----- Original Message -----
From: Rebeka Thomas <ranko_1_2@hotmail.com>
To: FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Saturday, October 23, 1999 12:03 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Odyssey][AMG]Ranma's Odyssey (anyone have a better
title?) [Prologue][ALPHA]
"Greek"
"<Japanese>"
"[Other]"
The camera pans in on a rather tall man appearing about 20-something. He
sits down at a computer where something is beeping rather frantically.
*Predestiny fulfillment warning*
*Intervention required: T minus 00:10:07* [counting]
*For nature of intervention necessary, click here*
He begins speaking to himself with a heavy australian accent "[Lessee what
we got 'ere...]" At this, he clicks the button on the screen.
----- CASEFILE -----
Circa 1000 B.C.E., one Ranma Saotome appeared suddenly on the present-day
island of Sicily. At this time, one Odysseus Laertiades was in the act of
drilling a large sharp stick in the eye of Polyphemous the Cyclops, son of
Poseidon. He was locked in girl form at the time by the Chiisuton. Ranma
will be hit by Chiisuton water by the Musk at T minus 00:05:00, he is to be
transferred through time without his direct knowledge five minutes after
this.
--------------------
: ----- CASEFILE -----
: Circa 1000 B.C.E., one Ranma Saotome appears suddenly on the island of
: what will eventually be Sicily. At this time, one Odysseus Laertiades is
: in the process of drilling a large sharp stick into the eye of Polyphemous
: the Cyclops, son of the Greek god Poseidon. Exactly five minutes before
: his unplanned temporal transition, Ranma is hit by Chiisuiton water thrown
: by the tribe of Musk, locking him in his cursed form.
: --------------------
Does this sound better? I know, I tore it to shreds. I'm deeply sorry if I
offended you.
T-00:05:07
"<Hey, Mate? Anything I can do to change this?>"
Um, are you sure 'Hey, mate' translates well into Japanese? Might want to
put that into english. Also, (cap) 'mate'
"<Sorry, sir. It's already happened, and it is a major part of the
timeline.>"
Suggest: 'and it's a major' since you've used the contraction once...
"*sigh* [(under breath) i hate doing this.] <Okay...>"
(cap) '*Sigh*'
(cap) 'I'
I suggest adding:
: T-00:05:00
: *Splash*
Or is that too redundant to the events taking place?
T-00:04:37
"<DAMMIT! You got me wet, and changed me into a girl!!!>"
Redundant. I say remove this dialogue.
(chinese)"[OOh, titties!]"
This is funny. Done-to-death, but funny. Keep this, it describes what
happens pretty well.
Ranma then punts Lime into LEO. Then, she goes home to turn back into a
male, only to find that:
Gee, it took her two minutes to get home? I know she's a martial-artist,
but wow!
T-00:02:03
She didn't change. "<AAAAAHH!!! I'M STUCK AS A GIRL AGAIN!!!!>"
Just a suggestion, but how about she doesn't find out she's stuck until AFTER
she makes her little 'trip'. That could provide some humorous dialogue later
on.
: "I'm a guy, dammit! Here, I'll show you." *Splash* "See? Arghh!!! It's not
: WORKING!" *Splash* "Again!" *Splash* "AGAIN!"
*chuckle*
[write transitional scenes, filler, anything for the next two minutes.]
Actually, you don't really need to. Assume that events go about approximately
like they do in the manga. Just skip ahead to the travel. Make a brief note
to this effect. How about it takes more than five minutes to get home. That
way we can dispense with any of this extra stuff.
T-00:00:05
Our favorite self-insertionist pressed the command to send Ranma back in
time. "[There, it's done.]"
-We'll get back to Ranma's timeline in a little bit, but here's a little
something else.-
"<Hey, ATHENA, POSEIDON! I've got something to tell you!>"
P."What?!" A."What is it?"
"Remember that Ranma kid you guys had to deal with back when Odysseus was
wandering around?"
P."Yes..." A."Sure, what about him?"
"Well, I just sent him back in time."
-silence-
"YOU WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
[hey, along with permission to _actually_ use the character, i could use
some SERIOUS help writing this scene]
^_______^
Fade in on a blind man preparing to write an epic tale.
"Sing to me, Muse, the tale of a man who was never at a loss.. Who could
turn any bad situation upside down...."
Sings: "...Turn that frown upside down..."
Calliope sighs in exasperation. "There's been a problem. Someone else has
entered the story, someone sent back in time from thrice again in the future
the length of time that it was in the past. Very well... I will tell you the
story; of the man who was never at a loss, and the woman who was actually a
man."
^_______^
[Preview]
Ranma finally got her bearings back, and was straining to listen to a voice
from inside the cave, which several one-eyed monsters were listening to
outside of the cave.
Um.. this needs to be more clear.
How about:
: Ranma had gotten her bearings back, and was now hiding behind a rock,
: straining to hear a voice that was shouting from within a cave nearby.
: Several strange one-eyed monsters were also huddled around the cave
: mouth, and she shifted over to another rock in an effort to remain out
: of view.
Note that instead of describing what the other cyclops' were doing, I
described them visually, which is better considering you're doing this from
Ranma's point of view. Also, Ranma hasn't seen or heard any of this stuff
before, so she can't identify or relate to the cave from a previous
perspective. 'The cave' in this instance is wrong. 'A cave' is good, and
you can use 'the cave' later, once you've referred to it once.
Again, sorry for butchering your story. I couldn't resist adding some
description and action. :)
The voice inside the cave said "Tous dh'haut' ex adrou prosephekrateros
Polyphemous o philoi, Outis me kteinei dholoh heie bhiephin!!!"
I REALLY hope you're not planning to write the whole story in ancient greek!
:)
If you need any more help, just call.
Just thought of a title. How about 'Ranmaiiad'?
Thomas Hood
thood3@hotmail.com