I'm a few days late on posting this one; gomen nasai!
-=-
It was night in Japan, and Ultra was just finishing on the
WaiWai cable network. People all across Japan were unplugging
themselves from the tube. Some kids zipped off to jukus, while other
headed to dojos, which were more abundant in the past few months.
Japanese teenage girls logged on into chat rooms to swap obscure facts
about their favorite fighters, and discuss rumors. Somewhere, someone
was learning about Johnny Cage's pink underwear. Housewives and
salarymen were taking varieties of depressants, some legal some not, to
lower their adrenaline after the fights. Valium's stocks alone had
tripled in the last month.
Hiroshi was playing with the blender built into his cybernetic
arm. Daisuke was not impressed.
"Look Daisuke! It can even 'frappe'! You want a shake or
something?" Hiroshi beamed, stuffing random food products into the
small slot. There was a horrible chainsaw noise coming from it, and
small food bits flew out.
"No thanks," his partner smiled nervously, trying to find a way
out of the hotel room. He started sneaking off when he saw Hiroshi's
eyes wander back to the food stocks. It was a good thing the door was so
close.
Hiroshi was still distracted, and there were only a couple meters
to go. What Daisuke hadn't counted on, was Hiroshi's motion detectors.
"IMPUDENT MEATY HUMAN!" Hiroshi's head jerked up and stared at
Daisuke. "YOU SHALL DRINK THIS SHAKE, CREATED FROM MY EXTENSIVE
KNOWLEDGE OF THE HUMAN TASTEBUDS! RESISTANCE IS UNINTERESTING, AND
MILDLY DANGEROUS!!" Which were precisely the words to describe the shake
being held out threateningly at him.
Daisuke made a mad dash for the door. But Hiroshi's new reflexes
took over, teleporting across the room, and through the sofa and his
partner. He stood menacingly in front of the door, holding out the shake
like an evil Ronald McDonald, who has just take an entire restaurant
hostage. He turned up the bass on his voice circuits "TASTE IT OR FACE
ANNIHILATION! C'mon Daisuke, its really nutritious!"
His normally bored partner paused. He knew he had seen that
teleportation move before. But he couldn't recall, and it was no time to
be recalling fighting moves. He had a few options, but fighting the one
some called the Caffeine Thunder was not one of them. Daisuke took a
better look at his impending doom.
The milkshake Hiroshi had created had the color and texture of a
little grey alien's skin. Occasionally bubbles would rise from the
bottom, and explode into gouts of flame when they came into contact with
the atmosphere. It did not look nutritious, or even slightly edible. In
fact, it looked like it might eat him. The shake quivered dangerously,
and Daisuke backed away. It was time for him to review his options. He
could
A) drink it,
B) try to escape again,
C) pray for divine intervention, or
D) fake a massive coronary.
Daisuke immediately began to think up a prayer. Then he looked at
the clock. It was too late. It was 9:30, and that meant Kasumi was
watching her evening drama. Curses. B seemed rather pointless. He
considered option D for a moment, but gave it up considering
Cyber-Hiroshi's advanced opticals. This left A. Daisuke gulped, hoping
he could do it again in a second. Taking the shake in his hands, he
closed his eyes, and opened his mouth. With all the courage he could
muster, thinking of all those in Ultra who did inhuman deeds, he took a
drink from the cup.
And spit it out all across Hiroshi's face.
"Jeeeezus Hiroshi," Daisuke choked," what level of hell did this
recipe come out of?! It tastes like Uncle Benki's Cream-Of-Clay!! I mean
this is so bad it could be a French Delicacy!! Dude! Your cooking is
worse than Akane's!!"
That one hit hard. Although they both pretended it was good when
they tried it, both knew the horrible truth of Akane's cooking. Daisuke
went on ranting for a moment, not noticing that Hiroshi's already red
eyes were now glowing. There would be a reckoning.
"ENOUGH!" Hiroshi's booming voice cut into Daisuke's rant. "HOW
DARE THIS PITIFUL FLESH THING CHALLENGE MY COOKING SKILL!! I AM THE
MASTER OF THE BISQUE!"
Daisuke froze. Only one person used that particular tone of
malice. Realization struck. Right before the attack did.
With inhuman grace, Hiroshi glided toward the wide-eyed Daisuke.
As he traveled, blue reflections of his form trailed behind him. With
one stick-thin arm, Hiroshi grabbed his partner by the collar. Daisuke
had time to sweatdrop.
All the lights in the hotel room went off. A horrible crunching
sound came out of the room the pair was staying in. Onlookers would have
seen a standing Hiroshi, and the Japanese characters for 'caffeine'
burning in the background. The front desk sent a repairman down to check
on the lights, who came up muttering curses about fighting games and
special effects.
Hiroshi blinked. "Daisuke?" he asked to the air, looking left and
right. His eyes had returned to their normal red color, and he had no
idea what just happened. "Daisuke? Where'd you go? Did you like the
shake?" Hiroshi looked down. Then, using the cell phone in his head, he
called NERV.
*****
Meanwhile, in the darkest pits of Nerima, something worse than
health shakes was arising. Behind the flashing casinos, and neon strip
bars which every good kid in Nerima, (and quite a few of the bad),
avoided, was an alley. And in the alley was a dumpster. And in the
dumpster was a dog. And Bingo was his name-o.
Or at least it was, before he was killed, partially eaten, left in
the dumpster and had begun to rot. A cloud of flies hovered around the
corpse, like a biblical plague. A black wind ripped down the alley,
throwing up newspapers, and blowing around bums. Garbage cans
overturned, spilling out bullet shells and illicit substances. Mood had
been set. Deep within the dumpster, something stirred.
A skeletal hand broke free of the trash, reaching toward the sky.
Following it was another, which gripped the metal edge of the dumpster,
pulling a dirt-caked skull free. Lightning shot across the sky in a
twisted fork of power. The skull was illuminated for a second, revealing
dark eyeless pits, and a grin like madness. It swiveled around to view
the alley, and the thunder came, rattling the buildings and the ground.
Then the lightning struck again. And again. And some more.
"Daaaaaaaaarling!!!!!"
*Zzapp*
Ataru Moroboshi ran through the alley. Lum chased after him,
sending bolts of electric fury left and right.
"Lum! No!! It wasn't a strip bar!! It was training!!
Senseiiiiii!!!!!" Ataru weaved left and right, vanishing down the far
end of the alley. Brief blasts lights lit up behind him, then faded
quickly. The skeleton sweatdropped.
But soon the darkness had reclaimed the scene. The skeleton gazed
out without eyes at the surroundings. A deep moan rumbled out from
somewhere near its chest. It was the sound of an earthquake.. of a
rockslide... of... of a man with a really bad headache. "Don't schee
anythin Betty?" Dr. Tofu sat up in the dumpster, swaying.
*Hic*
The good doctor's appearance would have violated the Hippocratic
Oath, had it included any part about personal hygiene. But it didn't,
and this was Japan anyway, so it didn't really matter. But the man was
just plain dirty. His glasses hung from his face, revealing eyes of more
red than white. His clothes were torn and stained with unmentionables.
If you went by his hair, he had joined a rock band. Maybe even a
Japanese Visual one. And his eyebrows were gone.
Dr. Tofu took another swig from the bottle in his left hand. It
was the standard random-yet-potent liquor that you get when you start
passing out in alleys. He was quite blitzed. In fact, it would be a bad
idea to light a match within three meters of the man.
"Great schtuff, ain't it?" He turned to Betty, offering her a
drink. Betty just stared back into his eyes. Or she would have, had
someone had planted eyes in her skull. But the illegal organ dealers
were working the next block over tonight, so it wasn't going to happen.
"Yer right," Tofu said to his skeletal companion, "I schould cut
down.. but! I don't care anymore.. so cheeersh!!" He lifted his bottle
to the sky, where it was promptly seized by a low flying object
traveling at high velocities, and only recognizable by its
characteristic voice.
"A bottle of beer, beeeeeeer!!!" Happosai cried out, like some
twisted parody of a line in a movie. He flew down the alley, bouncing
off walls. The bottle, which had been swiftly and masterfully chugged,
was thrown behind him to break on the head of random bum #54, who then
went unconscious. Happosai vanished down the same direction Ataru had,
laughing that strange Happosai laugh, and quickly vanishing from the
cameo shot.
Dr. Tofu began to cry. At first it was just the manly tears of
someone who had lost some damn good moonshine. But soon, it degraded
into the tears of one who had just lost all he cared about in this
world. Even that wasn't too bad. Then he hit 'crying like a junkie
without crack', and that was a step too far. He was about to start
sucking his thumb when Ryoga Hibiki entered the scene.
Ryoga strolled down the alley at a normal speed, occasionally
pausing to glance at a map, or frown and turn it another direction.
When he heard the crying, he peeked into the dumpster to see what was
up. At the sight of Dr. Tofu, his face brightened.
"Dr. Tofu I presume," his voice rang out.
Tofu peeked out from the rag he was using as a tissue. Seeing
Ryoga, he immediately threw it off to one side, and tried to straighten
up. He coughed a couple times, and pretended he was just choking on
something.
"Ah... Ryoghah... whatt're you doing here?" Tofu slurred, trying
to deepen his voice. He came out sounding like an American southerner.
Ryoga brought his face closer to Tofu, who smiled innocently at him.
Ryoga cocked his head to one side like an inquisitive cat, only to get
knocked back four meters when Dr. Tofu exhaled.
"Man!!" coughed the wandering boy, picking himself out of some
garbage. "What have you been drinking? I've seen pickled cabbage before,
but this is the first time I've seen pickled Tofu!" Someone nearby threw
at tomato at him.
"I'hm not d-drunk..." Tofu mumbled, "I'hm jusht.. jusht.. a
shalarey man... yesh... startin up a new career. *Hic*" Dr. Tofu
grinned like an idiot.
Ryoga slapped him. Not hard, mind you, because a hard slap from
Ryoga could take the heads off stone statues. But neither was it a
little wussy slap, like a gentleman trying to start a duel. No, it was a
hearty 'sober the hell up' slap. Tofu's glasses flew off his face. By
appearances it worked well.
The color returned to Dr. Tofu's face, and the little red stripe
across his nose and cheeks vanished. His eyes returned to normal, and
the little swirly effect over his head vanished completely. Best yet,
the stupid grin was gone.
"Feel better?" Ryoga offered.
Dr. Tofu returned his head to a decent angle, and nodded.
"Thanks a lot," Tofu said, squinting, trying to get everything in
focus. He hastily realized the problem, and started searching for his
glasses.
"Sorry about that, but I haven't been doing well recently. So
what brings you here?" He had found his glasses, and was fiddling with
the straps.
Ryoga just shrugged.
"Same thing that brings me everywhere else."
Tofu nodded slightly.
"I was searching around," Ryoga continued, "And I happened to
come here. Hey Doc?"
"Yes Ryoga?"
Why don't you have any eyebrows?"
Dr. Tofu put his glasses on quickly. They were large enough to
hide his naked forehead.
"Its a long story," he said quickly, blushing. "So what were you
searching for?"
"Well, I figured I'd go see that Fighting Tournament, Ultra. My
cousin Dan is in it, and I heard he recently got a belt or something.
Figured I'd go cheer him on or something," Ryoga shrugged.
"What, not going to fight Ranma to win Akane?" Dr. Tofu looked
doubtful.
"Nah," Ryoga shrugged again, "I'm not bothering with that... you
know, ever since he left, it just hasn't seemed all that important. Its
like... everything has gone normal or something."
He looked into the eyes of a still drunk Dr. Tofu, and realized how
stupid he sounded.
"But what about you? You could come with and see Kasumi..."
Ryoga couldn't finish his sentence,
"Oh sweet Kasumi-kami-sama-chaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!" Dr. Tofu cried out
to the night sky, and resumed blubbering.
"I see..." was Ryoga's only response. He patted the crying Doctor
on his back, "So that's it... couldn't you go and see her though? She
still acts like the same Kasumi."
"But she's so... so..." Tofu sputtered.
"Omniscient?" Ryoga asked.
"Yes!! I mean, what am I but a bug to her now? And 'do you want a
cup of coffee?' just doesn't work on God!! I have no chance at all!!!"
Tears watered the garbage.
"I don't think so," Ryoga tried to be sympathetic. "I mean, I
think she is still the same at heart. Maybe you could go there, and
impress her or something."
"Yes! Impress! That's it!! I will go there to join the tournament,
and fight to win Kasumi's love!!" Dr. Tofu shouted, giving in to the
force which eventually claims most of Nerima. Dr. Tofu stood up
triumphantly in the garbage, and then fell completely out.
"Whoa there," Ryoga cautioned, "I think its going to take some
time to dry you out before you'll be fighting anyone."
He helped Dr. Tofu to his feet, and took Betty out for extra
support.
"You're right," Tofu admitted. "Hey Ryoga... do me a favor? Get
me some coffee or something. It'll help."
Ryoga nodded in agreement.
"OK, I'll run down to Ucchan's and get some."
Ryoga turned toward the alley's exit.
"Ucchan's? But that's 20 blocks down? Why not just go around the
corner and grab some from the kissaten?" Ryoga turned back,
stammered.
"I... uh... I need to return something to Ukyo! Yeah... that's it,
I uh... borrowed something and..."
"OK," the doctor interrupted, "But can you get there? Will you
be OK?"
"C'mon Doc," Ryoga exclaimed, "I've got a map!"
Forty-five minutes later, he arrived.
*****
Ucchan's was open late, so he just walked in and greeted her.
After a few minutes chitchat, he had the coffee. But when he mentioned
where they were going, her eyes lit up.
"The Ultradome! Do you think I could hang out with you guys there?
I want to check the place out."
Ukyo looked very interested.
"I suppose," Ryoga said, noncommittally.
"That's great!" she bubbled, "I was thinking about putting up an
Okonomiyaki stand there! Can you imagine the business it would get?"
Ryoga nodded.
"Thanks so much Ryoga. Now you better get that coffee to
Dr. Tofu before it gets cold."
"Yeah, sure thing Ukyo... oh and by the way..."
Ukyo looked towards Ryoga.
"Would you like to see it with us while you're there? I could get
you a seat or something... you could sit next to me... and... talk
or something..." Ryoga trailed off.
"Uhm, sounds good Ryo-kun. I'll see you there, OK?"
Ryoga nodded, and headed out the door, cursing himself. He did
that all the way back to Dr. Tofu, which turned out to be quite a ways.
"Did anything happen Ryoga? You took quite a while..."
Dr. Tofu looked concerned, although it might have been about the
ice-cold coffee instead of his friend.
"Nah," replied the other, "This map is just hard to go by."
Ryoga looked at the said map in confusion, and turned it upside
down.
"That's a map of Cambodia," Dr. Tofu said, peeking at it.
"Oh!" Ryoga said, tossing it into the dumpster, "Its a good thing
I bought another one while I was out. And I got you something... I met
Nabiki around here, and she was selling some videos of Ultra or
something. I figured I'd pick up a couple, so you could watch em. You
know, so when you do sober up, you can know how your opponents fight."
"Really? I wonder what a sweet girl like Nabiki is doing around a
place like this?"
"Well, she does own about half of these bars."
"...." Dr. Tofu looked into his coffee.
"Oh. Well then. Anyway, lets have a look at these videos you got."
Dr. Tofu and Ryoga took a look at the title.
ULTRA UNCENSORED!! SAKURA VS. SOFIA, IN THE MUDPIT!!!
Sweatdrop. The tapes were quickly discarded. For a few moments,
there was only silence.
"Well," Dr. Tofu proposed, "may as well go then."
"Right," said Ryoga, "I'll lead."
He grabbed Dr. Tofu by the hand.
"Now Ryoga, we have a long time before the next tournament night.
Quite a few days I think. You know where the Ultradome is?"
"Sure I do!" Ryoga seemed cheery, "Come on, we'll go there
tonight for tickets... Then we can head home until the night of the
tourney. Don't worry, I've got a map!"
They arrived five minutes before the opening ceremony.
*****
LIVE!
FROM THE ULTRADOME!
THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
AND IMPROFANFIC!
IT'S TIME FOR...
{ M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R }
{ F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N }
{ .-----------. }
{ | U-L-T-R-A | }
{ `-----------' }
{ http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }
Episode 15 : So Happy It's Thursday
Written by Yun Cheolsu
Intro Written by Mike Thrall, Edited by Yun Cheolsu
Additional Plot Devices by Chu Cheongbo
*****
<Words in angle brackets are translated from Chinese.>
{Words in curly brackets are unspoken thoughts.}
*****
Many an author has attempted to describe the sheer pandemonium
inherent in an episode of Ultra. Terms such as earthquake, riot, and
"Kasumi-sama what a racket!" have been tossed around like so many
frisbees. But none of the authors have even come close to describing the
unbridled insanity that comes with being an Ultra fan. To say that the
Ultradome was packed would be one of the grossest understatements of all
time. A seemingly infinite number of crazed otaku crammed themselves
into a space which, if not for the grace of Kasumi Herself, would have
collapsed under the sheer weight of the crowd. The stands were packed
with just about every race and nationality you could imagine, and some
that you couldn't, bearing idiotic signs such as "316... Dan's weight
and Washu's IQ," "Tatewaki Kuno: I will date with thee!" and, believe it
or not, there were still fanboys carrying pictures of Sakura in her
leather fuku. Only one voice could possibly get this gaggle any more
worked up than they already were.
"ARE YOU READY FOR SOME VIOLENCE!!!" Cyber-Hiroshi shouted doubly
amplified, a move which, as previously stated, sent the already
hysterical crowd into fits of pure unadulterated lunacy.
"It's S.H.I.T. night here on Ultra and have we got a show for you
today, Two Omega matches, a new Omega fighter, and one Lambda match!"
"And don't forget," A very red-eyed Daisuke monotoned, "Tonight's
Gamma match will rekindle an old rivalry. And it's 'So Happy It's
Thursday,' not 'S.H.I.T. Night."
"That's right, Daisuke. This one has been festering for over a
year and I for one am surprised it took this long for the challenge to
be issued."
"Well it looks like the match is about to start so let's go over
to our Gamma referee, from Brooklyn, New York, in the United States of
America..."
At this point "Jump Around" by House of Pain began blaring through
the PA system, causing the crowd to lose control yet again.
Daisuke continued, "Mr. Mario Mario."
"Oh, come on, Daisuke, say it with some feeling," Switch on the
voice processor, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MARIOOOOOOO MARIOOOOOOOO!"
Hiroshi's cybernetic implants made the plumber's name echo around
the dome.
A small gaggle of Mario fans, dressed in red shirts and blue
overalls, leapt up and started dancing and shouting "Jump! Jump! Jump!"
at the appropriate point in the song.
Mario leaped into the ring (did you expect him to enter any other
way?) and grabbed the microphone. "In-a dis corna... with da big-a
wooden sword-a... TATEWAKI KUNO!"
"Jump Around" quickly changed to "Thunderstruck" at which point
the Mario freaks sat down. The arena went dark as several strobe lights
went off in a shocking (no pun intended) simulation of lightening.
Several audience members began chanting "Thunder! Thunder! Thunder!" as
Kuno strutted down the ramp, bokken in hand. He calmly climbed under the
ropes and into the ring.
"And-a in dis corna..." Mario shouted as the music changed to
"Jajauma ni Sasenaide," "A guy with a curse-a I don wanna have..."
"Can the commentary, Plumber!"
"...RANMA SAOTOME!"
And the crowd went berserk. Ranma walked calmly down the ramp
avoiding the touch of rabid fans, and the occasional joker with a
squirtgun.
Ranma, in a surprisingly accurate impersonation of the referee,
leapt from the ramp, landed on Kuno's head, bounced off, performed a
back flip and landed in his own corner in a perfect fighting stance.
Kuno, having been robbed of all traces of his dignity, got up from
the mat rubbing his skull.
"How dare you violate the cranium of Tatewaki Kuno!"
"Well it's not like you use it for anything else!" Ranma taunted
in retaliation.
Hiroshi and Daisuke just nodded.
"Feh..." Kuno fehed, "Your feeble Dan-like attempts at
intimidation are of no avail, Saotome."
"Then whatta ya say we cut the chit-chat and start fighting."
"A wise proposition."
GAMMA FIGHT: RANMA SAOTOME VS. TATEWAKI KUNO
In what most Furinkan High School students would describe as an
absurdly predictable move Kuno charged forward swinging his bokken
wildly. Ranma, in another absurdly predictable move leapt over the
kendo-ka and pushed off of the back of his head thrusting both
combatants in opposite directions. Ranma, naturally, came out of that
move in much better condition than Kuno. The gi-clad samurai-wannabe
stumbled into Ranma's corner, shook the cobwebs out of his head, and,
leaning on his bokken for support, turned to face his opponent.
"And Ranma has struck the first blow," Daisuke monotoned.
"Kuno looks a bit out of sorts," Hiroshi polytoned.
"And this is unusual how?"
"If I know Kuno he'll be back fighting shortly. And trust me
folks, if anybody knows these two combatants it's me and Daisuke."
"Sad but true."
As Hiroshi predicted Kuno regained his balance, looked up,
scowled, pointed his bokken at Ranma and said, "Twice, today thou hast
violated my noble head."
Ranma grimaced.
Kuno charged once again. Ranma leapt into the air aiming a well
timed jump kick at Kuno's skull.
"And Ranma's going for the head again!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "I
can't imagine why, Kuno doesn't really have that much worth damaging up
there."
Ranma flew forward at a neck spinning pace while Kuno brought his
bokken upward. Just inches before Ranma's foot would have made contact
Kuno's bokken made contact...
...with a part of Ranma's body Ranma held in very high regard. A
part which had not yet been used to its full potential, but which Akane
(and Ukyo and Shampoo and Kodachi) had very great plans for the future.
Ranma's eyes went wide as he grabbed his very sensitive area.
Every man in the audience, including Hiroshi and Daisuke, crossed
his legs, the Mario fans took their hats off.
Hiroshi finally regained his voice, however subdued and mournful,
"...and Ranma is down."
"I'll say..." Daisuke concurred.
Ranma fell to the ground gasping for air. Mario walked over to the
fallen fighter and began...
"One."
The beginning of the count echoed in Ranma's head. He had to get
up. He couldn't lose. Not to Kuno.
"Two."
Kuno stood in his corner, a smile creeping across his face.
"Three."
The crowd was starting to boo both Kuno and Mario.
"Four."
Ranma looked around struggling to get up.
"Five."
His eyes landed on his salvation.
"Six."
A glass of water on the announcers' table sitting in front of
Daisuke.
"Seven."
Ranma, still unable to stand began to low-crawl across the mat
towards the table
"...and Ranma seems to be coming this way!" Hiroshi intoned,
perplexedly.
"Eight."
Ranma reached between the ropes and grabbed Daisuke's water.
"Hey! What are you doing?"
"Nine."
"Thanks, Dai. I owe ya one," Ranma said emptying the glass on
himself, turning his hair an interesting shade of red and causing the
male members of the audience to uncross their legs. Ranma leapt to her
feet sending the crowd into hysterics (although that may have been due
to a decidedly un-masculine amount of bouncing.)
Mario stopped counting and retreated from the ring.
"Well that was original," Daisuke deadpanned.
"What an ingenious move by Ranma!" Hiroshi exclaimed, "What better
way to recover from an injury than by ridding yourself of the injured
part."
A resounding groan erupted from the crowd as various audience
members pelted Cyber-Hiroshi with food products of questionable origin.
"Ah," the ever oblivious Kuno stated, "My pig-tailed goddess has
come to cheer me on. I have only to..."
The "Pig Tailed Goddess" opened up a can on her number one
admirer. A quick Amaguriken was followed by a leg sweep, a punch to the
midsection, and the ever popular kick to the head.
"Ranma looks like he didn't enjoy that experience one bit!"
Hiroshi bellowed.
"Would you?"
"This is getting violent even by Ranma vs. Kuno standards!"
One final uppercut sent Kuno flying into the rafters. He got
tangled in some wiring and hung there, totally unconscious, for the ten
count.
"The winna!" Mario cried holding Ranma's hand in the air "Ranma Saotome!"
And the crowd, once again, went berserk.
*****
Backstage Sakura, after looking around to make sure nobody was
around, closed and locked the door to her dressing room. She stripped
her clothes off and proceeded into what, since Ryu's arrival, had become
almost a daily occurrence. She concentrated intently on his image and
began her movements, building in intensity, her breathing became ragged
and heavy as the movements became faster, until she finally could take
no more and collapsed on the ground, dripping with sweat and breathing
heavily.
Katas took a lot out of her.
*****
Nearby at a pay phone (which had been specially altered to accept
currency from several different dimensions) Bean Bandit had apparently
made an ass of himself.
"Hello," the female voice on the other end said.
"Rally, babe," Bean responded.
"Oh, you want Rally. Hang on I'll get her."
"Get her?" Bean thought.
"Vincent here," a different female voice said.
"Hey, Rally, babe, what's up?"
"Uhm... who is this?"
"It's me, Rally, don't you recognize my voice?"
"Uh... no."
"But you are Rally Vincent?"
"Yes."
{That's odd,} Bean thought, {How many Rally Vincents are...
there...}
Bean grimaced and mentally smacked himself. Of all the stupid
mistakes he could have made...
...he'd called the wrong Rally Vincent!
"Sorry," he said, "Wrong number. Say hi to May for me."
"Wait, who is thi..."
Bean hung up and took a small piece of paper out of his wallet
which read:
HOME: 555-5880
GUNSMITH CATS: 555-5888
Bean grimaced again. He stood there, out of change, silently
berating himself until he heard Hiroshi's voice coming from the arena.
"LADIEEEES AND GENTLEMEN! IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S LAMBDA MATCH!"
Tifa came running towards him.
"There you are! I've been looking all over for you! The match is
about to start, c'mon!"
She grabbed Bean's arm and led him to the entrance ramp. Mario's
voice came over the loudspeaker "In-a dis corna! At a combined total of
two-hundred pounds from-a the waist up BEAN BANDIT AND TIFA LOCKHEART!"
Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law" came over the loudspeaker as
Bean and his new partner strutted down the ramp. Someone had
conveniently placed a pile of cinderblocks on a table in their corner.
Bean leapt into the ring and smashed them all with his head.
At the other end of the ring half of the other team was feeling a
tad jittery.
"That big American scares me, Sensei," the younger of the two said
trembling.
"Worry not, m'boy, we shall defeat these heathens and emerge
victorious!"
"That was very Kuno-like, Sensei."
"The lovely Ranma can turn any man into a poet."
"I still don't know what you see in that cross-dresser."
"A woman's a woman, lad, regardless of how she was born."
"And-a in this corna! Lock up-a you daughters cause here's-a TEAM
HENTAI!" Mario announced.
And the crowd went wild... yaay.
Ataru and Happosai entered the ring greeted by varied jeers. Happi
leapt into the crowd, accompanied by several feminine screams and cries
of disgust. He returned to Ataru's side approximately five seconds later
cradling about twenty pairs of panties in his arms. Ataru was impressed.
"Wow!" he cried, "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen! Show
me how to do that!"
"In due time, m'boy, in due time. You still have much to learn."
Happi nuzzled the panties. Ataru grabbed a pair off the stack and
his eyes went wide...
...whoever owned THESE panties must have been bigger than Bean and
Tifa put together!
Master and student looked at the undergarments in shock. Their
eyes scanned the crowd and landed on a woman who, as predicted, took up
about three seats. She winked and blew a kiss to Happi. A visible
shudder went through both perverts.
Tifa climbed into the ring whispering to Bean.
"Remember what we planned," she said.
"10-4," Bean replied.
Tifa looked confused.
"It means OK."
Tifa nodded. The bell rang.
LAMBDA FIGHT: BEAN/TIFA VS. TEAM HENTAI
What happens next takes longer to describe than it took to do.
Tifa stood in her corner and struck a very pleasant pose. Being
rather well endowed, even by Anime standards, she caught the attention
of the two sukebe across the ring from her.
"DOUBLE GLOMP ATTACK!" Team Hentai screamed in unison, launching
themselves towards the loveliness that was Tifa's body.
Tifa grinned and tagged Bean, who jumped in, grabbed the two
flying etchi, and slammed them both into the mat with enough force to
make Hiroshi and Daisuke wince.
The whole thing was over in 2.3 seconds.
"OH MY GODDESS!" Hiroshi screamed leaping out of his chair and
sending it flying into a pair Lego-men put there to keep the crowd from
rushing the arena. Extra security was needed when Team Hentai was
involved.
Even Daisuke seemed visibly impressed. "Wow," he said, showing
more emotion than he had in the last three episodes (which still wasn't
that much.) "I've just received word from the producer that this has
been the fastest match in Ultra history!"
"This is so incredibly cool!" Hiroshi gushed. "It's a new record,
folks. I've never seen..."
At that point a voice loud enough to drown out Cyber-Hiroshi's
twice amplified voice erupted from backstage, "I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR
LUNGS OUT WITH A [SPORK]!!!"
The Ultradome went silent except for Hiroshi and Daisuke blinking
audibly.
"What the hell was that?" Daisuke asked no-one in particular.
Hiroshi was conversing with a Lego-man and finally spoke up.
"I've just been told that Mr. Yotsuya is on the scene and has the
whole story for us. Mr. Yotsuya..."
Yotsuya faced the camera wearing his trademark grin. In the
background Jack Lysias, whose face was as red as his hair, was busy
throttling Mousse. Nearby Mr. Duck, who was now half the duck he used to
be, lay to their left...
...and their right.
"I'm here on the scene where apparently a murder has just taken
place, an act of senseless violence even more gratuitous than the
tournament itself. In what would have been a bloodbath, had the victim
had any blood in his body, the Chinese combatant Mu Si, of the Lambda
division has apparently cleft Mr. Duck, co-manager of the Sex and
Violence stable, in twain. I am told that we have footage of the deed so
let's roll the tape."
A reel of tape rolled across in the background. Even Mousse and
Jack stopped to watch it go by.
*****
Up in the control room Nabiki watched with her jaw hanging open as
the tape rolled across the screen. She grimaced.
"OK, WHO DID THAT?!" she bellowed.
*****
Up in her office, Kasumi grinned.
*****
The tape played out for the audience to see.
Jack walked up to Mousse, Mr. Duck in hand and a bandage on his
chin.
"Mr. Mu," he said with quite un-Jack-like seriousness.
Mousse glared at him, "What... the hell happened to your chin?"
"Ahem... uh... I... uh... slipped in the shower... yeah, that's
it. But that's not important Si, may I call you Si?"
"No."
"I have been asked to inform you that after seeing your match
against the Pokemon and his trainer that Mr. Duck has had a revelation."
You know that sense of impending doom you get when you know
someone is about to say something you don't want to hear. Mousse had
that feeling now.
"I am here to inform you that Mr. Duck has fallen in love!"
Shampoo, who was nearby drinking a soda, collapsed on the floor,
doubled over with laughter.
Mousse glared at her.
"Shampoo, this is not funny."
"Yes is funny. Is funniest thing Shampoo ever heard!" She was
rendered speechless by her own laughter. After catching her breath she
asked, "Shampoo thought Mr. Duck was man."
"Oh, he is," Jack explained. "I had no idea he was gay."
Mr. Duck squeaked.
"And neither did he apparently. But when he saw your friend here
attack Ash Ketchum something stirred deep inside Mr. Duck and he then
and there declared his love for Mu Si."
Shampoo noticed a blue glow illuminating the newly homosexual duck
and quickly realized that the source of the glow was Mousse, who was
giving off the biggest, brightest battle aura she had ever seen.
"You little freak," Mousse grumbled. "First get me turned into a
duck on international TV, then you get that little brat to trap me in a
ball..."
Shampoo winced.
"And now you tell me that a bath toy has fallen in love with me!"
"Bath toy!" Jack cried indignantly, "Never have I heard such an
outrageous statement! I'm sorry Mr. Duck the young man obviously doesn't
know what he's..."
By this time a rather nasty looking sword had sprung from Mousse's
robe. Mousse grabbed the hilt, swung with all his might...
...and hacked Mr. Duck neatly in two.
Jack looked at the newly bisected ex-duck, dumbstruck.
"Aya," Shampoo said, "Mousse, you break crazy man's duck."
Jack let the remains of his best friend drop from his hands. He
then produced a blinding battle aura which made Mousse's, which has
already been established as quite impressive, look like a nightlight.
"You," Jack growled, "You killed Mr. Duck."
Mousse Fehed.
"YOU KILLED MR. DUCK!" Jack screamed, "I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR LUNGS
OUT WITH A [SPORK]!!!"
*****
"And that," Yotsuya commented, "Brings us to the present, where
Mr. Lysias's rage apparently knows no equal."
Sure enough Mousse was turning as purple as Shampoo's hair as the
Amazon in question and a small army of Lego-men attempted to free him
from Jack's grip.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and that's nothing
compared to a pissed-off Controversial Jack.
Shampoo stopped prying and opted for the more direct route of
punching Jack squarely in the face. Jack staggered backwards clutching
his nose as the two Amazons and the Lego-men were surrounded by four of
the six members of Sex and Violence.
"Bad move," Cage said flatly.
"You want fight," Shampoo stated, "We take on whole stable, no
problem."
Sofia cracked her whip, Team Rocket drew their pokeballs, Shampoo
drew her bonbori, and Mousse had blades extending from just about any
opening one could imagine on his robe (and some that one couldn't.) The
two Chinese warriors, ready and willing to take on the whole of Sex and
Violence in one battle, stood back to back.
Jack grinned.
"Stop," a voice cried out from outside the circle.
James and Jessie made a hole as Morrigan strode between the two.
"We'll settle this in the ring," she said, "Lillith and I will
teach you to respect your superiors."
"We'll be there," Mousse stated indignantly.
Jack led the stable away, heaping praise on the two Succubi who
had volunteered to defend the honor of the dear departed Mr. Duck.
"Thanks, Shampoo," Mousse, "I was starting to black out there."
"No need thank Shampoo, Mousse," she said, grinning, "Is title on
line now."
*****
"Well," Daisuke stated, "It seems that since the regularly
scheduled Lambda match was so short, that Kasumi-sama has agreed to let
these two teams go at it this week!"
"You've got to admire the loyalty of Clan Aensland, putting their
title on the line for a rubber duck."
"Do I?"
*****
"He's here," one of the Lego-men stated.
"It's a shame what happened to Sana," another intoned.
"I know."
The two Lego-men bowed in greeting to the newcomer who had just
stepped out of the portal. He mumbled something unintelligible.
"What did he say?"
"I don't know... I don't speak English."
*****
The Lego-men's boss was currently helping her friend get ready for
his match which was to start in a few minutes.
"You ready?" Tron asked.
"Yep," replied the friend who was dressed in a two-tone blue suit
of full body armor, "Batteries charged, weapons ready, armor check, all
we need is the buster."
Tron handed him a blue tube which he slid over his hand and
fastened to his forearm.
"Go kick some ass," Tron said smiling.
He put a blue helmet on his head and walked out the door.
*****
"And now," Hiroshi bellowed, "The moment you've all been waiting
for, our first of two Omega matches for this week."
"This match pits one of our former champions against a brand new
fighter," Daisuke added, "Hiroshi, why don't you introduce him for us."
"With pleasure, Daisuke! Ladies and gentlemen, coming to us from
the city of Monsteropolis, the greatest creation of Dr. Thomas Light..."
*****
Over in the city of Okayama the Masaki family's TV was covered
with soda as Washu and Gally performed simultaneous spit takes and
shouted "THOMAS LIGHT!?" in perfect unison.
*****
"...The Blue Bomber, himself," Hiroshi continued, "MEGAMAN!"
A streak of blue light fell from above streaking past the still
dangling Kuno. Upon hitting the mat it formed into a ball of energy
which began to take the shape of a small boy. The shape solidified into
the body of Rock who waved to the crowd greeted by more applause than he
thought possible.
"He's up for our first Omega match of the evening, folks," Daisuke
said, "But first let's bring out our guest announcer, as Hiroshi has to
report to NERV for a check-up."
"Yep," Cyber-Hiroshi rumbled, "I could use a good lube-job."
The crowd awwed.
"Don't worry people! I'll be back for the next match! But in my
stead, you know her and love her, Ms. SANA KURATA!"
A Lego-man ran up the aisle and whispered something in Hiroshi's
ear.
"I've just been informed that Sana Kurata has been hit by a car
and is in the hospital. Looks like you'll have to go solo again,
Daisuke."
Daisuke, who was at that moment handing a large stack of bills to
Bean, jumped and stammered, "Oh... uh... That's OK, Kasumi-sama has
arranged for a replacement."
"Good, then," Hiroshi stated as he got up...
...and collapsed on the floor rather clumsily.
"Just in time for your tune-up, Hiroshi," Daisuke said.
Cyber-Hiroshi just screamed in a voice only Haohmaru could match,
"My ass fell asleep!"
Daisuke just looked at him.
"I didn't know an ass could fall asleep!" Hiroshi cried.
"Well the guys from NERV will be here shortly so why don't you
just..."
"I can't feel my ass, Daisuke!"
"I can't feel your ass either, Hiroshi. Can somebody feel
Hiroshi's ass?"
A disturbingly loud cheer erupted from the crowd. Daisuke
sweatdropped.
A group from NERV arrived with a stretcher and carried Hiroshi
away.
*****
{I'm finally gonna get lucky,} Shin-Shinji thought.
He splashed on some cologne and tried to make himself more
presentable. Rei was in his bedroom! Ms. "If I am ordered to I will do
it" finally agreed to... well... DO IT! He strutted into his room and
found Rei laying on the floor spread eagle.
"Hmm," he said, "All that's missing is the bow."
"Shinji," she said in a manner which made Daisuke seem manic.
"Yes," he said suavely.
"I have lost the feeling in my buttocks."
The scream that burst from Shinji's mouth would have impressed
Haohmaru.
*****
"Well," Daisuke stated, "It seems Hiroshi may be out a little
longer than expected. But we'll get by. Ladies and gentlemen, our
co-announcer for the evening, from the American town of South Park,
Colorado, please welcome Mr. Kenny McCormick."
A fast Psychobilly tune erupted from the sound system as various
murmurs of "Who?" rumbled through the crowd.
A small child of about Sana's age came in through the entrance
ramp. He wore a wore an orange parka which covered his face except for
the eyes. He sauntered down the ramp, jumped on the announcers' table
and addressed the crowd...
"Mmmhmmhmmhmhmmmmhmmhmmhmm!" He screamed waving a hand in the air
eliciting cheers from the crowd (who, as we all know will accept just
about any reason to make noise.)
"Uh..." Daisuke said cursing his luck, "Yeah."
"Mmmhmmhmhmmhmm."
"That's disgusting. Anyway... Let's head out to the Stardust
Desert on the planet Myce for our first Omega match of the evening."
The TitanTron flipped on to reveal vast expanses of highly
reflective white sand, two dimensional gates hanging open rather
conspicuously...
...and no fighters.
"Mhmmhmhmhmhmhmmmmhmhm!" Kenny exclaimed.
"I don't know," Daisuke answered, visibly startled.
*****
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Nabiki screamed.
"They're not there," someone said.
"I CAN SEE THAT! WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY!"
"We don't know."
"Well find them!"
*****
"Oh, my," Kami-sama stated.
"I take it this wasn't supposed to happen?" Xellos inquired,
raising an eyebrow.
"I don't know," Kasumi said accusingly, "Who's in charge of the
dimensional gates?"
Xellos giggled nervously, "Ahem... Sore-wa himitsu desu."
Kasumi glared at him.
*****
Nabiki swallowed a grand total of five Advil which didn't do a
hell of a lot for her headache, but she decided to try anyway.
"We've got'em!" someone shouted.
"You're kidding me!" Nabiki shouted, "Where are they?!"
"They're... no, this can't be right."
"What is it? What is it?"
"They're... they're in America."
Nabiki felt her headache getting worse.
*****
"OK," Daisuke said, "We're getting a signal. They've found the
fighters. Megaman and his opponent are somewhere in America."
The TitanTron switched to a small American town where Megaman and
Sephiroth had already begun fighting. Scores of Americans ran screaming
from the wreckage. The rubble bore signs reading "Jimbo's Guns," and
"Tom's Rhinoplasty," which the act of reading sent Kenny into hysterics.
"Mhmhmhmhmhmhm!" he cried.
"South Park?" Daisuke asked, "Isn't that where you're from."
Kenny grunted in the affirmative and nodded his head.
*****
Megaman coughed and clutched his side. This guy was good. When
they stepped out of their respective gates all he saw was some
long-haired weirdo with a really big sword. "No problem," he thought, "A
gun'll beat a sword any day."
Unfortunately this statement is only true if the wielder of said
gun is able to get a shot off, which Megaman was not. Actually Dr.
Light's pride and joy was getting thrown from one building to another,
causing more collision damage than he could have with his Megabuster. He
pulled himself from the wreckage of what looked like a school and
watched a small man with a sock puppet run away.
"Pathetic," Sephiroth stated floating over to the demolished
schoolbuilding, "I ask for a challenge and this is what they give me."
The One-Winged Angel shook his head sadly. "You are nothing more than a
diversion. Weaker than the self-proclaimed master of evil. I should..."
He was cut off as Megaman released the trigger inside his
Megabuster sending a ball of plasma the size of an Eva's hand flying
towards his opponent. Sephiroth, visibly startled by the size of the
projectile, caught the full force of the blast directly in the chest and
flew backwards at an impressive velocity.
*****
"I repeat!" the newsman on the Marsh's TV said, "Two unknown
combatants have mysteriously appeared in South Park and appear to be
carrying on their battle with no regard to collateral damage. We have no
word yet on the identity of either of these..." The signal disintegrated
into static.
"Sweet!" Stan exclaimed.
"I wonder if we can see it from here?" Kyle wondered.
"Dude!" Stan declared, "Check it out one of `ems coming this way."
"Yeah right," Cartman said, "You're not gonna get me..."
At that moment Sephiroth flew through one end of the house,
directly into Cartman, and out the other side of the house.
"Sweet!" Stan cried.
"Totally," Kyle concurred as Megaman ran through the newly created
tunnel, oblivious to the two young boys watching him.
He ran towards another demolished house where the dark one was
dusting himself off.
"Perhaps I underestimated you," Sephiroth stated, "I shall not
make that mistake again. FIRE 3!"
Megaman felt his body heat up to an absurd temperature. He saw his
armor burst into flames and fizzle out rather quickly.
"Fireproof armor," Sephiroth spoke, "Not bad."
*****
"Megaman's robotic nature seems to be helping him out immensely."
Kenny was laughing hysterically, "Hmmhmhmmhmhmhmmhhmmhmhhm!"
"And which `Fat-ass' would that be?"
"Hmhmhmmmhmhmhmmhmhmhm."
"So why are you laughing?"
"Hmmmmhmhmhmhmhmhmmmhmmm."
"I see."
*****
Megaman was perplexed. His most powerful attack had sent the guy
flying, but not much else. And now the freak was climbing out of the
rubble and rushing toward him.
"Aww man!" he said pulling a small purple crystal from his belt
and placing it into a compartment in his Megabuster. A wave of energy
coursed through his body turning his armor from two-tone blue to
two-tone purple. "TIME STOPPER!"
Sephiroth froze in mid jump.
*****
"Mmmhmhmmhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmmmmhmm."
"That's right, Megaman seems to be digging into his reserve of
stolen powers."
"Mmmmhmmhmmhmmmmmhmmhmm?"
"No I don't think his purple armor means anything."
"Mmmhmmhmmhmmmmmhmm."
"That's disgusting."
Kenny laughed.
*****
Megaman ran through the streets of South Park trying to collect
his thoughts and think of a strategy. Whoever this guy was, he was
stronger than Gutsman and had more firepower than Heatman! Not to
mention he was probably less specialized than either of those two. But
for all his power he seemed almost perfectly human. His power had to
come from an outside source. There was no other explanation.
Then Megaman saw it.
It was a small red crystal sphere which was radiating so much
energy that Megaman noticed it without any visual enhancement.
He heard a small beep as his armor reverted to its original blue
color. This was followed by a crash and a few words Kasumi probably
wouldn't the people at home hear. He then saw Sephiroth float over a
large pile of rubble.
"Impressive," the dark one stated fixing a cold stare on the blue
one, "You must show me how you do that."
Megaman, being a robot, was normally not much for praying.
However, having met God in the flesh (so to speak) he figured it
wouldn't hurt.
He dropped the red crystal into his Megabuster and watched his
armor change from two-tone blue to red on black.
"So what do you have for me now, Boy?" Sephiroth asked.
"I'm wondering that myself," Megaman replied pulling the trigger.
Nothing happened.
When I say "Nothing happened" I don't mean something shot out and
did no damage to Sephiroth, I mean absolutely nothing happened.
Megaman said something Kasumi would not have appreciated.
Sephiroth chuckled, "I had hoped after that time stopping incident
you would have had more to offer than that."
For the first time since fighting Wily's Dragon, Megaman was
scared.
Sephiroth floated towards the blue one quickly, sword ready to do
unto this whelp as the Chinese warrior had done unto the duck.
Something, however, caught Sephiroth's attention and caused him to
look up.
Above the two combatants was a dragon so large it seemed to dwarf
the entire town!
Sephiroth checked the materia slots on his sword and found one
missing...
...the Bahamut Summon Materia.
He looked up at the dragon and said quietly, "This will be
painful..."
*****
"Would ya look at this, Ned," the tall one with the gun said, "It
looks like Godzilla ran through here."
"Nnnnng... What do you think happened here?" the shorter one said
with an electronically processed voice.
Then they saw it. Over thirty stories tall, red skinned, and
breathing fire directly into what used to be the Broslovski's house.
"Holy crap!" the tall one shouted, "It's a super-rare magical
dragon Bahamut!"
He pulled out a very large gun, "It's coming right for us!"
A very large round exploded from the very large gun hitting the
very large dragon and making a very large boom...
...and not a whole lot else.
The Bahamut turned its attention away from the grilled ancient
towards the two hunters. It blinked audibly, raised its foot...
"Nnnng, Oh man this is gonna hurt," Ned said.
...and stomped the two into oblivion.
After the dragon had flown away Goku warped in and declared
Megaman the winner.
*****
Back at the Ultradome Kenny was praising Megaman as two NERV
technicians led a Not-So-Cyber-Hiroshi down the entrance ramp.
"Welcome back, Hiroshi," Daisuke said raising an eyebrow, "I see
you're back to normal now".
"Yep, that whole cyber thing was just until NERV could get their
cloning facilities back on-line."
"On-line?"
"Yeah, apparently after Asuka kicked his ass Darth Vader went
berserk and trashed the complex."
"Mmmhmhmhmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmhmm."
"What!" Hiroshi cried trying to hide the two antennae protruding
from his rear, "They said they'd hide those!"
"So, how is your ass, Hiroshi?" Daisuke inquired with a smirk.
"My ass is just fine, Daisuke! But my ass is not important right
now! What is important is our second Omega match of the night! Yes
folks, it's the match you've all been waiting for! The ultimate
test of science versus sorcery. Let's head out to the planet Zebes and
watch as the greatest scientific mind in the Galaxy takes on the most
powerful sorceress in history!"
"By the way," Hiroshi whispered to his partner, "I saw Rei there
too with the same problem, Why hasn't your ass gone numb?"
Daisuke shrugged, "I guess I'm just too new a model."
*****
Lina walked out of her dimensional gate humming to herself. She
had come to like this modern music, this "Rock and Roll" and wondered
why nobody in her dimension had thought of something similar.
"Yami yo, Ame yo, Ima oshiete," she sung quietly to herself while
she limbered up, stretching her muscles and cracking her knuckles.
It was Lina who had issued the challenge. Everybody in this world
made such a big fuss about science. Science this... science that... They
had no idea what true power was. That was why she had challenged
Cyber-Akuma last week. Her jaw was still aching from that one. This week
she decided to try again and go for the big fish. Science's most
powerful proponent...
She grinned as her opponent stepped through the gate. Her grin
faltered into a gape as she noticed that Washu carried no weapons
whatsoever and stood before her petting a small animal which appeared to
be the missing link between cat and rabbit.
Lina laughed.
"What," Washu asked, "May, I ask is so funny?"
"You seem to have forgotten that there is a fight going on here,"
Lina taunted, "Where are your weapons? How do you intend to defend
yourself with that?" She pointed at the cabbit.
"Would you like to see?" Washu asked, grinning, "I have my second
most powerful creation right here with me."
"What behind the rabbit?"
"Oh, no," Washu said, "It IS the rabbit."
With that she tossed the small animal into the air. Lina's eyes
went wide as the small creature's body seemed to explode outward and
take the form of a highly functional, if somewhat visually unappealing,
vessel.
Washu grinned, "Let us begin," she said then teleported away.
OMEGA FIGHT: LINA INVERSE VS. WASHU
Lina rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times. She had seen some
pretty bizarre things in her time, but nothing like that.
"All right Ryo-oh-ki," Washu's voice cried from inside the ship,
"Let's show her what we can do!"
Then the ship meowed.
Lina had officially declared this the strangest thing she had ever
seen when a red beam shot out from the ship, levitated Lina about five
feet off the ground, and literally threw her about a hundred yards away.
Lina shook her head to clear it listening to the ghostly meows and
Washu's laughter. She sat there as Ryo-oh-ki's shadow passed over her
until the ex-cabbit was directly overhead which was Lina's cue to rotate
180 degrees and scream "FIREBALL!"
The ball of flame impacted with Ryo-oh-ki's outer hull and pushed
the ship back a few feet buying Lina some time. "RAY WING!" she screamed
shooting upward.
"Unaided flight," Washu said from inside, "Not bad."
Ryo-oh-ki fired a volley of lasers which Lina countered with a
quick shield spell. She flew to a position directly above Ryo-oh-ki and
proceeded to open up a magically charged can of whoop-ass. "FLARE
ARROW," "FIREBALL," "DIL BRAND," and various other magical words were
tossed off as their accompanying spells flew from Lina's hands. The
spells didn't seem to do much structural damage, but the force of the
blasts were slowly driving Ryo-oh-ki downward.
"Not bad," Washu said.
Another beam shot out from the former cabbit sending Lina to the
ground a few yards away. Ryo-oh-ki regained her altitude and sent out a
green force beam which pinned Lina to the ground.
Goku warped in and began counting. However it took Lina less than
ten seconds to say the following:
"Darkness beyond twilight,
Crimson beyond blood that flows,
Buried in the flow of time,
In thy great name I pledge myself to darkness,
Let the fools who stand before us be destroyed,
By the power you and I possess,"
If you don't know what happened next you need to watch more
Slayers.
To say that Goku left would be a horrid understatement. He
actually ran faster than Mr. Satan would have if challenged by Orochi.
Washu looked at Ryo-oh-ki's monitors and noticed the obscene
amount of energy Lina was giving off.
"Mommy," was the last thing she said before being obliterated by a
Dragon Slave.
"The winner!" Goku announced holding Lina's hand in the air.
*****
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND WE'RE BACK!" Hiroshi said in that oh-so-Hiroshi
way.
"Our Lambda title match is up next," Daisuke said in that oh-so-
Daisuke way.
"That's right! Will Clan Aensland avenge Mr. Duck or will Mousse
and Shampoo walk away with the Lambda belt."
Someone "Ahemed rather loudly from the top of the entrance ramp.
Hiroshi, Daisuke, the audience, and the cameras all turned their
attention to the source of the ahem, Controversial Jack Lysias.
"Ladies and Gentlemen and Hiroshi and Daisuke," Jack announced,
"While it's true that Mr. Duck can never truly be replaced, I am here to
announce his successor as my co-manager of Sex and Violence! Ladies and
Gentlemen, please welcome," he held up a stuffed purple... thing... with
what looked like a screen in his belly, "MR. TELETUBBY!"
"PIKA!!!"
Hiroshi and Daisuke looked up from their facefault at an enraged
Pikachu standing at the top of the opposite entrance ramp. Pokemon don't
give off battle auras but the electrical glow Pikachu was emitting was
close enough. The electro-rodent charged (no pun intended) through the
ring, over the announcer's table and up the entrance ramp, grabbed the
teletubby and sent 648,000 volts through it.
And you thought Jack's hair stood up before...
After that the hair was the only part of Jack that could stand up
on its own.
"Well," Daisuke said, "That was exciting."
By the time all that was finished Mario was in the ring clutching
the microphone.
"In-a dis corna! The Lambda Division Champeens... Morrigan and
Lillith of Clan Aensland."
I think you know what the crowd did at this point.
"And in-a dis corna. From the Joketsuzoku tribe in-a China, Mousse
and-a Shampoo!"
"Mousse," Shampoo said in Chinese, "You have them?"
"Yes, Shampoo. I have them. But why are you getting so worked up
over this match? It's just a stupid duck."
"Baichi!" she cried, "This is not about a duck! This is about the
title! If we win we will be the champions!"
"In that case let's kick some ass!"
Mousse climbed in the ring with Lillith. Mario climbed out and
rang the bell.
LAMBDA TITLE MATCH: MOUSSE/SHAMPOO VS. CLAN AENSLAND
Mousse and Lillith circled the ring sizing each other up. Lillith
made the first move, sending a soul bat in Mousse's direction. Mousse
countered with several lengths of chain which he launched at Lillith.
The juvenile succubus dodged under the chains to try for a physical
attack but was greeted by the dreaded "Fist of the White Swan" which
launched her towards the edge of the ring.
She tagged Morrigan and tried to clear her head.
Mousse stood primed for attack, but Morrigan came prepared. She
lashed out with a soul bat aimed straight for his glasses which snapped
in two and fell off his face.
"Well," Daisuke said, "That's the end of that."
Mousse stumbled over to a corner, tagged Lillith and jumped out of
the ring.
Three of the four combatants stood in confusion until Shampoo
muttered "Baichi," ran to the other corner and pounded Mousse in the
back of the head. This was, technically a tag so she jumped in.
She had barely set foot in the ring before her foot was ensnared
in something thick and snakelike. Before she had even thrown a punch
Shampoo was down. She glanced down at leathery tendril and identified it
as Sofia's whip. The crowd was almost as annoyed as she was.
"And Shampoo has been taken down by a leather tentacle!" Hiroshi
exclaimed.
Daisuke remained silent, desperately trying to clear his mind of
the evil implications of using the words "Shampoo," "Leather," and
"Tentacle" in the same sentence.
"Where ref?" Shampoo wondered out loud.
The ref was off in the corner where Team Rocket was laying the
smack down on his little Italian ass.
"It seems Sex and Violence's complete disregard for our `Non-
Interference' rule has not decreased in the slightest, despite the fact
that they are acting without the sterling leadership of Controversial
Jack."
The great leader in question was being attended to by medics as
well as two members of the This Old Dojo crew prying his hair out of the
floor with crowbars.
Without warning Shampoo felt the tension on the whip loosen. Sofia
drew her suddenly inadequate weapon to her and noticed that it had been
sliced as cleanly as her former boss.
"My... my baby..." she whimpered.
She looked to the ground at the other end which lay limply next
to, of all things, a spatula.
"Don'tcha know there's a rule here?" a voice cried from a nearby
food vendor, "Stay out of other people's fights!"
Shampoo turned to face her savior. Her jaw dropped.
"Aya! What Spatula-Girl doing here?"
Ukyo winked from the booth, "Gotta enforce the rules, Sugar."
From somewhere in the stands a blue beam of light shot forward and
shoved Team Rocket against the wall. James and Jessie were not long for
consciousness, but the damage to the plumber cum referee had already
been done.
All the while Shampoo and Morrigan just stood in the ring and
watched.
Johnny Cage ran past the still dumbstruck Sofia with intent to do
serious bodily harm to Ukyo, but ran directly into Ranma who finished
him off with an Amaguriken.
A slightly blackened but otherwise fully functional Jack Lysias
shook himself free from the medical staff and screamed "WHAT THE
HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!"
"That's what I'd like to know," Daisuke muttered.
"This!" a voice cried from the opposite end of the arena, "Is the
beginning of the end, Jack!"
A figure stepped out from the shadows, distinguished primarily by
his yellow shirt and bandanna. Hanging from his shoulder was an
obviously drunk older man with glasses and curly brown hair.
"We're here to clean things up in this tournament! Tell'em Ranma!"
"That's right, Ryoga, from this point on Mousse, Shampoo and I
ain't taking no more crap from you losers! There's strength in numbers,
so now we got both!"
"You!" Jack screamed, "You set this all up. Mr. Duck was just a
pawn to you!"
"What, that stupid... ano... Tofu-sensei, where are you going?"
The drunk older man staggered towards the announcer's table,
grabbed Daisuke's microphone and screamed...
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I am Tofu Ono, Co-manager of the Team
Nerima stable..."
"STABLE!" Hiroshi screamed.
"Ano baka..." Ryoga muttered, "Ranma was supposed to make that
announcement."
"Aya!" Shampoo cried from the ring, "You not say anything about
Spatula-girl, Lost-boy!"
"She's our corporate sponsor, come on!"
Shampoo stood there looking at Ryoga with an angry look in her
eyes. Ryoga returned her glare.
"Lost-boy!" she growled.
"You have something to say?"
"What `corporate sponsor' means?"
Ryoga face-faulted.
"Ha!" Jack laughed, "Ha! Ha! Have you people no originality?! I
started the stable idea and suddenly everybody wants a piece of the
action!"
Jack, who had now reverted to his former self, began strutting
back and forth in the doorway singing, "Like Jack... I wanna be like
Jack."
It was at this point that Dr. Tofu's purpose finally became
apparent. He still hung on to Daisuke's microphone despite protests from
several Lego-men.
"Ladies and Gentlemen! My name is Tofu Ono AND I AM IN LOVE WITH
KASUMI TENDO!!!"
For the first time in recorded history the crowd was silent.
"He's our new manager?" Ranma asked Ryoga derisively.
Ryoga just hung his head and nodded slightly.
The good doctor then passed out.
Shampoo and Morrigan mutually decided that this was their cue to
start fighting again. The two stuck mainly to physical attacks, kicks
and punches. The whole time Shampoo screamed in Chinese to her
partner...
"Mousse, are you ready?"
"All ready, Shampoo. I'm just waiting for the signal!"
The signal came as Morrigan took a mighty swing which, instead of
blocking, Shampoo dodged, handspringing into the corner and leaping out
of the ring with a backflip.
The Mario fans held up signs with numbers on them, but nobody
really paid attention to them.
Shampoo tagged Mousse and helped him in the ring.
"What is she doing?" Hiroshi cried, "Does she really think he'll
be effective without his glasses?"
"Shampoo's a smart girl, Hiroshi. Those two must have something up
their sleeves."
Mousse apparently had quite a bit up his sleeve. His first attack
was to launch projectiles in Morrigan's general direction. Morrigan,
after having observed her opponent in previous matches, came to the
conclusion that the best way to avoid a long range attack by Mousse was
to stay in one place.
"And Mousse doesn't seem to want to get too close," Daisuke said
from under the announcer's table.
"This has got to be a mistake!" Hiroshi cried, also from the
safety of the table's underside.
"Oh ye of little faith," Ranma said sliding up to his two friends.
"Ranma?" Hiroshi exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
"I take it you know something about what's going on," Daisuke said
flatly.
"Watch and see, Daisuke. Watch and see."
By sheer luck one of Mousse's stray projectiles happened to be a
bladed weapon which slashed through the wires holding Kuno, who had
conveniently been overlooked by the This Old Dojo crew since being
ensnared in the Gamma match. The elder Kuno fell from his position with
his bokken still drawn. His downward motion caused him to fall into the
crowd and drive his bokken through Kenny's skull, killing the
unfortunate American instantly.
"Oh my Goddess," Daisuke stated, "Kuno killed Kenny."
"YOU BASTARD!" Hiroshi screamed, attempting to rise indignantly,
but only succeeding in smashing his head against the table he had
forgotten about and knocking himself out.
Ranma and Daisuke sweatdropped.
"I'm going to guess that that wasn't the big surprise you had in
store for us," Daisuke said.
Ranma nodded nervously.
Back at the fight Morrigan's patience was wearing thin.
"One thing's for sure, oneechan," Lillith joked from their corner,
"He came prepared."
Sure enough Mousse's barrage of projectiles shown no signs of
letting up anytime soon. Not that Morrigan was worried. The fool had
managed to get a few lucky shots in, but none of them had done any real
damage.
"I grow tired of this," she stated taking a step forward.
No sooner had her foot hit the ground than one of Mousse's
projectiles struck her in the chest.
"Lucky shot," she said just seconds before being struck again.
"WHAT!"
Somehow the randomness had been removed from Mousse's shots and
they all seemed to be headed directly for Morrigan. Mousse's previous
`lucky shots' didn't do much damage, but several `lucky shots' in rapid
succession began to wear the sex-demon down.
"What is going on here?" Morrigan and Daisuke asked in near
unison.
"You not know, slut-demon?" Shampoo taunted, "Mousse have contact
lenses!"
"WHAT!" Daisuke asked wide eyed striking his head against the
table.
"I promised ya a surprise, didn't I?" Ranma said into Hiroshi's
microphone.
Morrigan was dumbstruck and barely even noticed when the `Fist of
the White Swan' took her consciousness away.
The silence was total, save for Jack and Lillith screaming
"Nooooooooooo!!!" in perfect unison.
In a scene which seemed to move in slow motion, Morrigan collapsed
to the mat. A dazed Mario staggered over and started a count that made
the one from Ranma's near-defeat seem rapid. When the plumber reached
five Lillith went into a rage and charged into the ring screaming, "I'm
gonna show you your ass from a new angle, Italian!"
Ranma and Ryoga leapt in from the sidelines to restrain the
juvenile succubus.
Mario continued counting. When he reached ten all the strength
left Lillith's body. She collapsed limply, hanging from Ranma and
Ryoga's arms. The two rivals let her drop to the ground as the crowd
released their pent up noise in one burst of excitement.
"THE NEW LAMBDA CHAMPIONS!" The newly revived Hiroshi bellowed in
a voice that put all his previous exclamations to shame, "MOUSSE AND
SHAMPOO!!!"
Shampoo climbed into the ring. She and Mousse each grabbed an end
of the belt and lifted it over their heads.
Just when everybody thought the crowd could not get any louder, it
did. So loud were they that Hiroshi and Daisuke had to call in
reinforcements to close the show.
"THAT'S ALL WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT," Haohmaru declared, "WE HOPE
YOU ENJOYED WATCHING THESE SUB-LEGENDARY COMBATANTS AND WILL JOIN US
NEXT WEEK FOR MORE VIOLENCE. YOTSUYA TAKE US OUT OF HERE!"
*****
Yotsuya was having a bad day. Not only did he have to watch that
ridiculous display of emotion over a bath toy, now an interview that
could have resurrected his day was falling apart before his eyes.
First the younger of the two managers had called from, of all
places, Korea. It seems that the boy had gotten lost trying to get from
the arena to the green room.
The elder of the two, after running into Kasumi backstage
proceeded to raid the stash of sake Yotsuya had recently "acquired" from
the young man in the apartment next to his. The doctor then went on
a drinking binge that put Mrs. Ichinose to shame. He was passed out in
the corner.
As soon as the fighters entered Mousse became enraged at Ranma for
sitting next to Shampoo and attacked him. Shampoo quickly became
annoyed, grabbed both boys by the hair and pounded them together
knocking both of her stablemates unconscious. She then stomped off
muttering in Chinese.
The camera turned on to show Yotsuya surrounded by the aftermath
of all this, three unconscious men strewn about the room.
"I have come to the conclusion," he said, "That `Stable' is quite
possibly the last word I would use to describe this group."
*****
"Squeak,"
"Oh, yes," Jack said to the suddenly very alive Mr. Duck, "They
took to it like Ranma to hot water. But it cost us the Lambda title."
"Squeak?"
"I suppose you're right. Anyway this should get you out of the
spotlight for a while, I had no idea you were so camera shy."
Jack walked over to a closet filled with a few shirts, some very
nice ties, and a rather incongruous Darth Vader costume. He pulled the
lightsaber off of the costume and flicked it on, revealing it to be the
real thing.
"Still, it's not as controversial as your idea, Mr. Duck. I guess
watching the entire Star Wars Trilogy 648 times in a row turned out to
be useful after all. I've gotten so good at this force thing, people
actually think I'm Darth Vader!"
"Squeak?"
"Oh, please! Who in their right mind would let me into Omega?
They'd have thought I was just ranting. They wouldn't see my true power!
BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!" His mood changed suddenly as he rubbed his chin,
"Although I have to say, those Evas have big feet. And I still can't
believe Kasumi sent me to Tatooine! I've always wanted to go there!"
"Squeak."
"Hmm... Shinji joining the stable. You may have an idea there, but
I have more important things to worry about now, like winning a match,
and getting that damn title back."
"Squeak."
"Ooh... Mr. Duck you are so evil!"
The sound of Jack's laughter echoed through the halls as
Rock/Megaman unlocked his dressing room and muttered to himself, "What
the hell kind of federation is this?"
*****
][ Ranma Saotome defeats Tatewaki Kuno, now 4W/1L
][ Bean/Tifa defeat Team Hentai, now 2W/0L
][ Bean/Tifa set record for fastest win in Ultra history
][ Mousse defeats Mr. Duck, no change in status
][ Clan Aensland challenges Mousse/Shampoo
][ Megaman introduced as new Omega fighter
][ Megaman defeats Sephiroth, now 1W/0L
][ Lina Inverse defeats Washu, now 3W/1L
][ Mousse/Shampoo defeat Clan Aensland now 2W/2L
][ Mousse/Shampoo new Lambda champions
][ "Team Nerima" stable is announced managed by Tofu Ono and Ryoga
Hibiki
][ Mr. Duck fakes his own death
][ Controversial Jack is revealed to be a Dark Lord of the Sith
*****
[Author's Notes]
WHEW!!!
I finally finished the damn thing. I have a few comments about my
work though.
Concerning Team Nerima:
I want to apologize since the Lambda title match featured
very little actual fighting. This is because I don't know the
first thing about Morrigan and Lillith!
I'd also like to thank Mike Thrall for inadvertantly helping
me get this thing started and for helping me decide on the two
co-managers.
Ryoga and Dr. Tofu are intended to become major characters.
Ukyo's inclusion was my idea and is just the fanboy in me. If you
(meaning future authors) decide to keep her in, who am I to stop
you?
Concerning Jack/Vader:
After seeing the enormous amounts of hatred lashed out
towards Vidstudent for what is really a trivial matter I made it
my duty to make Vader, who I thought was a good addition, more
palatable. The premise is that Jack trained himself in the ways of
The Force the same way Sakura trained herself in the ways of
Shotokan. He then took on Vader's persona because he knew no one
would take him seriously otherwise, (not that anyone takes him
seriously anyway.) Anyway this should hopefully make Vader easier
to swallow for you Anime/Impro purists out there.
Concerning Megaman:
Don't send me angry letters saying his name is Rockman! I
am fully aware of his original name, I just decided to use the
name I am more familiar with.
I laid the seeds of some kind of possible plot involving
Megaman, Washu and Gally. Whether anyone decides to run with this
is totally up to future authors.
Before you go crying to Twoflower, remember that Megaman has
appeared in a fighting game (Marvel vs. Capcom.)
Concerning Kenny:
This is basically a one time thing, not to be taken too
seriously. I just thought it would be cool to have an Omega match
in South Park, which has supplanted Tokyo as the most accident
prone city in existance, and the idea took on a life of its own.
For those of you who feel the need to slam me for making a
non-Anime/Video Game reference then, as they say in Korea, "Ip
Tatcho!" which is sort of like saying "Shut up" and "F--- you" in
one sentence.
Quick References:
I swear I had not read H! episode Three when I wrote the
Sakura scene. (Ref. the pottery scene)
Hiroshi's complaints about his ass come from "Nothing to
Lose" which is quite possibly the funniest non-Anime movie of the
nineties.
The Stardust Desert is the location of the final battle in
Iria: Zeiram the Animation.
Megaman's Time Stopper comes from Flashman of Megaman II
fame.
Zebes is the setting of the video game classic Metroid.
The song Lina sings when she warps into Zebes is "Midnight
Blue" by Megumi Hayashibara from the first Slayer's movie.
Washu's "It is the rabbit," line comes from Monty Python and
the Holy Graile.
Lillith's "I'm gonna show you your ass from a new angle,"
comes from Ushio and Tora.
Thank yous to:
Chu Cheongbo, who's ideas for this story were, in most
cases, better than mine. He was responsible for "I'm gonna rip
your lungs out with a [spork]," and the Jimbo and Ned scene in the
Omega battle, among other little bits and pieces. I wrote all these
parts, but the ideas were his.
Also hellos to all the others with fake Korean names
especially Ho Aeja, Na Jinseog and Pyo Eungyeong, and two guys
with fake Chinese names which I can't remember.
Professional thanks go to A.o.D. for not using Jack in his
part and rendering my plan null and void...
Mike Thrall for the Intro...
Whoever wrote those two Impromanga scenes about "Controvader
Jack..."
All those who slammed Vidstudent for bringing Vader in,
making his enlistment the most controversial event in Ultra
history, and therefore making a connection with Jack inevitable...
This is actually my first finished fic! C&C may be sent to
irontree@msn.com.