Once more into the fray.  I found the second installment
more interesting, definitely more packed with some valuable images.
However, I believe they rush by so fast that they don't receive the
level of "SHOCK" Value that I think you might intend with them.
Ranma being beaten up, and the other such stuff.  The sexual
situation was fairly well represented, and if more is given it might
perhaps upset people more than shock them, so that can be left alone
I think.

        Characterization:  Better with Cologne... although I still
wonder at how she was beaten.  Also, male Amazons are not regarded
highly in the Joketsuzoku tribe.  Mousse isn't even regarded well,
and he is practically one of the only male warriors (Male's are for
domestic work, not fighting).  I found it somewhat dissatisfying
that the characters are so hastily portrayed.  If it was a REAL
nightmare of reality, they would be realistic in some manner, some
of the things they said/did seemed easy to tip Ranma off.
        Also, why just Ranma/Cologne/Ka'Lar?

        Continuity: Once again, moving forwards and fluidly doing
so... however, it is far too fluid.  Things rush by so fast that the
images have very little time to settle before the reader is
assaulted with another one.  Some people do this for the idea that
it will shock their readers faster, actually it just confuses the
brain as all the images smash together and get muddled.  I am fairly
good at remembering details, but I can't put into order or
description what Ranma went through for most of the installment.
Slow down, take some time to describe each thing, and let everything
sink in just a little more.  That's my official suggestion for
Continuity.

        Foreshadowing: Not much in this one, but I could see where
it was going right off the bat.  Again.  Being predictable isn't
always the way to go, since if the fic becomes predictable to a
fault, then people just avoid it because they can tell what is going
to happen by reading the first few paragraphs.
        I think the most obvious of all this foreshadowing however
is that your villain is really just a misunderstood goodguy who
thinks he wants power, and will be later convinced that his way is
the wrong way, thus removing the conflict.  That is basically what I
see happening, hopefully not however, as the fic has some potential.

        Cohesiveness: Again, it is very choppy and abrupt.  Hasty.
You lost the smooth flow of it (as well as the gradualness of it)
after the golf scene in the first episode.  Everything seems to be
running too fast, the scenes are dreadfully short for each instance
for Ranma.
        Also, I found it rather disturbing of the mood when you have
Ka'Lar acting like a comedy character, eating popcorn and whatnot
while watching Ranma.  This is a complete opposite to the entire
feel of the rest of the fic, and my suggestion is that you make him
a bit more cruel.  Get rid of the popcorn... and also, if you are
going to have scenes with him between each piece of Ranma's
suffering, make them longer.  Side comments get annoying in fics
because they distract from the continuity and hinder the
cohesiveness of the story.  Interrupting the readers thoughts should
usually not be done.

        General comment: I mentioned a lot of the same things in
here.... stick with one sort of "FEEL" to the story.  Comedy can be
put in without interrupting the feel, but it has to be put in the
right place so as not to destroy the basic angst/darkness of the
story line.  You haven't improved on your first section with the
second, it almost feels like more of the same.  Try to expand on the
story, and your own abilities as a writer, instead of sticking to
one style that makes your stories seem like carbon copies.  Writing
is a never ending process, and any good author continues to expand
their horizon's and skills.


        Once more, I thank you for your time and patience in this
C&C, and I hope that you have perhaps benefited from my words.  If
you find that my suggestions are hindering to your story, then don't
follow them.  I'm only offering you some of what I've learned, not
trying to tell you how to write the story.

        I did enjoy it, incidentally, but it could be much more.  I
would like to see it expanded upon, improved, etc.  There is a lot
you could do with it, and I await the next chapter.

--
Sincerely....
Shimitsu Kaori.
Lost "Dragon-Gal"
of Shimitsu-Ryuu.
Princess of Chaos.
"What makes a curse is simply the view, a blessing to some is a
curse unto you, But
acceptance can conquer that fear you hold high, through acceptance
comes peace.....
are you willing to try?"
   -Quote from Kaori Shimitsu.
My Homepage at!
http://members.xoom.com/_XOOM/Shimitsu/chaos.htm
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