^)^
Cute.
comedy is very hard.
Comments ##
(This fanfic is difficult to comment on. However I
think it can
be improved and is certainly well worth the effort. A
NICE story.)
Please remember that ALL comments are IMO. Take
what you find useful and ignore the rest.
--- Robert Knighton <knighton@scctel.com> wrote:
Just a quick one for your perusal. Hope you like
it.
Ranma 1/2: Wedding Night Adventures
By: Robert Knighton
knighton@scctel.com
Disclaimer: Ranma and company belong to Takahashi
Rumiko and those
to whom she sold the rights. I don't get any money
for this, so please don't
sue me.
-------
Ranma and Akane had NOT been happy. Their honeymoon
flight to the northern island had been canceled
until tomorrow afternoon at the
earliest because of a freak weather pattern that
brought a storm with almost
typhoon winds down upon
them.
##NAME the island. Has more impact than
"the northen island". I'd imagine Hokkaido from the
description. Not an ideal
honeymoon spot I'd think from what I've read. Here
are two URL's
on Japanese weddings/honeymoon destinations.
http://www.japan-guide.com/e/e2061.html
http://www.theage.com.au/daily/980327/news/news20.html
Detail ADDs to the story. Also break into two or more
sentences. This one is VERY long.
They couldn't even get a quiet hotel room,
because the government had
declared a halt to all non-emergency travel . THEY
thought it was an
emergency,
#<VBG> good line.
but the police that escorted them back home when
they were only five blocks
away from the nearest hotel obviously had different
ideas.
##Again, sentence overly long.
http://www.usia.gov/abtusia/posts/JA1/wwwh7111.html
(earthquakes, but is useful
for general Japanese emergency procedures) The biggest
problem is one of logic. Would the
police take them back home if they were only five
blocks from the hotel? It might be better to have the
police stop them just outside the doujou. ^_^
There are possibilities here . . .police . . .battle .
. .handcuffs . . .
Perhaps parody some of Ranma/Akane's epic battles with
police as Bad Guys.
Not necessary, but a possibility.
So they had to put up with their families. Some
more. And more. Constantly
butting in on them as they tried to get to bed.
Soun crying his eyes out
about
how his little girl was finally going to become a
woman. Nodoka constantly
trying to give Ranma hints about how he should
behave as a "Man among
men", and could they please hurry up and give her a
grandchild. Genma trying
to stay there in panda form with a sign reading
<*Don't mind your old pet
panda*>, and Nabiki trying to set up camera
equipment to film the event
"for posterity", altho the profits would be nice
too.
##The Genma line is cute. Otherwise this bit is too
choppy and bland. It reads more
as if it's an outline. Re-write. This is a good spot
for humor. Try to bring
the �problems' and �interference' to life. More
detail in descriptions and dialogue.
Finally Ranma'd had enough. He placed a large pile
of disassembled camera
equipment in Nabiki's hands, and told her to go
away, or he would tie her to
a stake in her bikini the next time Happousai came
around. He'd gently told
his mother that if she really wanted grandchildren,
they REALLY needed
some peace, so could she help out, and get these
people OUT of here?
##The Nabiki line is cute. You might experiment with
actually showing Ranma
doing these things and speaking. Contrast how that
reads compared with this
more removed exposition. Also involve Akane. She has
the temper ^)^.
And, again, MORE description of what's going on. For
instance . . .Nodoka
doesn't actually seem to DO anything, even after
prompted.
The fathers he'd challenged to a shogi drinking
game. Then he said that since
they were the wise elders of the clans, they should
play first. Bringing out a
case of sake, he said the rules were simple: first
to drink half the
bottles of sake
and stay awake for two hours was the winner, neither
could leave the game
until the two hours was over. Who knew what the
other might do to cheat?
##OK, IMO this is a GREAT opportunity for humor . .
.missed.
Very bland. Why not a more complicated game . . .send
them on
a scavenger hunt to Borneo. And what about Happosai?
He'd almost
have to be there. ^_^ (probably in the bedroom)
Kasumi had just smiled at them and went into her
room.
##IMO Kasumi has WONDERFUL possibilities for humor.
She could constantly interrupt with snacks or advice.
. .follow
them into the bedroom because it's �just not proper',
etc.
Finally, some peace came over the house. Not that
it was quiet, by any means.
Muffled sounds came from the newlywed's room, some
not so muffled. A few
giggles, some low voiced conversation, a smack.
"Hey! Watch where you're putting your hands,
pervert!"
##Cute. VERY cute.
"But honey, we're married now!"
##???Honey??? That doesn't fit either of them. They're
married
not pod-people. ^_^
IMO if �pervert' is said by Akane, then Ranma's line
would NOT be so
reasonable. More along the lines of:
"Hey----who'd want to touch an uncute tomboy like you
anyway." and take it from
there.
"Oh, yeah." *giggle* "Sorry."
##IMO the *giggle* is distracting.
"Hmmph!"
Some sighs, a few moans. You get the idea.
Suddenly the noise reached unheard
of peaks.
##re-write. this is distracting and breaks the mood of
the story.
"RAANMAA!!!"
"AKANEEE!!"
And a doubled "KIIYAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" (That's funny,
where did that bright
flash of light come from?)
##Almost. This is a very difficult scene to write.
IMO it's very awkward
and artificial sounding.
Quickly followed by utter pandemonium.
"What's that smell?"
"Gee, I don't know, Akane."
##Delete these three lines. IMO distract from the
story.
IMO works better if go directly to:
"Smoke!"
"Smoke?!?!"
"Smoke!"
"AHHH!!! HOT HOT HOT!!"
"Don't just lie there baka, get some water!!"
##<BG> Much better. IMO this is getting close to the
punch line so short and
fast is better.
"Water! WATER!! The sheets!! Putitout!!
putitout!!"
The sound of running feet going to the bath, and
back followed by a
large *Splash*.
##More detail or delete. IMO you can do w/o this.
"HEY!!" A suddenly soprano voice yelled. "Watch
where that stuff
goes next time!"
"NEXT TIME!!!" Akane shrieked. "What makes you
think there's ever
going to be a next time!!?
##Very good.
I'm so embarrased!!! ##embarrassed
WAAHHH!!"
##IMO the WAAHHH detracts from the impact. Delete.
"I'm so embarrassed!!!" is a good line. this is a spot
to
experiment. you might be able to come up with a better
one.
By this time the entire houshold was gathered at the
door. Inside was a
disaster. There was smoke everywhere. The futon
was still smoldering,
and the covers were a wadded up mass of soggy ash.
The window was
open to let some fresh air in, and Ranma-onna held a
crying Akane in her
lap on the desk chair, with a fresh blanket wrapped
around the two of them.
##Not bad. again, experiment with different wording,
changes of scene to see if you can make it funnier or
more poignant. Humor needs contrast.
Nabiki, video recorder in hand, took a look around,
and grinned like she'd
just found her fortune for life.
##???Why? she missed the good stuff.
"Oi, Sis!!" She said with a quick off hand wave at
the room. "I've heard of
being hot between the sheets, but THIS...!"
##Punchline is a little flat. Partly because it is
too expected. You might want to change the
initial setup. The c'hi blast during climax was cute
but
there are other possibilities. Recall Akane is VERY
physical,
even while sleeping. Perhaps this carries over into
more
intimate moments. ^_^ Perhaps Love really IS a
battlefield. ^_~
A different set up will allow for different punch
lines. Experiment.
Play with different scenarios. Humor is based on
timing and the
unexpected. CONTRAST is very important.
Also try experimenting with different
family members . . .or even bring in Ukyou or Shampoo
or Kodachi
to give the line. IMO Nabiki is too obvious for this.
And perhaps have
RANMA crying and Akane comforting. Again, contrast and
the unexpected.
All in all very nice.
-------
Ok... Ok... I admit that this is a REALLY quick one
shot, but I had the basic
scene come to me, and then "La Femme Nabiki" came
up and whispered
the punch line to me. I promptly lost it. Then I
had to get it down somehow
so I could cast it out before you.
I was going to see if I could make it better, but I
admit defeat. I am not
very
good at telling a joke. If you think that you can
take the punch line and
make a better joke, feel free. I'd love to see it.
Thanks to Karaohki and Jarred Mitchell for their
comments on the original.
Robert Knighton
13-September-1999
Robert Knighton
knighton@scctel.com
"I don't write for those who already know the
universe I created, I write
for those who are discovering it for the first time.
Thus it always seems
fresh and new."
-- Unknown author
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