In a message dated 11/10/99 04:09:19 PM, stiffani@super.net.ph writes:
Waiting For You
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
by Stiffanie Flores
All right! It's come out at last! :D
~3~
Lost Hope
"The good news is that we're able to identify the poison," Dr. Tofu was
saying. "The tests only confirmed my suspicions. She has a few days, a
week at the most. The poison was more fast-acting than I'd expected."
Wow, that's pretty fast. See more on this later on.
They were gathered downstairs, all present except Akane and Kasumi. The
eldest Tendo daughter had stayed home to see to her chores, much to the
relief of everyone. Kasumi, with her sweet smile and gentle words, was
the heart of her family. They couldn't imagine how they could go on
without her. But there were times when it was actually better that
Kasumi stayed away. The family was afraid Tofu would lose himself at
the sight of her, and that might delay Akane's recovery.
No kidding. ^_-
Not only that, but no one's willing to risk Ranma or Akane's health in this
case if Kasumi's near Tofu. Hehe.
"You'd be the first to know if I discovered something, Ranma," Tofu
answered. "I'm sorry, but I truly can't help you."
I don't know why, but the word, 'truly' seems to be one of the most
often used word in fanfics, and most annoying (to me at least). It
sets me on edge, almost like when someone stratches across the
chalkboard.
He bowed his head. "I'm truly sorry."
That again!
*Liar,* she thought. *Can't even cover it up well. I can see right
through you, baka.*
Well, that's Ranma for you.
"I'll stay right here," he promised, squeezing her hand warmly. "Don't
worry."
"Thank you..."
I really liked this scene. Too many depressing scenes out there nowdays...
It also helps draw the readers into the story, especially with Akane's
slow death by poison foreshadowing somewhere in the background.
Makes the moment between Ranma and Akane more... heart-warming.
Or Nabiki with her camera. Ranma suppressed a shudder. She would
suck him dry, blood and all.
And this brings up a question: if she did, would she sell or donate his
blood to a local blood drive?
"It's ... nice, to be with you... like this," she whispered. "Just the
two of us alone, without anyone else to get in the way..."
Sorry, but it's in Ryouga, Kuno, Shampoo, Ukyo, and everybody else' contract
to mess up those moments. If they didn't they'd be out of job. ;)
*Aww, Akane,* he thought, as he stared into her wide brown eyes, *why do
you make it so damned _easy_ for me to love you?*
Well, you'd have to ask Ryouga, Kuno, and couple of other guys who tried to
wed her that.
And after all the craziness, battles, and kidnappings, he calls it _easy_.
Huh!
She frowned. Speaking of which... Who had poisoned Akane? Why take
such a subtle approach? If whoever it was wanted her dead, why not kill
her using a more direct tactic?
She was tempted to think it was one of Ranma’s other fiancees. After
all, Kunou or Ryouga would never harm Akane. Mousse? She frowned.
Mousse was a possibility. After all, didn’t he once try to turn Akane
into a duck? But then again, killing Akane would mean eliminating an
obstacle to winning Ranma, and that seemed more like Shampoo’s style
rather than Mousse’s...
Actually, I'm rather surprised that Nabiki hasn't given Kodachi any
consideration, especially considering that this is more up her ally.
The poisoning, I mean. There's the question of the lack of her open
deceleration of her dastardly motives, though.
The poison is called "Chueh wang" (Hopelessness).
There is a certain man in Japan who has been able to formulate the
antidote before. This man lives in the mountains a few miles north of
Ryugenzawa. The map shows the exact location.
Tendo Akane will die on the third day without proper treatment.
The note was unsigned.
Nabiki frowned. It was too suspicious. Akane suddenly getting
poisoned, then this mysterious letter. Who could have sent it?
WAY too suspicious. The note is just too convivent, arriving just after
the dialogue between Tofu and Ranma. That line, 'There is a certain man
in Japan who has been able to formulate the antidote before.' strongly
implies that the conversation was being monitored by someone. One would
have to be an idiot not to see the similiarities here.
And more importantly, whoever the sender is, was he telling the truth?
"What's that commotion about?" Tofu came into the waiting room, and
there was a collective sigh of exasperation. Kasumi merely looked up,
a smile lighting up her face.
UH OH!
Genma nodded and stood up. "Kasumi, dear, I'm beginning to get quite
hungry. Do you think you could fix me some of that leftover sukiyaki we
had for lunch? It was quite tasty, and I'm hungry for more."
Kasumi glanced uncertainly at Genma. "Why, of course, uncle Genma.
But -"
I think Uncle should be captialized here, since it's paired with a name.
And Genma's excuse, if ill-thought, was strangely appropiate for him here.
Nabiki sighed and stood up. She slapped the back of her hand against
Tofu's face. "Snap out of it, doc," she ordered.
Thought she'd slap him with palm-first. Is there any difference between
back and front slaps, I wonder?
Ranma straightened and pulled away, stammering. "It's not what you
think! We were just ... I mean, uh..."
Nabiki grinned. "Relax, Ranma. We have something for you." She raised
her brows at him. "We can talk about what to do about this...
compromising situation later."
hehe :)
He nodded. "Of course I am. Who else is there to come to your rescue,
baka?" he teased.
How... heroic.
End chapter 3
I really loved this chapter. I've been following this since your first draft,
and I really think the new title fits this story better. There's an unique
topic being covered here that I haven't seen in a while.
Most fanfics tend to deal with battles and dangers from the outside. What
we're dealing is with some form of threat from the within, and there's a
sickeningly realistic approach to it in form of poisoning. Even better, it's
centered around Akane who's been poisoned, as a poor bystander, rather
going after Ranma, as most fics tend to deal with.
But this kind of approach is somewhat surprising as well to me. The poison
is fast-acting, and Akane's going to die within three days (or two, if that
letter wasn't sent same day Akane was poisoned) means that there's not
much time left for Ranma and co. to deal with. Other fanfics tend to take
place over peroid of weeks.
Not that I'm complaining, mind you. All more the fun and suspenseful. ;)
There wasn't much grammatical errors that I could see.
In all, this is one of the best piece of work that I've read in logn while.
Can't wait for the next part!
Author's notes:
Well, here's chapter 3, as promised. After I put the finishing touches
on chapter 4, it'll be ready for your approval... ^_^ Look for it
tomorrow.... or maybe even later today!
Regardless of when it comes out, I'm eagerly anticipating it!
Any and all comments are appreciated.
Oh dear, you fall in the Spring of Drowned C&C wannabe who fell in
while looking for C&C five days ago! Now when you get splashed
with cold water, you turn into...
Dark Alpha <AlphSailor@aol.com>