Kevin Callahan wrote:

 "We then moved to Plano, Texas. Which is
where I found out I was a Senshi. You might think
it would be bloody great to be a Senshi, but it
can suck seriously. However, that doesn't mean I
would ever trade it for a regular existence. Or
would I? I'm not so sure anymore. I wish knew.
There are benefits however. I mean what other
girls do you know that are over 2000 years old
and look 16? 1000 if you don't count the
reincarnation.

(twitch)  Plano?  Why am I not surprised...

Just so you know: Allen High School, Class of '93.

Oh god....

 "Well I managed to become an exchange
student. And my first battle was on top of a roof
to save the life of another future Senshi. At the
sailor meeting before, that, ladies and gentlemen,
is where we lay our scene."

Bad transition to flashback.  Very bad.  Can you say 'breaking the fourth
wall'?

Yes. I did that on purpose.

That said... no offense, but I'd beat the living @#$% out of Kath for some

of

the stuff she says.

<KCallahan> Hmph... Just try it.
You, calm down.

It's insulting; it's not meant in play - or, at least, it
didn't appear to.  In other words, Kath gelling and becoming part of the

group

just does not work with the scene as is.

Beyond that.

The good: The acerbic nature of the opening scene was pretty good.  The

tone

of it sounded realistic.

The bad: When I mentioned 'putting yourself into the work', this ISN'T

what I

meant.

This was writtin a long time ago. It had nothing to do with your statement.

What I was getting at was trying to see through the eyes of the
character, and put your emotions into the work when writing their actions.
This... it's decent practice, but as a released work, it isn't very
appropriate.

How so?

This is a sophomoric self-insert.

Yes and no...

A lot of people, on reading something like
this, think, "Why should I read YOUR fantasies?  My own are quite useful,
thank you very much."  If you want to be treated as a serious writer, get

away

from the SIs, until you put in your stripes elsewhere.  To make matters

worse,

this person gives me the idea of the 'annoying new character', someone who
ends up being essentially perfect, ends up saving the day, etc.

*Maniacal laughing* Read 002. She's supposed to seem like your ordinary SI..
until she is no longer your ordinary SI. You haven't given me time yet.

None of the
actions appear believable - not the discussion that occurs between the

senshi,

nor the fact that you don't show the slightest sadness on leaving the US.

All will be explained. She cares nothing for the US except when broad anti-US
generalizations are made. She is an American at the end of the day.

Okay.  Here's a suggestion.  Write a soliloquy like you did in opening

this -

but do it from the point of view of a different anime character.  Rei

would be

especially good, as it seems you don't care for the character much.

That's

how you get good at writing characters.

Now that is a kickass suggestion. I'll include it in 004.

-- Nick