Hi and Thanks for the C&C.

I've made all of the grammatical changes you found.  I'm just letting you
know some of why the fic is why it is.

Not much to comment on grammar and errors. Your fic's written lot
better than most Ranma fics I've read on FFML. That alone is a great
accomplishment, IMO.

Thanks ^_^

However, it, unfortunately, fell into one of the classic traps for new
fics. No matter how well-written your story is, not everyone wants
to reread same stuff they've read before. I've read the opening scene
of Ranma and Genma fighting, Ranma gets splashed, and Kasumi ends
the fight. Another pathetic attempt by both fathers to bring R&A

together

fails. Ryouga appears and blames Ranma for his problems (again,
although the reference to Charlotte's Web was amusing), and they
fight again. Needless to contiune, what I'm trying to say is that I
think you could've done better in terms of story. So far there's
nothing to indicate what might be the main storyplot, nowhere
there is any indication of the conflict. It's pretty much status quo.

Strangely enough, that is exactly the feeling what I was trying to generate.
Why?  When I originally wrote this, I was trying to get a feel for the
characters and the only way to do this was to write a chapter where everyone
behaved similarly to the way they do in TOS.  When I rewrote this chapter, I
left it in to help explain why Ranma gets fed up with the status quo.  

 

Also, it appears that most of the dialogue is stilted. Ranma's never
the one to use formal dialogue. His language is pretty crude, and
doesn't seem to improve much as the series progresses.

	Ouch, this one hurts.  So much for trying for IC. heh I will make
his speech more basic and crude, however, don't expect me to use anything
haarsher than "heck".  I dislike the overuse of swear words.

Now for some direct comments:

In a message dated 9/21/99 11:50:11 PM, allenmk@gte.net writes:

    "Ranma, If you will not be using those articles again, might I

have

them?" Kasumi asked again.

    "What???" Everyone looked at the eldest Tendo daughter in
disbelief.

I'm not sure, but I think I may've read the original version. The only
one thing that stood out from the rest of it was this phrase. ^_^;;

I liked this one myself.  I was laughing as I wrote this. 

     I don't even LIKE you, you see!
     Kuno, just leave me be!
     You cannot protect me.
     You cannot protect a boat,
     or even protect a Goat!
     So, ...

That's something you don't see everyday; Ranma returning Kuno's
'challenge' on his terms with poetry. ^_^

Well, he's tried everything else hasn't he?

"Airen Shampoo's husband.  Go get own man."  Shampoo
raised her bon-bori's in challenge.

I've never heard Shampoo phrase Ranma as 'husband', always referring
to him as 'Arien.' Bon-bori's misspelled though, but I can't recall

the

proper spelling at this moment.

I was getting tired of using Airen, which I understand to mean husband,
over and over.  If someone will give me the proper spelling of bon-bori, I
will be happy to use it.

    "Why, Ranma darling is my man, you silly girl."  Kodachi put her
hand over her mouth laughing at the sheer naivete of such a

suggestion.

Where's her trademark maniac laughter? ^_-

I was alluding to it by her action in laughing.  She usually poses (in the
anime, at least) like this while she maniacally laughs.  I didn't want to
specifically write it out.

    Akane was left with taking care of her fiance.  She half-drug,
half-carried him to the office of Dr. Ono.  Once the two returned

back

to their home, the day settled into relative peace.

While he was naked?! Akane must be a greater pervert than her finacee.

;)

Fixed this.

Actually, I'm surprised that Kodachi and Shampoo would beat up Ranma
while he was in the nude (Akane, though, may not be as restrained).

Hey, he pissed them off.

    After dinner, Ranma jumped onto the roof of the dojo to do some
serious thinking.

Woah, isn't that right out of the blue here? I mean, after countless

same

events occuring daily (which I SERIOUSLY doubt that), he just plops

down

and do some serious thinking stuff one day? That's not him. More

likely

he'd gradually think about trivial matters (like why does he keep on

eating

Akane's cooking) and over few days he advances to more complex

thoughts.

But that's my opinion anyway.

yeah, but I was attempting to show Ranma having a more "normal" day than he
usually has and getting fed up with it.  After all, I'm attempting to write
this as a post-manga continuation.  (Gary, forgive me for my later use of
Sasuke)  He has a little more than a year of this kind of stuff happening
and eventually everyone gets fed up with it.  I agree that he;d probably
worry about the little things first, but I didn't want to slow the fic down
too much.
 

    'OK, Ryouga, friend or foe?'

Both. ^_-
But I think you would be better off using < > or some other characters

to

indicate thoughts. A single quote are diffuclt to use as thoughts,

since

they are often confused or misunderstood.

Understood, in the future I will use something like brackets where I can't
make the thought an implied one.. 

    'If I choose Akane, I would get a girl that I ... I ... L-word.
Ha, I said it!  I would get someone who really L-words me back. (Hey
it's getting easier to say! This ain't so bad!)

So he's pretty much admitted that he loves Akane. When did he decide

on

this fact?

Come on, he's thinking! ^_^;;  Especially after Saffron, I think he'd be
able to admit, albeit haltingly, his feeling for Akane to himself.  

    'If I choose Ukyou, I would get a girl that I L-word, too.  (Ha

ha,

this is easy to say.. L-word, L-word, Lo...)

Same here. Though he seems to be thinking more like a kid here. ("I
can say the L-word! I can say the L-word!" ;p) Shows his immaturity,
so how can he be mature at the same time? ;)

It's called being a teen-ager. Bidah!

This is defieintely not the canon Ranma we know. It's also OOC of him.
He's never shown to be considerate of others.

Well,  he's never shown to be too inconsiderate either.  He does goes to
many lengths to pay his debts and to rescue Akane or whomever he knows that
was the abductee of the month.  I didn't think the stretch was too much.  Oh
well.

Overall, like I said at the start, the story's well-written, compared
to most of fanfics  on FFML. And it's been formatted, to boot! A great
treat for readers, since many don't try and use few minutes of their
time to ensure that their fics are properly formatted.

Thanks again!

However, while it's written well, the concept is poorly executed. What
you've got here is same as what's been written countless times in the
past, though I'll admit not many were as good as yours. There's

nothing

new here, and the idea of Ranma making decision one day after many's
been done to death.

There's that danged, BUT again... 

I hope you introduce the main conflict or topic of this story soon, or
at least find a better way of using the overused fanfic theme. Other
suggestion is to fix the dialogue so they're less stilted. Keep up good
work!

	The initial setup comes in the next chapter.  

Until I find something new to write, Ja ne-

	Thanks for taking the time to review my work.  

	Mike