Richard Beaubien wrote:
A Marmalade Boy/KOR fan-fic
Solos
****
It was noon and the jazz club Lizard was already spotless and clean,
ready for the nights customers that would again fill the premises. The
night's. And use who, rather than that, for people.
crowd who would fancy a small drink with the nights music. He was about
night's, again. Be careful about the apostrophes; they matter.
door filled the air turning his attention to the front entrance.
Comma after air.
"Ahh, You must be Ayukawa-san!" the master exclaimed in reply, "Hiro-kun
told me you'd be coming by today. How is the old boy doing?"
As we thought. ^_- But by this point, we've already guessed the
content of the remainder of the fic. More on this below.
[We'll just skip some of this...]
"Yes I am. I just can't get the song right no matter what I try." Kei
tersely replied, "I can't get it to sound right."
Okay... this is your conflict. But...
"Yes it did," Ayukawa laughed gently, "but then I just let the music flow
out from my heart and out the song came."
[...]
And in front of the piano stood Tsuchiya Kei, in the middle of deep
thought. "From the heart, eh?" he asked to nobody as he sat down in front
of the piano, tossing aside the sheet music on the piano. "I think I
understand, Thank you!" He exclaimed, before he placed his fingers on the
keys, letting the music flow out from inside of him.
...Well, that was easy.
****
Authors stuff...
Wai!! I finally did a Marmalade Boy fic, though it's crossover...Though
it's KOR I crossed it over with. Might as well thank Scott Schimmel and
Marmalade Orange for at least helping me thing up parts of this (And
Marmalade Moon too from Biles...:)
Um... thanks. ^_^; Hope you don't take this too hard, then...
Time line info: This takes place before the Christmas Eve episode of
Marmalade Boy and after Shin KOR.
You might want to put this before the fic, rather than after.
Although it's not hard to tell, if you've seen both anime.
As for this fic, the idea just sorta of grabbed me while watching
Marmalade Boy. Somehow I thought it would be cool to cameo in Ayukawa
with Kei, maybe as a teacher or something, given their interests. This
fic came from it. I expect it to be rough in places, and I might need to
work with it. But I do like the idea behind it.
Well, for what it's worth...
I'd say your instincts were exactly right. You have a good idea here,
but that's all that it is at this point. It's less a story than a
scene. A story (other than a slice-of-life vignette) needs a more
developed conflict -- and a slice-of-life needs more developed
characters -- than you have, so far.
Taking this as a base in your revision, I'd suggest making Kei's
learning process take a little longer. Show us Kei and Madoka
connecting as people, over hours or days instead of minutes. Show us
Kei's newfound inspiration as a process rather than a flash of
insight. Show us hat makes these two tick. Any of these things would
make this a more successful story, IMO.
Now I just need to do something with my new Paragon of Virtue
Anju...:P;;;;
Ah, An... one of my favorites. Glad you've finally seen enough of the
series to view her introduction. I wonder what you'll think when you
see a little further, though... ^_^;
Scott Schimmel http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium; "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras. -- Miki Koishikawa