[AMS] [UY] "Urusei Megamisama!" (14/36)
"Urusei Megamisama!", Chapter Fourteen: "Oni in the classroom"
By Henry J. Cobb
$Id: urusei_megamisama14.txt,v 1.2 1999/11/04 03:13:25 hcobb Exp $
The Ah! Megamisama! characters and situations are the creation of Kosuke
Fujishima.
The Urusei Yatsura characters and situations are the creation of Rumiko
Takahashi.
No infringement of their copyrights is intended.
Previous chapters are available at:
http://www.io.com/~hcobb/anime/fanfic/chaos.html
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"We're home," Seventeen year old Japanese high school student Ataru
Moroboshi opened the front door of his house and stood aside.
His classmate and roommate Skuld, goddess of the future, didn't look up as
she entered, but her angel Noble Scarlet smiled at Ataru as she flew by.
"How'd you do on that history test?" Ataru followed them up the stairs to
his room.
"I did OK. I did great."
"Are you sure?" Ataru smirked.
"Why are you so good at history and rotten at everything else?"
"History is old news, news is mostly about scandal and scandal is mostly
about..."
"Why am I not surprised?" Skuld opened the door while looking back at
Ataru then spun around to follow his gaze.
"For a chaste goddess, you sure have a persistent suitor, t'cha," Lum,
princess of the Oni was sitting on the ceiling of Ataru's room in her
standard tiger-striped bikini and boots with her long green hair hanging
down towards the floor. She made a swirling motion with her hairbrush as
she pointed it towards Skuld.
"Don't sneak up on me like that!"
"It's not my fault that your telepathy doesn't work on Oni. I've been
waiting hours for you two, were you having fun t'cha?"
"We were in class," Skuld waved her hand across her, Scarlet's and Ataru's
school uniforms, "What happened with Kurama?"
"I managed to lose her this morning. I came back here to ask mother where
you two were, but she wasn't here, t'cha."
"Probably out shopping," Ataru said.
"I'm home," Ataru's mother's voice came from downstairs, just before the
phone rang. There was a shuffle of grocery bags then she called up,
"Skuld, call for you."
"There must be a sensor on that front door that triggers a call from some
weirdo every time I come home," Skuld went down to answer the call.
"Hello."
"Hello, Skuld? Can you come over to the temple now?" Belldandy sounded
just a little bit worried. It must be very serious.
"Sure Oneesama, I'll be right over," Skuld dashed back up the stairs,
"Something's come up, I need to go for a while, be back latter tonight."
"Darling can take me to a movie. What's scary and romantic, t'cha?"
"On second thought, both of you are coming along. Lum is the UFO parked
nearby?"
"Why do I have to give you a lift, t'cha?"
"I can only teleport with one other person. Would you rather be left
here?"
"I can never trust you alone with Darling, t'cha," Lum snapped her
fingers and the UFO came down from the clouds to hover in front of Ataru's
balcony.
Skuld strapped herself into the pilot's seat and placed her hands on the
familiar controls.
"Why are you driving my wheel, t'cha?" Lum lifted Ataru into the UFO.
"I know the way there," Skuld mentally converted human scales into Oni
measurements then pushed the UFO through the air at mach-5, "Uh, I
overshot, just a moment."
"What's the hurry, t'cha?"
"We'll know soon," Skuld landed Lum's UFO in the courtyard of the temple.
"Why Lum-chan, how you've grown. You should be careful with supersonic
flight on inhabited planets you know," Belldandy turned inside from the
front door.
Lum bared her fangs at Skuld behind Belldandy's back.
"Oneesama, you said you needed to see me?"
"You have some visitors Skuld and I didn't know if I should send them to
your other place," Belldandy nodded towards the living room where Princess
Kurama was seated with a group of Tengu, "Please be seated, I'll bring
tea."
"Why did you bring the Oni devil here?" Princess Kurama asked.
"This isn't your house, why did you come here?" And how did you find the
temple so fast? Skuld sat next to Kurama, Ataru sat next to her and Lum
sat next to him.
"I wanted to meet your family."
"Don't bother," Skuld scanned the temple with her telepathy. Keiichi and
his infant daughter were off in his and Belldandy's room. Thank goodness
he's keeping my niece out of this mess. I'm sorry this ever got to you
Oneesama.
That's OK Skuld. I don't mind. Belldandy entered with the tea kettle,
"Kurama you said you had something important to discuss?"
Skuld blushed and turned away. Sorry Oneesama, I'll watch the broadcasting.
The front door slid open, Urd was leaning against the door frame as she
took a swig from the large but mostly empty bottle in her free hand then
sang out, "I'm a genie with a bottle, better do what I say," her eyes came
one then the other to focus on the group in the living room, "say, who's
the weird chick with the wings on her head?"
"I'm Kurama, Prince Skuld's fiancee," Kurama grabbed Skuld's arm as the
young goddess's eyes bugged out.
"PRINCE Skuld? That explains why Dad's grooming you for the job," Urd
took a swig from her bottle, "Damn male dominated cosmos. S'funny thou, I
used to wash you when you were a little kid and I never felt that part, it
must be real small."
"Sister, you must be tired," Belldandy got up and gently pried the bottle
away from Urd's grasp.
Urd let herself be led away a few steps by Belldandy then turned back and
pointed at Skuld, "Yo Brother, your little crossdressing angel's got
something of mine. I want it back."
"Koku?" Noble Scarlet raised a wing to steady herself on Skuld's shoulder.
Skuld waited until Belldandy slid the room to Urd's door shut then stood
and pointed at Kurama, "Get out! I don't want to see you again. I don't
want to hear from or of you ever again. Just get out of my life and stay
out!"
"Come'on you two, we're out of here," Skuld grabbed Ataru and Lum by the
arms.
"Aren't you going to introduce us to everybody?" Ataru let himself be
dragged along.
"Later." Skuld didn't look back.
"Those are Skuld's sisters. They used to visit us on Uru, t'cha."
"Yeah, I remember Urd--"
Skuld glared at the two of them and the rest of the trip back to the
Moroboshi residence went quietly, if a bit slower than the trip out.
Eyecatch: Lum strips out of a Catherine the great outfit to the tune of
"Dancing Tzar", winding up in her usual bikini and boots attire.
The next morning Lum stuck to Ataru during the walk to school.
"Koku!"
"What's her problem?, I'm keeping to my arm of Darling's, t'cha."
"You weigh more than she does."
"Not at the moment, I'm levitating, t'cha."
"You still mass more than she does. It throws off his balance, disturbing
her perch on his other shoulder."
Chibi was leaning against the schoolgate, "Hey guys, Lum's back!" He
disappeared inside the schoolyard.
"What's up, t'cha?"
"You are not going to believe this."
"What?" Ataru looked at Skuld then followed her gaze.
Megane, Perm, Chibi and Kakugari where holding up a poster that read
"We love you Lum!"
"Hi!" Lum waved with her free hand.
Noble Scarlet took to the air when they entered the classroom and flew
over to her desk, but Lum remained attached to Ataru and settled in his
lap when he sat.
"Lum, look this way."
Lum leaned back against Ataru to pose as Megane took her picture.
"Lum, um, what's your sign?"
"I don't maintain a net charge Chibi. I use alternating current, t'cha."
"He means your astrological sign," Shinobu held up her pocket astrology book.
"What?" Lum flipped through the book then tucked in away through her
cleavage into Hyperspace for later reference.
"Uh..." Shinobu stared then quickly turned away.
Shutaro tucked his parachute pack into his desk then stormed over to
Ataru's desk, "Moroboshi! What is the meaning of this?"
"What are you complaining about, I'm not touching anything," Ataru
interlaced his fingers behind his head and grinned.
"The student handbook explicitly forbids visitors during class hours.
Either fulfill your duties as class president or resign."
"OK, OK. Lum just go wait at home."
"What, and leave you in the clutches of this awful goddess all day, t'cha?"
"The goddess Skuld is a proper student."
"Koku," Noble Scarlet held up her own tiny ID card.
"Darling, I never realized you were in a school with such low standards.
But, if that's the way it is, t'cha," Lum kissed Ataru on the cheek, waved
from the window then flew off.
"That's unusual."
"What, Skuld?"
Skuld turned to Shinobu, "I've never known Lum to give in so easily. It's
always her way or no way at all."
"Places," Onsen Mark dropped his books on the teacher's desk then turned to
the blackboard.
Ataru woofed down his lunch while ignoring first period and so was caught
empty handed as usual during the official lunch hour.
"Hey Skuld, let's teleport over to Italy for lunch."
Skuld looked at her watch and thought a bit, "It's not even breakfast time
in Italy yet. Besides, the student handbook states that we have a closed
campus."
"Come'on I'm starving and only a fascist teacher's pet would follow that
rule. No offense Shu-chan."
"Moroboshi! Do not call me Shu-chan!"
"Here," Skuld handed Ataru a cardboard box.
"What's this?"
"Meal, Ready to Eat?" Shinobu translated the English words on the box.
"If you're really starving you'll eat it."
Shinobu turned back to Skuld, "Uh, what are you doing with all of these
items from the US military?"
"Oh, uh, I picked them up surplus."
That afternoon, nobody was waiting at the Moroboshi residence.
"Say, where's Lum?" Ataru looked around his room.
Skuld popped out her pocket computer, "Her UFO is cloaked above, so she's
probably there."
Lum appeared at dinner time, with some covered containers.
"What's up?" Skuld asked.
"Oh, I've been working on a program, and I'd thought I'd help with supper,
t'cha."
Ataru looked over the containers, took a small piece of one of Lum's
creations, swallowed then turned blue in the face, "Water! Water!"
"Don't make fun of Lum's cooking," Skuld helped herself to generous
servings, "You're as good a cook as your mother."
"You think so, t'cha?" Lum looked over to Ataru who was grasping his
throat with both hands, "Darling!"
The next morning Skuld was awakened by the beeping of her pocket computer
in hyperspace. She lifted Lum's arm off of her and started to slide away,
but Lum's eye opened.
"It's morning t'cha?"
"Yes," Skuld whispered back, "You've been sleeping more peacefully lately."
"It's because I've been next to Darling, t'cha," Lum tried to reach past
the goddess.
"Hey, no touching him in bed!" Skuld blocked Lum's arm, but Lum countered
by throwing Skuld over herself with her legs.
Skuld grabbed at Lum and pulled her along with her, but wound up underneath
and tangled in Lum's tigerskin blanket.
"Yield, t'cha?" Lum pushed down with her own weight doubled by her
levitation power.
"Do I have a choice?"
"Huh, what's that racket?" Ataru sat up, "Hey, don't mind me, I'll just
watch."
"Darling, don't make jokes like that!" Lum hovered up while pulling
Skuld to her feet, "Just for that you can wait while we use the shower,
t'cha"
"As usual," Ataru crossed his arms.
"Koku?" Noble Scarlet stretched out her wings then flew after Skuld and
Lum.
After breakfast, Lum rose and waved from the stairway.
"Aren't you going to see us off to school?"
"No Darling, I've got some things to get ready. See you later, t'cha."
Later, while waiting for a stoplight, Skuld looked up at Ataru.
"What is it?" He asked.
"Do you really like her that much?"
"Naw, I just like to rub Megane's nose in it. Why didn't she zap you this
morning?"
"What?"
"During your little fight."
"Oh, that wasn't a real fight. Anyway she's got the advantage in unarmed
combat, but I'm the better shot."
The gang of four was waiting at the gate and looked around.
"Lum's busy washing my socks," Ataru pointed back towards his house.
Skuld could almost see the steam pouring out of Megane's ears.
"Places," Onsen Mark held open the door for Lum as she entered the
classroom. She wore a schooldress and carried a bookcase.
"We have a new student today, please introduce yourself."
"Hi, I'm Lum Invader from the planet Uru," Lum drew the Oni characters for
her name on the blackboard and then the Japanese phonetic equivalents.
"That's her name, right?" Megane whispered to Skuld then carefully drew in
his notebook after she nodded.
Shutaro pointedly looked away from Lum as she took the seat next to him.
At lunch time Lum pulled Shinobu's astrology book out of her bookbag,
"Thanks, I ran everybody's stats through my UFO's love computer and found
out the best love matches in the class, t'cha."
"How do you know the birthdays of everybody?" Shinobu took the book.
"The Principal let me read everybody's files because I'm a new student,"
Lum continued in a suddenly quiet classroom, "Skuld's file was missing, so
I wrote it in. Don't worry Skuld, I didn't put in anything about the
serial killing spree. I just wrote that you'd been expelled for
disciplinary problems, t'cha."
Skuld hid behind her history textbook.
"So anyway, the third best match is Perm and Kumiko, t'cha," Lum read from
a printout.
"What?" Perm and Kumiko looked at each other in shock.
"The second best match is Shutaro and Skuld, t'cha."
Ataru moved in a blur and slammed his palms down on Shutaro's desk, "You
don't have to look so pleased about it!"
"Obviously only a man of great character is a suitable match for a
goddess."
"And the very best match is me and Darling, t'cha!" Lum wrapped her arms
around Ataru.
"The Oni-devil is a perfect match for your character Moroboshi."
"That's demon, not devil," Skuld put her textbook down and snatched the
printout from Lum's hands, "Did you make a fencepost error again? And how
did you get such different results for us, when our ages differ only by
minutes?"
"It's what constellation Sol is at at birth. From Uru, Sol is the eye of
the tiger-striped unicorn. But from Yggdrasil, it's the tip of the good
fairy's wand. Besides, Darling and Shutaro are very much alike. They're
both Aires, t'cha."
"That's true," Skuld paged through the printout.
"Don't slander Shutaro by comparing him to Ataru," Shinobu put the
astrology book into her bookpack as Onsen-Mark reentered the classroom with
a stack of papers.
"Superstitious rubbish," Skuld tossed the printout into her case.
Onsen-Mark handed a graded history test to each of the students, except Lum
who hadn't taken the test, and Skuld.
"Uh, where's mine?"
"Skuld, report to counsellor Sakura's office. For the rest of you, we'll go
over the common mistakes you made on this test."
Skuld knocked on the door to the infirmary.
"Come in," Sakura didn't look up from the test she was reading.
Skuld sat down next to Sakura and waited.
"Skuld, are you serious about your classwork?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"Explain this then," Sakura handed over Skuld's test with the number 45 in
red ink at the top.
"What?" Skuld read through the test at answer after answer she had been so
sure about.
"You answer almost every question with a jumble of unrelated events that
have nothing to do with each other. You're doing very well on most other
subjects, so what is your problem with history?"
Skuld slumped down, "Human history just doesn't seem to be all that
relevant."
"Noble Scarlet scores much better than you at history, have you considered
studying with her?"
"But she is me!"
"What you lack is discipline, are you willing to train?"
"Yes Sensei."
"Very well, be at my temple at 5 am Saturday morning and we shall begin
your miko[1] training. In the meantime read and think about what you're
reading. As a makeup for this test write up a ten page report on Dutch
trade with Japan before the 19th century and bring it with you on Saturday
morning."
"Yes Sensei," Skuld bowed and left the infirmary.
That afternoon, Skuld thought over what Sakura had said during the walk
home.
"Did you hear what I said, t'cha?" Lum let go of Ataru's arm to float back
to Skuld.
"Huh? Wait, there's a wormhole!"
"What?" Ataru turned back, then fell into the vortex that opened below his
feet.
"Koku!" Noble scarlet grabbed onto Ataru as they fell.
"Darling!" Lum flew down into the vortex.
"Lum!" Skuld rushed forwards and dived in. She could see Lum ahead
tumbling franticly and Ataru a bit farther on.
Using her hyperspace powers, Skuld pushed herself forwards and grabbed Lum,
"Don't use your antigravity, we're in a wormhole."
"Who did this, t'cha?" Lum held onto Skuld.
"Who do you know who can open a wormhole across a planetary system and
lives in this one?"
"Then?" Lum pointed towards Ataru.
"Sssh!" Skuld held a finger against her lips.
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[1] A Miko is a Japanese Shinto priestess. Notable examples of miko in
anime include Rei Hino (Salior Mars) and Sensei Sakura herself.
Henry J. Cobb hcobb@slip.net http://www.io.com/~hcobb
Next: "Regent of Winter"