The Reluctant SI 1:Toji Has a Little 'Accident' . . . Heh Heh Heh
(A NGE SI Parody)
By Ammadeau
Roy.Fokker@UNSpacy.org
http://members.tripod.com/~Ammadeau/fanfiction.htm
Note: Written on a half-asleep caffeine high, so don't expect it to
make a lot of sense.
Somehow, on the day before he was to be chosen as the
Fourth Child, Toji managed to break both an arm and a leg in a
freak peeping incident, showing that fate did in fact have a sense of
humor. The testing of Unit-03 had to proceed at once, however, so
Nerv needed a replacement pilot fast.
Down in the hidden depths of Steele's err . . . hidden base,
two shadowy figures spoke to one another, since they had tried just
standing around looking mysterious and it wasn't working out.
"I've heard of Nerv's problem in finding a new pilot. They
must defeat the Angels! I hate that team! Is Karou ready yet?"
"Nah, still not pale enough," Robert Smith replied.
Meanwhile, Nerv was considering many other candidates.
Gendo sat and flipped through glossy photographs while Fuyski
(or whatever his name is), looked on, sipping at a Tab he had
gotten from a computer.
"How about Hikari?" Dr. F asked, eyeing a picture of the
Pippy Longstocking wanna-be.
"We already attempted to recruit her. However, she is quite
determined to spend her time nursing Toji," TV's Gendo replied,
not mentioning that her idea of 'nursing' was force-feeding the jock
until he couldn't move. At the rate she was going, they wouldn't be
able to fit him into the entry plug by the time he was out of the
hospital.
"How determined?" the former tutor of Yui asked the big
boss man.
"Let's just say that the agents we sent after her now need
their own extended hospital stay, not to mention a personal
urologist," The grand master G replied, tapping his hand with a
nightstick.
"Ouch. What about Kenske?"
They both thought about hyperactive nerd boy in an EVA
and shuddered. Next photo.
"How about Pen-pen?"
On the other side of Tokyo-3, the bird in question felt a
sudden chill. It could be that he lived in a fridge. He shrugged,
grabbed a beer, and settled down for a little Discovery channel.
"Too young, unfortunately."
Eventually, the two commanders of Nerv decided to consult
the source of all wisdom, the script . . ., I mean the Dead Sea
Scrolls, which Gendo had gotten at a yard sale by trading it for
thirteen bowling pins.
Gendo said, "Here, I think I found the relevant passage.
'And so if the chosen child shall injure himself, thou shall elect an
author avatar to take his place. For he shall be an unbeatable smug
bastard, but beware the aura of smooth. Amen.'"
Gendo and Mr. F. nodded to each other in quiet satisfaction
and made the call.
And so Nerv officials busted into the home of the author
and dragged him away kicking and screaming for he had just
gotten a shipment of anime DVDs in the mail and hadn't had the
chance to watch any of them yet. One of the agents even nicked
his Rei wallscroll, the bastard.
Ammadeau was brought before the supreme commander of
Nerv, his highness Gendo Ikari, and his pet, the lovable Mr. F.
They were currently in Gendo's massive office where part of the
Tree of Life was blocked by the recently pilfered wallscroll.
Astute watchers of the series know which part, which will be left
unsaid because the author doesn't.
"You have been designated the 4th child," Commander Ikari
said in his usual 'oh so joyful' tone. One would not be surprised if
he had once worked helpdesk. Actually, it would explain a number
of things.
"Pull the other one." Ammadeau was not currently as his
best, after being shanghaied from his home by fictional characters.
Besides, the floor was cold and he wasn't wearing any shoes.
"Excuse me?" Mr. Ikari asked, not used to strangers telling
him to pull things. That was a right usually reserved for close
friends.
"You must be joking."
"I assure you that I'm completely serious."
"Yes, Commander Ikari is always serious. He wouldn't
know a joke if it bit him in the --"
Dr. F's little aside was cut off by a boot to the mid-section.
Amma tried to reason with the big kahuna of Nerv. "But
I'm not Japanese, not fourteen, and above all, not an anime
character!"
Gendo radiated enough smug self-confidence to kill flies at
thirty paces. "We can fix all that. We can make you better,
stronger, faster."
"Really?" Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
"No, not really."
Ammadeau decided that he didn't like Gendo's grin one bit.
Actually, he decided that he didn't like the whole Gendo at all.
And so our not-so-lovable avatar was brought before Nerv's
chief scientist and the only person who could get away with
wearing a bathing suit on duty, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi.
"Strip," she instructed. It sounded as if a command that she
was used to giving. There was also the fact that several of her
assistants began to remove their clothes until they realized that she
wasn't talking to them.
"What do you mean?" He wondered if the bleach she used
to dye her hair had started to effect her brain.
"It's a verb that means, in this instance, to take off one's
clothes, in this situation, your clothes. Is that clear enough for
you?"
There was no way that he was going to strip with two ladies
watching (Maya was there but as usual only had a bit part), so it
eventually came down to dragging over the screen from the pilot's
changing room for him to stand behind.
"Wo ho! Take it off!"
Ammadeau peeked his head around the corner of the
screen. "All right, which one of you said that?"
Ritsuko and Maya looked at each other, baffled.
Meanwhile, the mother component of the Magi was busy scolding
the woman component for the previous outburst.
"Okay, I'm done here," Amma shouted to them, feeling
very embarrassed, not to mention cold. Didn't they believe in
central heating at Nerv?
"We can tell," Maya and Ritsuko said simultaneously while
thinking that Shinji could have been right that the screen was a
little too thin after all. That might have explained why Asuka had
been muttering about toothpicks one day.
"What was that?"
Ritsuko ducked the question by instructing Ammadeau,
"Just get in the hatch on your right. It should close behind you."
Ammadeau walked into a big metal tube that appeared to
be somewhat like a smaller version of an entry plug. Once inside,
the door snapped shut and it began to fill with LCL. It was not
unlike drowning in warm, blood-flavored jello. Not that the author
knows what's that like, of course.
"Push the button, Maya," Ritsuko told her assistant.
Maya hit the button shaped like a horse.
There was a sudden flash of light and the smell of ozone.
A much higher pitched voice than expected shouted, "Argh! I'm a
girl now! Change me back! Change me back!"
"Oops, wrong button," said Maya, embarrassed and finally
getting a line in this story. Maya pushed the button shaped like a
mushroom and there was another flash of light.
"How do you feel now?" Ritsuko asked.
"Shorter," Ammadeau replied, restored to his correct
gender.
"Okay, I'm opening the tube now. Get dressed and get back
out here."
The tube drained of LCL, gave Ammadeau a quick washing
down of some very cold water, and dried him off with some very
warm air. It was not unlike going to a car wash with the windows
open, naked, and without a car.
Amma did as he was told, finding his clothes not fitting as
well as they once had. Maya had brought out a mirror so he could
admire his new younger, anime self. He looked somewhat like
Shinji, only with Kaji's hair. In other words, only resembling his
previous self in the vaguist sense.
"See? Now you're fourteen again."
Ammadeau suddenly realized that this meant he'd have to
go through high school again. He screamed and fainted.
Next time on the Reluctant SI, Ammadeau meets the Second
Child:
"I am the mighty Asuka, the greatest EVA pilot that has
ever lived! Consider yourself blessed to be in my presence."
"I thought Shinji had a higher sync ratio than you by now."
Blam! Kapow! Crunch! (And other Batman sound effects.)
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