Adrian Tymes <wingcat@pacbell.net> wrote:

This is just a draft, so don't distribute it, ok?  (Don't worry,
there will be a distributable version along in a week or so.)  For
now, just looking for some C&C to spruce this up before it gets
posted...

OK, there are a few problems, but overall, this is pretty good...

The Lina/Nabiki/Washu scene doesn't really work for me.  I understand that 
presenting Lina and Nabiki at this point in the story makes the end work 
better, but the thing about it being important that Lina's breasts remain 
small does make a lot of sense.  Either a) drop it or b) make it more 
humorous (it seems rather dry on the first go through).

During the fight, Kirby's glomping on Samus isn't well explained.  I believe 
that this is due to Happosai somehow controlling Kirby from inside.  This 
needs to be better explained.

The cameo by Jigglypuff is good.

The second biggest problem is that you *may* need to rewrite this unless you 
release it before Ultra Rage Beta comes out.

The biggest problem is that this tries to introduce a new permanent Lambda 
team.  This influences the plot of Ultra, and in omakes, that's right out.  
Unless you can talk one of the scheduled authors and convince them to 
introduce your team, Samus and Kirby will remain non-canon and will not be 
used.  However, if you're cool with this not being taken as canon, go for 
it.  I'm just warning you, because I've stumbled by trying to introduce plot 
elements in omake as well.

The writing's good (i.e. I didn't catch any glaring errors) and your idea 
seems fairly sound.  It's a little less humorous than is standard for Ultra, 
but it's good enough for an omake.

Chris Nichols

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