----- Original Message -----
From: Gary Kleppe <kleppe@execpc.com>
To: ffml <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Monday, July 26, 1999 12:59 AM
Subject: Re: [FFML] [fanfic][Ranma][Travel, Training and Trials,
chapter one][lime?]

"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

"What makes you think I'm ready to get married, Pop?"

The sudden downpour prevented Genma from responding.  He pulled out

a

sign and began to scribble an answer, but Ranma grabbed it from him
and shattered it over his head.

"Just show me the way, Pop."

"And next time write *text* on the sign! Skip the anatomically

correct

drawings!"

Kara attempts to wash Gary's mind out with soap, but gives the effort
up as futile.

"I said no!  How am I going to explain this to Tofu?  It took me
MONTHS to get anywhere with him, and now you want me to dump him

for

some younger guy I've never met?"

"But Kasumi--"

"And I don't give a DAMN if he's Auntie Nodoka's son.  Forget it!"

Whoa, this is pretty extreme for her. I can understand her wanting

to

avoid the engagement, but couldn't she do it in a way that's more
Kasumi-ish?

But Kasumi is a different person in this one, Gary.  Also, she's VERY
upset right now.

The youngest Tendo sister hadn't said a word.  At first, Ranma

thought

that she was as uninterested in his story as Kasumi had been, but

her

body language betrayed her.  She was very interested, but trying to
hide it.  If there was anything Ranma had learned, it was how to

read

the body language of girls.

"Body language" is pretty vague. How about some specifics here?

I'll look into it - thank you.

Over the years, Ranma had become accustomed to spending time with

the

master in each dojo he visited.  He'd read everything in the

library

If "He'd" means "He would," I'd write it out in full. I read it as

"he

had" and got confused at the last half of the sentence.

Will fix!

that he was permitted to, and trade books that he had already read

for

anything that could be spared.  It wasn't uncommon for Ranma and

the

master to sit talking far into the night.

This place was different.  Instead of spending time with Ranma, the
master spent all of his spare time with Genma.  Ranma didn't

begrudge

Any way you can eliminate the repetition of "spend" here?

Hmmm. I'll think of something.

The only person in the household Ranma really liked was the

master's

daughter, Midori.  She was tall, and slender, with long thick hair
that she wore in a braid that was wrapped around her head like a
crown.  Midori was one of the few girls who seemed to be able to

mix

being feminine with being a martial artist.  She was willing to

fight

However, as a martial artist she lacked experience; she was still

green.

:)

STRIKE ONE

him as hard as he would fight her.  Yet, whenever he was in her
presence Ranma was all too aware of the fact that this was a girl,

and

a very desirable one.  He could also tell that she had an interest

in

him that went beyond what he'd seen in other girls.

More specifics would enhance this. What about Midori attracted Ranma

to

her, and what told him that she was attracted to him?

I'll work on it.

(Yes, I am a hentai. Why do you ask?)

I didn't ask.  I know you, remember? ^_^

If not for sheer luck, Midori would be Ranma's wife.  For once,

Ranma

would have been (we be in da past tense here.)

whoops

Midori's skin was soft and smooth, and her perfume was

intoxicating.

Suddenly, she was no longer in his arms, for she had pulled away,
sinking down onto his pillow.  She smiled at him, took his hand,

and

placed it on her breast.

So she's giving him the green light? :)

STRIKE TWO

Genma waited until they had put several miles between them and the
dojo before he stopped to talk.

"You were very lucky tonight, Ranma.  Midori was in your room for a
reason."

"Well yeah, Pop!  I think I had that figured out!"

Heh.

On this whole flashback thingy: While I really liked the scene, I

think

it came too early in the story. The main plot isn't completely set

up

yet, and we don't yet know why we should be interested in who Midori

is.

I suggest postponing this bit until the end of the chapter or even

the

beginning of the next one. Let's first see Ranma meet Akane; maybe

he

feels cautious but also intrigued because she reminds him of Midori.
That'll lead us into being curious as to who Midori is, and *then*

you

can spring the explanation.

I appreciate the thought, but I think it's staying the way it is.

"You mustn't!"

Ranma immediately looked suspicious.

"Why not, Pop?"

"Because--because."

o/~ Because of the wonderful things she does! o/~

*throws carrots at you*

"One:  You're closest in age to Ranma than either me or Nabiki.

Two:

You're closer in age to Ranma than either myself or Nabiki.

or

You're closest in age to Ranma out of the three of us.

Yup.  A couple of people have pointed this out, and I thank you all.

Ranma opened the bedroom window, and climbed up onto the roof.

There

was a light breeze, and the view was pretty enough.  Ranma was

about

to sit down when he realized that someone else was on the roof.

Akane

lay on the roof a few yards away, staring at the stars.

Just as a general observation, you use quite a lot of "was" verbs.

So I see...

"She wants you to give up martial arts?  No way, Akane!  You're too
good at it.  Besides, you, um. . ."

"I what?"

"You can be a lady and a martial artist too."

"Really?"

"Sure! Just look at me, for example!"

Heh

Akane's response was to hold out her hand.  Ranma grasped it,

trying

to ignore the feeling touching her caused.  *Not again.*

"It's a deal, Ranma.  Friends it is."

Now if Midori could only see them, she'd be green with envy....

STRIKE THREE!!!
June whaps Gary with a bottle of Midori

Interesting so far. It still feels like things are going too well

and

it's going to work out too easily; but we'll have to wait and see

what

happens.

Nothing works out easily in a Ranmaverse, even if it isn't the
traditional one.  Please be patient!
Thank you for your help, Gary.

June