"Ken Brockwell" <rolothamasi@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:

I've been a little busy and lazy lately, so School Days-pt2 won't be out for

awhile. (YAY!- the readers of the ffml) Anyway, here's a teaser for 
something else.

Teaser: The Time Piece

You have several grammar problems throughout this piece, which I'll try to
point out.  Comments on the plot later.

The witching hour approached. Genma stood waiting at the edge of a cliff, 
the cliff. The one where heroes were said to be born. Wearing the mist 
around him for a cloak. It had been years since Ranma went off to face the 
trials that would mark him as a hero. One destined to be a savior of a dark

and decaying world.

You have three sentence fragments in this paragraph.
 

He sighed, as he did every night he did not hear Ranma's grunting as he 
finally made his way up the cliff to greet his father. Turning back to more

productive matters, Genma went off to sit on his usual spot and took out his

wife's katana. Admiring it and testing its edge, he sighed once again and 
then� and then he heard it.

Does the next paragraph switch to Ranma's viewpoint?  You may want to indicate
that somehow.
 

The cliff-face seemed determined to reject him as bits and pieces of it fell

off at his very touch. Still, it was only delaying the inevitable. He had 
been struggling for far too long to be stopped now. Compare to some of what

he'd been through, this mountain was as insignificant as an anthill.

That should be compared (keep tenses consistent) and the spell checker says
ant hill should be two words.

Since you use Genma's name at the beginning of the next paragraph, it's
obvious that that section is seen from his viewpoint.  I recommend doing
something similar in the previous paragraph.

Genma smiled as he saw his son's grin rising over the cliff's edge. He stood

looking into the eyes of his blood, his flesh� his heart. When Ranma finally

pulled himself up, he grinned even wider as he at last was able to look down

on his father. "The boy has grown tall and proud." Genma thought.

"One last step boy!" he called to his son.

last step, boy.  When someone is being addressed in dialogue, set the form of
address (his or her name, etc.) off with commas.

The grin never leaving his face, 
Ranma spread his arms, palms facing outward. Taking up the blade he had been

examining, Genma put the tip to Ranma's chest. Solemnly, Genma began, "The 
path of a hero is, has and never will be an easy one.

is, has, and never will be.  Use commas between _all_ items of a list.

Those who would walk 
it condemn themselves to damnation even as they attain salvation. Do you 
Saotome Ranma, accept the mantle of hero?"

you, Saotome Ranma, accept.  See my earlier comment about dialogue.
 

"With all my heart and all my soul, I answer thee. Yes. I Saotome Ranma has

earned, and now take the mantle of hero."

I, Saotome Ranma, have earned.  This is another place where the name should be
set off by commas.  Also, you need to make the subject and verb agree in
number.  The subject (I) is singular and the verb (has earned) is plural.

Once again, Genma smiled. It had 
been a good night for him. Twice he smiled tonight. Twice more than he had 
for the past ten years.

You also have sentence fragments in this paragraph.  You may be doing that
deliberately for dramatic impact, but don't over do it.
 

Without another word, he ran the blade through his son's chest as the boy 
gasp in pain and disbelief.

gasped.  If you're telling the story in past tense, keep all verbs in past
tense.

Moving to Ranma's face, Genma spoke softly� 
comfortingly into his son's ear, "The world needs heroes like you son." 

you, son.  Forms of address in dialogue.

before running the blade all the way through. Ranma stared at his father 
with wide eyes even as the life left him. It was the first time Genma had 
called him 'son'.

This makes it seem like Ranma is more shocked that Genma would acknowledge him
as his son than he is that Genma is killing him.  Had Ranma somehow expected
this?  Guess I'll have to wait for the full chapter.

Putting his feet against the boy's gut, Saotome Genma, 

The comma after Genma is not needed, and it interrupts the flow of the
sentence.

kicked Ranma off the family katana to lay dead on his back with a forever 
expression of shock.

I think that should be "lie dead" but am not sure.  "Forever expression of
shock" is unclear.  I know what you're trying to say, but that phasing is bad.
 "Unending expression" might work.

A single tear on either side of his face.

This is another fragment.  You can either give it a verb (A single tear
streaked down either side of his face) or make it part of the previous
sentence.  I prefer the former, as the latter would make that sentence
incredibly long and complex.

"And that is 
why you must die." he said to the corpse on the ground as he turned away 
into the mist.

die," he.  Since the dialogue is part of the sentence, use a comma rather than
a period.
 

"Damn you!" Happosai spat from his hiding place in the shadows. "Damn you to

hell!"

Fini.

Hmm, what do you think? I spent the last few minutes thinking it up and 
writing it down. It's not gonna be a darkfic though. That is if I actually 
go through with eventually writing it. If anyone out there is interested in

taking it up for me, mail me and I'll give you the full details of my plot 
thus far.

The concept is intriguing enough to make me want to read more.  Specifically,
I want to know _why_ Genma is doing this, and how Happosai will react aside
from swearing at him (does he, perhaps, have the power to literally damn Genma
to Hell?).  I honestly don't think I could write it myself, but if you want a
pre-reader for this, let me know.

Defender of the Light
Elite Mage
Junior Member of the Inner Circle of the Mage's Council

"Contrary to popular opinion, magic and science _do_ mix."

"Of _course_ I cheated.  Scientists think magic is cheating, and mages think
most forms of technology are cheating.  I use both."

____________________________________________________________________
Get your own FREE, personal Netscape WebMail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com.