--- Kenjiko2@aol.com wrote:

    This took a while, I know -- but I hope you
think it was worth it.  

I hope so too =).

<...>
 

	Somehow they miss the most powerful of all--

	Irony.

	For example, it's fairly ironic that the single
greatest threat
to the stability and safety of Earth was not an
extrajudicial demonic
force Ala. Queen Beryl, or an invasion fleet from
another star like
the Gamelans, or a gigantic monster such as
Goodwill, but rather a
sort of redneck-type named Fred Yerfburger.

How about seperating each scenario with sentences
beginning with 'It wasn't' (i.e. 'For example, it's
fairly ironic that the single greatest threat to the
stability of Earth was not an extrajudicial demonic
force Ala. Queen Beryl. It wasn't an invansion fleet
from another star like the Gamelans. It wasn't even a
gigantic monster such as Goodwill. What _did_ endanger
the well-being of every human on earth was a
redneck-type named Fred Yerfburger.'?) Or...you could
just leave it like it is...
  

	It's also ironic that the main defense against said
redneck
wasn't a heroic magical girl team, or a crew of

How dissapointing =(.

self-sacrificing
young people on a starship, or a single lone
brilliant scientist, but
a ragtag group of frankly weird as hell martial
artists who at the
moment weren't feeling themselves.  Because in a
very real sense they

sense,

weren't.

	Maybe it's not irony.  Maybe it's just that
Kami-sama likes a
really good joke as much as the next embodiment of a
cosmic
principle.

	Whatever it is, it was about to go into >overdrive.

I'm not sure why, but this doesn't sound right to me.
I think maybe the 'was' should be 'is', or the 'is'
should be 'was'?

	####

	"We know where he's set up."

	In situations like this, leaders emerge.  True,
they usually
aren't dressed in a buster and miniskirt, but they

'bustier'

do emerge.  And as

Does Sailor Moon count?

so often before, Ranma Saotome was somehow the
leader.

I'm sure he/she doesn't mind too much.

	Kuno thought he was the leader, actually, but
everyone else knew
different.  Besides, it seemed that Ranma was
probably the closest to
being normal.  

	Normal at the moment was a very  relative term. 

There's an extra space in there.
Normal is always a relative term.

Ranma was
usually a very easygoing sort, but right now she was
exhibiting a
stubborn streak and a uncharacteristic temper. It
was probably her
usually strong sense of personal identity that
hadn't subsumed her
totally in the role of Prissy Osage.

Oh, just remembered that. It's been quite a while, and
I almost forgot what was going on...

	Compared to the unusually meek Akane, the rough
talking Kuno, the
elegant and demure Shampoo, the highly belligerent
Ukyo and Konatsu,
the bizarrely suave Gosunkugi, the oddly female

Heh, the only thing I remember is Gosunkugi being
James Bond =). How ironic.

Mousse, the sudden
martial arts pair of Daisuke and Hiroshi, the
downright dangerous
pair of Yuka and Sayuri, and the technically
perfectly normal for her
but bound and gagged Kodachi, there really wasn't

I think 'the technically perfectly normal for her but
bound and gagged Kodachi' should be set off by _some_
type of punctuation.

much else in the
arena of choice.

	"The problem we have," continued the trainee girl
turned rock
star and Knight Saber, "Is that he's probably

Maybe 'trainee-girl-turned-rock
star'/'girl-trainee=turned-rock star' or
'girl-in-training-turned-rock star'?

already setting up some
sort of citadel, according to Sailor Meir-- ash,
Akane's readings.
Cologne and Mom agree.  We're going to have a tough
time of it,
because anyone who can do something like this is
going to be
powerful, and we don't have an army or anything--"

	"Actually, we do," interrupted lunar.

	"What?  Where do you figure that?"

	Luna-P merely pointed a paw.  And Ranma 

You should probably get rid of the 'And', or make it a
conjunction linking 'paw' and 'Ranma'

<...>

	And Nabiki, who would normally stay back and say
that it's not
her problem, was at the moment in full blown berserk

'full-blown'

wild rabbit
mode.  

	"Nabiki," Ranma said reasonably, "You can't fight--
not really.
You haven't trained in years.  You don't even have a
weapon."

	"Fine!  Any of you have a spare weapon?"

	Mousse stood up.  "No problem."  And to the
amazement of most
(not all, but damn near) she casually pulled out

near),

from her fatigue
jacket a pistol belt and handgun.  That was followed

I think 'she casually pulled out a pistol belt and
handgun from her fatigue jacket' would sound better.

by a bandoleer
of extra clips, a assault rifle similar to the one

'an assault'

she was carrying,
three grenades and a combat knife.  "Have fun."

grenades,

	"Still the master-- or mistress-- of hidden
weapons, I guess..."
Ranma murmured as Nabiki changed from bunny girl to
heavily armed and
lethal bunny girl.

Hehe.

	Someone punched up "Girls with Guns" on the karaoke
machine and
was dopiest immediately thereafter.

Unfortunately, I'm unfamiliar with this song.

	"Well, okay.  It's your tail."

	"Damn straight-- and I want to get rid of it!"

	"That knife looks sharp..."  Another doggie.

	Ranma rolled her eyes.  "Okay, okay.  Now... we
have to figure
out how we're going to do this, since we have more

Maybe you should change the ',' to a '.' and start a
new sentence with 'since'

combatants than I
thought..."

	####

	Fred was not happy.  For some reason, he couldn't
take over the
mind of ANYONE in Nerima.  Since he was destined to

I think Since is being used to quickly again. Maybe
'Being destined to...'
-or-
'Seeing how he was destined to...'

rule the world,
this did not make sense.

	Well, there were always other ways to skin a
planet.  The simple
creation of massive amounts of minor golems to do
his bidding and to
spread fear and terror amongst the no doubt

This sounds a little awkward. Maybe '...amongst the
most-likely...'

<...>

Incubi) or strangely distrubing for reasons no one

'disturbing'

can put their
fingers on (as in the case of Bill Gates) She was...
was...

	Kawaii.

*sigh* I'm pretty sure anyone who's reading this or is
familiar with your work would have seen this coming a
mile away. Oh well, I guess it wouldn't be 'right' for
him to have a regular familiar-type thingy.

<...> 

	"At any rate, it won't be too much of a problem. 
What could go
wrong?"

	Outside, there was an ominous roll of thunder.

Hmmm. Can't this be done in a new/innovative way.
Maybe a string of ominous noises, resulting in Fred
looking curiously outside, then shrugging, maybe?

<...>

	"I got hungry," Luna-P retorted, starting in on the
cheese
sandwich.

Nice. I was initially dissappointed with the cheese
sandwich thing, but this is a nice twist on something
that could have been lame if it had ended back there.

<...>
 

	Nods.  And a pack of ferocious faceless minions
went back to
their tea cookies.  One got slapped upside the head
by another for
forgetting to use the doily.

Hehe.

<...> 

frustration, his eyebrows knit.  Idly he fingered a

Idly,

<...>

	Kuno's opinion was different.  After the few
obligatory thoughts
of "I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die",
Jones-type instincts

I'd have thought, even without being Indiana Jones,
Kuno would have practice in those sort of things from
his near-daily flights.

took over.  Almost without thought his bullwhip

thought,

snaked out at the
peak of his flight, snagging the arcane looking
spire that had grown
out of the belltower.  Easily he swung over to the

Easily,

belltower-- and
smashed into the side full-face.

	After a quiet "Ite", he found a rope in the tower
and lowered it
to the secret agent below.  He then helped said

I guess the cleaning agent was off-duty? ^_^

agent up, dusted

<...>

	Like, five hundred or so.  Fred may not have been
able to do what
he'd originally planned to do, but there was no
faulting his ability
to churn out Faceless Minions.  Rita and Zedd would
be envious.

Probably not. Why would they want a dumb name like
Fred? =P

	
	Before Ranma could even note that with all the
firepower they had

had,

there were just too many she was cut off by a sudden

many. She

<...>
 

	"Um... looks like your castle guard being attacked
by about a
hundred cheerleaders."

Cheerleaders have more dignity.

	Infiltration Team Three was the people with 
sharp

sharp,

<...>

Rathe than

Rather

<...>
 

	"You think we can keep at least out fathers >

our

<...>

	"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.

	"I think we get that point, Nabiki," muttered
Ranma.

This comes off kinda flat. Maybe:

         "She wants to HURT you," Ranma smirked at the
foiled spell-caster.

	####

	Author's note:

	Sorry to all those who wanted me to make some weird
permanent
changes in the cast... but that was never my
intention.  Besides,

That's too bad, having SF Hiroshi and Daisuke mighta
been nice =)

that would have been silly.  Well, the wrong kind of
silly, IMNSHO.

I have no idea what that is an acronym for...I'm still
relatively new, and I've never even seen that.

	It's taken a while to finish this chapter-- after
about six or
seven false starts describing a long, dramatic
battle against a
powerful wizard, I realized that I was writing Girl
Days, not Hearts

You actually considered turning this into something
dramatic?

of Ice.  (Which I love, BTW.  Perry-san, hurry up!
^_^)  So I went

I'm sure she's already getting plenty of encouragement
to finish :)

for my usual string of pointless but amusing
(hopefully) gags.

They were somewhat amusing.

	Hope it worked.

	Kenko/Robert Haynie

Overall, it was a nice chapter. Can't wait for the
next.



===
-----
L.A.
-----
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