The Tale of Hansel and Gretel [told to the tune of Capcom's finest]
A F*cked-up Fairy Tale written by Darkheart One
<enter needless banter mode>
Ah, greetings, fellow writer-type persons. I am the one know as Darkheart One. You all learn to
me and my MAD WRITING SKILLZ! Yeah! I own j00 all! CHAINSAAAAAAAW.... *AHEM*
Alright, now then... this is my first post to the illustrious... hey, back there! Stop snickering!
Anyway, this is my first FFML post, and the usual C&C, flames (intelligent ones, please), death
threats, marriage proposals, and other forms of ego-inflating are highly appreciated. Dammit, I
said stop snickering back there! Blasted brother...
<exit needless banter mode>
And now.... our f*cked-up tale begins...
Once upon a time, there was a house near a forest. A very nice, large house that belonged to a
powerful and very influential man with great goals in life. Still, this man enjoyed the simple
things in life....
Like baking, for example.
Bison slapped the dough onto the table, then began to knead it carefully, remembering the exact
technique his dear departed mother, Lord A. Bison taught him. Even with the present problems
around him (annoying girls with loud bitch laughs and really powerful attack satellites, guys in
torn dogis and various gung-ho military types), he always found joy in preparing his family's
special dessert: Psycho Pie.
"I need more shortening, Sagat." Bison wiped his hands on his apron, then waited for the
muay-thai fighter, also in an apron, to hand him the desired amount of lard. With a chuckle he
accepted it, then folded juuust the right amount into the dough, and continued to knead away.
"Vega, a pinch of salt." Vega approached, wearing a bio-hazard suit, so as to not get anything
messy on his newly-washed skin. Bison took the salt, then looked Vega up and down, then shrugged
and kept going. "Pansy."
"Balrog, cinnamon." Somehow, Balrog managed to grab the small jar of cinnamon between his gloves
and hand it to Bison, who only sighed. "Just how hard is it to take those damned gloves off,
Balrog?!"
After he didn't get an answer, he shrugged again and continued, grabbing a stack of pie tins and
carefully laying out the dough in each of them, then painstakingly cutting out the small strips
that would cover the tops of each one. After a loud sound of approval, Bison held his right hand
back. "Berries."
After a few seconds passed, he made the motion with his hand again. "Berries!"
Silence greeted him, so he turned around. His jaw dropped instantly.
Birdie looked up at Bison, his hands, mouth, and a good part of his apron stained red with berry
juice. After a few seconds, then rusty gears in his brain began to crank, and he realized what he
had just done. "MMboss, oinutterIeatdaberries ooogie...." Bison, after turning his Cap of Utter
Shadowloo Command(tm) around, cracked Birdie in the teeth a few times, then wiped the blood and
berry juice on his apron. Behind him, then others snickered and pointed at Birdie, who was busy
trying to pick his teeth up and mutter unintelligibly at the same time.
"Well now, look what's you've done, you brit twit! Those berries are rather hard to find!" He
spun his cap back around and sighed. "No matter. I will send my Twin Dolls out to fetch more." As
soon as he spoke their name, the two ladies in particular, Juli and Juni appeared in front of
Bison, clad in only skimpy bikinis and carrying large cans of coconut oil. "Ah, you two are ever
ready to please me, aren't you?" Bison snickered a bit, admiring his creations hungrily.
"Lord Bison, shall we commence the oil wrestling training procedure that you requested of us?"
Juli kept a perfectly straight face, as did Juni, even as the lackeys behind Bison began to nod
their heads furiously.
"Actually, my dear Dolls, I have another, more pressing matter." He folded his arms, looking over
to Birdie. "That fool over there ate all the berries I need for my Psycho Pie, and I must send
you both out to procure more for my family's legendary dessert." The two Dolls nodded in unison.
"And, before you go... kick him in the nuts for me." He thumbed over to the hulking Brit, still
on his hands and knees searching. The two girls looked at each other, then swiftly jammed a heel
each into his crotch. Birdie let out a loud yelp, then banged his head on the table he was under,
finally falling to the ground and grabbing his rather cracked family jewels.
"Good girls... now begin your new mission. Once you succeed, return, and we will finish what..."
Bison rubbed his hands together, "I planned for you." The duo nodded, then hurried out.
Bison, after letting out a trademark Laugh of Insane Cooking Evil(tm), looked down at Birdie.
"So, Birdie, what did you learn from this, eh?"
"AckmenutscrushedIneeddoctorowieowieowiooooooggg..." was all Birdie could mumble before passing
out from the pain. Bison hmphed and looked over to Balrog. "Balrog, you're his buddy. What the
hell did he just say?" Balrog could only shrug.
...Meanwhile...
"The outside temperature is moderate. Humidity low. A 'fine' day to serve Lord Bison." Juli made
her way down the forest path, clad in her full combat uniform, Juni close behind. Both held large
baskets that were filled with a small amount of red berries.
"Agreed. To serve Lord Bison is my only wish and hope." Juni piped/droned in. She spotted a small
patch of berries and went to work, her hands moving at an incredible speed, picking the bush
clean in a matter of moments.
"You are becoming a suck-up, Juni. We serve Lord Bison equally." Juli reached up to a berry patch
and picked away.
"Incorrect, Juli. Recall date 6.17. Lord Bison asked for my services over yours." Juni looked at
her counterpart blandly.
"Due to the fact that I had serviced Lord Bison from dates 6.13 to 6.16, Juni. Do not construe
your data." She looked back, also rather blandly.
"Our Prime Directives do not label 'Toe-nail clipping' as a Major Service." Juni fired back as
best as her emotionless voice could.
"Your comment insults me. Bitch. We must settle this matter instantly. " Juli dropped her basket
and approached Juni, eyes cold.
Juni dropped her own basket. "Compliance." She then pushed Juli back. "Slut."
Juli pushed at Juni. "Tramp."
Juni pushed at Juli. "Whore."
"Trollop."
"....Skank-ass bizatch..." Juni seemed a bit unsure about the wording.
"Memory does not register 'Skank-ass bizatch' as a Legal Expletive. Who added that to your data
banks?" Juli waited.
"Designate: Balrog. After I assaulted his Prime Weak Area."
"Understood. I will now continue our altercation." She then slapped Juni. "Cunt."
Juni reeled, then snapped back like it didn't even hurt. "Asshole." She then slapped Juli back.
The 'fight' went on for quite some time until a shadow approached the two girls, then proceeded
to slap them both. "Designates: Juli and Juni, cut that out!"
The two girls instantly snapped their gazes on the newcomer. "Designate: Cammy," the two spoke in
harmonic, if not dull unison. They quickly shifted into combat stances, waiting for the first
attack.
"I am not here for a fight." Cammy remained relaxed. "Would you like to know my purpose before
you attempt to fight me?"
Juni, over her gloved fists, gazed at Cammy. "Illogical. Designate: Cammy is an Enemy to Lord
Bison, and must be disposed of." Juli only nodded in agreeance.
"Well, then, I guess you'll never get to see the life-sized statue of Bison I have..." Cammy
grinned as she played her trump card. "A shame. It's a nude... anatomically correct, too."
Although the expression, rather, the lack of expression on their faces didn't change, their eyes
widened a bit. Finally, Juni spoke up. "I am listening. Speak."
"Well... I was kinda bored, and I... redecorated my shack... it's all Shadowloo stuff. Real nice.
I was hoping to show you two, but you want to kill me..." Cammy pouted, hoping her gambit would
work.
"We are still unsure of your motives, Designate: Cammy." Juli moved forward, eyeing Cammy, then
noting that her hands were behind her back. "What are you attempting to hide?"
"Well.. these." She raised both hands, revealing a pair of cherry-flavored Bison Pops, a candy
spawned from one of Lord Bison's early attempts to get capital for the Psycho Drive. Although
they sold decently in Canada, they were soon eclipsed by Bison simply stealing the cash instead.
Juli and Juni instantly dropped their guards and snatched one and removed their wrapper with
stunning precision. After a few seconds of scanning, then both took a lick...
"There is no doubt. Taste sensors indicate the rich, juicy cherry-flavored goodness that is the
Bison Pop product #153." Juli attacked the thing with what could equate to glee, as did Juni.
Cammy only smiled, rubbing her hands together.
"Well... would you like some more?!" She suddenly had the look of a serial molester in her eyes.
"It looks like you two like to lick Bison's lollipop..." The Twin Dolls only nodded once, then
commenced with devouring the candies. Cammy soon headed down the trail. "Well, just follow me,
and I'll give you all the hard candy you want!" The duo only followed, too focused on their
licking to really reply.
....Meanwhile, back at the Evil Lord Bison Manor(tm)....
"Where are they?!?" Bison, paced about on Birdie's back, obviously upset. "I was really looking
forward to that 'training session' with them!"
"Well, why don't we go look for 'em, then?" Balrog sipped some coffee, somehow keeping the mug
between his gloves.
"No! I trust them, and they will come back, and I WILL bake my Psycho Pies!!" He growled, then
went back to pacing. Birdie letting out a yelp with every stomp.
"Maybe they've been tricked into following a person who's only intent is to have wild, kinky sex
with them..." Sagat rubbed his chin, his thoughts going to Sakura. "Yes... kinky sex." He
chuckles softly, then composes himself.
"That could never happen! Their conditioning is far too powerful for them to be tricked..."
....One quick transition later....
"Here we are!" Cammy opened the door to her small cottage. Juli and Juni peeked in carefully.
"Designate: Cammy.... I am speechless." Juli blinked, as did Juni. The entire inside was done in
a red and black Shadowloo motif, right down to the doilies on the table and the television, which
was tuned to Bison's personal TV network, the Ultimate Evil Network, which showed nothing but
propaganda, war films and porn 24 hours straight. As the trio walked over the rug, which bore
a Shadowloo emblem on it, the Twin Dolls were literally gawking, confused immensely.
"Conflicting data. Must reconstitute memory banks..." Juni stopped upon seeing the crate full of
Bison Pops, then beelined for them, eyes glazed over. Juli soon caught on and followed suit.
Cammy watched them gorge on the candy treats with a fiend's eye, giggling ever so slightly, then
sat down and waited... for the right moment...
....*insert original Batman TV series transition music here*....
"Well, are you girls done yet?" Cammy stood, rubbing her hands happily.
Juli tried to pick herself up, then fell back into the chair she was sitting in. "Reflexes have
slowed 73%. Motor functions down 82%. Analysis: foreign chemical agent introduced into system."
She then looked up at the approaching Cammy, licking her sticky lips. "Visual blurry... identify
yourself."
Cammy only chuckled, then picked her up and tossed her onto the couch, then reached for Juni, who
was half-buried in the empty crate. With a grunt, she tossed Juni onto Juli and stood back,
looking at her prey. "Now, are you two ready to play?"
Juni barely managed to lift her head. "Final Analysis: Unable to defend selves from attack. Death
is imminent. We have failed Lord Bison." She looked down at Juli. "I love you, Juli."
"I love you, Juni." Juli looked up to her twin.
"Will you two stop that?!?" Cammy hopped up and down. "I'm not gonna kill you." The Dolls
breathed out a dull sigh of relief. "Yet." They then gulped.
"First... I wanna play with my prey before I go for the kill..." She reached into a small bag,
removing two extra-large Bison Pops. "And since you love sticking these in your mouth, I bet you
wouldn't mind these in another hole..." She then drew an Exacto-knife of Raping(tm) and cut into
their suits with what could be equated to perverted perfection, yanking the thin latex away with
a single pull. She cheerfully tossed the Exacto-knife aside, grabbed both Bison Pops, and thought
aloud. "Now... who wants to be first, hmmm?"
The Dolls gazed at Cammy, then at each other. Both, at the same time, said "Her." To that, Cammy
cackled sinisterly.
"Well, then... why not both at once?" With that, she gave both of the pops a good tongue-bath,
then aimed them, preparing for the initial thrust...
....*some commercial about Viagra and pets comes on, then*...
When Bison's Cap of Utter Shadowloo Command(tm) was turned around, it meant one of two things:
either Birdie was in for an asskicking, or he was looking for his personal sextoys. Today, in a
rather rare coincidence, it meant both.
Sagat, Vega, and Balrog followed behind their Leader, who was busy dragging a hogtied Birdie along
the path as he called out to his Dolls. Vega had opted for his outdoor biohazard suit, the nice
red leather one with the matching pumps and the adorable handbag, all of which he was wearing.
Sagat was still having dirty thoughts about a certain schoolgirl street fighter, and Balrog was
shadow-boxing... and somehow was losing to the shadow.
"Juli! Juni! Big Daddy Bison's looking for you!" Bison frowned, very upset that his playthings
had gotten lost, and tossed Birdie against a tree. "Juuuuuli! Juuuuuuni! Come to Daddy! Dammit,
I'm in the mood for some hot action! Get out here!!!"
"Maybe they've been taken captive by some sex-starved fiend and subjected to great amounts of...
stimulation." Sagat smiled wide, and he made a mental note to have that latex bondage gear sent
to his place as soon as possible. "Yes... I'll show her where the Tiger really is..." Sagat was
about to go on when he stepped on a wrapper. Snapped out of pervert mode, he picked the wrapper
off of the ground, looked at it, then handed it to Lord Bison. "I think I might be right."
Bison blinked. "My Bison Pops! The Twin Dolls can't resist the artificial cherry-flavored taste
of these things... I programmed them that way!" He rubbed his chin, then looked further down
the road, spotting the half-full berry baskets. "Come on! I think we're going to have to teach
some ecchi a lesson!" Bison levitated down the trail, his apron fluttering in the wind, Birdie
skidding along the ground behind him. Sagat and Balrog followed, soon joined by Vega after he
took a second to adjust his thong under the bio-suit.
....back at the Sticky Love Shack....
Cammy watched the Dolls writhe, moan, gasp, and shudder against each other as she pumped the Bison
Pops into them. Hell, it had been well over thirty minutes, and they were still going strong.
"I have to admit, you two have incredible stamina... but I know how to get you off..." Cammy slid
a Lord Bison halloween mask on and sis her best Bison impression. "Now, my sex muffins, you will
succumb to the might that is my Psycho Penis!"
Juli and Juni shuddered in delight, and answered as one. "It is an honor, sir!" With that, they
literally went into overdrive, driving against the pops with power born of pure training. It
was all Cammy could do to not be throw across the room by the initial attack, and even then she
had to brace herself to keep from flying back. The two seemed to work in tandem, almost as if they
were one mind... and they were about to tear Cammy's arms out of their sockets.
"Dammit, stop!" Cammy squealed, the Bison mask flying away after a particularly powerful dual
thrust. "Come on, already!" She then realized what she'd said. "NO, DON'T!"
With a howl that could (and did) shatter glass, Juli and Juni hit the Big Waterfall of Orgasmic
Bliss, and gave one more thrust that sent Cammy slamming into the wall. After a few long moments
of cool-down, the twins held each other and looked back at Cammy, who was slumped against the far
wall, out like a light. Juli was the first to speak.
"I think we broke her."
....somewhere in the forest....
"We're lost." Balrog scratched his head, then returned to his valiant attempt to defeat his shadow
in a sparring match. Vega only sighed, turned down the portable air conditioner attached to his
bio-suit a few degrees, and returned to trying to get his thong on right. Sagat had his latest
issue of Fuku Girl Magazine and was reading away, chuckling now and then to himself. Bison stood,
or rather, floated above the group, idly tossing Birdie around while he scanned for his lovely
Dolls.
"Where are they? I need their sweet loving, and I NEED IT NOW!!!" Bison Psycho Groin Smashed
Birdie in his frustration, and felt slightly better as he heard Birdie squeal like a stuck pig.
He was about to Psycho Violate him as well, when a pair of beauties with full berry baskets
came into view. Bison began to chuckle madly as he flung Birdie aside and floated over to his
lovely playthings, hugging them tightly... and realizing that they were butt-booty naked. He let
his smile grow even wider, and his Psycho Tool made a prominent impression of a miniature stone
column.
The twins handed Bison their full berry baskets. "We have acquired the edible berries that you had
requested, Lord Bison." They saluted Bison, and Bison saluted back.
"Well, then, my dolls. Shall we go home and finish my Psycho Pies?" The Dolls nodded and readily
dashed down the path with the usual inhuman speed. Bison only smirked and levitated onward, Sagat,
Vega and Balrog close behind... and Birdie inchworming along the ground, muttering something to
himself all the way.
So ended another day in the life of Lord Bison, master of Shadowloo, wielder of the Psycho Power,
Evil Pimpdaddy and master cook.
But another was just about to begin...
[Insert really cool message HERE]
Darkheart One
Slayers Fanboy
Owner of the entire Jojo's Bizarre Adventure OAV series
Someone who's seen (get this) NO RAMNA. Pity him. Or something