Oops!  Forgot to C&C this to the FFML...
C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

Travels, Training and Trials

[...]

The proud parents gazed at their newborn son. A new life, with so many
possibilities. They would raise him well.

That was the way it started.

Good intro.  :)

Then one day Genma Saotome told his wife that he wanted to take their
son off to "train him in the way of the Art". Nodoka argued in vain,
and finally gave in after her husband had agreed to bring her son back
a true man. It wasn't until after he left that she thought about the
other side of the coin.

punc:  gave in, after
suggest:  argued in vain, but finally gave in

Had her husband left her because she wasn't womanly enough? Was he
unhappy with her as a wife and mother? That question would haunt her
for years.

suggest:  the question
("That" question implies a "this" question somewhere else.)

[...]

Soon she had both girls in the kitchen, and was giving basic cooking
lessons. Nabiki did quite well, and Akane would have if she hadn't been
so overenthusiastic. It would take some time to teach her to slow down,
and follow directions.

punc:  would have, if she
punc:  slow down and follow directions.

As time passed, Nodoka took all three girls under her wing, teaching
them to cooperate with each other in taking care of the household. Each
of them had their own talents, but Nodoka insisted that learning all
aspects of household management was essential.

Hmm.  "Household management" sounds so PC for Nodoka.
Perhaps "tending a house"?  "Making a home"?

Nodoka still felt that she herself had been lacking in some way, and
that this had caused her husband to leave her. She vowed that the same
fate would not befall these three girls.

Hmm.  I see a nice parallel between Genma and Nodoka, here.  They're
both struggling so hard to do what they think the other wants, that
they don't see the problems they are causing.

I have the feeling, though, that you're not going to have Nodoka screw
up with Soun's children as you're having Genma screw up with Ranma.  :j

Of the three sisters , Nodoka found Akane to be the most difficult to
deal with.

Extra space before the comma.

[...]

"Mommy was a martial artist. Mommy was a lady. If Mommy could do it, so
can I."

To that, Nodoka didn't have an answer.

suggest:  Nodoka had no answer.

Man, now I'm *really* seeing the possibility for a parallel between
Nodoka and Genma!  Of course, she didn't try to force Akane...

[...]

Genma tucked his son in, and kissed his forehead. Nodoka had packed a
couple of Ranma's favorite storybooks when they left, and his son
insisted on having a story read to him each night. He was using the
books to teach the boy to read, and Ranma was making rapid progress.

I'd like to see more of this:  Genma being portrayed as a loving
(if incapable) father.

[...]

Genma had the idea that if Ranma could learn something that was unique,
something that no one else could master, the promise would be
fulfilled. That was the reason he kept moving--to find that technique,
and have his son learn it.

I think the emphasis should be on the act that the technique should be
one that no one else can master.  That sounds manly.  Not because it's
"unique".

*****

Genma walked through the woods, followed by Ranma. Ranma kept turning
around to look toward the dojo they had just left, and after a little
while his father noticed that he had fallen behind.

"What are you looking at, boy?"

"Why did we have to leave, Daddy? I liked the dojo, and I liked the
Master."

cap:  master
(I think...  When you call him Master Shirato, or address someone
directly as Master, it should be capitalized, but I'm less sure when
referring to as "the master", or "the masters".)

Genma frowned. The last thing he wanted to do was explain to a six year
old why they were asked to leave the dojo they'd been staying at.

Shouldn't that be, "why *he* was asked to leave the dojo"?

[...]

*I would have kept the boy if I could have found a way to get his
father to give him up. He has potential, and though his father is
trying hard, he has little idea of how to raise a child.*

The phrase "he means well" comes to mind.  :j

[...]

The Master's face was grim.

"Neko-ken? I believe he would."

I would keep the speaker with the quote and put the above lines in
one paragraph.

Okay, question here.  Is there anything inherently wrong with the
Neko-ken?  I thought the problem was that Genma used the only-an-
idiot-would-use-this technique to train Ranma.  Presumably there's
a correct way.

And if not, why on earth did the master keep such a flawed book in
his library?

[...]

"Please, can you help us? We were attacked by a wild animal."

Many small animals, actually...  ;)  But of course, he wouldn't
want to shame his son by saying he was beaten up by a bunch of
cats.

The man's face and arms were full of scratches, and the boy looked
worse. He was positively covered with scratches. When she had undressed
the child to tend to his injuries, she had also discovered several
bites.

suggest:  arms were crisscrossed with scratches
("Full" implies the scratches were inside his arm.)

At first the woman had thought that the man was concerned for his son
in the way any father would be, but as she tended Ranma through the
fever he developed, she began to change her mind.

punc:  At first, the

Genma seemed to view
Ranma's fever as a weakness, and she more than once caught him looking
at his son with what seemed to be impatience, or disgust. Once she had
to leave the room to get a cool cloth for Ranma's head, and overheard
his father speaking to him when she returned.

I realize that no one ever addressed this angle of it, but...
I think any martial artists would be disgusted if their student
was beaten up by a bunch of hungry cats.  It is pretty pathetic.

Genma kept moving. He was filled with a dread that he could not put
words to. He'd thought to make his son the ultimate martial artist by
teaching him Neko-ken.

gram:  teaching him the Neko-ken.

[...]

>From that point on, Genma changed. The gentle father in him
disappeared, replaced by a strict disciplinarian, who allowed no room
for weakness. Somehow, he would train that weak spot out of his son,
and make him into the man his mother wanted him to be.

This sounds a little sudden. I can certainly see him training his
son harder, but not the "gentle father" disappearing, just like
that.  [snaps fingers]

[...]

Whenever they arrived at a new place, he and his father would be
welcomed warmly. Whenever they left, it seemed that everyone was glad
to see them go, and he couldn't understand why.

I don't understand, either.  It sounds like Genma's the one they're
glad to see go, and they miss Ranma.

Ranma finished sweeping, and sat down on the steps. He was so busy
thinking that he didn't notice when the Master sat down next to him.

suggest:  thinking, that

[...]

"Has Saotome done any of the work we've assigned to him this week."

punc:  this week?"

"Some of it. I believe that he thinks it is good training to have his
son do the work instead."

Making your students work hard *is* a well-respected training method.
Likewise, your students should see you in a position of power.  To
work alongside them, or perform menial tasks, destroys this mystique.

We've seen how Genma changed from loving father into a strict
disciplinarian; how did he became lazy?  I'm also curious about
what Genma is doing while he's avoiding work.

[...]

The next morning father and son were on the road again. Again, Ranma
had been sent off with a message he'd heard before, and would hear many
times during the coming years.

punc:  next morning, father

Suggest you delete the second "again".

[...]

"Don't waste your time with philosophy, Ranma! The Art is all that
matters, and the Art is all you have time for! Do you understand, boy?"

Why would Genma be upset that Ranma is learning stuff that can be
considered to make him more manly?  Is he so hung up on the "special
technique" idea that he's ignoring everything else?

And if so, why isn't that appearing in the story?  After the
Neko-ken, you never again mention Genma's thoughts on the matter.
He certainly doesn't seem to be looking for any new techniques;
it's just general training.

[...]

It was as if there were two of him: There was a Ranma who was a mirror
of his father, interested only in the Art, and nothing else. Then there
was the hidden Ranma, who had learned that there was more to life than
martial arts, and who was well on his way to being a man.

suggest: mirror of his father: interested

[...]

It was becoming harder and harder to find a place to stay. The years
had led them from place to place, and it seemed that every dojo they
visited had heard of the Saotomes. Unfortunately, that meant they were
not welcomed when they arrived.

What about challenging the owners of the dojo?

Ranma hoped that meant his father would decide to go home. He no longer
remembered where home was. He couldn't even remember if he had any
family to go back to. Instead, his father told him that they were
leaving Japan.

suggest:  He no longer remembered where it was.
(No need to repeat "home".)

[...]

Later, reflecting on what had happened, Ranma realized that he should
have waited to hear what the guide had to say. He resolved to take his
advice in the future.

Thanks for sparing us a retelling of that scene!  :)

[...]

Ranma was also tired and hungry, but not too tired to listen to what
the guide had to say. *Amazons, he said?* Ranma had learned about
Amazons from one of the Masters they had stayed with. For once, Ranma
was glad she was in girl form. If they hd walked into an Amazon village
as men, the women might attack. As it was, they were all gathered
together in the center of town, having some kind of contest.

sp:  If they had walked

[...]

*I hate boys* she thought. *No, I don't hate boys. I just hate STUPID
boys.*

Of course, since all boys are stupid...  ;)

Akane read her letter, and spent quite some time answering it. She
explained her problem in detail, and asked Nodoka for her input. Akane
put the letter aside, and got started on her homework. She was absorbed
in it when her father knocked on her door.

suggest:  asked Nodoka for her advice.
punc:  in it, when her father

send comments to me - karaohki@snet.net
or to the list

Or both.  :)



I guess I'm one of the few people that *like* Genma.  (Consider my C&C
suitably tainted ;)  He serves as comedic relief in Ranma, and when he
gets put into a dramatic role, he almost always suffers for it; his
goofy training regimen and loose morals becomes inexcusable torture
and, well, loose morals.  :j

You did a little to humanize Genma at the beginning, with the
suggestion that he was looking for that one technique to make Ranma
truly manly, but it slipped away.  After the Neko-ken, we aren't given
any other insights into his motivation.

You also seem to have side-stepped any complications with Ukyo or
Shampoo.  Ranma is already a gentlemen (well, under there, somewhere)
and Akane has been toned down by Nodoka.  I really wonder where you're
going to go with the fic, having removed most of the potential sources
of conflict.

I like the suggestion that Nodoka is insecure with herself as a
result of Genma taking the boy.  I don't recall seeing this angle
addressed before, and I'm interested to see what you do with it.

Hope this doesn't keep you away from _Scene_ or _Victor_!  ;)

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"