BTW - before I get started, I gotta say this: width formatting is
ESSENTIAL!
If you don't know how to format for width, try WinHelper or a
similar app (if you need it I can email it to you - ask _privately_!). But
you MUST format these things to no more than 70 characters per line (use
four/five spaces instead of a tab, BTW). If you don't, it leads to problems
when people try to quote it (see below) and when some people who don't have
fancy mailers try to read it.
first fic alert aooga aooga
Man the battlestations! Full C&C ahead! ;)
Dominion Crisis
Dominion Tank Police / Bubblegum Crisis X-over
Hey, this one sounds like it could get interesting... ;)
Prologue
One of the thing Leona prided herself on was her skill
at driving and her
gunnery skills while driving and using her Bonaparte to fight
crime. When
her Bonaparte was destroyed in that horrible accident she was
depressed for
days only rousing out to look over the scematics for
Bonaparte again. The
rest of the force tried and tried to get her to face up to
the loss and
perhaps built a Bonaparte II. Most shocking of all was
finally when she
seemed to be over her loss, Leona put in a transfer to another police
department. Leona in her request cited she was unable to
continue working
where every one and everything reminded her of her beloved Bonaparte.
The FIRST thing I thought when I read this passage was as follows:
Leona.
Leona transferring - ADP?
Leona and Leon.
AAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!
Leona was due to transfer out within the next few days
and all the crew
thought of going away presents but none of the ideas they
came up with
seemed to be enough to replace her loss of Bonaparte. Then Al
thought up
something the rest of the crew thought was brilliant give her
Bonaparte II.
Thus the tank garage was declared off limits to Leona, not
that she went
there anyway. On the final day of her stay before her
transfer to Mega-Tokyo
to work with the AD Police. Al and the rest managed to drag
her down to the
tank garage. When they took off the blindfold and revealed it
to Leona her
she took one look and the spark that was missing in her eyes
returned, and
she was hugging the tank for all she was worth. The party
that followed was
one of the few Tank Police parties that involved some things
that the Chief
is still trying to figure out how they did ( like how they
managed to attach
an entire patrol tank to the wall of the garage, 30 feet up,
and upside
down at that [none of the force could either]).
At this point the most glaring problem I'm seeing is run-on
sentences. You want to avoid these like the plague! Either split them up,
or, if you can't, at least split up the paragraphs to make it seem like
less.
Nene Romanov was usually called to show newcomers the
ropes in the AD
Police patrol division but since Leona was already at least a
few years her
senior in age as well as experience she mostly was telling
Leona changes in
procedure from Newport and hundreds of other minor and boring
details.
Here's a good example of a run-on. One way to break this up could
be:
Nene Romanov was usually called upon to show newcomers the ropes in
the AD Police patrol division. However, since Leona was already at least a
few years her senior - in age as well as experience - she mostly was telling
the older officer of changes in procedure.
And so on. ;) There are better ways; this was off the top of my
head.
It
didn't help that Leona seemed preoccupied with the entrance
to the Station
as if expecting someone or something to arrive.
"Leona that's the third time i've told you that thing."
Need a comma between "Leona" and "that's", capitilize "I've". And
told her what thing, anyway?
"I know Nene it's just i'm waiting for someone"
Always, always, ALWAYS set off someone's name in dialogue with
commas, like so:
"I know, Nene, but it's just that I'm waiting for someone."
(you needed to capitalize and a period as well. :)
<snip>
"yes!" and with that Leona grabbed Nene and ran to the
elevator to the
garage leaving the delivery boy in her wake. the delivery boy
was perplexed
but his wasn't to reason why, it was to deliver.
<wince> Please, try not to butcher the reference if you're going to
use it. At least, make sure it's grammatically correct.
"Leona slow down.. your going to fast"
you're
your is a possesive, you're is a contraction (you are)
<snip>
"um, Leona was yours the only tank in your force?"
"of course not why'd you think they called it the Tank Police?"
"You mean you actually have live rounds in that thing?"
"Of course not, you never ship a tank with live rounds in it"
Nene sighed in relief it was just a souped up patrol car. a
bit more armored
Run-on... <sigh>
Change to:
Nene sighed in relief. It was just a souped up patrol car.
or something similar.
and customized but nothing really special. Then Nene saw the
box that Leona
was looking through.
"That isn't ammuniton for the tank?"
"no, just the special rounds i like to use"
"special rounds?"
"yeah, like AP, hellfire and some neat ones, the normal stuff
is in the
other box in behind the tank"
"you actually exepect to fight crime in this?"
"yeah isn't that what AD police does??"
"well... AD police usually is called upon to fight Boomers"
"oh you mean the robot thingies , But you do have to admit
Bonaparte does
look cute."
Nene had to admit the tank did look cute, but so could a girl
in a bunny
suit holding a M-60.
Um... okay....
_Nene_ is thinking that a 'girl in a bunny suit holding a M-60'
looks cute? Or is that the narrator talking? If so, you need to make it
more apparent - a new paragraph would work.
<snip>
Author notes:
Whoo hoo a prologue done now to get the the real nitty gritty
stuff an
actuall chapter heh heh.
For those who don't know Dominon Tank Police is a very rarely
fanfic'ed
anime, and i thought i'd put my spin on it. hopefully most of
it is in
character but.. hey it's my fanfic. also it's a first fic too.
and i tend to do the e.e. cummings thing. I almost never
capitalize i, go
figure.
No offense meant, but you're not e.e. cummings. Capitalize!
At this point the only thing keeping me interested in this fic is
the actual crossover itself. I can see great possibilities for Leona in the
ADP, but you need to do A LOT of technical work to make this fanfic great.
Right now, it's hard to read, somewhat confusing, and certainly annoying.
Run-on sentences are rampant throughout the fic (if you're in doubt
as to what one is, read it aloud as if you were speaking to a group. If
that doesn't help, have a friend do it and MAKE them be honest) and REALLY
need to be fixed.
Dialogue is also a major problem. Your narration is okay, but the
dialogue is horrid. Punctuation is essential, as is capitalization. If you
don't add the correct punctuation marks, it is nigh-impossible to discern
meaning.
In conclusion, I hope that you can solve these issues. As I said,
this crossover could be very interesting (I know nothing of your plot yet),
but your presentation needs work. Good luck!
Trevor Hoffert
AKA IsoFlex,
BattleKrome and more
ICQ 11725884
Brian Payne
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
Sofaspud's Couch and Fanfiction Archive!
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud