On Tue, 12 Oct 1999, Jorge A. Pratt wrote:
Well, here goes. Still, just to be sure, it would help to know *what* is
your original intent, so that the necessary C&C could be provided.
The problem is that I find it very hard to put into words -- I have it in
my head, but transfering it to paper is tough. Which is why, I think, that
the story isn't working right. Basically, I'm trying to work on the
paradox of time compression, and the fact that Squall /cannot/ remember
his past, all at once -- that this time and place, where he is in all
times at once, is the only place where he can remember his past. Also, I
thought that there was something /really/ neat in the fact that if they
hadn't beaten Ultimecia, Edea would never have gotten Ultimecia's powers,
which would have meant that they in the future created their own past.
Sort of a more expanded idea of Wordsworth's comment that "the child is
father of the man", only in reverse.
The ground beneath his boots was cracked and broken, and he could
no longer recall which direction he had come from.
Extremely minor nitpick: so as to keep with the order of events, and to
enhance the sensation of loneliness, have him traversing the endless
darkness where he was sent after Ultimecia's defeat. The infinite
expanse of land in which he appears is created by his own feelings of
solitude *after* he realizes he has been cut off from the others.
Absolutely. That was thrown in at the last second, to give it a little bit
more of a hint as to /when/ it was taking place, and I picked the wrong
time phase; I'd forgotten to tape the ending, and was a little fuzzy on
chronology.
The little boy stood in the rain, looking out across the ocean; he
could feel the soft kiss of the water against his face, but he didn't care
that he was getting wet. For some reason, he liked the rain. The secret
part of himself, hidden away deep inside, thought that maybe if the sky
was crying, he wouldn't have to. And he hated to cry; crying wasn't that
bad when you had someone to hold you and take care of you, but he didn't
have anyone left. Not since Sis had gone. There were the others in the
orphanage, of course, but it wasn't the same. None of them had taken care
of him like Sis had. Matron was there, but Matron was different. Weird.
(Someone was standing there and watching him)
These sequences where we see Squall's growth are right on target, IMO.
They show effectively how his mind wanders through his different ages.
In this particular paragraph, I suggest expanding a little more on his
feelings about Ellone and Matron, and/or his relationship with them.
*nods* Will do. I was very struck by the repeating flashback to him in the
rain that was about the only thing it seemed he remembered.
/i dissolve into nothingness and re-form as a column of water
snaking through the air with a sinuous grace the air feels cool against my
body of liquid as i surmount the rock and coil atop it to release the
wrath of my anger to pour out upon the earth and wash all enemies clean
with the power of me and i am a thousand droplets of individuality with no
cohesion holding me to my self until the waters recede and i am left with
the taste of the river in my mouth and my skin damp wondering who i really
am after all/
To be honest, these descriptions threw me off a bit until I read
Diablos' ^_^;; However, and particularly Leviathan's description, you
handle them wonderfully. If you wanted to include more scenes in which
Squall sees himself grow up, though, I suggest letting a powerful GF,
like Eden, dominate his mind so much that it is the final blow to his
memories. Otherwise, it might be Quetzalcoatl or Shiva, as they are the
oldest GFs in contact with him.
Heh. A lot of people who've read this take a bit to figure out that it is
the GFs; this to me means that I need to make it more clear. I'm going to
be rearranging the GF sequences so that they go roughly in the order of
how you get them in the game, less powerful to more powerful, as Squall
loses more memory. It's my theory that the more powerful the GF, the more
it messes with someone's mind. (And brings in all sorts of thoughts as to
/how/ and /why/ Cid could willingly allow it to happen ... but that's
another fic.)
Who are you?
I ... I don't know. I don't ...
If you don't know who you are, you'll never be able to return.
Return? Return where? I'm not -- I'm supposed to be --
Just watch. You need to know how this all happened.
These inner dialogues strike me as something that belongs after his
meeting with Edea, after or during that final sequence of events in
which Rinoa's memory is being ripped away from him. Again, this is what
I understood of the message; if you were trying to imply otherwise, it
would help to know as much.
*nods* Again, you're right. I wanted something to break up the flow of the
flashbacks but it isn't working where it is.
The young man held an unfamiliar weapon in his hand as he stood in
the practice grounds, his stance textbook-perfect. He knew that he needed
to be better, to be stronger, to be able to support himself. He knew that
there was no one to take care of him; there was no one left but himself.
Matron's husband was in charge of this place, that much he knew, but he
didn't trust that, not after Matron had changed. He didn't know what had
happened, but it had proven to him once more that he couldn't rely on
anyone. He brought the blade around in a short circle, testing its weight,
his face set in a determined expression. He would be the best. And then
he'd never have to worry about being left alone ever again.
(Someone was standing there and watching him)
Hmm. Maybe a contrast with Seifer? A few lines in that paragraph where
Squall sees his rivalry with Seifer as the vehicle of his own wishes,
powered by the force of his conviction?
Again, a good idea. I imagine Squall and Seifer's rivalry started out with
its roots in theirchildhood, and as they both forgot more, it just became
something that "had always been there". Something else I want to get
across here is the seeds (no pun intended) of Squall's lone-wolf attitude
-- he keeps himself alone because no one has really been there for him for
a while, and he's convinced that everyone else will abandon him too, as
they have before. It's a powerful thing to happen to a child.
/i dissolve into nothingness and re-form as a shape of fire that
summons a sphere of roiling molten lava lifts it to the heavens and draws
back an arm the muscles ripple as i send the meteor crashing to earth to
smite my enemies and cauterize them from the face of the planet and i am a
thousand tongues of flame with no cohesion until the hot dry burning wind
subsides and i am left with the scent of burning flesh in my nostrils and
my skin warm wondering where i really am after all/
Again, nice description; particularly, it's effective to show how the
SeeD *becomes* the GF, if only temporarily, hence sacrificing his/her
own mind in order to merge with it. The "i dissolve into nothingness"
line uses a simple special-effect very well, actually.
Thanks -- the GFs were the hardest part to write. I wanted to get across
the idea that the SeeD does become the GF (why else does your party fade
and then reappear?) which is to me /why/ the loss of individuality and
hence memory. I actually think that the memory loss is to prevent the
problems that come from three people becoming one GF, but that's just me.
:)
Where are you?
I ... Am I ... dead? Is this all that's left?
If you don't know where you are, you won't be able to find your way.
My way? What do you mean, my way?
You'll have to answer that question for yourself.
Look, I'm getting tired of this place! Why can't I see anything?
You can see what you remember.
Remember? I don't -- I can't --
This is why.
Who /are/ you! Goddamn it --
The better question is, who are you.
Hmm. I still believe this is a recollection after Squall has stranded
himself in his solitary world. Just an opinion.
*nods* Which I agree with. ^_^
The young man stood in the small double room looking down at his
clothing in the drawer beneath him. A small, insignificant pain nagged
through his temples as he folded the last of his cadet uniforms and stowed
them neatly away; he moved some of his 'civilian' clothing out of the way
to make more room. He frowned as he picked up a ragged old pair of
sweatpants, many sizes too small; why had he saved them? He felt no
particular emotional attachment to them. Perhaps they had been a gift from
someone, long ago ... but from whom? He couldn't quite remember anyone who
would have given him a gift. The other children back at the ... at the ...
at the /orphanage/ had never had anything to give as gifts, and the woman
who had taken care of them -- what had they called her, Mother? Ma'am?
Well, she had dressed them in different clothing, hadn't she? ...He
couldn't remember. With a little frown between his eyebrows, he tossed the
outgrown pair of pants into the corner. He would give them to the Garden
staff, for cutting up into rags. He had his cadet uniform, and that was
nearly all he needed.
(Someone was standing there and watching him)
Ouch. This scene was extremely effective as a way to show his change
into the introverted Squall we came to know at the beginning. Just add a
sentence or two about how easily he dismisses the clothes, or how, if he
couldn't remember, it probably wasn't important.
*nods and makes note* Will do.
/i dissolve into nothingness and re-form as a thousand night-clad bats
that swirl together in the mid-sky to join into one dark-winged form that
holds the entirety of space and time in his hands marked with
incomprehensible symbols the fabric of the world distorts as i unleash the
weight of time upon my enemies and pull them like taffy into shapes that
are not their own and i am a thousand raven messengers flying apart with
no cohesion and i am left with the weight of the earth upon my back and
the feeling of years pressing in upon me wondering if this is real or if
this is the dream/
Wait! Where ... where did you go?
Why do you wish for me to remain?
You know what's going on. I ... I want some answers...
You know the answers already. You just need to remember them.
Why are you /doing/ this to me! All I want to do is get home!
Do you? Where is home?
Back at the Garden ... back with my friends, and with ...
With?
All right, damn you! With Rinoa!
Was that so hard to say?
I don't know how much it would change the essence of these dialogues,
but... How would it sound if the "other" spoke in a first-person basis?
It would strengthen the strike of consciousness at the end, and would
also mark a greater contrast between the "awakened" or enlightened part
of Squall's psyche and the part that still is hesitant and afraid. In a
way, I'm thinking something akin to Shinji's debates with himself in
Evangelion.
Hmm. Having never seen Evangelion, I can't comment. ^_^ I'll think about
that; I want there to be the definite sense of /other/ here, since this
(being time compression) is actually an older Squall talking to his
'current' self. I kept it as second-person because there is the
delineation between Young Squall and present Squall, and I want to
maintain that delineation between older and present Squall as well. I
shall viciously poke at those sections until it becomes quite clear.
The new arrival to the Garden looked at him strangely, as if
trying to figure something out. He ignored the blond boy and continued his
workout.
"Squall?" the other young man finally asked, almost hesitantly.
"Squall, is that you?"
He turned his head, a bit impatiently; how had the boy known his
name? "Squall?" the other boy continued, stepping forward. "It's Zell.
Don't you recognize me? Man, I know I've changed, but I didn't think I'd
changed that much..."
He shook his head. "I'm afraid I don't know anyone named Zell," he
said, briefly, before going back to his swordwork. not realizing that his
forgetting was complete.
The period in "swordwork. not realizing" should be a comma. Aside from
that, the depth of these scenes faltered slightly in this case; try to
emphasize on the fact that Squall didn't simply forget who Zell was, but
now he purposely doesn't care about it. Say, he turned his back before
the martial artist could get another word in edgewise, leaving him
stunned at the attitude of someone who used to be his friend. Or, since
it is Squall who sees it, it could also work as an allusion to the old
sweatpants he threw away: maybe he thinks he *did* know someone named
Zell, but even if he did, it can't be important, since he doesn't need
to make friends with a strange guy with a vaguely familiar name.
Oooh, yes. That's what was missing from there, and I couldn't put my
finger on it. /Thank/ you. Again, this is before Squall is really
completely locked away; this is one of the last nails in his coffin,
though, and you're right, I didn't get it across properly. *adds that to
the list* I was just /really/ struck by the thought that when Zell came to
Balamb, he would have remembered Squall, but Squall wouldn't have
remembered him. It also must have done /really/ bad things for Zell's
self-esteem, since he was the designated target back at the orphanage,
anyway. That's something else I need to poke.
/i dissolve into nothingness and re-form as a shard of purest
ice.../
Rinoa!
/...sweep through the sky my dragon-voice lifted in a scream.../
Irvine! Zell!
/...and i am a thousand bits of ground raining down with no
cohesion.../
Quistis! Selphie!
/...left with the crackle of the lightning on skin and the sense
of emptiness wondering just why i need to do this after all.../
RINOA!
/... the tears hot against my cheeks and the terrible sense that a
part of my mind has been taken from me leaving nothing in its place/
This last fragment works very well set against the different GFs,
especially because it takes the reader off-guard. OTOH, it also works as
a way to transfer the thought process back to Squall: the summoning of
the GF is over, robbing him of another precious memory. Also, it reminds
me of Griever --the strongest GF in Squall's eyes, it symbolizes the
ultimate power, but also the ultimate loss; it is the pride of the
hollow, alienated lion. Similarly, by relying on the GFs, Squall has
lost (or is in the process of losing) everything he still holds dear;
now that he has friends, and that he realizes he can't live alone, he
seems to fear the GFs because they might steal *those* away as well.
That's how I understood these passages, anyway.
*nods* That's part of it, and also, it's a bit more mundane; going through
each of the GFs would have been boring. :) I was trying to bring this
section to a climax before going into the next section, but if I'm moving
the internal dialog, or at least some of it, I'll also have to revamp this
part.
<snip meeting with kid Squall and Edea>
The altered dialogue worked fine and, actually, works better because it
isn't as clear-cut and shallow as the original. Just one minor
suggestion: don't have kid-Squall simply ask if present-Squall is there
to see Matron; rather, preserve that aspect of the original scene and
have the kid run out to find Ellone, only to run into the teenager.
*Then* continue the scene as planned. It flows better and is more IC
with kid-Squall.
*nods* Have to re-watch (and tape this time!) the ending, but yes, that
would work. I wanted to find some way to keep the "There can't be two
Squalls here at once" line since it fit in with the overall point, but I
couldn't work it in.
Just as he was about to answer, he felt it -- a strange stirring
of the nerves, the hair on the back of his head standing up. They both
turned, in unison, to see the figure of Ultimecia, battered and bloody,
crumpled on the ground; she pushed herself to her knees, then to her feet,
swaying and barely able to hold herself upwards. Squall swore; not again,
no more, hadn't he done enough? With a quick motion, his sword was out,
and he was standing in between Ultimecia and Edea, guarding her...
Tiny nitpick: it's not a sword, it's a gunblade ^_^
Yeah, yeah. 'Sword' just seems so much ... nastier. :)
"No," came the quiet voice from behind him, and Edea stepped
forward, her hand outstretched; she looked back at Squall, peacefully.
"She's no threat. She is a sorceress, and she is looking to die in peace;
a sorceress must pass on her powers before she may rest. I know this,
because I -- I am a sorceress as well."
Squall shook his head. "Matron, get away from her! You don't know
who --" But his voice caught in his throat, and he could not speak. /He/
knew what would happen, yes; she did not. But if Ultimecia did not pass on
her powers to Edea now, would Edea have been the threat she had been, in
his time? And if Edea had not led them to her, he and his friends would
never have known of Ultimecia, would never have had the strength to combat
her, and so Ultimecia would not have been stopped, and the world would
have ended, and more importantly, Ultimecia would not be here now to pass
her powers on to Edea -- and she /was/ here, and he had just defeated
her...
Aaagh... Back to the Future flashbacks... ^_^ Still, there would be no
paradox, as it could be argued that by compressing time, Ultimecia would
have regressed to the absolute, where everything would be one with her,
and where a measly temporal paradox simply doesn't happen.
But the time compression was incomplete, and is falling apart anyway,
since Ultimecia is dead. (Curse you kids and your medling dog!) :) I can
see your point, but maybe I've just read too much sci-fi; to my way of
thinking none of this would have happened without any of the game, which
wouldn't have happened without this scene. This needs to be expanded
considerably, as it's the point of the story; I was just utterly fed up
with the story by this point. ^_^
He lifted a hand to his head, pressing it against his temple,
which spiked with pain, and could not do anything but stand and watch as
the woman who had raised him stepped forward and took the first step
towards becoming a monster.
*
What ... was that?
It was something that had to happen.
But I -- I was there, and it happened like that, but if --
Don't think about it; it will make your head hurt.
What now? I -- I want to go home...
You will. Just keep walking, and find the way.
But I can't -- I'm lost --
You will find your way. Rinoa is waiting for you.
She is... Who /are/ you?
Don't you know, Squall?
I am you.
Good use of the formatting; why, you could add a pair of empty lines
before the "I am you" to make it stand out even more. Still... it's not
congruent with the scenes that follow, in which Squall finds himself in
the endless desert and has that vision about losing Rinoa. Let me think
how this can be fixed, and I'll get back to you --I know that this story
works because of the order of the events, but maybe a way around the
discrepancy can be worked out.
*nods* I appreciate the comments a great deal; you've pointed out a lot of
what was wrong with the story that I couldn't see because I was too close
to it and it was in my own head. I will likely be producing a second
draft after the carpal tunnel surgery I am scheduled for on Friday -- at
least the recovery time will be good for playing FF8 again. Did you know
that the PSX controller is nearly ergonomically perfect? ^_^
Best,
D
Denise Paolucci * alanna@cybernothing.org
"Friendship is one of the most tangible things in a world
which offers fewer and fewer supports." -- Kenneth Branagh
http://www.cybernothing.org/~alanna/index.html