Okay...first of all, I want to make it clear that I *am* sane. Depsite
that, I'm posting this silly thing I felt compelled to write. My
influences for this...story...if you can call it that...have been Ranma
1/2 (owned by Rumiko Takahashi and whoever has the video rights),
Blackadder-The Elizabethan Years (Rowen Atkinson, and whoever else might
claim it...), and the best epic novel about pirates, "The Pyrates", by
Georgie MacDonald Fraser (same author as the Flashman series of books).
This is a one shot deal. This is not to be taken seriously. No Giant
Spindly Killer Fish were harmed in its production. Don't hurt me, I
only did it for fun.
Trel'la
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Blackadder 1/2! A Blackadder-Ranma 1/2 Crossover
The Year: Sometime in the late 16th century. It was night...a dark and
stormy one, naturally. A galleon is struggling to ride out the storm,
and in so far as it is possible for a ship, a mere construction of wood,
iron and rope, to look lost, this is what the ship was currently doing.
Let's look inside, since there's no one out on deck. We peer inside,
looking for the great cabin in the stern, bumping into the sorts of
things you normally find in the bowels of a ship 400 years ago. We make
our way aft until...we enter a richly appointed cabin, occupied by four
individuals.
One is tall and sort of elegant in his black Elizabethan silk suit.
Another is taller yet, but not nearly as impressive as his companion,
since he wears on his face a clueless expression. That greenish color
doesn't help much, either. The third...person (I'm using the term
loosely here) can only be described as a dung ball on legs, wearing
clothes apparently designed by Mad Meg of Bedlam, and hair by Mud Pitt
Salon. As to the fourth of our cast so far...from his air (and the air
from him), he's the brave captain of our ship. Which is strange, given
the fact that sea captains of this period generally have both legs in
good working order...what am I saying? They generally have two legs,
period! Another noticeable feature of this gent is the truly prodigious
size of his beard, in which you could hide a badger. Thats it...thats
all there are...on the entire ship. Big ship, four people, no crew.
Funny thing, that. I wonder why? Lets lay to and listen...
"I thought it was traditional for ships to have crews", noted the
elegant gent in the black threads, whose name, incidentally, is Edmund
Blackadder.
"Opinion is divided on the subject. I say it isn't, everyone else says
it is", intones Captain Redbeard, who bears an uncanny resemblance to
Tom Baker.
"Oh god", groans Edmund, and not for the first time, either, while the
tall git, whose name is Lord Percy Percy, heir to the duchy of
Northumberland, cries out in despair, "We're doomed! Doomed! More
doomed than little Kenny at a serial killer convention!" Indeed, there
was nothing for our lads to do but sleep around the table at which
they're sitting, which they do. Well, all but for the little shrimp in
the dung gatherer's outfit, who goes by the unlikely name of Baldrick.
He's busy eating something out of a can (yes, I know canned foods
weren't around in the late 16th century, but thats the kind of story
this is...)
Its still night. In fact, since its rather later than before, its even
nightier night. Our ship is still struggling in madly frothing seas,
but the odd...no, the really odd thing is that the timbers are suddenly
bulging with an incredible amount of painfully bright light spilling out
from between the timbers...and then, in accordance to the laws of anime
physics, it explodes. After all, all the signs were there. Bits and
pieces of ship wreckage fly all over the place. Luckily for our
principals, there's a handy dandy beach nearby, upon which our friends
wash up, along with the other junk and debris from the ship. They, not
surprisingly, aren't doing too much moving at the moment. But, after a
few hours...
"Mr. Blackadder...wake up, Mr. B...", yes the walking dung ball can
talk, too.
"Go away, Baldrick...unless you can turn into a pill that can take away
this pounding headache...Percy...Percy, you're already a pill, do you
*have* one?
"Sorry, Edmund...but maybe one of these nice people here have one..."
That comment made Edmund wake up a bit. "What people?", he muttered
while opening one eye. The other eye stayed shut until it got a
scouting report from the first.
It was Baldrick that answered. "These people here wearing funny
bathrobes and holding sharp pointy things..."
With deceptive calmness Edmund asked, "Baldrick...these sharp pointy
things...are they by any chance pointed at us?"
"Just a minute, Mr. B, I'll check..." for a few seconds there was
silence, then, "Ow! Yep, they are, Mr. B" And they were indeed pointed
at our trio. (Wait a minute? *Trio*? But you said there were *four*
persons on that ship? Well, yes, I did...but good Captain Redbeard Rum
seems to have disappeared. Either he blew up in the ship, or he got
into the TARDIS, or just possibly the author didn't know what else to do
with him)
Meanwhile, the guys in the bathrobes with the sharp pointy things were
discoursing over their discovery. One of them said <Man oh man, are
these cats ever *wet*! Gonna look *really* sloppy if we leave them here
on the beach...>
<Ain't that the truth! And his lordship being *that* particular,
too...s'pose we'd better get them up to the castle?>
<Hey, you can do what you want, but I ain't touchin' *that* one (as he
points to Baldrick)...it looks all nasty and yug!>
<Think they're from around here?>
<Are you off your nut, bombhead? Just look at their clothes! Crazy
threads...at least, I think those are clothes, cuz if they ain't, then
*that* one's got one *weird* disease! (as he pointed to Edmund's
breeches, puffed out in proper and approved Elizabethan fashion, and
fully equipped with codpiece...) *Course* they ain't from around here!
Maybe they're from Korea or Vietnam, or some other place that'll never
amount to anything in the historical continuum...>
<Hey, man, c'mon, lets get these cats *moving* before the lord sends
that crazy killer panda down on us! Or even the Court Torturer!>
<Yeah, or that evil old man he hangs around with!>
And so our boys were hustled to their feet and frog-marched to the
castle. On the way, they had a few things to say about their current
situation.
"Baldrick, *how* many times do I have to tell you *not* to eat beans by
candlelight!"
"Sorry, Mr. B..."
"Oh god...where are we? Considering that Redbeard was sailing for
France, and he couldn't navigate his way out of an old sock, we could be
in Mexico...and you *know* what sort of illegal immigration laws those
Spanish have in place now..."
"Edmund, Edmund! I think I know where we are!"
"Oh. Really, Percy. All right, he said, desperately trying to think
of a way out of this current mess, *where* are we?"
"Well...(don't strain your brain, Percy, there's not much there to
begin with...) I think...we are in...the mysterious and wonderful land
of the Japans, the home of the rising sun, where..."
Blackadder cut him off. "Percy, that is far and away the most
ridiculous...no, wait, *the* most ridiculous thing I've heard today was
Baldrick telling me to wake up, but this is a close second. Percy, you
clothead, everyone knows the Japans are a myth, a fairytale, a story,
its what parents tell their brats at night if they want the little
monsters to grow up to become manga artists..."
Baldrick, who got lost further back, looked around for the myth, but
there wathn't any, not even a mytheth...
Edmund continued to explain. "Its perfectly obvious we're lost
somewhere in the Mediterranean...Sardinia, or Sicily,
perhaps...someplace that'll never amount to anything historically..."
"Oh, you mean Corsica!"
"Well, quite...", Edmund agreed. "We just have to talk to them clearly
and very loudly, they'll let us go, and we can build a boat and get
ourselves to some civilized country...but I suppose France will have to
do..."
Blackadder turned to address his captors. He spoke *very* clearly, and
very slowly, and very, *very* loudly...because as *everyone* knows, if
you speak English to the natives clearly, slowly, and loudly, you'll be
understood no matter *where* you are. "Excuse me! We need a boat!
Take us to your leader!" (Poor Edmund...he had no idea they really
*were* taking him to their leader)
The guys in the robes scratched their heads. <Hey, get that! They can
talk!>
<Call *that* talking? Sounded like he said "Eks-kuz mi, wi niid a
boht. Teik us tu yur lider", but what that means, you got me...>
The party (not that it really *was* a party, since our three heroes
[or, if the Truth in Fiction laws are in effect for this story, one
anti-hero, one dim-candle (remember, bulbs weren't invented yet), and
one dung-ball peasant] weren't really in the mood to celebrate) soon
came to the castle. It loomed there ominously like a giant...a
giant...like a giant looming thing, okay! Anyway, it was perched on top
of high gloomy cliffs, casting (cough) Dark Shadows all around, and a
storm thundered overhead.
Blackadder turned to the author and demanded, "Look, if you had told me
this was going to be a Dan Curtis Production, I'd have brought my
raincoat! This is *supposed* to be a Blackadder/Ranma crossover, *not*
Dark Shadows, so get on with it!"
Our trio's captors marched the boys up and into the castle, going
through numerous checkpoints and gates...finally they reached the Inner
Sanctum itself (remember, this is Old Japan, and they didn't have WD-40
for those pesky squeaky hinges), the central hall of the castle.
Edmund's been in enough royal courts to recognize the set-up, but most
royal courts didn't come equipped with giant pandas, a creature with
which Edmund, being from Elizabethan England, didn't have much
experience. He could only assume that glasses and a handkerchief head
covering were not standard issue.
The lord of the castle received his prisoners. Lets take a look at
him. He sits there on his cushion, brave in his samurai armor, sharp,
piercing hawk's eyes peering from under his helmet. Long, straight
black hair reaches past the man's shoulders, and a thick mustache lays
under his nose (well, it would look pretty silly if it lay on *top* of
his nose...) Behind him was the aforementioned giant panda, and at each
side stood a young girl, both with short hair. One of these girls had a
round face, cute but for an angry scowl. She was holding a mallet. On
the other side was another shorthaired girl, hair cut in a different,
more severe style, face thinner and sharper. She was counting through
some coins. The court treasurer, possibly, thought Edmund.
"So, foreigners have polluted our fair shores! And *foreign*
foreigners, at that! Send for the Court Torturer!", the lord of the
castle called.
The boys, of course, couldn't understand a word he said. They didn't
much care for the tone of voice he was using, however. Edmund
especially, having already experienced the dungeons of Ludwig the Mad,
the self-proclaimed Master of Costumes (and great great, etc grandfather
to Tsubasa Kurenai) had a suspicion that something Horrible was about to
happen.
The Court Torturer came forth. She (yes, she *was* a she) looked
rather like the two ladies flanking the lord of the castle. Her hair
was longer, though, and her face softer, more gentle. "Yes, father,
what is it?"
"Ah, Kasumi. We need some torturing done on these men here."
"Oh dear. Father, I sent all the torture equipment out to be cleaned
and repaired. Akane broke them playing with Ranma last night."
"Hey, shouldn't be a problem", spoke an exquisitely cute girl in red
hair, "just feed them some of Akane's cooking."
The utter savagery of this particular royal court was indicated rather
clearly to Edmund by the fact that the angry-looking short-haired girl
tried to smash the redhead with that mallet she was holding. Edmund
looked very concerned. Not for the mallet victim, of course, but after
all, if they do that sort of thing to each other, what'll they do to
him? Maybe if I give them Percy and Baldrick...no, I want them to be
nice to me, so giving them Baldrick is out, went his line of thought.
"Besides, father, even if I did have my torture equipment, how would
they understand our questions?", observed the sweet, lovely, pure and
innocent Court Torturer. "I don't think they speak our language..."
"Hmmm, good point", noted the lord of the castle. "Better send for the
Court Translator. No, that won't work...better send someone to *get*
the Court Translator..."
A court flunky went to fetch forth the aforementioned translator. And
returned with the Court Translator in tow, who was expressing wonderment
as to his current location.
If Edmund *could* have understand what the redhead said to the
translator, it wouldn't have made any sense, since it was along the
lines of, "Hey, P-chan, you made it! And didn't get lost? Maybe you
want to pig out on some of Akane's cooking?"
Nor would he have understand the translator's retort of "How you
calling P-chan, Ranma?!"
What he *did* understand was the fact that, oddly enough, the (for him)
new arrival had these little, but quite pointy, fangs. Edmund thought
to himself its a good thing this isn't a Dan Curtis production, or all
our necks might be in trouble. He also noted this new person was quite
young (in fact, so were most of the other people he'd seen...not that
he'd seen that many...)
Edmund turned to share his observations with Percy, in his accustomed
manner. "This doesn't look good, Perc. Someone's for the chop. You or
I, in fact, and lets face, Percy, its *you*!"
The translator turned and spoke to the master of the castle, who
replied. The young boy in the yellow shirt and black pants, with the
tiger-striped headband that Edmund assumed was the badge of his office,
then faced our lads.
"The lord of the castle, the mighty Soun (Look, do I *really* have to
talk like this? This is more Kuno's style!)Tendo desires to know your
origins, your destinations, the species of your pet, and your intentions
toward his daughters! Speak now, if you value your
lifeohmanIcan'tbelieveI'mtalkinglikethis..."
Edmund *can* be smooth, especially if his life depended on it. As he
spoke, the translator...translated. Thats what translators do, after
all. "I come from an island far away called England (trans-"He comes
from this little bit of dirt no one's ever heard of..."). We were
trying to get to France when we were blown off course by a storm ("they
were going to some other godawful place no one's ever heard of and they
got lost..."). We'd like to borrow a boat, if we may, to continue or
journey and trouble you no further. (trans-"They want to bum a boat off
us so they can go and get lost again...")
"Well", spoke the mighty and ever so majestic Lord Soun Tendo, but his
words didn't get translated because he wasn't speaking to his guests,
"that's all good and well, but that doesn't tell me his intentions
toward my daughters. After all, just about every visitor from out of
nowhere ends up making off with at least one of my children, and I'd
really like to know what to expect this time..."
So the translator inquired of Edmund his plans toward the daughters of
Soun Tendo, as was assured they were entirely honorable. What Edmund
meant, of course, was that he had enough trouble being ship-wrecked on
these godforsaken shores without loading up on the local talent. Edmund
had the misfortune of actually muttering his thoughts, which the
translator rendered into language the lord could understand. Actually,
he just *might* have got a word or two wrong here and there. ("He says
he really wants to *beep* all four of your *beep*-ing daughters,
especially that one with the long hair and the large tracts of land...")
Blackadder had many frights in his life, and the shock he got when the
lord of the castle turned into a giant-headed demon (hey, demons look
like demons, England or Japan...) ranked high. The castle's soldiers
hustled our boys out as the lord shouted "Take them out, take them
hence, take them *anywhere* so long as they be gone!" The translator
very kindly gave them a map as they were escorted out.
"Hey, Ryoga, how'd you *get* to be the translator, anyway?", asked the
red-headed girl.
"You pick up all sorts of languages when you wander around as much as I
do. But you know, I've been thinking...if I want to support Akane in a
proper manner, since *I'm* going to be the one to marry her (he thought
to himself)...I might just get a new job..."
"Oh yeah? And what could *you* possibly do?", asked the skeptical red.
"Well, I was thinking of updating the maps", Ryoga responded, at which
everyone fell down.
Epilogue. And now, we find ourselves in China, following our heroes.
Edmund has a thing or two to say about his *new* current situation, as
thus: "Thats the *last* time I accept a map from a court translator!
One thing's for sure, this isn't France..."
Baldrick nodded his agreement. "Food's better..."
"Well, exactly", Edmund went out. "And look at this...all these pools
here with sticks in them...and this chubby guy in the dark green threads
no one can understand...Well, at least we can get a quick bath in.
You'd better stay out, Baldrick, they might have laws about water
pollution here."
And with those words, the boys stripped down and enters the pools.
Baldrick, of course, didn't...but he tripped and fell, and so ended up
in a pool anyway. The fat little guy that had been with them went into
a panic and said a *lot* of words in a very quick rush. No one could
understand a blind bit of it. Certainly not Percy, who came out of the
pool not at all looking himself. He was small now, but still long of
body, and covered with fur. Weasels usually are. Baldrick emerged,
dripping but quite unchanged. ("Oh no, sir fall into spring of drowned
dung-ball!") As for Edmund...well, you can't really call him Edmund
right now. You can't even call him a he. Lets consult our instant
pocket translator (no, its *not* Ryoga) to learn what happened to
Edmund.
"Oh no! you fall into spring of Drowned Queen Elizabeth! There very
tragic story, *very* terrible, of Queen Elizabeth what fall into spring
200 year ago!" (keeping in mind, of course, that this tale, such as it
is, takes place some 400 years before our current era), and indeed,
Edmund now bears a striking resemblance to she who graces the throne of
Albion. Which ended up causing *quite* a stir at the English royal
court, as we are about to see.
"I say, Edmund, thats a jolly odd tale", commented Queenie Lizzie.
Edmund and the boys had *finally* made it back to that fair isle set in
the emerald seas...and then they got back to England. The whole court
was there...Queen Elizabeth, Lord Melchit, Nursie, Percy, Baldrick
(looking, and indeed smelling, like Baldrick)...and Edmund Blackadder.
"Strange, my Lady, but true. As I can demonstrate." And with that, he
took a glass of cold water and upturned it over his head. There,
standing before Queen Elizabeth, *was* Queen Elizabeth...a decidedly wet
one, and wearing black tights, but still Queen Elizabeth.
The *original* Queen Elizabeth watched the change happen with
astonishment. Edmund...or rather, Eddie (I suppose), started to
explain, "Its a funny thing...cold water triggers it, and you wouldn't
*believe* how *much* cold wa...", but that was as far as he got.
Because the *real* Queen Elizabeth leapt of her throne, and dragged
Eddie into her bedchambers. "When did she have those mirrors put on the
ceiling", Eddie's train of thought began, which was instantly derailed
when the Queen of England, France and Scotland murmured in his/her ear,
"Oh, Edmund...I've always wanted to know *just* how I look when I...(oh
no! Quick, cut away and cue the Ending Theme before this becomes a
lemon!)
And thats the lot.