Just for a reference, I LOVE feedback, even harsh
(my English teachers used to specialize in that
department).

Good.  Let me crack my knuckles here.  <CRAAAACK>

Actually, I can't crack my knuckles at all, but Lara Bartram gives me
the screaming heebie-jeebies when she cracks hers.  I'm certain I've
just heard all her fingers fall off.

It was dusk, and the wind was hot and dry as it blew
across Hotaru's face as she sat in the grass.

<bapbapbapbap>

Avoid passive voice whenever possible, *especially* for the first line
of a story.  "It was a dark and stormy night..."  <shudder>

Suggest:  "The hot, dry wind blew across Hotaru's face as she sat in
the slowly-fading light of dusk" or something like that.

I'm no darned good at descriptions.  Ask Alan Harnum for help.

"Well . . . " he hesitated, "Alright."

Nonword alert!  Nonword alert!  "Alright" is a bastardization of "All
right".  Not technically correct, although its use has become so
proliferate that it's barely acceptable as slang language in dialogue.
Still, I would guess her father's not speaking "slangy", so I'd go
with "All right."

Hotaru watched mesmerized as the fireflies danced before her.

Hotaru watched, mesmerized, as the fireflies...

     "Ah,' he nodded

"Ah," he nodded.

Hotaru smiled in her sleep as she dreamed of the future,
of the day when she would meet a friend whom she could
share secrets with and who would take her up on an
invitation to see her room.

Heh.  Nice little vignette.  You've got a good feel for descriptive
prose (did I mention that I suck at that?).  I think you use compound
sentences too much; look for ways to rephrase them or split them up.

This is a good first step.  Now I'd like to see you try your hand at a
complete story.  You've got a gift of imagery that's all too rare in
fanfiction; I'd like to see that expanded upon more in an actual plot.

Anyway, nice job.

-Richard