hair from the drain trap in the girl's shower; and, of course,
the avalanche of cats that had inadvertently buried him up to his neck
in overly-affectionate felines.
"Perhaps I should just give up," he moaned, burying his face in
his folded arms. "I'll never win. I have NOTHING to offer a girl, I'm
nothing any girl could EVER want!"
Many famous people have often noted that making a flat-out
statement like that is the practical equivalent of express-mailing
a challenge letter to the Gods. A _rude_ challenge letter. For the most
part, these famous people are dead-on right.
Particularly in this case.
As Hikaru wretchedly rocked back and forth on his futon, a stray
gust of air pushed gently on the old map that Gos had carelessly
thrust between a pair of books. It slipped easily from between the
slick leather covers of the two volumes flanking it, fluttered through
the air not unlike a parchment butterfly and stuck Gos ever so softly
atop his bowed head.
He tried to bat it away blindly, but luck, fate, or magic seemed
to be on the side of the map. It persisted in staying squarely atop his
head. Finally, he opened his eyes, and using both hands, grabbed the
map, ready to throw it across the room in his misery.
That was when the map fell open to the spot it had unfolded
to the day he'd first received it. To a listing of all the cursed pools
of Jyusenkyo, and what had drowned in each one. The name he'd noted
before caught his eye, and he sat rock-still on the futon. An idea,
a crazed, bizzare idea, filled his young mind.
"That's it!" he whispered excitedly. "That's the secret! Akane
thinks of Ranma as a hero. Someone who always saves her, no matter
what the danger is! That's IT! She can only love a _Hero_!"
He shot to his feet, banging his head sharply on the bookshelf
above his bed, knocking books across the room and all over the floor.
He paid this no attention, though.
"If it's a Hero that Akane requires, then it's a Hero I'll give
her!" he shouted, unconsciously striking a pose with one arm (the one
holding the map in its clenched fist) thrust into the air. "Yes! Yes!
Bwahahahahahahaha! Akane needs a Hero. AND I WILL BECOME THAT HERO!"
"Hi-chan? Is something wrong?" came the voice of his mother from
the next room. "Did you break one of your dolls again?"
Gosunkugi face-faulted violently.
* * *
Gosunkugi Hikaru, in his rather single-minded pursuit of Tendou
Akane, had amassed quite a collection of spell-books, cantrips,
scrolls, and what was probably (with one notable exception) the single
largest collection of voodoo paraphernalia in all Asia.
(The one exception was a collection belonging to a elderly mystic
in Tibet, and as this mystic was quite busy training a young American
surgeon to be his future replacement as Sorcerer Supreme of the Earth,
said collection wasn't available. It therefore didn't have any effect
on Gosunkugi's plans.)
Gos was about to have a going-out-of-business sale.
Soon, signs sprouted around the apartment where he lived,
hand-made posters appeared on every concrete pillar and wall, and he
even arranged with a friend to advertise on the internet. (The internet
auction house of Ebay.com, as Hikaru discovered, was Kami-sent.
Ideal for his purposes.)
It took more time than he realized, and he resented every second
it took. Each extra moment was a moment that he -wasn't- completing
his plan to show Akane what a TRUE hero was. But, as all things
eventually are, the sale was finished, and he had the money he needed.
It hadn't been easy. Nabiki had learned of the sale even before it took
place, and had immediately begun digging for the reason behind it,
assuming that it would be something she could blackmail Hikaru over.
It had taken every effort he could make to mislead her without actually
lying to her.
School break finally rolled around, and Gos put his plan into
action. He'd arranged to make his parents think he was going to a spa
to try to build up his health, using the money he'd made from the sale
of his collection. This wasn't even a lie, strictly speaking. If one
used the word -very- loosely, he WAS about to take a trip to a spa.
After all, spas were there to improve your health, and that's exactly
what he intended to do.
As he entered the train station with the small backpack holding
the absolute minimum of supplies he knew he'd need, he froze. Nabiki
was standing there in front of the gate.
"Why, Hikaru! What a surprise meeting you here! Lovely day for
traveling, isn't it." she smirked.
"I-I-I," stuttered Gos. "I.. don't know what you're talking
about."
"Gos, Gos, Gos.. did you really think you could fool me? This is
Nerima, after all. When someone from Nerima buys a ticket to China,
the odds are 3 to 1 that they're headed for Jyusenkyo. That means the
Springs." She frowned. "Now, which spring are you trying to find and
why?"
Hikaru began to sweat. "I.. I'm just visiting China for my health.
Honest. It's for my health!"
Nabiki blinked. To her surprise, her finely honed senses were
telling her that Gos was speaking the truth. Or at least HE believed
he was telling her the truth.
"All right, Gosunkugi. Be careful on your travels," she grinned.
"It would be a terrible shame if your mother happened to find some of
those photographs you've taken." She made a mental note to go back over
everything she had on him. She didn't _think_ he had enough spine to
defy her, but then stranger things had happened. Especially in Nerima.
She smiled at him in that special way she had. The one that
reminded her classmates of a hungry pirahna. She felt a small surge
of pleasure as he began to shake like an aspen tree in a high wind.
*I still have it,* she thought to herself. *Though Gos isn't that
much of a challenge.*
"And be sure to hurry back. I'll have more film for you to
develop when you do." She smiled as she watched him scurry towards
the train, and considered whether or not it would be profitable
to sell the information that Gosunkugi was headed to China to certain
cursed individuals.
She walked away smiling, happy little yen signs floating through
her mind.
* * *
First it was a train to the port. Then the cheapest tourist boat
to the Chinese mainland. As insane as it might seem, it was STILL
possible to get permission to tour the Cursed Training Grounds of
Jyusenkyo. (Perhaps this was the proof the Western world was seeking
that the heads of the Chinese Communist party were crazier than a
warehouse full of LSD addicts. It certainly didn't help their image
any.)
Ditching the official guide whose job it was to lead him there
(and watch him, of course) was easier than he'd thought it would be.
The watchdog in question had been assigned to such jobs before, and was
more familiar with Jyusenkyo than he cared to be. He made no attempt
to chase Hikaru down, aside from a rather lame "Stop. Don't. Come back.
You're endangering yourself, honored customer. *yawn*"
Then he returned to the head office and reported yet another
idiot lost to the cursed springs. His boss made a tally mark on the
sheet. "That's what, three this spring? Must be the season. All the
kooks are coming out to nest."
Hikaru's journeys through the backcountry of China weren't as
difficult as he'd anticipated. Despite the Communist revolution,
the common people of China still had a surprising degree of respect
for wise men and priests. While Gosunkugi definitely didn't qualify
as the first, his attempts to learn and practice voodoo did put him,
tentatively, in the second category. Knowing nothing about voodoo,
most of the farmers and village people simply assumed that a student
priest was a student priest, according to him the same respect they'd
give to any priest.
The actual walk wasn't easy. Hikaru had never been a sturdy boy,
and hiking through the rugged backcountry of the Tsinghai region was
agonizing. As he approached the remote Pa-yen-k'a-la mountains it grew
worse, much worse.
The insults were painful, too. He'd taken a wrong path and brushed
up against the edge of the territory claimed by the Joketsuzoku
Amazons. The guards they'd placed at the borders had taken one look at
the frail Japanese boy and nearly collapsed in hysterical laughter.
Then one of the two Amazons pointed her spear at him and smiling,
informed him in broken Japanese that the home for useless males was
just six miles away, and she would carry him if he couldn't make it on
his own.
He bowed to them, shameful as it felt, and apologized in broken
Chinese phrases he'd memorized from the small book he'd brought along.
Hikaru had heard the things Ranma often said about his idiot of a
father and how much trouble Genma had gotten into (and gotten RANMA
into) by refusing to admit he didn't understand Chinese. Never let it
be said that Gosunkugi couldn't learn from a bad example.
He humbly asked the way to the valley of the cursed springs,
which caused both guards to take a cautious step back and level their
weapons at him. The first set a small gourd of water on the ground,
stepped back, and gestured for him to pour it over himself.
A flash of rare insight struck Hikaru at that moment, and he
slowly reached for the gourd, holding it over his head and dousing
himself with the cold contents. Which resulted in his instantaneous
change from dry Gosunkugi to wet Gosunkugi. The guards immediately
relaxed.
"You not curse, boy. Not need cure. Why go curse springs?"
asked the Amazon who'd provided the water.
Hikaru fumbled with the Japanese-Chinese dictionary/phrasebook
he'd brought along. <"I priest. Wish I springs to go to learn.">
<"A priest?"> said the first guard. <"He's scrawny enough. What
else could a weakling like him do?">
<"He looks like he'd snap in two if you breathed on him too
hard,"> replied the second. <"A priest is about all he's good for, I'd
say. He's no threat. Let's just point him at the Valley and get rid of
him.">
Gosunkugi was watching the two with no idea of what they were
saying. The conversation was must too fast for the (very) little
Chinese he'd managed to learn. But he DID understand when the first
guard pointed her sword-bladed spear off at an angle from the way he'd
just come and said "Cursed springs that way. Not come here again, or we
turn little boy into little girl, snip-snip!"
Hikaru shuddered, and retreated rapidly, their mocking laughter
ringing in his ears.
* * *
The Amazons hadn't misled him. Walking in the direction he'd been
pointed, he found a path that quickly led him to the lower end of the
valley of Jyusenkyo.
He strode down the path boldly (or at least what might pass for
boldly, if you were really desperate. Gos was.) only to have the Guide
rush out from his hut and bar the way.
"No, Mr. Customer! You no go down that path! Very dangerous
cursed springs there! You fall in, you get curse!" insisted the Guide.
Hikaru pulled out the small dictionary/phrase book he'd come to
depend upon. <"Curse springs I know. Priest am I. Study curses I
want.">
"You priest, Mr. Customer? Springs are DANGEROUS, young Mr.
Customer. You go down there, you get curse!" The Guide was frustrated.
Couldn't these idiots understand that if you got too near the springs,
you got cursed? No exceptions? "There already Spring of Drowned Priest.
Religion not protect you!"
Gosunkugi frowned inside. This man was well-meaning, but he was
getting in the way of his becoming a hero Akane could admire and love!
What could he.. ahh! He cursed his awkward Chinese and tried again.
<"Understand. But need study curse. Not care price. Must do.">
The Guide gave up. "Mr. Customer understand that I not at fault
for any curses? You go in, you responsible."
Hikaru nodded, and the Guide stepped aside, allowing him to pass.
He slowly made his way down to the Springs while the Guide retreated
to his hut to set another kettle of water on the stove. He rather
expected it would be needed shortly.
Gos pulled out the map and carefully unfolded it, staying well
away from the springs until it was in his hands. To his bemusement,
when he did approach the first spring, he could feel both a subtle
tugging from the spring, and a matching rejection coming from the map.
*Maybe this is what always goes wrong,* thought Gos. *The springs
interfere with everyone who comes here, trying to actively curse them,
or prevent them from finding a cure for their curse.*
Hikaru smiled to himself as he noticed the slippery ground near
each spring. He was prepared for that. Reaching into his pack, he
pulled out a pair of small rubber slip-ons for his shoes. Studded
with small hob nails, they were meant for walking on ice-slick streets.
They would serve just as admirably for the slippery ground of
Jyusenkyo.
A small series of metal tubes were next to emerge from the pack,
screwing together to form a spiked-tiped, pickax-headed cane of the
sort ice climbers used, He thrust the spiked end into the ground and
tested it. It held firm. Gos smiled.
Last of all was a wide and unusually thick belt that he strapped
around his waist. Colored a rather ugly international-emergency
orange, it was actually a life preserver of sorts, one that would
automatically inflate with a CO2 cartridge if the wearer were to fall
into the water. Hikaru had NO intention of creating the first Spring
of the Drowned Japanese Wannabe Voodoo Priest.
He could imagine whatever forces that governed Jyusenkyo roaring
in frustration. Gosunkugi Hikaru was nobody's fool, he'd planned ahead!
He'd studied every report about Jyusenkyo, and had taken steps to
thwart each and every known danger. He laughed in triumph.
Needless to say, Gosunkugi's attitude was right up there with
spitting into the wind, tugging on Superman's cape, and trying to pull
the mask off of the Lone Ranger's face.
That is to say.. it was _really_ stupid.
Not that Hikaru knew this, or would have let it stop him had he
known. There's just something about Nerima that seems to create an
almost invincible confidence born from total cluelessness. Go figure.
So Gosunkugi continued on.
He opened the map, and comparing it to the ground before him, he
carefully made his way forward. He kept one eye on the map, and the
other firmly on the ground, making certain he had steady footing.
Sure enough, several times the ground appeared to try to slip from
under his feet, but the strap-on cleats and the ice ax kept him from
falling in to the springs that now surrounded him.
His pace resembled that of an arthritic tortoise, but despite
being slow, it WAS getting him safely to where he wanted to go. About
45 minutes of very cautious movement saw him reach the cursed pool he'd
chosen.
"At last!" he breathed. "The Spring of the Drowned Hero. Now I'll
be what I was truly MEANT to be, and Akane will have no choice BUT to
love and admire me! My destiny awaits!"
Setting the map on the ground and weighting it down with the ice
ax, he plunged into the pool. He'd totally ignored the oddly dizzy
sensation that had overtaken him the instant he'd let go of the map.
That was Gos's final error, and the event that sealed the fates of a
great many people.
And Gos didn't even have the excuse of being raised by Genma
Saotome. Pity, that.
* * *
Hikaru had thrown himself into the pool with a passion. He'd leapt
with such force that he'd managed to totally submerge himself before
the lifebelt he was wearing had a chance to inflate.
It _did_ inflate an instant later, yanking him to the surface
just as the Guide came running up to him.
"Oh, no, Mr. Customer! You fall into the
Qiujiaoluomanshijun-nanniquan, the Spring of the Drowned Harlequin
Romance Novel Stud! Tragic story of famous pretty-boy hero of bad
romantic novels who drown here 1500 hours ago!"
Hikaru looked at him dully. What was this idiot talking about?
He'd jumped into the Spring of the Drowned Hero. He'd followed the map,
he'd followed the instructions, he'd done everything correctly.
He'd even held on to the map so that the Powers that ruled Jyusenkyo
would have no chance to twist and pervert his... D'OH! He'd set the map
DOWN!
He climbed out of the spring, almost fearing to look at himself.
"A mirror. I need a mirror. NOW!" To his surprise, the last word came
out as a roar worthy of Ryouga at his best.
The Guide was surprised that the request wasn't for hot water (he
had a kettle at the ready), but reached into a pocket of his uniform
jacket and pulled out a small hand mirror, passing it over to the boy.
Gos couldn't believe his eyes. He was _handsome_!. His hair was
thick and blond in a cut that looked as if he patronized the same
barber as Captain Harlock. His face was broad, his chin firm, his skin
clear, and his eyes as penetrating as a raptor's.
Tilting the mirror, he noted that his clothing had split and torn
leaving him bare-chested and almost pants-less. If anything, his
current state of dress reminded him of that gaijin TV show, the one
with the scientist who kept turning to a large green monster.
His chest rippled with muscles, his buttocks were tight, his arms
sinewy, and his legs firm. All in all, Gos thought numbly, I look like
a greek statue. One of the more athletic ones.
This provoked a slightly fearful thought, and his hand darted
down immediately to check out the situation.
The Guide drew back, slightly disgusted. "You pervert boy, Mr.
Customer?"
"I--" Hikaru coughed and started over. "I ... was worried I might
have, well, you know.." To his delight, his voice sounded just as
heroically musical as any hero's should.
The Guide shrugged. "That not MY business. Here, Mr. Customer.
I get you hot water so you change back."
"NO!" roared Gos. "I'm NEVER changing back to what I was. I'm a
hero now! And I'll stay that way!"
He snatched up the map and, leaping over the pools, headed for his
pack. Grabbing it with one hand, he fled the Valley before the Guide
could have a chance to splash him with hot water.
"Mr. Customer very stupid. I _tell_ him that NOT Spring of Drowned
Hero, but he listen? No." Then the Guide sighed, and headed back to his
hut to have dinner. His daughter Plum should have finished that nice
stir-fry she'd started before this idiot had arrived. A nice hot dinner
and some beer might be just what he needed.
* * *
Coming to a halt deep in the nearby forest, Gos paused and pawed
through his pack. He hadn't known what size he'd end up after leaping
into the Pool of the Drowned Hero (yes, he STILL believed he'd gotten
the correct spring, despite what the Guide had said) and in trying
to think ahead, he'd brought along three changes of clothing in three
different sizes. And a set of extra-large rubber sandals that could
be easily trimmed with a knife.
Due to the need to save money for other, more essential items,
he'd economized. Three pair of black pants with elastic waist bands
and ankles, not unlike what Ranma habitually wore. And three white
shirts with bloused sleeves. Both shirt and pants could, due to the
style, fit a range of sizes. This allowed him to get away with buying
only three sets.
The fact that this particular style made his new cursed form look
like some roguish pirate who'd just escaped from a DeMille sea epic
never occurred to Hikaru. Not that this was his fault. It would,
however, occur to a great many other people. Mostly women.
Dressing in the largest size he'd brought, Gos stuffed the map
back into a pocket of the pack. He had the odd impression that it might
serve him again someday, though he had no idea how.
Brushing the dust and leaves from his legs with the ragged remains
of his old clothing, he donned the pack and began to cheerfully
stride through the forest, thinking of how utterly impressed Akane
would be, and how she would instantly fall into his arms, begging
to become his bride.
The sky was blue, the sun was shining between the branches of the
trees, birds were singing joyfully, small animals were scurrying
happily through the underbrush, and all in all, every sign of impending
disaster was there on the spot.
Hikaru strode through the forest without a care in the world,
happily dreaming of how he'd sweep an unresisting Akane off of her
feet. That's why he never noticed the slight slope to the left that
gradually caused him to drift onto a small, but well-beaten path
through the woods. A path that led straight to the Joketsuzoku
village.
* * *
Sugar jabbed her partner in the ribs. "Do you see what *I* see?"
Spice started to glare at Sugar, then caught sight of the stranger
herself. "Ohmyohmyohmy...." She had a little trouble breathing.
"Do you suppose he's available?"
"Does it matter? I suddenly have the feeling I'm about to lose a
fight, Spice."
"Oh, no you don't, Sugar. *I* saw him first!"
"No, I did!" Sugar growled. "I saw him first, and I get to
challenge him first."
Spice pulled out a bonbori. "Wanna bet?"
Sugar frowned. "Rock-paper-knife?"
Spice bit her lip. "Okay."
By that time, Gosunkugi had come all the way up the trail towards
them. He recognized them for the Amazons they were, but felt oddly
unafraid. He assumed at first that this was some form of bravery that
came automatically with falling into the Spring of the Drowned Hero.
But when he saw the one Amazon pull a mace from the sleeve of her
fighting outfit, a strange feeling swept over him.
To his surprise, he walked straight up to the first Amazon and,
plucking the mace from her hand, bent her over backwards and kissed
her soundly. "Ahh, lass, one so lovely as you needs no weapon to defend
herself against me. Your very beauty renders me totally helpless
to your feminine charms."
What shocked Gos most about what he'd just done was the fact that
he'd said everything in perfect (and even elegant) Chinese.
Spice didn't even realize she'd just been disarmed. All she could
think about were the wonderful eyes that were looking down into hers.
Deep and blue, they seemed to look into her very soul. If he'd asked
her to, she would have forsworn being an Amazon forever and sold
herself to a Shanghai whorehouse, just to have him look at her again
like that.
He eased her to the ground and set her gently on the grass. "And
who is your pretty friend, m'lady?" smiled Gosunkugi. "She's as lovely
as a spring morning, and as sweet as a taste of summer honey."
Sugar blushed from head to toe and mentally cursed herself as she
giggled like a schoolgirl. "Ahh.. I'm.. You're.. We're.. She's.."
Sugar babbled.
Hikaru smiled, and the girls shuddered in ecstasy. "That's quite
all right. I'm a stranger in the area, and you're obviously guarding
your village. You should take me prisoner and see that I'm brought
before the village elders, as is proper."
A tiny portion of Gos's mind wondered where the _hell_ that little
speech had come from. But wherever it had emerged from, it seemed to
work. Spice stood on wobbly legs and with Sugar's help, they twisted
a bit of rope around his wrists and proceeded to march him down the
trail to the village.
* * *
Mace and Caraway stared at the small procession just entering
the village. "He's GORGEOUS!" breathed Caraway.
Mace sniffed disdainfully. "Just another pretty-boy, Caraway.
I'll bet he couldn't even get it up on a bet." Inside, however, the
proud Amazon shivered. The outsider _was_ handsome. If he could fight,
perhaps she might consider being a second wife? She shook her head.
What was she THINKING? She didn't swing that way, although she wasn't
about to admit it.
She shook herself all over like a dog shedding water, then shook
Caraway by the shoulder. "We'd best tell the Elders. I have a bad
feeling about this."
Caraway wasn't listening. She had stars in her eyes and a fantasy
playing in 70mm Technicolor wide screen with Dolby Surround Sound
inside her head. It involved herself, the outsider, and a scene from
that foreign story she'd read. Gone With The Breeze, or something
like that. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly PG rated.
Mace gave it up as a lost cause, and quickly ran to the village
square, shouting for the Elders. There were going to be fireworks
thanks to this. She was certain.
Lilac the Elder Healer heard the growing noise and came from her
cottage in a slightly grumpy mood. She wasn't as young as she used to
be, and noisy children bothered her, although she was loath to admit
it.
"What's all this, then?" she asked, reaching up to tap Mace on the
back.
Mace looked down at the venerable healer. "An outsider male,
Elder. And he seems to have surrendered to the sentries outside the
village willingly."
Lilac looked at the crowd surrounding the challenge circle. It
looked as if half the village was there already, and more were headed
that way. "All this excitement for ONE outsider? Who is he? Adonis?
Brad Pitt? Jackie Chan?"
Mace twitched slightly at the comment, and Lilac eyed her closely.
"That was a JOKE, child."
"Elder.." Mace frowned, shaking her head uncertainly. "It's not my
place to correct an Elder of the village, but maybe you should take a
look at him? The joke.. might not be so funny after you see him."
Lilac looked at the odd expression on the child's face, then
turned and slowly made her way through the crowd to view this outside
male who'd managed to fluster so many Amazons. To her surprise,
she actually had to PUSH a few Amazons out of her way. Elders rarely
needed to even raise their voices to clear a path, and NEVER needed
to push or shove short of a major emergency. To be forced to move
younger Amazons out of her way with a shiatsu poke here and there
indicated that the situation was highly abnormal.
Finally reaching the front of the crowd, she inhaled sharply.
The outsider male was standing next to the challenge log, and looking
at him.. she began to fan herself briskly.
Whoo.. haven't felt like this since Doug showed me that trick with
the feathers, she thought, flushed and sweaty. Then her gaze sharpened
and she grew suspicious. It was true, she HADN'T felt like this in
years. It wasn't natural. Which meant it was probably supernatural.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Dowel battling Tao. The
giant Amazon was swinging her brass and iron shod oak staff while Tao
was using a matched pair of short swords, not unlike a Roman gladius.
Tao was hissing at Dowel. "I'll challenge him, not you, you overgrown
bamboo pole!"
Dowel's staff struck one of the blades so hard, the steel rang
like a bell. "Over my dead body!" she grunted.
"Fine with me!" taunted Tao.
To Lilac's bemusement, she could see that neither was attempting
to pull their blows. Tao, especially, was attempting killing strikes
with her blades. Lilac's gaze swept the challenge ring. Wherever
she looked, unmarried women of nearly every age past puberty were
either glaring at each other, or staring at the outsider with starry
eyes like love-struck fools. Looking back at the stranger, she saw him
smiling cheerfully at the spectacle of so many women willing to do
battle over him. Her eyes tightened, and she strode over to him,
steeling her considerable willpower.
<"You're responsible for this. Who are you, and where are you
from?"> she rasped in her hoarse voice.
Gosunkugi felt another wave of oddness sweep through his mind,
and someone else seemed to take control of his voice. <"Ahh.. my native
tongue sounds so lyrical when you speak it, honored Elder,"> he smiled.
"But wouldn't you find it easier if we spoke in your Chinese, dear
lady? It's such a poetic language."
"Cram it, pretty boy. Who are you and where are you from?"
"MY name, m'lady? No need to be so harsh. It sits ill on the lips
of one so lovely for her generation. My name is.." Hikaru blinked,
as sudden confusion seemed to fill his mind. "My name is.. Wan.
Tenorioh Wan, I think." He smiled in a slightly bewildered manner.
"Yes. Tenorioh Wan, the swordsman. The diplomat. The _lover_."
Several different facts inside Lilac's mind came together,
crystallizing into a certainty. The skin around her eyes tightened.
"As you can see, you're disrupting the peace of this village." Her
voice echoed hollow and distant in his ears. "Leave this place. These
women are not for you. Begone. Leave. Now."
The blond stiffened. "I cannot do that, m'lady! T'would be a crime
against nature itself to deny these lovely women the opportunity
to experience the wonder that is I. No, I cannot cause them to suffer
the pain they would feel at my absence."
Lilac smiled coldly at him, and moving closer, lowered her voice.
"I'm the village healer, boy. Know what that means? In a moment, I'm
going to head for my cottage. When I come out, I'll have a little
herbal mix that I plan to use on you. My great-grandmother's
great-grandmother came up with it centuries ago, for dealing with
excessively randy males. One dose, and you won't have to worry about
embarrassing erections while in public again. Or ANY erections,
for that matter. Ever. Got that?"
Hikaru stared at the short woman in horror. "You _wouldn't_!"
Lilac gave him an icy grin. "You have till I come back, boy. It'll
take a few moments to brew a fresh batch. I strongly suggest you use
that time to get a good long head start." She spun around and stalked
slowly towards her house.
Gos shuddered. The look in the old woman's eyes told him that she
wasn't joking. The desire to spend the rest of his life in a village
full of women whom he would (he was certain) have serving him hand and
foot wasn't NEARLY as strong as the horror that this terrible woman
had placed in his soul. An almost unlimited supply of women was
valuable, yes, but NOTHING was worth risking his god-like virility
for! He began to slowly, carefully ease his way back through the crowd,
using their pre-occupation with the on-going battles to avoid being
noticed. He'd managed to reach the edge of the crowd when a woman cried
out, "Hey, where'd he go?"
Even those women busy dueling stopped, and every eye searched
out for the missing male. When they saw Gosunkigi trying to edge his
way behind a cottage, a roar of possessive outrage rang though the
entire village.
"GET HIM! CATCH HIM! DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE!!" the women shouted.
Hikaru took to his heels and ran for his life, heading for the
forest as though a plague of demons were hot on his trail.
* * *
A week later, Gos was still running. The Amazons simply refused
to give up. He'd laughed when he'd heard second hand descriptions
of Ranma's desperate attempts to lose Shampoo after the ill-fated
meeting in the village. It wasn't so funny now. The longest he'd been
able to rest was perhaps an hour at a time. He hadn't been able to stop
to eat since the village. The best he could do was grab stolen scraps
and eat them while on the run.
And the WATER! He'd thought of changing, of evading the
Joketsuzoku search parties by simply returning to his natural form.
They were, after all, looking for his cursed form. And the true form
of Gosunkugi Hikaru was about as different from his cursed form as it
was possible to get. But it didn't work. Hot water seemed near
impossible to find. The few times he HAD managed to spot a kettle,
a cookpot, or some other source of hot water to change with, somehow
he was almost immediately splashed with cold water again.
One time, he'd stolen a thermos of hot tea and ran into a field,
far away from ANY other water, hot or cold, before he poured it over
his head. The sky was clear, the sun was hot, there wasn't a cloud to
be seen anywhere. Almost the second he'd transformed, the first rumble
of thunder was heard.
The resulting summer shower lasted JUST long enough to put him
back into his cursed form.
Yeah, a LOT of Ranma's funny stories didn't seem quite so
hilarious anymore.
At least his cursed form was incredibly athletic. He could run for
hours at a time. He'd managed to escape the Tsinghai province, and
reach the Yangtze river. Stealing a small boat, he accepted the fact
that he would be stuck in his cursed form and let the river carry him
along faster than the Amazons following him could run.
He hoped.
* * *
Dowel glared at Tao, who was busy showing a fisherman exactly
how sharp her swords were by shaving tiny splinters of stone from a
rock. "If you scare him stupid, he won't be able to talk, Tao!"
"Too later," smirked Sugar. "I think Mother Nature beat Tao to the
punch."
Dowel groaned. "Why me? Why _me_?" She turned to Spice. "Spice,
please try to calm him down and get a description of the man who stole
his boat for us? If it was the outsider, then he's going to get a
tremendous lead on us."
Cinnamon and Cardamon shot dagger looks at Tao, but subsided
when Dowel frowned at them. The tall Amazon groaned again. "I didn't
ask to be the leader. I didn't WANT to be the leader. SHAMPOO is
supposed to lead. _She's_ the village champion. How'd _I_ get stuck
with this?"
"Just lucky, I guess?" offered Mace.
"Thank you, Mace. That helped a lot. NOT. Go make yourself useful.
Try and hire us a boat. You help her, Sash."
* * *
Back in the village, Lilac was addressing a gathering of the
remaining elders.
Sun Ti grimaced at Lilac. "So that was ANOTHER victim of the
Springs that caused all the fuss? What IS it with those damned things?
We seem to attract their victims like iron filings to a magnet. First
that Japanese kid Shampoo's trying to catch, then the fool who fell
into the Spring of the Drowned Car, and now someone who's fallen into
the.. what did you call it, Lilac?"
"The Spring of the Drowned Harlequin Romance Novel Stud, Sun Ti.
Remember, we had those Americans running all over the place about three
months ago?"
Sun Ti frowned. "What does that have to do with the price of tea
in Australia?"
Lilac raised an eyebrow. "Unlike SOME elders, _I_ take a certain
interest in things of the outside world. You never know when they might
become important." She clapped her hands, and her apprentice Razor came
running up to her, handing her a small box. She opened it and pulled
out some cheap-looking books that she passed to the others.
"THIS is what they were here for. Take a good look at the painting
on the cover."
Lao Shen furrowed her brow. "Looks just like the outsider the
children are chasing. How'd that happen?"
Lilac chuckled. "Remember those stories we all loved to hear when
we were kids ourselves? And I _don't_ mean the stories of combat,
Lao Shen."
Sun Ti h'mphed, while Lao Shen coughed. "So?" she asked.
"So the Americans have those stories too. By the thousands.
They have an entire INDUSTRY devoted to writing, printing, and selling
the silly things, girl." Lilac's smile grew wider. "That's what those
Americans were here for. They were 'scouting locations' that their
photographers and painters could do pictures of the model they hire to
do the covers for these things. And guess who fell into a spring at
Jyusenkyo while they were there?"
Lao Shen rolled her eyes dramatically while the rest of the Elders
sighed. "Let me guess. A brainless gui lao boytoy stud who was all
looks and no brains, right?"
Lilac nodded. "Yes. And he had the bad grace to drown, which meant
that instead of GETTING a curse, he made a new one. Then, when the
Guide pulled the fool out, the Americans managed to use their modern
medicine to save his life."
"That's a damned shame," murmured Sun Ti. "That they saved him,
I mean."
"There's always the possibility that we could lock him in his
cursed form.." mused Lao Shen.
"But do we really want his genes in our village?" asked Mao Yin,
one of the youngest Elders.
"Good point," said Lilac. "Here's a better one. That boy sounded
Japanese. I'd bet a hundred yuan that sooner or later, we're going to
find him in the same place as Cologne, Shampoo, and the kid they're
chasing. Any takers?"
"With _our_ luck?" snorted Lao Shen. "I'd sooner bet on the sun
rising in the west."
Lilac nodded. "Then I strongly urge that we send a message to
Cologne right away, advising her of what's happened so that she can
take any steps she thinks appropriate. This whole thing reeks strongly
of weirdness. Forewarned is forearmed."
"Rin Rin and Ran Ran," said Sun Ti. "They've been there before,
they know the way, and if they head straight there, they might be able
to warn Cologne before either the boy or the hunting party get there.
IF that's where they're headed."
"Then it's agreed," said Lao Shen. "We send Rin Rin and Ran Ran
now, immediately. And may all the Gods and spirits help Cologne.
Because if that boytoy actually DOES end up there, I doubt Japan will
survive."
* * *
It had been a long wet journey to the port of Shanghai for Gos.
It hadn't helped that when he left the river, women insisted on
grabbing, hugging, groping and fondling him. The outraged husbands
and boyfriends who objected to this behavior on the part of their wives
and girlfriends were nearly as dangerous as the Amazons. And it was
made worse by his strange inability (while in his cursed form) to speak
to women, any woman, in anything but the most flowery and gallant
of language. It made him sound like Kuno, which was a terrifying
feeling. But he'd survived.
Once he reached Shanghai, hot water was a LOT easier to obtain,
and he was able to resume his natural form. (Aside from the occasional
change due to splashing. Gos was developing a surprising amount of
sympathy in his soul for Ranma.) In his natural form, he was finally
able to lose the rapidly growing company of determined Amazons,
obsessed non-Amazon females and furious males that had piled up in his
wake.
Once he was back to his uncursed self, it was a simple matter
to purchase a ticket from Shanghai to Japan, using the last of his
money. Now he was standing on the deck of the ship (carefully avoiding
the sea spray), watching the Chinese coast disappear over the horizon.
Thank the Kami, in just a few days, he'd be home again. Safe, safe at
last!
As was said before, invincible confidence born of total
cluelessness. Only in Nerima, folks. Only in Nerima.