(begin second half)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
He was too serious. It bothered me.
I could never tell what he was thinking, or that he was thinking at all.
Such an intense silence seemed to point to a total lack - of feeling, of
thinking. His silence was a weapon, and he used it as well as the swords he
carried, perhaps better.
His team had argued occasionally. The only thing it took to stop them was
his appearance. He didn't have to say anything, merely become visible from
whatever shadow he had been hiding in. That was enough.
It bothered Kanryu as well. I enjoyed that. Whenever the two were to meet,
I would try to be there. That was the only time I would willingly go near
Kanryu. Otherwise, I would distance myself as far as possible from him.
Even if we were sitting face to face.
He was someone that seemed to represent something higher, even in the world
of criminals. He didn't kill because it pleased him, as I could see. He
didn't kill simply because Kanryu ordered him to either.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, there had been a break in. Some poor burglar had though that he
would be able to break into the mansion and steal something of value. It
was obvious that the man was not used to the professional level that the
team was. He was not only caught, he was awaited.
The team had taken up position in the dining room. They had seen him enter
the premises, and had noted that he was alone. They decided to allow him to
enter the house, so as to make it easier to trap him. He had believed that
the thief may have been a spy for someone else more dangerous.
In the end, it turned out that the man was a poor peasant. A homeless man
who worked for one of the small time criminal groups that populated the
city. It wasn't surprising that he would attack such a tempting prize as
the mansion, he seemed to be quite the idiot.
Kanryu ordered that the thief be killed. He didn't care who the man was,
just that he had broke into the house. Kanryu's pride had been pricked. He
thought that he had bought the greatest defense possible. He blamed the
leader for the failure. How could he have let this filthy beggar in? So
stupid. He simply didn't see the logic in it.
Nor did he see the point of letting the man go. Why not kill him? It's not
like anything would be wasted. But he refused. It would be better to let
the man return to his employers and inform them that Kanryu was not someone
to be trifled with. This placated the fool quite well. He suddenly became
magnanimous, patting the terrified thief on the head like a dog, talking to
him like a child. As if the plan had been his.
I had witnessed the event from a distance. I had been on the second story
landing, looking down into the room, watching what had happened. My shadow
had left me for that event, but returned once everything was cleared. As
always, he followed, twelve paces behind, as I returned to my room. I
stopped at the door and went no further. He would not come any closer. I
went inside.
After closing the door, I walked over to the window and looked out at the
sky. It was a dark night, the clouds obscuring the stars. There was a
familiar creak in the floorboards as he took up position by the door. I
walked back towards it and opened it. He was standing twelve steps away
from the door.
Why had he not killed him? The reply?
There was no point.
I closed the door and retired to bed. After a moment, I head the
floorboards creak.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Once, while staying the night at the Kamiya Dojo, I had heard the
floorboards creak. Looking out, a saw a shadow pass the door. I must have
been breathing heavily, my eyes wide open. For when Kenshin opened the door
to check if I was alright, he remarked that I looked terrified.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fox lady.
I hate that name. It doesn't really fit, I think. Whether that's just due
to my pride, I don't know. Who wants to be called a name but the person
that specifically sets out to become the name called? If my actions make me
appear as I seem to, that is not the sum of my intentions. I have other
reasons. But you can only look at the surface, so that's all you see.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One morning, I awoke early. I got up and dressed, waiting for the familiar
creak that would signify that my shadow had risen from his seat by my door,
having heard me get up also. There was none.
A cracked open the door and peaked out. He was standing down the hall
further on, where the walls opened out over the first floor of the house.
He had taken his jacket off, something I had never seen occur before. Two
long streamers of fabric fell nearly to the floor from where they were
attached on his belt. I peered at them, his back turned, and could make out
something else. Hidden under the arcing bend in one of the bows was a small
ribbon - blue. I was tied around his belt. He had been tracing his finger
along its edge when he heard me.
He must have been deep in thought. He whirled around, grabbing his jacket
from the banister rail as he did so. For a moment, he disappeared under a
whirl of white material before he reappeared, jacket back into place.
I said nothing. Neither did he.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Kanryu had a feast that evening. Some of his business associates were
there. They were celebrating the deal they had just sealed, and they wanted
a show. I was the most obvious choice of course.
He had sat me at one end of the table, opposite himself. Like some sort of
awful parody of a kind and queen. Perhaps it was fitting, though. He had
been a fan of chess, though he was no good at himself. I wondered if he
realized the irony.
His fellow businessmen sat, alternately gorging themselves on the food
available, and leering at me. A number of times, the ones nearest and
leaned over to him and whispered. He had been jocular at the first few
incidences, but his mood seemed to worsen as it continued. After a short
while, he had me escorted to my room. Apparently, his show had created a
backlash he didn't care for.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is always a wonderful word to try and qualify. Why did you do this?
Which why would the question refer to? The need to exercise the power to do?
The power to execute the act? The expression of the will made in the act?
Sometimes, I don't want to know why. I just want to know what's to be done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When Kenshin left, there had been many reasons why. But did those matter to
the ones he left behind?
It didn't matter to Kaoru, who fell apart at the seams. She couldn't be
bothered with the why. The mere fact was too crushing a weight for her.
But she had forgotten what had happened. Something that I had to remind her
of, forcefully. She had gotten a goodbye at least.
What have I ever gotten? I either never had something in the first place,
or I had something I hated and could not rid myself of.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I can never rid myself of the memory. That leering grin on Kanryu's face
was enough to make me vomit. What he had just decreed - made me wish to die
immediately, or kill him. But the latter was out of the option, because he
was there. And the former was not available for the same reason. Normally,
you define your shadow. My case was the opposite.
He had been egged on too much by those mean he dealt with. They were used
to getting their ways. But Kanryu had always been so focused on money and
collection, that he seemed not to take advantage of what he had in his
possession. Something that the associates had been pointing out to him.
Being the pride-bloated man that he was, Kanryu would not stand for the
situation. He would have never made this ultimatum if he had not felt
constrained by his pride to do so. He thought that his money gave him so
much power, but he could not even free himself from the opinions of others
that didn't matter.
I had felt the world shatter when he had spoken, as if the words had the
power of complete destruction in them. And in a way, they did. He could
kill me, but that was obviously not an option he had been willing to go
through with. Doing so, he would no longer be able to control me. But
damage does not indicate death. He could still hurt me quite well enough,
even if he wasn't willing to kill me.
And so it came to be.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There was no point to it really. At least, that's what many would have
said. But they would have been wrong. There was a point. Many points in
fact. To control, humiliate, subordinate. Each involved party was to be
effected.
Sometimes, I can't believe that he didn't do something similar long before.
But after, I learned why. He was weak, utterly powerless. Everything
depended on circumstance, which he was as much a victim of as a controller.
But his pride wouldn't allow for him to see himself that way. So he did the
only thing he was able to - he rearranged the circumstances.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When you put on a good enough show, you can convince anyone that you are
being true. Even the charlatan can eventually make himself believe in his
own lies if he is good enough. That's what silence is, not talking so that
you don't have to face what you or anyone else is. In silence, you can
ignore everything else, and hold yourself at the center of everything. That
is, until someone else speaks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Kanryu had spoken.
Tonight.
I waited patiently in my room. As patiently as a victim could wait.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When he had given me the knife, I wondered why. Was he saving me from
shame, or himself? Should the truth come out, would he actually be bothered
by it? Or did he have some feeling for me, in some way, no matter how muted?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When the boy had been poisoned, I worked feverishly to prevent his death.
If he had died, it would have been yet another debt on my head.
I didn't ask myself why, though, I just saved him.
It was only until later that I rationalized it.
So it makes me wonder, what is the real reason for the act?
Simply because one can?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I sat on the bedding, facing the window. I heard the floorboard creak. The
door opened.
He stood there. I had turned to look at him over my shoulder, then turned
back to look out the window. He entered, and I heard a rustling as he left
his jacket and weapons by the door.
The was another creak. Kanryu had taken up position by the door. I loosened
the sash.
Before I had heard anything, his hands were on my shoulders.
He had never touched my before. And I don't recall that he ever did
afterwards. And I don't mean in this sense. He had never touched me at
all, save once. Kanryu had been cruel the whole of the day, taking out his
anger for a failed transaction on me. By the evening, I had taken all the
abuse I could.
I swung at him, backhanding him with every ounce of force I could muster.
He was too stunned at first to say or do anything. His glasses had landed
several feet away; he was forced to buy another pair. I had not been
stopped. The first blow posed no threat. But when I took up the knife from
the dinner table, I found myself suddenly restrained. A gloved hand gripped
my wrist. No effort was made to disarm me, he waited for me to drop the
knife of my own volition. After the threat was gone, he stepped back,
allowing Kanryu to avenge his harmed pride.
But now, actual hands. He had them after all. His clothing had begun to
seem as if it was part of his body itself, the way it remained constantly
unaltered in appearance. There seemed to be a human that had been hidden
under that shroud of clothing.
The kimono had already fallen from my shoulders. For a moment, I though he
would do nothing. But then he began massaging them. After a moment, the
grip became painful. He wasn't massaging them, he was holding them like a
weapon; a swordsman reaffirming his hold before committing himself to a
lethal duel. But why do that here?
I turned my head to look in his eyes, but he leaned forward and kissed the
opposite shoulder - avoiding my glance. I switched, trying to catch him on
the other side, but he repeated the evasion. I turned at the waist, coming
around so that he would no be able to avoid me again. He didn't.
His eyes. Those ice cold eyes. They were no longer so cold. Something
else lay behind the frigid exterior. What was it though? I still cannot
decide.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Kanryu found himself disappointed at the spectacle he had arranged. I
looked over Aoshi's shoulder at the man. He was peering around the corner
of the open doorframe like a child. I looked back at Aoshi and kissed him.
I don't know what Kanryu had expected. But that was not it. Shortly after,
he quit his post at the door. Aoshi remained with his back to the door, so
he had not seen.
I don't know why his eyes where that way. I don't know why I remember now
of all times. But he seemed to want to hide it, regardless. At every
opportunity, they were closed. If not closed, narrowed to slits and
obscured behind his bangs. I reached up and brushed his hair away from his
face.
Look at me.
He stared, unblinking and unfocused. I leaned up to place my face inches
from his.
Look at me.
I would not be used as Kanryu had wanted me to be. And I would not be
objectified by his servant as another task. Unable to look away from or past
me, Aoshi stopped. For several minutes, he did nothing but look. He kissed
me, without looking away or closing his eyes, before resuming.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think the thing that I hate the most about the fox lady appellation is
that it focuses on something that isn't me. Granted, it's a part - an
incidental and unintended part - of me, but it is nowhere near the whole.
That's why I specifically aim my prodding of Kaoru at her tomboyish image,
because I know that it's not the whole of who she is. I know that she gets
angry that she is judged without having shown herself for who she is in
total.
And that's why I pick on Sano in the same manner. Attack his most obvious
flaws.
Even Kenshin, is treated the same. I only over emphasize his positive
aspects, the ones that are already so readily apparent.
Some people hide the whole of who they are, for some reason or another. For
their own protection or for others.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was laying on my side. He was as well. We faced opposite ends of the
room, backs to one another. He seemed reluctant (afraid?) to get up. After
ages, I spoke.
Why had he done this?
He was ordered to.
But there was no point.
There was a point.
And what was this reason?
It seems that even the most hardened killers may have something that they
care for, though not necessarily in the ways others do.
Somewhere, there was a place that he had come from. At that place, there
were others that he had known from his youth.
No fortress is safe from assault. No warriors beyond defeat.
But still, why believe the danger to be real? Because it just may be.
And there was nothing to be lost if it was a bluff.
So he had felt in the beginning.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, I look into his eyes again, and he doesn't look away. He doesn't
look at me either. He looks through me, searching for Kenshin. He would
kill me if necessary.
I am saved, by one with eyes more evil than his. The man who nearly killed
Kenshin.
Aoshi departs. I am left to watch his retreating back and wonder what
happened to the other thing I saw in his eyes that night. Was it gone
totally now? Was he beyond redemption?
Am I?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
(end)
Ketheres Elyion
The EVA Sage
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Fuji/3082/index.html
Evangelion Components RPG
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Field/5701/index.html (homepage)
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/evangelioncomponentsrpg (club page)
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com