Vincent Seifert wrote:

<Insert Usual Disclaimer>

All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.

And welcomed. :)

Kaji Awanai sat on the gunwale of the small harbour tug and
enjoyed the night breeze blowing gently upon Tokyo Bay. On
certain nights, when the waters turned crystal clear, he
fancied he could see right into the heart of the harbour. On
one such occasion, he was certain he had seen a legend. A
mermaid, boldly female with a tail of silver scales. She had
blown him a kiss, flicked her tail, and vanished, leaving
him forlorn.

{I don't suppose this is the same variety of mermaid whose flesh has one
chance in a thousand of granting immoratlity, is it? :) }

Oh, definitely so, since this is majorly based on Takahashi-sama's works.

The Devourer of Ships lurked the deeps of Tokyo harbour.

lurked in the {?}

Hmm, that sounds more grammatically correct, but I think the sentenceimpact
is greater the way it is.

[snip]

{This is very interesting: it seems that Nabiki is placing herself
solidly on Ranma's "side", where before she had little interest in his
conflicts save to exploit them. It's a sensible thing to do, mind you,
in light of Ranma's true nature, but Nabiki always seemed to eschew the
more exotic implications of the magic that follows Ranma around,
preferring mundanity and cash.}

Very true. I couldn't find anyone else in the Tendo home who wasmore likely
than her to watch the news and be ready to tape it.

Also, she's intelligent enough to realize that Ranma stands a good
chance of ending up as the Eastern Demon Lord, which would
open up a lot of good opportunities for her. :)

life. Her father had bawled, and then said that since Ranma
was already half a man, it wouldn't make much difference for
the marriage.

{Ow.  That's hitting Ranma right on a very sore spot.}

Yes, indeed - guess I was influenced by the Soun from thePicollet Chardin
story arc.

[snip]

"Ukyo-sama," came the soft, feminine voice of her resident
kunoichi, "there's someone here to see you."

{Is Konatsu going to be a significant character too? I hope so;
Konatsu's cool. :) }

If I find out a bit more about him, quite likely. As it is, myknowledge of
him is close to zero. Research, research. :)

[snip]

grandmother go back to village to get Shampoo marriage
released. Shampoo tell Ranma this when is time. Want tell
you now so you no get wrong idea. Shampoo and Ranma still
be destined together, if not why he son of cat-demon and
Shampoo have cat curse? Ranma is Shampoo's. Spatula Girl
stay away if know what good for her."

{Actually, Shampoo does use pronouns, at least in Japanese. :) This
particular fanfic cliche appears to be due to the fact that in Japanese,
proper nouns can be used where pronouns would be used in English, and
this has been perpetuated by Viz. Also, Shampoo refers to and addresses
Ranma as "Airen" as well as "Ranma".}

Nods. My Shamp-speak is pretty weak. Does 'Airen' mean 'beloved' ormerely
'husband'?

[snip]

Ryoga's eyes snapped wide open. Sultry, dark eyes, framed by
Kodachi's smiling face and lustrous black hair, scrutinized
him calmly. His body tightened apprehensively, trotters
clasping at the smooth surface below him, and she giggled
again. Out of the corner of his eye, he realized that the
'cushy pillow' seemed to be a silk-covered mound of fine,
womanly--

{heh.  I saw this coming.  :) }

Grin.

Blood erupted from his snout in a rising arc, and
consciousness started to leave him. "Ick, really! Do you do
that all the time?" He heard Kodachi say. "I do wonder what

time?" he

She tilted her head fetchingly in contemplation, staring at
the bath and envisioning a muscular form that was no longer
there. "Then again, why can't I have them both?!
Ohohohohohoho!!"

{Excellent. :) I wonder what Ranma's reaction will be; this could be a
repeat of some of the attitudes he showed in the Reversal Jewel story,
or perhaps Jusendo made him a bit more, er, focused.}

It'll be fun to work that out in the storyline.

 The laughter pealed out and chased after a
distant figure, who was intent on finding a clothing store.

{Or a towel, or even a figleaf...  :) }

Anything, really, to stop those pesky girls from chasing himand shouting
'Pervert!', while waving brooms in the air. :)

Akane cleared her throat noisily. "What the heck do you
think you're doing? We're supposed to be ..." she trailed

be..."  She

off uncertainly as something oddly familiar about the entire
scene struck her: this was how Ranma and his father always
acted towards each other. She suddenly realized why it was
happening this time - Ranma was trying to come to grips with
the fact that Genma wasn't his real father as such, but he
was willing to fall back on their old relationship in the
meantime, and Genma ... Genma was willing to do the same.
She sat back, stunned at her intuitive flash of insight,

{Me too. Akane's usually thick as a brick about stuff like this. It's
plausible that, since it is a) blatant and b) happening to someone else,
it's perceptible to her this time, though.}

Nods. It is OOC for her to be so observant. Though she has beenused to
provide 'insights' into battles before by Takahashi-sama (and
she's usually wrong, too :)

 and
reconsidered all of their sparring, their arguments and
their insults in a new light.

{Very good, Akane.  Now take it one step farther... :) }

Nope, no way - it's straining her insight as much as it isright now. :)

[snip]

"Shukumaru," Genma said softly. "That was the name he gave.

{Since I'm one of two writers of Fire Tripper fanfic on the list, this
gave me a double-take. :) }

Heh, Gary mentioned this as well. I completely forgot about it butit must
have surfaced subconsciously at least for me to think it up.

As I mentioned in the reply, 'Shukumaru' here probably means
the same thing.

[snip]

"Yes, everything I did on that ten-year training journey was
to ensure that Ranma would stand a chance against this
enemy," Genma said, nobly looking off into the distance.

{heh.  Truth, perhaps, but not whole truth.  Very Genma.}

Yup.

[snip]

Ryoga bashed his head against the brick wall, ignoring the
flying dust. He rested his forehead in the depression formed
by the head-butt. The credit card nestled in his innermost
bandanna had reclothed and re-equipped him,

{Credit cards seem at once too mundane and too convenient for Ranma 1/2,
but up to you...}

It is a rather obvious plot device. :)

 but his mind
kept wandering back to that scene in the bathroom. Akari, he
thought desperately. He had to remember her. But then, he'd
never seen her like that - the towel barely covering her
nude body and exposing her silky-smooth limbs. Arrrghhh!
Akane, Akari and now Kodachi! What was wrong with him? Why
was he such a--

{Two-timer? Three-timer? :) After v38, though, Ryoga's pretty much given
up on Akane.}

Heh. More referring to Akane as one of his past dilemmas.

[snip]

{Bwahahahaha!  Excellent.}

Thanks. :)

[snip]

had never sounded like that before. A thrill of fear touched
him as he looked up from Akane, still drowning her sorrows
into his shirt and oblivious to everything else, to see
Ranma's steely eyes glaring at him.

{Yup. That's the other result of Jusendo. Under "normal" circumstances,
Ryoga can beat Ranma perhaps three times out of five, but give Ranma a
reason to go all-out and Ryoga may get what Saffron got... and Ryoga
knows it.}

Yup, threaten Akane and the gloves come off - which would be sucha fun thing
to use ...

"Are you feeling better?" Ranma said as he removed the cold
compress from Akane's forehead. For once, they had been left
alone in her bedroom though Kasumi bustled in with food,

bedroom, though

tea, medicine, laundry, and a miscellany of other items
every once in a while.

{Is she wearing a "chaperone" nametag?  :) }

Nah, too obvious :)

"Thanks, Ranma," Akane said, eyes aglow with enthusiasm.
"You won't regret this, I promise."

{Famous last words.  :) }

Indeed.

[snip]

Shampoo shrugged without much concern. With Mousse out of
the way and the Nekohanten currently closed, she had a lot
more free time to chase after Ranma. Challenging a demon was
a cheap price to pay for that.

{That's Shampoo, all right.  :) }

Very much so, isn't it?

Ranma frowned momentarily, then focused back onto the
problem before them. They had taken the train to nearby
Minato and walked the rest of the way to the harbour. Now
what, he wondered.

what? he

"Gah, it looks like a scene from that horrible gaijin remake
of Gojira," Ryoga muttered in dismay. The entire group
hastily leapt back towards shelter to avoid the huge wave
and the certainty of cold water spraying everywhere.

{Some with more fear, er, enthusiasm than others. :) }

Heh. Only Akane and Ukyo wouldn't worry about it. :)

"Mighty one, demon of five-thousand-years, whose name is
known to the Amazons of Joketsuzoku who live within the
heart of China, Great Umibozou, I greet you." Shampoo paused
to watch the serpent preen its scales and flukes, glorying
in her praise. She hid a smile. "Know that before you stands
one who is heir to the throne of the Demon Lord of the East.
He is Yami-no-tsume's own son and proclaims his might to all
who would seek to serve or defeat him. I present to you,
Great Serpent, one whose name shall be written in the
heavens and the hells - Ranma Saotome!" She stepped back
gracefully, unobtrusively trodding on Ranma's foot to cue

treading  {Nice speech.  You, not the Joketsuzoku.  Well, them too. :) }

Thank you. *bow*

him, and backed away.

the serpent's golden eyes. Still, he sweated a bit when he
noticed out of the corner of his eye, a large hump - the
size of a small island - break the surface of the bay's
water out in the distance. That was over three miles away,

{...or five kilometers.  They use metric in Japan, yes?}

Nods. I'm an old-fashioned soul here. :)

[snip]

"Arrghhh!" Akane whispered through gritted teeth. "Doesn't
he ever learn?!"

{He keeps learning he's right.  What do you expect?  :) }

Behavioural reinforcement. :)

[snip]

Ryoga blushed a brilliant shade of red and twiddled his
thumbs nervously. "Ahehehe ... I don't really know."

{He never does.  :) }

Nope, completely clueless.

[snip]

"Crazy Rose Girl sure know how to piss everyone off,"
finished Shampoo, hands clenched tight over the handles of
her bonbori.

{"Yeah! Who's going to indulge MY senses?!"  :) }

"Bah, date too boring," Shampoo muttered in a dissatisfied tone."Airen! You
come s---w with Shampoo, now!"

[snip]

"Oh, boys," Kodachi purred as she snuggled into Ranma's arms.
"There's no need to fight over me. I have more than enough
love for the two of you."

{Oh, my.  What a great exchange.  Applause.}

*bow* *bow* Thanks.

"Dear me," observed Kodachi. "And I did think there was too
much evil energy around the place too."

place, too."

{Yes, it's coming from a writer who thinks cliffhangers are fun! Argh!}

But they are! :)

5) 'Shukumaru' - this is a little play on names, taking the
'shuku' from 'shukuteki' which means 'archenemy' or 'nemesis'
- 'teki' meaning 'enemy' and 'shuku' meaning 'destiny' or
'fate', thus literally: 'destined enemy'; 'maru' comes from
'Sesshomaru' who is Inu-Yasha's fully demonic half-brother
in that series.

I'll have to look up the FT Shukumaru and see which kanji he uses.

Nods.

Good chapter. Pacing and the balance of humor, drama, action, and
romance all fine. A few characterization glitches, in my opinion, but
nothing fatal.  Keep it up!

Thank you. I will.

Next chapter hopefully out soon since I have Sunday free. :)

Phil.

Thanks for writing and sharing!

Thanks for commenting!

Vince Seifert    Network Analyst     seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
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CSUS hired me to build their LANs, not to give away the homeworld.