Hitomi wrote:

Well, Silent Mobius is a very old series but I still love it!

Ditto, though I've only seen the first two episodes. So odds are I'll be a
little lost here.

Chapter One - An unexpected reunion

I think 'Unexpected Reunion' should be capitalized

       Yuki cried out in shock and pain as Katsumi stabbed the dark

weapon into her chest. Disbelief

flashed across her face as she slid to the floor, her legs no longer

seemly

'seemingly' though I think you could do just as well if you dropped it.

able to support her weight.

Yuki: Third bloody time that's happened this month.

       "Katsu?" she managed to splutter before the cold blackness

engulfed her mind.

       The others looked on with shock, unable to momentarily comprehend

what Katsumi had just done,

then as one they rushed forward to where the slumped body of Yuki lay.
       "KATSUMI!!" Kiddy yelled in a tone of disbelief, as her old

friend stood above the corpse of the

young woman she had just killed with a slight smile on her face.

       "Hello? everyone"

"Hello, everyone,"

Katsumi said quietly, with that same deceptive smile, "been

'smile. "Been...'  I think

       Katsumi watched the circle of her ex-companions for a moment

before stepping back from the body

of Yuki. She held out her hands in mock greeting, "aren't

greeting. "Aren't

you going to welcome me Nami? Kiddy? It's been
well over six months since we last saw each other, my dearest of friends.

Have you not missed me?"

       "What the hell are you!?!" Kiddy shouted as she raised her

graviton to point at the figure standing

before them. "Where is Katsumi?!?"
       "Hump?

Err, 'Hump?' What's that supposed to be?

still

Still

the same as ever, aren't you Kiddy"

Kiddy looked herself over. "Umm. I had a sex change operation, Katsumi."

"I meant you're the same besides that," Natsumi clarified.

"I dyed my hair too."

"Oh yes, it looks rather nice. Well, you're the same besides--"

"Tinted contacts too."

"Okay."

"Don't forget the facelift."

"Oh, just forget about it!"

Katsumi looked at her and in a deliberate
movement bought the black knife to her lips and licked the remains of

Yuki's blood from it. "It is me, I have

returned?" The rest of her statement was lost in a sudden cry of anger

from Kiddy as she fired the graviton at

the dark figure. The others were temporary blinded by the light and

concussion of the weapon as it fired at

close range.

 Ouch. That should hurt.

The shock of  the energy discharged from the weapon flew towards the black
figure but almost just

as suddenly the beam of destructive energy was gone? just gone.
       "Yes?" Katsumi said to no one in particular, "you

Hmm. I take it this is a style thing then. Looks awkward, but if it's what
you want to use...

       Another dark robed figure stood, quietly in the shadows watching

Not sure about this, but I think  '...stood quietly in the shadows,
watching...' works better

interest in those that fed on such destructive emotions. The figure did

not care what they felt, as long as they

did not interfere with the story which was unfolding below.

Hmm. Interesting.

       The figure in the shadows watched as the last of the vehicles

lifted off from the rubble strewn ground

and vanished high into the murky Tokyo night overhead. Figures still

after evidence of the incident that had

just happen

happened

still crawled about in the muddy grime, but the figure paid them no

attention. Those that had

originally drawn it to this place had now gone, and the figure had to

decide if  anything

extra space between 'if anything'

was to be gained from

following them. The figure thought for a moment, worlds of possibilities

flooded through the figure's mind as

it looked into the myriad futures that were open to it. Yes? there was

enough here of interest? the

Second sentence feels more like a statement than a question.


and picked the cloak up.

Wrapping it up she looked up at the murky sky above. If her idea was

going to play out then she would have to

make some slight adjustments to the history that she had just witnessed,

then and only then could she take up a

role.

Ah, she's a fanfic author that wants to be an SI then? My money is on it
being Oscar. ^_^

She shrugged, manipulating the past was just as easy as changing the

future, all you needed was to select

the direction and then?.

drop the period

       Yuki cried out with shock and pain as Katsumi stabbed the dark

weapon into her chest. Disbelief

crossed her face as her best friend pulled the knife from her chest and

watched with a slight smile as she

slumped to the ground.

Whoa! It's deja-vu all over again.

       "YUKI!!" Nami screamed with shock as Katsumi raised her knife for

a second blow. Suddenly the

night was lit up by a blast of energy as Kiddy from somewhere had fired

her graviton weapon at Katsumi.

Last sentence seems awkward, around the 'from somewhere'. Not sure how I'd
reword it. Dropping it altogether might be for the best.

       "Who the hell are you!?!" Nami shrieked out, still trying to stop

the blood flowing from Yuki's

wounded chest.
       "Who am I?" Katsumi repeated curiously, "Nami, you don't

recognise who I am?

Nami: Sailor Moon?

Katsumi: No.

Nami: Nuku-Nuku?

Katsumi: No.

Nami: Chun Li?

Katsumi: NO! I'm Katsumi Liqueur from Silent Mobius!"

Nami: Sorry. Too obscure an anime for me.

Shame on you,

after all this time?"

Change the question mark to a period.

       "That's impossible!" screamed Nami "Katsumi would never try to

kill Yuki!"

       "Are you sure?" Katsumi looked down at her "are you really that

sure?"

       "DAMN YOU!" Kiddy suddenly erupted from where she had been thrown

and staggering to her feet

tried

'feet, tried ' I think

to level the weapon again at the impostor.

       Katsumi lowered the dark weapon to her side and sighed. "Believe

whatever you wish. I have merely

came here to greet you all again and let you know that I am back" she

paused, "I will be meeting with each of

you in the near future so we can catch up on old times, but for now?."

She began to rise up into the air. "For

now, I will bid you good night." She looked down one last time at the

prone form of Yuki.

       "Shame?" she commented "now I will have to kill her some other

time?" and with that she was

gone.

Why is she asking these in the forms of questions?

       "COME BACK!! COWARD!!!" Kiddy shouted into the night. "COME

BACK!!!"

       "Kiddy!!" Nami yelled at her "get me some help! Yuki has been

stabbed!"

       "What?" Kiddy suddenly came back to reality. She stabbed at the

communicator embedded in her

collar and yelled down instructions to the poor operator at the other

end, ordering that an ambulance be sent

immediately. After she had got the instructions over,

Awkward. I'd say, 'After she gave the instructions,' or something similar

she rushed over to Nami and knelt down beside her.

       "How is she?" she asked in a worried voice.
       "She will live" Nami said "but she is badly wounded. I only hope

that the ambulance gets here

soon?"

Ah! Another question mark. These are popping up all over the place.

       "It will" Kiddy reassured her "it has to?"

AH! Why are all of these question marks throughout the fic. You need to
ditch them

       The girl nodded to herself as she looked down at the new scene as

it unfolded beneath her. With a

slight modification, the stage was now set for a much more interesting

chain of future events. The death of the

human had been altered and that left open much better possibilities for

more personal involvement. She turned

back to the shadows which the ruined building from which she watch cast,

and for a moment the darkness

Awkward again.  I'd say something like. 'shadows, that the ruined building
from which she had watched, cast.



nothing that is beyond the ability of

the regenerative systems. She was extremely luck,

lucky (and that's a relative term here. ^_^)

the knife wound missed
her heart by almost a miracle. If it

had been even a fraction more one way then?." He paused and looked at

Rally,.

drop the comma.

"Yuki will be fine, she will

need rest and medical care, but in a month or so she should have fully

recovered."

       "Thank God" Rally sighed with relief.

There seems to be a lot of missing punctuation around the dialogue.
Recheck it for capitalization as well.

       "Alexandra Shadow, at your service"

I take it this is the original character you mentioned.

       Yuki stared at the face of the girl for the first time. She had a

strangely pale, attractive face. A face

that seemed to be more of an artist's work,

Like Salvadore Dali? ^_^

       "You said that the Lucifer Hawk activity has been increasing,

Ah, this makes me want to pick up the manga now.

       Alex hurt, the

hurt. The


it could do what it wished with her. It

paused briefly, if it had more time it might amuse itself by killing the

other human, but it was not that stupid, it

knew that these humans were not as weak as they looked. Others had made

that mistake, and died as a result. It

would take the girl and go, it would do its mission and nothing more.

How smart, for a demon.

its head off. Hot, black, viscous ichor sprayed the far wall, as Alex's

hastily cast bolt tore through the entity and

impacted against the ceiling. The resulting explosion shattered the floor

above as the bolt continued to travel

outwards.
       Girders, and rubble from the explosion began to fall as the

ceiling started to collapse in on itself as a

result of the explosion.

Some shot. Looks like she doesn't know her own strength.



does surprise me. Why would

someone go to all that trouble, just to get hold of data that they should

have officially already have access to."

       "Maybe they wanted to be sure that they got hold of the real

data, and not just what we would have

provided to them" Mana wondered.

Sounds possible.

       "Shit!" Alex swore as she tripped down the short stairway that

led down to Labyrinth, letting go of

her suitcase as she did so. She unceremoniously smacked into the door

that Yuki held open and took the two of

them down, to the accompaniment of Alex's clothes raining down upon them.
       "Shit! Shit! Shit!!" Alex swore in parallel as she tried to

disentangle herself from both Yuki and from

the embarrassing position that her face was currently in. After a moment

she managed to sit up, and she flashed

an apologetic smile at the girl she was still entangled with,

with.

       "Sorry?" Alex looked at Yuki, "sort of slipped there for a

moment?"

       Yuki took a moment to try and recover herself from having the

wind knocked out of her and the

strange feeling that had been invoked from where Alex's face had landed.

I see the lime is starting now. ^_^

She looked at the blushing face

before her and the pile of mud splattered clothes and for no reason

suddenly burst out laughing.

       "Hey?" Alex's face looked hurt at the sight of Yuki's laugher,

laughter

       It was sometime later when Alex looked up from the pile of

washing she was now having to do and

answered Yuki's question.
       "Yes, I would love some coffee. I have had nothing to eat or

drink all day, and I am starving?"

Doesn't Alex use contractions?

       "Forgot what?" Alex looked at her, "what do you mean - you

forgot."

       "Ahhh?" Yuki began.
       "Yuki?" Alex looked at her "what have you forgotten?"
       "I forgot to prepare the spare room"

How convienent

       Rally glanced up as the two figures entered the room and stood to

attention.

       "You're late" she commented as her eyes swept back to the papers

on her desk.

       "Sorry Chief" Alex apologised.
       "Well, enough of that, we

that, We


commented at one point, "and that is

something they have never really done before."
       "What do you mean, by strategy?" Yuki asked.
       "The targets that they are attacking" Rally elaborated, "they are

not just random as they have been in

the past, but are of increasing importance.

A bad sign, all right

       "Hello Yuki-chan"

Hello, Yuki-chan,"

a very familiar voice whispered to her.

       Yuki felt cold and turned to face her former best friend. Katsumi

was watching her with a smile on

her face, slipping coffee out of the cup that Yuki had once chosen

specially for her.

Oh dear.

       "Me?" Yuki gasped out "help you? I would rather die..."
       "Really" Katsumi commented, "no even

Not even


Well, it was rife with basic punctuation and spelling errors, but overall
it seemed good. Can't really comment on the characterizations since I only
have basic familiartity with the series, but overall it was an okay read.

D.B. Sommer